Hi Catherine,

First off, well done for moving on from your ex and giving yourself the time to gain some objectivity and perspective 🙂 That’s very hard to do!
I’ve been in a comparable situation and also found that having no contact was the best way to detach. I too hope for friendship with my ex-partner in future, but realise that I’m not ready and can’t rush it. In my case, I still go back and forth about wishing we could get back together and remembering that despite the love, it didn’t work and we didn’t meet each other’s needs as a romantic couple (and that that’s OK).

It’s probably been a shock to hear from your ex, and of course that churns up all kinds of feelings and memories. You’re not back to square one though – it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work and come a long way in the past 6 months. You’ve gained fundamental strength and that hasn’t been undone.

Remeber you don’t owe him anything – he’s a grown man and he’ll be fine. Your priority needs to remain you! The fact that his message is causing such a strong reaction in you may suggest that you’re still quite vulnerable where he is concerned and are still grieving – I can understand that! From my own experience, when I spoke to my ex during the first 6 months after we broke up, I would be heartbroken all over again, start to feel better, speak to him again, feel heartbroken – etc etc. I finally realised that the only way to go was to have no contact. We have spoken a couple of times since for various reasons, and I find I still become very emotional afterwards. However, after a few days it fades as I re-engage with my current life in which I am my priority. I know that I’m not over him, but I can see a life now which doesn’t include him and me as a couple.

I would advise trying not to think too much about your ex and his message just now. See how you feel in week or two – you may find that the intesity of your emotional reaction lessens and you find it easier to get back into your new life. You may realise that you have, in fact, outgrown the relationship and that rekindling it would be a step backwards in terms of your life story / personal development. There are no rules, or ‘shoulds’, of course! You may in a week or so decide that you do want to reply to him and let him know that you want to be friends. The important thing there is not to try to have a friendship before you’re ready because it may cause you more pain (at least, that’s what I’ve found with my ex!). If he understands this, that’s great – if not, that’s fine too: he can look after his own feelings, like you are yours 🙂

It’s a confusing situation to be in. Giving yourself time will allow you to come to a more level-headed decision about what to do – one based on what YOU want rather than on extreme emotions or believing you ‘should’ do something. Don’t judge yourself harshly for whatever decision you make. And remember there’s no shame in not being completely over your ex or having mixed feelings about him after 6 months of not speaking.

Have a bath, do something you enjoy, see one of your friends – you are the most important person to you at this time!!

I hope this may help. Good luck! 🙂

I meant to say ” they all say they’re sorry, it DOESN’T equal that they have changed.” Women often think that when men say they’re sorry that that statement equals the men have changed and won’t ever do it again-but that’s is incorrect. Please don’t ever forget cheaters don’t make good relationship material, cheaters cheat cause they’re overly self centered people who use others for what they can get from them. And please don’t think for second that if you forgive him and go back to him that he won’t do it again. This is real life-not a fairy tale or a movie.

Hi, I have never posted on anything like this….But, I agree after having been through this for six years of the disappearing and apologizing. Sometimes not even bothering to apologize. That the pattern will not change. I never knew if my ex would disappear to cheat; however, I have never received a truthful explanation. Don’t return the message. I am just starting today with no contact. And hope that I will not be weak.