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Advice/guidance: is it me or the relationship?

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • May 26, 2019 at 1:58 pm #295835
    msfuturedoctor
    Participant

    Hello Tiny Buddha community,

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years 2 months. We just graduated college together. He is moving to start his first real job in a week, and I am staying in town finishing an internship I have before starting a masters program of my own in August. We have been each other’s best friends from the beginning. Our honeymoon phase lasted longer than people say it “should”, I honestly still get giddy and excited the same way. Like any relationship though, we have had arguments. I have found it hard for me to trust him sometimes, and I get jealous and mistrusting very easily. I have read a lot on this website, and I think it is me and my self-love.

    I lost my father 4 years ago to cancer, and it has still been pretty hard. So, I feel maybe it is me still dealing with that and the loss that is causing my mistrust because let me tell you, he is so kind and caring. He has been with me every single step of the way through any hardship or bad time I have had, and he has never ran away or gotten scared to help me with it. When we first met, he even cried himself when I told him my life story (he never cries).

    We will officially be long distance in a week, and I just am worried about whether our relationship is strong enough to withstand the distance. I don’t know if us separating is better for us both or fighting for each other is better because I cannot see a life without him, he makes me so happy when I am not doubting him. And the funny thing is, he honestly and truly has never given me a reason to mistrust him, he is extremely loyal and works hard on communication. I feel like it is my own past that is causing these doubts, and I should work within.

    If anybody could give me their advice or guidance, I would greatly appreciate it.

    May 26, 2019 at 2:19 pm #295851
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear msfuturedoctor:

    I will read your post attentively when I am back to the computer in about 16 hours. I hope other members reply to you before I am back. For now, according to what you shared, clearly, your mistrust in him is not about who he is-

    – You wrote that he is “kind and caring”, has “been with me every single step of the way through hardship or bad time”, and “he is extremely loyal”.

    anita

    May 27, 2019 at 8:09 am #295921
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear misfuturedoctor:

    You wrote: “we have had arguments. I have found it hard for me to trust him sometimes, and I get jealous and mistrusting very easily…  I don’t know if us separating is better for us both or fighting for each other is better because I cannot see a life without him”-

    – as you become long distant gf-bf, it is very important that there will be no more arguments, no more fighting. Fight for each other, not against each other. When you feel mistrust, suspicion, jealousy, control what you say to him, so to not start an argument. Keep your voice calm, choose your words. It is not fair to punish him for trust issues which he didn’t cause or encourage.

    When you feel suspicion and you get angry, ask yourself: is there a reason, in reality, for my suspicion? If there isn’t, calm yourself. If you are on the phone with him and you feel that anger, excuse yourself and go take a walk or a hot or cold shower, so to calm down. Talk to him later when you are calm.

    It may be a good idea for you to attend psychotherapy so to look into and manage your trust issues. If you want to start here, to look into where that suspicion is coming from, please do.

    anita

     

    May 28, 2019 at 9:58 pm #296205
    marrriee
    Participant

    Hi Love,

    It sounds like you two have each others’ hearts, which is wonderful. I’m glad you’re aware that you have no reason to doubt him and that this doubt may be a ghost from your past. Now I’m not in your relationship, so I don’t know what the dynamic is like however, I feel like long distance may be good for both of you. If he’s truly your love your relationship will be able to withstand anything and make it stronger, even if it’s long distance. This might also be a good time to do some self-reflection and focus on yourself, your happiness and your needs. If your mistrust for him grows out of control during this time, maybe communicate with him about how you feel and explain to him that it’s not his fault. Look for ways how both of you can solve the issue. I know you’ll be able to see this one through. Let me know if you need any support.

    Marie

    @sorcell_ca

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