hey! its been a while since i last wrote in here. this place and you guys are like my escape goats from real life and big thanks for that. im just gonna jump right into it. do u guys know that one song from Mitski that goes like ‘sorry i cant take your touch, its not like i dont love you its just that i fell in love with a war.’ that kinda perfectly describes the emotions im feeling rn. i just rejected a girl that i had the biggest crush on for several reasons. at first i tried to trick myself into thinkink i didnt like her no more but i started crying histericly as i was writing the messages telling her i cant be in a relationship with her. i seriously didnt expect to cry. the reason behind me rejecting her came into my mind a little later. i was and still am afraid of liking th same sex. i dont know if iv’ve ever mentioned living in turkey but thats the case. a country illed with paents who says that they would disown their own child if they liked the same sex such as my parents. hearing this from my loving mothers mouth was pretty traumatizing but i didnt realized it back then. i started trembling after realizing the reason of me rejecting her but i didnt take my words back. a little back information i am really like reaally commtited to making my parents proud of me sice i owe them pretty much everything i have. i am both really disgusted and dissapointed with myself at the moment. i really thought that i no longer cared about the homophobic world nor my parents who are exteremly homophobic and that i’ve reached the emotional maturity to handle myself. i thouht i was so over myself and peoples vision of my orientation which was terribly false. i dont think that its easy to just forget about others but i really thouht i could handle it. i should have seen this coming since i tremble when i think of confronting people who have hurted me in the past. im not even brave enough to look after myself. but thanks to some friends i just realized that its still early in my life where i can hold back from making any desicions. im still young and learning over myself and others around me. i do not have to rush about my feelings or my emotinal maturity.

i just need advice on confronting yourself and making terms with it. i do n ot have to love myself right away i just need to calm myself and accept myself. i was raised by homophobic people and it still has an impact on me to this day. please some people with similar situations to mine just please tell me how to stop hating myself so much.