TR,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why guilt is so difficult for you to settle. You have kind of a perfect storm for that: codependency patterns with a high amount of empathy. So, not only do your actions carry with them a lot of emotional weight, being very sensitive, but you also take responsibility for the emotions of others. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that when we are in pain, the space in our brain collapses, and we become enmeshed or entangled in the events. When you broke the sculpture, the shock and horror of the possible futures was too much to bear, for such a young heart, and so your mind just stared, feared. So, instead of “oops, I’m so sorry”, it was social hell, detention, the silent kid’s pain, oh my god whywhywhy, and so forth. Your brain was stuck, dead end, no way out. What a terrible burden for a child to bear, and for so long.

Stepping back (actually inward) a little, consider that it really is a matter of feeling safe, so you can be patient with yourself, your actions, and the responses of others. Because your self esteem is low, however, it is difficult to be patient and apologize, make amends for your actions. If they told you that you were unlovable, perhaps your heart would break. So, to protect yourself from that, you hide. You imagine. You fantisize. Perhaps you pick up the stick for the loner child, and beat yourself up for the pain you caused. Perhaps you pick up the stick and beat yourself up for the procrastination on the website. Perhaps you even think that imagining a worst case scenario makes you somehow more prepared, more capable.

Mu! False! Wrong! Consider a different approach. The entanglement, the fear… rises because of a decrease in your self confidence. This happens normally when we become over stressed, and is also more of a “status quo” byproduct of parents in an addict/codependent connection. Said differently, you perhaps feel like your heart can’t take the pain of being authentic, apologizing for the wrongs you’ve done, accepting your mistakes, accepting the frustration others have for you. This is normal, usual, and completely workable.

The solution is actually far simpler than you’re making it out to be. Spend time being kind to yourself, and learn boundaries. Consider picking up Pia Melody’s books on codependency, which is a very down to earth step by step guide to both self nurturing and boundaries. She even has a workbook that you can use to track and reshape, reparent, and find your authentic tune.

Considered that strong empathy is a shining gift, but until you learn to grow some roots into your light, it feels more like a curse. Basically, it can leave you feeling like an emotional victim, bouncing around from fear and uncomfortableness, rising and falling based on what visions come to mind, or situations come into your life. This is why finding your home, your safety, your tenderness and gentleness is so important. You have such a radiant heart, such a powerful and fluid love, that as you do grow some roots, find some equanimity and patience, the ruminant will evolve into the radiant.

If you’re resistant to reading Melody’s work, consider at least starting a metta meditation practice. Metta (loving kindness) is such a helpful thing for the mind to engage in, it is like emotional fiber. It helps clear out the left over crap stinking up your bowels, so you can be free, light, buoyant. As we spend time wishing for happiness, thinking about happiness (for ourselves and others), over time we grow that happiness. Then, the situations pass right through us, without staining us, cankering in the mind.

Our heart and mind becomes fresh, smooth, detached… prepared to comfort that little boy with the broken sculpture and the little girl who goofed her throw. They both deserve happiness, freedom from the pain that accompanied that event. So, we can take them in our arms, and sing to them, rock them to sleep, help them see how loved and safe they are, how mistakes happen and it sucks, but it will be OK. The little boy, tense and angry, feeling alone, uncared for perhaps, in our arms, rocking him back and forth, telling him we’re sorry for his anger, for the loss of his art, his pride. Feeling his muscles unwind, relaxing, letting go, ready to take another shot at building some art. Then, taking the little girl in our arms, and rocking her to comfort. Such a heavy fear for a mistake, her just wanting to have fun, play the game, be included, find home… then suffering from such a shock, with so much fear. We can feel her muscles unwinding as we gently hold her, giving her our love and understanding, helping her see that she is lovable, mistakes and all, no danger, just growth. Just trying to be loved and find joy, and tripping up along the way. Normal, usual, forgivable, safe.

With warmth,
Matt