Dear gj:

1. Regarding the life insurance you took, how does it benefit you and how can it possibly benefit your mother?

2. Would you like to reply to the first part of my recent post to you, before asking about the life insurance?

anita

Dear gj:

“I feel guilty … I am not a good daughter… very moody. I say mean things to my family all the time”-

– if you move out then, out of your family home, they will be better off then, no longer exposed to a bad daughter, a moody person who says mean thing-

– doesn’t it mean that you will be a good daughter and good to your family if you move out and away from them?

anita

Dear Girija:

It is an honor for me that you chose to tell me your real name. (I think the statistical chances that someone you know is reading this is extremely low, so I wouldn’t be worried about it, if I was you). An honor it is. My real name is anita.

I studied your thread and am glad to let you  know that I do have a new understanding, a deeper understanding. I will start with older understanding and develop it to the new:

You wrote regarding your mother: “I once asked her how she felt when she held me for the first time, she said she does not remember much and agreed it may not have been a significantly joyous reaction”-

– looking up to your mother as she held you for the first time was very significant for you, a very joyous experience, yet it meant nothing to her, nothing memorable.

She was “incredibly unhappy and sad” your whole life. She did not experience joy having you in her life.

You wrote about your mother and about life at home where your mother has been the key figure for you: “I never heard any kind words from her…I really have no support… I really feel empty and I have no one… I have no joy left… The emptiness becomes unbearable and I become extremely aware of how horrible my life is”.

When you wrote about people being “too strong, harsh even cruel. No one stops to see where another is coming from”- maybe you meant other people, outside your home, but these were the people inside your home as well. No one in your home stopped or stops to see where you are coming from. Or ever will.

You were not loved at home, no one was there for you, no one cherished you: “When you say loved, I take that as knowing someone is always there for you and cherishes you. I do not have evidence for that”.

Your home was about doing what society expects. The number 1 concern is financial security, not living on the streets. Number 2 concern is reputation, what strangers think. Emotional needs of members within the family are of no importance: “My mom has complained that her parents never truly cared about her. And I think it is a pattern… No one cares about emotional needs. They are all doing what society expects them to do… I have figured out what my mother has taught me- to not try to change your situation as you may lose what you already have. She was afraid of losing financial support so she never left my father and also was afraid of losing reputation”-

Family/ societal tradition is financial survival without love. And so, your mother wakes you up every morning, checks on you from time to time so that you are physically alive, and so that you go to work and earn money (“she is the one that wakes me up everyday. She even checks on me from time to time- go bath, eat, etc. However, I am never able to get her to listen”), and most recently, she saw to it that you buy a life insurance policy with the family’s benefit- your own, your sister and herself. The Priority is Money and your value, in your mother’s mind, is financial.

Like you wrote, it doesn’t mean she is scheming anything. What I am saying is that Money is her number one priority, her main concern. According to her,  “The best future possible was to earn as much as possible so my family does not fall out on the streets”.

Your emotional well being is not her concern: “My mother always took care of us, besides emotional stuff- I thought that was love”- no it was not and is not love. Again, she cared about money, not about your heart, not about your emotional well being.

My very new understanding this morning is regarding what you wrote here: “I see well functioning people like my cousins that are like machines, they do not have love either yet they don’t struggle like I do… None of this hurt my sister or my cousins. I think this is why I feel like I don’t fit in, I am hyper sensitive to everything… How can I know if my expectations from others are too much or if I am being too sensitive for my own good?…. I thought I was either too selfish or too sensitive.. I cannot be around people being fake.. I cannot play along… My constant fear is that I am a raging, emotional and unstable person and that I may ruin my life by trying to change things up or choosing a path different from everyone else”

– something happened early on to your mother, your cousins and a lot of other people you encounter, including many of your co workers: they adjusted very well to the lack of love- they stopped needing it. It is similar to a plant that has lived too long without water, its flowers wilt too soon, their leaves shed, branches fall, and all that remains is a trunk and a branch or two. As a limited plant, a limited human, a person feels okay, stable, as okay and stable as possible and functions according to expectations within the society they are in.

You didn’t adjust that well. Not all your flowers wilted, not all your leaves shed and you have more branches than anyone else. You are miserable because these flowers and leaves yearn for water. You require love. You are not okay with the very, very little (if any) love that is available to you.

Therefore, yes, you are more sensitive than your family members, co workers and many others. And yes, you experience raging emotions and feel unstable because you are more alive than others.

Others are numb, like machines. You are emotional, like a human.

You always wanted your mother’s approval. But what she wants from you  is to be that limited human, that plant-with-no-flowers-no-leaves. You can never satisfy her requirement because the adjustment of becoming limited, less than, had to happen earlier in your life, when you were a child. It can not happen now. You cannot be less sensitive, less expecting, less caring about what is happening. You can’t fake it and you can’t play along.. no matter how much you wish you could.

anita