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Advice needed

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  • November 7, 2017 at 5:26 am #176801
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elisabeth:

    Welcome back! Our childhood experience with our then significant others, aka our parents has such a significant affect and effect on us which plays into romantic relationships in the future. Yours does as well as his. I

    In Feb this year you shared: “Growing up as a kid, (your father) rarely kept his promises and always chose someone else over me…. He has caused me a lot of pain and I feel used and feel like he doesn’t care about me…For a long time, I felt that I was not worthy of having a quality relationship and would take whatever came my way”.

    This doesn’t mean to me that this man you shared about is “whatever came your way”, not at all. What I am thinking is that we have to consider our childhood experience in context of a romantic relationship. The same emotional experience tends to repeat and it is often not based on the reality of the romantic relationship, but on the reality of the childhood experience.

    anita

    November 7, 2017 at 4:48 pm #176917
    Elisabeth
    Participant

    These are interesting points. Thanks Anita. I heard from the guy yesterday and he wants to talk tonight. Regardless of what happens, I know we will have our friendship.

    November 8, 2017 at 4:29 am #176979
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Elisabeth,

    It could be a combination of issues as to why the relationship is not professing as you would like. The first, the distance. Long distance relationships are extremely difficult and complicated, and only seeing each other for only one day leads little room for any kind of emotional intimacy. The 2nd. He has a stressful demanding job and boss, and like you said, he does not quite know how to set boundaries about working less hours or taking on less at work. This too can add to stress on him where he has very little energy to invest in any kind of relationship right now, which is why you are the only one doing all the work. He can’t give, what he is unable to. 3rd. He has mental illness. You didn’t mention if he is in therapy for bi-polar, or on meds, but if left untreated, it is very difficult for a bi-polar to maintain a healthy and stable relationship, set boundaries, etc. He needs to get into professional counseling. These are all things to consider before enarking on a future relationship with him. He also has not expressed to you where he sees a future with you. There seems to be a lack of communication. I would re-evaluate things so you don’t end up getting hurt. x

    November 8, 2017 at 8:59 am #177015
    Elisabeth
    Participant

    Hi Eliana,

    We spoke last night and he said that he has deep feelings for me, but doesn’t know how to open up and that long distance relationships do not work for him as he doesn’t feel the intimacy. He feels that we can pick up where we have left off when I move back next Spring. He still wants me to come stay with him when I’m in town as he wants to spend time together and offered his spare bedroom. I’m still on the fence about this and may get a hotel. I also told him that while I am open to trying this again that we are both free to date and pursue other people. Regarding your question about the illness, he is not seeing a therapist, but is on medication. I agree that he needs to receive counseling and he did receive it in the past, but boundaries were crossed by the therapist and himself, so he stopped (this was several years ago).

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