Hi Varo,

Mind dumps are often the best way to start sharing and working through issues. It is difficult to start a new healthy relationship without giving yourself space to become your own person again first, to be able to stand on your own two feet, be happy on your own. But it often happens and life is not black/white, right/wrong.  I do think it’s a big part of why you have become clingy, looking to this new relationship to look after you, take care of you.  I think your new girlfriend has done the best thing possible to give your relationship a chance tbh – standing up for setting healthy boundaries and expectations is not easy and you should try to see this as a positive thing, she’s looking to take some time out to see how to make it work in a way that is a positive experience for both of you – otherwise you would have simply remained broken-up.  Six weeks is not such such a long time to wait to get your own place – and I would not take her being ok to see you in a B&B in the meantime as a negative thing but rather a good sign she wants to give you both the space needed to take it a bit slower, talk things through.  If you truly are interested in continuing with this relationship, try to be content with letting her setting the pace for a while, practice being independent, being the man she was first attracted to.

Seems to me the whole moving in together early thing was based on entirely different expectations from you both – I am guessing you did not discuss these expectations before moving in together the first time, lay out the ground rules so to speak – so important especially when children are involved.  For example, why do you think you became lazy once you’d moved in together? What did you stop doing that you used to do – were you expecting her to run the house by herself for example? Did you have an expectation she would help look after your kids when they are visiting?  The point of moving in together is that both parties should have hopes it will be a positive experience – what do you think the positive things are that you brought to that experience for her?  If/when this relationship continues to develop down this path again, look to avoid making the same mistakes, talk through how it will work, what you will both bring to the experience.

Hope helps, let us know how it goes.

Hey Varo, glad it helped. I think it’s great you can see how to take lessons from this experience and work on yourself – very positive indeed.  Many people would continue to blame others, to blame circumstances, anything but themselves. But only by taking ownership, taking responsibility for yourself and your feelings will anything change for the better. So well done, look forwards to hearing how you go as you start out on this journey.

It does sound like basically you guys moved in together before ready and whilst I get the financial pressure to do so, sometimes money isn’t the most important factor and it’s worth taking your time. Living by yourself for a while will be invaluable in getting past those bad old behaviours from your previous relationship and learning how to be the kind of man you want to be, the kind of example to your kids you want to be. It is so so easy to slip into being lazy and blame others, want others to take care of you – so good to hear you are working on not being that kind of person. There is a ton of great advice across this website so keep reading and enjoy the journey.