Dear Marie:

Interesting, the words here: “(I) hadn’t had much luck in the sense of me actually falling”- as if Falling is a good thing, lucky if it happens. Falling, the verb, implies losing control, losing your standing.

If you’d like to share the following, which is necessary for my understanding, please do:

What did the first two guys you dated in the last year say and do that was “too clingy” and how did it make you feel?

anita

Dear Marie:

What I would do, if I was you, would be to look for competent, high quality psychotherapy where you can explore the questions you have, as well as the answers. Your last question above is how to trust your gut feelings when you were wrong before, about the man with whom you were with for three years.

Our gut feelings, each one of them, has a valid message. For example, you felt very attached to your long term boyfriend- that means that separating from him would be painful. Such attachment did not mean he was a good choice for you. If a woman misunderstands the nature of her attachment to mean the man is a good choice, then she misunderstands the message in her attachment and tries to make it work again, and again and again.

But if you understand that a people get as strongly attached to bad choices as to good choices in men, then you understand that best for you is to separate from the man.

Figuring out the valid, true messages in our gut feelings is very important and it is something you can learn to do in therapy as well as in every day practice.

anita