Hi, Brav3.

Your experiences remind me of some of my own experiences, as well as things I learned while researching the behaviors of my (then) Gf (now ex) to learn what might be driving her behaviors. Through my research I was able to understand what facilitated our relationship and why it played out the way it did. Understanding those things helped me to look at our relationship much more objectively, and to put my role in our relationship into clearer perspective.

However, to be up-front, my relationship with my ex-Gf was much shorter than yours, we did not live together, and our breakup was amazingly kind, compassionate, loving, and amicable. She initiated the breakup because, as she said, she could not stand “hurting [me] anymore.” (Yes, it could have been an amazingly subtle line of BS, but I think there was at least a modicum of truth to it.)

Although she told me stories about several horrifying and traumatic experiences in her life (some relatively recent, and some long-past), and the subsequent diagnoses of her having PTSD, extreme anxiety disorder, night terrors, etc. she never told me about the two things (one more manifested than the other) that most readily explained 99% of her behaviors throughout our relationship, and possibly even her traumatic stories (not that I have any evidence that they did not actually happen).

In my ex-Gf’s case, her behaviors were most consistent with borderline personality disorder (BPD), with a much lesser consistency of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). According to what I’ve read, many times these two disorders are co-occurring. Based on many of the terms she used throughout our relationship (terms I later learned were nomenclature related to BPD and NPD), her demonstration of what I later learned were coping strategies, and the stories she told me of her past behavior (compared to my observance of her current behavior), I suspect that she knew about BPD and had been in therapy for it for at least seven years or more. But, as I said, she never told about the possibility of her being diagnosed with BPD.

When I think of the possibility of her knowing that she had been diagnosed with BPD, but then not telling me, while telling me about other diagnoses and traumas, the adage “Never give a sucker an even break,” springs to mind. Such a modus operandi, however, is not inconsistent with BPD or NPD.

I encourage you to research these two disorders to see if your ex’s behaviors seem to be consistent with one or both. If you find that they are, you will begin to understand that the end of your relationship with her was all but a foregone conclusion before you even met her, and that what responsibility you bear in its end was not so much due to your behavior during the relationship, but what may have facilitated you being in the relationship in the first place.

CMI

Dear Brav3:

You are welcome and thank you for your wishes!

My suggestion in your quest to free yourself from this is that every time you think about her in a way that is not true to reality, correct your thinking, to yourself, making your thinking fit reality. So when you think something like: “She loved me” or “I was loved” (whether in these words or in an automatic kind of way where you feel like you were loved), correct your thinking to something like: “At times she felt love for me, but overall she did not love me. She hurt me and deeply. It was not love.”

You come up with the words that fit reality, as you see it, as it is. When you do, again and again… and yet again, your feelings will change to fit the reality (instead of the fantasy of distorted thinking).

This is the core of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)- correcting distorted thinking and in so doing the feelings will change.

But notice: is it not about correcting thinking any which way so to feel better, but correcting thinking so to fit what is reality, the objective truth.

Post anytime!

anita

Dear Brav3:

Emotions do stand in the way of clearly seeing reality for what it is. We refuse to believe that which is painful. So first thing I was taught in therapy was to withstand emotional pain, to not be overwhelmed by it, to endure it without losing my senses. (called Emotional Regulation).

Then comes the correcting of distorted thinking, letting go of delusions (false beliefs) and accepting reality.

The more emotionally invested you are in a person, the more painful it is to see reality when reality is she manipulated you.

It will take time to withstand seeing her as you now know that she is. It will take time believing yourself, seeing her that way. Be willing to see her the way she is. Even if you can’t, because it is painful, just say to yourself: I am willing, over time, to see her like she is.

Delusion will keep you in pain. Clarifying the fog of delusion and seeing reality for what it is must be done if you want to heal. Only it is a process. Logica alone won’t do the job. To believe what is true, you have to feel it is true. To feel it is true, well, that is the process.

Till your next post, take good care of yourself. Take breaks.

anita

Dear Brav3:

Part of the truth is that her ways cannot work for her benefit in the long run. She may look happy to you and she may feel happy, but dishonesty will catch up to her. It is just not possible to be dishonest and happy as a way of life. To Thine Own Self be True- that is necessary for peace of mind.

back in a couple of hours. Sorry for your suffering.

anita

Dear Brav3:

You wrote in post before last: “The same part of me doesn’t able to understand how can she changed so fast…”
Delusion: she was a decent woman who loved you and then changed, stopped loving you.
Reality: she was not a decent woman; manipulative from the time before you met her, you just didn’t know that. You felt something wrong but ignored it for the longest time.

You are very fortunate it is ended. She was like a tasty supply of donuts that gave you great pleasure at times, but also diabetes. When you thought about her acting lovingly toward you in the shopping center, that was like eating a box of donuts. You remember how good it felt eating it and forgot about the diabetes, the distress you felt about her flirting with other men, being fake to people, gaslighting you.

So when you think about the donuts, give equal time to the diabetes. Reality is about seeing the bigger picture. Let me know how it is working for you, the bigger picture, that is.

anita