Carmen,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this, I can only imagine how you must feel. I think it’s important that you take a step back from the relationship, and really analyze it from a non-judgemental perspective. What do you need from a relationship and were those needs being met? The same question goes for your partner, what does he need and were those needs being met? I think we tend to get ourselves into some trouble when we assume everything is going well, when really sometimes we’re afraid to admit that there are some issues. By no means am I trying to say that your relationship had issues, but your boyfriend’s abrupt behavior leads me to believe that maybe something has been bothering him for some time. Maybe he is young and is scared because he doesn’t want to be tied down just yet. Videogames may be his source of happiness, and we have to be careful when we try to regulate other’s happiness (although I do understand that you have your needs as well). It’s important that both people in the relationship maintain who they are, and don’t get lost in each other so much that they stray from their true self because that’s where conflict can arise as well.

I’m not sure if any of this even makes sense. Maybe just let some time go by, and if it’s meant to be it will work itself out. However, the universe may have something else in store for you – so try not to shut out new opportunities and experiences because you’re in pain. Let yourself grieve, heal, and try and move on.

I’ll be thinking about you. Take care.

Carmen,

I’m empathetic to your sadness, and can understand how confusing love can be. On one hand, you feel love for him, and on the other, he treats you badly. Yes, perhaps he will change, grow, and try harder. From your description, that doesn’t seem to be the case. It sounds like he is used to having a girlfriend, and without one feels lonely. So he comes to you, feels better, assured, then drops you in the mud as he gets back to what he wants to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Frankly, and I mean this with the utmost respect, you’re letting your heart get tread upon. Does he see you? Does he give you tender attention? Does he respect you? Are you a priority? With the breakup and reuniting so fresh, so unstable, how is it he tosses you aside to chill and play games with his mates? For me, sure I love to play games sometimes, but if my wife or kids are in need, its a no brainer. I simply couldn’t rest and have fun playing, knowing my home was disturbed, my family in need.

When I hear of your crying yourself to sleep, I feel your pain, but also see the beauty of an loving heart. Consider that love inside you is a precious jewel, a gift that you bring to your partner and the world, and it is up to you to take care of it. You’re offering it to someone who wants it when he’s lonely or horny or whatever, but doesn’t give back to you. This punches holes in your intimacy, cuts trust, erodes caring.

Much like a ship full of holes, it begins to sink, and you try to bail it out. Which would be fine if he wasn’t poking new holes in it. Sometimes you just have to let go, hop overboard and swim to shore. Said differently, breaking up and letting him go will be hard, there will be grief, and tears. But, its better to go through that pain now, then to endure his neglect for any longer, just to have to grieve anyway later. If he wakes up and starts helping you patch things up, bail out the water, and find a path you two want to walk together… that’s one thing. That’s not what he’s doing though, not now. Now he’s got you on a little hook, dangling around.

Your heart deserves better than that. You deserve better than that. If he is unwilling or unable… just dump his ass, accept you’ll have to weather the grief and sorrow, and start swimming to shore. He won’t change unless he wants to, or until he’s ready. How long do you wish to wait for that? You can’t force him… and trying that will only end up with you feeling worse and worse about yourself.

With warmth,
Matt