Dear Kaylen;

The guy who is interested in you, are you interested in him, or would like to find out if you are?

If so, meet him for coffee  or tea (I hope this is something not outside the norm for 20 year old), and talk. Don’t enter a relationship with him, just talk about the possibility. Don’t make a decision in one day, or one week, no rush. The process of getting to know a young man, and for him to get to know you, should be interested by itself.

Before you figure out if you are afraid of commitment, and before you get overwhelmed with the concept of being in a relationship- talk with a guy about anything and everything, considering a relationship but being in no hurry whatsoever to enter one.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Kaylen:

You are welcome.

“I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship with him or just get to know him”- first get to know a man, then decide if it is a good idea for you to be in a relationship with him. Going about it the other way around brings about a lot of misery for a lot of people.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be this hesitant and my peers aren’t as hesitant as I am to be in a relationship?”- maybe they are more afraid being alone than being in a committed relationship, and maybe you are more afraid of the second than the first. But everyone is afraid of something.

The wise way to go about life is to make informed choices. Choosing a partner for a committed relationship is a huge choice leading to many life events such as buying a home together and having children, so better make an informed choice. Informed means information, and how do you gather  information about a potential partner if not by getting to know him through many conversations and over time, getting to know him in different contexts and circumstances?

So, first thing first, get to know this particular man. Notice this: let’s say you suggest to meet him for coffee, suggesting getting to know him without getting involved sexually, and he agrees, telling you this is what he wants, but right after the first coffee date, or during, he proceeds to pressure you to have sex with him, right there you learn something about him- that he is not honest and his interest is primarily casual sex, game over.

I will be glad to offer you input on the information you gather about this man if you do go on a coffee/ tea date with him. On a separate note, if you want to share about what you suspect to be your fear of commitment, because of relationships between couples that you observed in your life, do so and we can look into it here.

I will be away from the computer and back in about 12 hours from now.

anita