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Advice on Self Acceptance

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  • November 8, 2013 at 6:03 pm #45029
    Kevin
    Participant

    Finally built up the courage to post something, For the past few months or so I’ve been trying to become more accepting of myself as well as becoming more confident, Tiny Buddha is one of the resources I’ve been using to get there (Reading articles and what not). The biggest reason I made this choice was that I’m currently 21 years old and I’ve never had a girlfriend, let alone a kiss. Not for lack of trying either, I’ve come pretty close before, but nothing ever came out of it. I was talking to this girl that I seemed to be really connecting with, and we even planned to hang out. But as fate would have it she bailed out on me three separate occasions. I thought it didn’t bother me at first, but that night I became really depressed and started crying. I took to the internet looking for solutions, and found this site. After this I kind of had an epiphany where I realized that the entire time I had been looking for something to fill the emptiness I thought I had. From that day I told myself that I would work on accepting myself, and learning to love who I really am, instead of trying to please everyone like I have in the past.

    I started seeing a counselor at my school, which helped to find the sources of these feelings, and I’ve periodically have tried meditation and yoga. I’ve also started running, and hitting the gym. I really do feel like I have made some progress but every once in a while I’ll see a “happy couple” and judgments and comparisons will start to cloud my mind. I still find myself crying sometimes, for reasons I really can’t explain. I also get impatient sometimes when I feel like I’m regressing. Through therapy I came to realize that I’ve always been afraid to create conflict, and have actively been the passive people pleaser in many occasions.

    Apart from that, I’ve decided to hold off on actively seeking a relationship, and just focusing on dealing with these feelings. I’m just looking on some advice to help me further along the path, Thanks 🙂

    • This topic was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by Kevin.
    November 8, 2013 at 8:29 pm #45031
    Casey
    Participant

    I can totally empathize with you, I’m currently 17 and have never had a true relationship with another person in my life. One time I came seriously close, but it failed early on. I too have issues with accepting myself. I struggle with my perceived failures, I have tendency of blowing my shortcomings out of proportion and minimizing my victories.

    I think the best advice I can give is to get to know yourself first. The only way any relationship will work out is if you are sure of who you are. If you aren’t and get into a relationship, you may end up identifying with the said relationship, and if the relationship fails (not saying it will, just what if), you will lose that part in which you identify.

    That’s all I really feel qualified to offer

    Best of luck!
    -Casey

    November 8, 2013 at 9:04 pm #45034
    Matt
    Participant

    Kevin,

    I’m sorry for the suffering you’re experiencing, and know how painful certain moments can be. Sometimes when we are in emotional pain (such as wanting a romantic connection with a woman but not having one) we can become impatient. The pain cycles around the body and makes the moment seem eternal. Don’t despair… there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Its very natural to want romance, to connect with a partner and have all the happiness that it brings. However, as someone with a lot of empathy, its also not surprising that its taken you awhile to find your stride. School, especially middle and highschool are like a minefield for empaths because of all of the chaos. Said differently, its not that there was something wrong with you that made the teenage years different for you, its perhaps that you were a little more open to the energy around you and so didn’t really find yourself in the crowds. That’s actually a good thing, because it means now you also don’t have as many bad habits to uproot before you can fly.

    You’re on a good track with running and working out, taking steps to see your desires take root is really important. Its not that a six pack will attract the ladies… its that as you take the reigns and grow your life in the direction you want to, you naturally become more appealing to compatible women for a variety of reasons. The main one is that you get to know yourself more directly, which radiates out in many directions.

    The biggest issue you seem to have is patience. You’re a kid, just barely out of diapers and feel like youve gone sooooo long without a romantic partner. So when you see couples, its like “yep, that’s what I don’t have, what’s wrong with me” and so forth. This is normal, but you’re unintentionally dishonoring love. The heart chakra, or the center of our loving warmth, closes up when our mind grabs on and cycles with “stupid couples all happy, what bullshit, why not me?”. Instead, if you can see that you have a deep desire to connect and share something similar, it can be enough. “I hope they know and appreciate how beautiful they are, because I would like something like that.”. Consider that right now, your pain is putting you into a position to deeply honor intimacy, to not take it for granted. And, the icing on the cake is you’re finding your own self caring first. You’ll be a relationship superman before you know it! Strong empathy, deep appreciation, and self love? Talk about a magnet!

    Anyway, just keep trucking along friend… its worth the wait. Teenage love affairs are usually more chaos and drama than what would have been nourishing to you anyway… and you’re in such a fertile position now that with a little patience and compassion for other lovers dancing (instead of self loathing or jealousy) and I have no doubt your wings will sprout. If you’re having trouble maintaining the feeling of warmth and joy in your chest, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. Search YouTube if you’re interested, and I promise you that it makes a big difference. As lifting weights makes the muscles in your body strong, metta meditation is what makes your heart strong… and it has the wonderful byproduct of making the mind smooth and peaceful, fluid.

    As for the crying, that’s just part of your empathy in my opinion. You may be picking up on some stuff around you, or feeling alone and lost… either way just let it flow and keep walking. Don’t be ashamed of your emotion, it makes you stronger than you know. Try to ignore the machismo social conditioning of crying being weak or whatever… it really is just garbage. As you continue to develop it gets a lot easier. 🙂 For instance, i used to cry at odd times for unknown reasons before i learned to fly. Now, i still cry at odd times but its almost always known why… and it feels much more like a river of joy and appreciation than sorrow and longing.

    Namaste, friend, you’re so much closer than you think. May your life shine with love and light.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    November 8, 2013 at 9:12 pm #45035
    memm
    Participant

    Your story is very similar to mine except I’m 25!

    Try doing some analytical meditation, I think the Dalai Lama describes it well in this video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTLe5TFTh24

    Basically I realised that having a girlfriend is an “external” source of happiness, and external sources come and go, you might have a girlfriend for a while and you’ll be happy, then you might have a fight or you might break up or you realise that person isn’t exactly for you and then what? You’ll just go back to being depressed? This is basically how I analysed this. We need to be happy regardless of circumstances because circumstances keep changing.

    Stop seeking things to make you happy externally, work on being happy internally.

    I still want a girlfriend, don’t get me wrong, it’s still a desire of mine, but the point is if I find one I’ll be happy, if I don’t find one I’ll be happy, if I find one and something happens I’ll still be happy. That’s what I’m striving towards.

    Besides, people are attracted to happy people, including women. ; )

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by memm.
    • This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by memm.
    November 8, 2013 at 11:16 pm #45042
    Kevin
    Participant

    Thanks guy I found your advice to be quite helpful. Thanks Matts, I’ll definitely look into Metta Meditation. I found your advice on honoring love especially interesting, it brought on a perspective I never really thought of. Thanks memm, I’ll take a look at the video when I get the chance 🙂

    November 9, 2013 at 6:35 am #45047
    Krasna
    Participant

    A big like to Matt’s answer. And I totally feel for you Kevin. I joined here to answer you, and because I just found this site and think is’s wonderful. I’m kinda in a similar position here. I’m 23, female, and I have never, ever kissed a boy. Not that I haven’t had the opportunities , but I just didn’t want to kiss anyone. I loved a guy in high school, that he loved me, but he was afraid to love me back, because I was not popular. Then at the graduation party, I got drunk, told him that I loved him all these 4 years (I’m also shy, then I was extremely shy and frustrated,low self-esteem, etc. that almost every teenager experiences) and he rejected me, although, after that he said he’d be my boyfriend, but he was afraid he was going to hurt me/blah blah/ anyway, I should give you Kevin advice, but I’ll get to that in a second, I think is also important to hear my path-might be similar to yours. After all that, I got over him, it was hard, but I did, time healed me, etc. Than, I got to college-couple of years after a break after high school-didn’t know what I wanted to study(and those were the best self-realizing 2 years of my live, where I became a vegetarian) I went to college and, my heart was aching for love, and I immediately fell for this boy-he was a good candidate, strange, they way I like them, unusual, but smoked pot everyday, and It didn’t matter to me , since I desperately wanted to love believe me, ANYONE, just to FEEL something. And thank God he didn’t like me(I’m attractive, it’s not that I’m not) but he truth is he liked me-and every single female human on this earth :/ but didn’t like me saying to him-you should stop,/the marijuana/ etc, so, (thank God!) we didn’t do anything-not even a kiss.
    And now I am in a different country, studying, and here, let’s put it this way-I’m very picky who I love. First of all, with the experience of the marijuana guy, I didn’t want to fall just for the sake of falling in love. I said to myself-if (my one and only guy-future husband etc) is here, I should see him, meet him, got to know him better, and not push anything. ANYTHING I say. It should flow by it self.
    So, there is this guy in our group…he’s not the attractive, but the funny-type guy. He’s American(I’m not) , and somehow, God knows how, day by day, got in to my heart. So I don’t know If I love him(because I don’t know him really) I mean, I see him everyday, he’s funny, charming, I simply enjoy his company, and he got attractive to me. Very much. And I know that is a sign of a love in bloom. Anyway, he has always been just a bit reserved, but nevertheless, he always looked me when he was talking(that might be because he’s american, I’m not sure, nevermind ) he was asking me strange questions like, why this, why that..the type he is not asking others, I even caught him looking at me, and than looking away rapidly-like he was doing something illegal) so I thought to myself-hmmmmmm, “It just MIGHT be possible he likes me”.
    And than-it hit me-yesterday, I found out-he has a girlfriend. Weee-heee!
    Amazing, right?
    It fried my chest, I couldn’t breathe, It hurt my heart physically. I barely went home, cried my heart out, I was listening to music to relax me and cried, and begged fog God to stop the pain, but not wanting to close my heart again, like I did before. I don’t want to become a rock again, I want to let it bloom, although it gets hurt.
    And than I realized in the middle of feeling pity for myself-Hey, wait! I was just saying in class the other day that your happiness depends only and only from you, so I realized-why am I crying? I know it hurts, but I want to love him-I don’t care he has a girlfriend. I don’t care if he even likes me, or not. This love(or whatever it is) is MY feeling, and MINE only. I’m feeling it, so I have the right to project it and express it. No one can stop me. And I want to evolve, I want to feel a selfless love for the first time in my live-I remembered he said, that he will probably get married when he goes back to America, so that means he will marry her, his girlfriend. And I don’t care anymore, do you believe me Kevin?
    And I love him, I want him to be happy. If he loves his girlfriend, go marry her. Be happy.
    I love you, but I want you to be happy,
    If nothing, I can get evolution of my soul in my experience. Now that I’m not expecting anything from him, I feel WONDERFUL. And yesterday, when I cried I felt immediately like I got a huge dose of endorphin and I smiled all the time. I wasn’t crazy, I just felt amazing, like I realized the secret of love.
    So , I know this was a long, painstaking to read answer, my point is dear Kevin, is to give up. Give up all hopes and expectations you have when you fall in love. And the beauty of it is-you can fall in love in ANYONE. You just need to try and see their good sides. And when you do-don’t plan your life together, just love. Selfless, pure love.
    If she sees you love her that way, and she does not want what you have to offer-she is a fool in my opinion, and someone else will see your pureness in the ability to love and will fall for you. And you will be mature in the aspect of loving.
    That goes for me too.
    If he receives my love that would be amazing. But I don’t want to go there. It will drag me back to illusions.
    If not, I’m HAPPY at this very moment, loving him the way he is and letting my heart be warm and filled with emotions.
    I wish you all the best Kevin, I know you can make it, i know you are more than selfish love, and you will see the happiness when you start loving just for the sake of loving.
    Hugs and I have the feeling you will find a girlfriend soon 🙂

    November 9, 2013 at 7:03 am #45049
    Matt
    Participant

    Krasna,

    Beautiful! A few quick things came to heart as I read your words. I’m very impressed by how your romantic love became metta so easily, quickly. Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu! With a little effort (metta practice) that warm feeling can be extended to all beings. Now wouldn’t that be something!

    Namaste, Krasna-buddha, you’re a jewel.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    November 9, 2013 at 2:10 pm #45061
    Kevin
    Participant

    Krasna, Thanks for sharing your story 🙂 I can really relate to that feeling of desperately looking for love (Believe me I’ve been there). Thank you for the kind words, and may you continue your journey!

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