Home→Forums→Relationships→Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending.
- This topic has 59 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by
jlo5.
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November 14, 2016 at 5:07 am #120344
JohnParticipantJlo5, how are things working out for you? Well I hope….
February 9, 2017 at 4:33 am #127086
jlo5ParticipantHi everyone
An update from me. After a lot of sould searching and trying to make things work, essentially nothing has changed and the feelings of walking on eggshells and not being able to do anything right have continued.
I have told my partner and am moving out the home on Saturday with my two wonderful boys.
He hasn’t taken it well, its been horrendous, which culminated in him forcing me to tell the kids last night in an uncontrolled way while he sobbed “dont do this, dont do this”. My 9 year old was hysterical, the youngest one didn’t really say anything I am not sure what his understanding is.
I feel free but terribly hurt I couldn’t protect my children last night from seeing his pain. It just confirms to me he is a self centred individual who sees no wrong in his actions. He cannot believe it, even though its been mentioned a lot of times. I still have love for him. I guess I want reassurance the kids are not going to be f**ked up by the whole mess. I am very focused on them. They are my priority. This morning I told both school teachers and have support in real life.
The teacher of the eldest offered an appointment with the school psychologist: should I wait and see what happens, or agree to that anyway?
He is very very upset of course. Thanks in advance.February 9, 2017 at 7:32 am #127103
AnonymousGuestDear jlo5:
Welcome back and thank you for being back here for an update. I read through a good part of your posts here since September. Clearly, you have been the best partner possible to this man. You were focused on him, aiming at his well being, for a long, long time. You made many sacrifices, changes, hoping his life experience will improve. You took abuse and experienced lots of distress trying to help him. You did anything and everything possible for his well being.
It is a shame that I may be more able to appreciate all your efforts than him, the recipient of so much thought, energy and time on your part.
Unfortunately, the boys have been and are suffering from their father in-wellness and from your sacrifices for him. In trying so very hard to improve their father’s well being, the kids are paying the price.
Take best care possible of your boys, protect them from their father’s un-wellness… and from your strong drive to help him (at the kids’ and your own expense).
I hope you leave the man as soon as possible and limit the boys’ exposure to their father at this point. Better prevent such exposure than allow it so that the oldest can see a psychologist. If you prevent more damage to the boys, there will be less work to be done in counseling, and that is a better option.
anita
February 10, 2017 at 7:35 am #127148JohnParticipantjlo5,
Good luck and best wishes. I hope it works out for the better for all of you.
February 13, 2017 at 4:48 am #127309jlo5ParticipantThanks JJC
Thanks Anita too, I appreciate your honesty. I have indeed put his needs above my own and probably above the children. I have tried to be the best parent I can to them, at the same time trying to clear the fog i have suffered for so long. I have a great bond with both of them and we communicate well. I know I delayed in making my decision and in time I guess I will blame myself for that. I am now in my own home, I have the boys with me and they are being amazing. I am so so very proud of them and sorry they had to witness any stress and upset. They are my priority, along with mending myself, and reconnecting with family, friends and work. I realise I have invested so much of my thoughts and life to him and I now I have the space I hope I can do that. Both boys have shown great strength hand empathy. I am happy for that.
I have a lot of work to do to stop the conditioning I have felt for so many years, but it is already feeling liberating. I feel relaxed for the first time in years. He has been actually quite nice the last few days and supportive. He wants to get himself sorted (so he says) and I want to try and remain in his life for support and so the boys can have a relationship with him. I strongly feel that the boys will benefit from us being apart. I am 99.9999% sure I am not returning, he thinks there might be a glimmer of hope. But I have been firm and in control, I have my autonomy back.
February 13, 2017 at 4:57 am #127311jlo5ParticipantJJC: any updates from your situation?
February 13, 2017 at 5:01 am #127313jlo5ParticipantJust to confirm I have moved out and am in my own place with the children.
February 13, 2017 at 7:19 am #127325AnonymousGuestDear jlo5:
You are welcome. Clearly, by your own testimony, moving to your own place with the children, no longer living with their father, is a very good choice for your children and for you. I hope that the current 0.00001% that you will return to a relationship with the man does not experience a mathematical-miracle of sorts and that you will not be back with him. Because of your long history with him, and the “conditioning” that you mentioned, you are likely to experience the emotional motivation to be back with him. When you do (not “if” but “when”)- I hope you re-read your own posts here. And please, do post anytime.
anita
February 13, 2017 at 9:56 am #127419jlo5ParticipantI think the 0.00001% is because I feel terribly guilty. I feel like its my fault. I am experiencing huge swings in emotions. I feel for him being alone. I know it was his doing, I know, but it doesn’t stop me feeling sad about it.
How do I unattach?
February 13, 2017 at 10:12 am #127425AnonymousGuestDear jlo5:
Don’t let that guilt, your bad feelings, do that mathematical “miracle” of turning a 0.00001% to a 100%- that can happen so quickly. Say to yourself: I will resist the compulsion to get back with him, no matter how I feel. I only FEEL guilty; I am not guilty.
You “feel for him being alone”- while it is you fearing to be alone, without him. If you explore your own fear of being alone, in competent psychotherapy, maybe, you will be able to leave him be.
It is not him needing you; it is you needing him. That need needs to be looked at, not reacted to, but understood and endured.
Post anytime.
anita
February 13, 2017 at 12:51 pm #127473
PeterParticipantHow do I un-attach
I think you un-attach when you recognize that in some way you will always be a part of each other’s stories. I don’t believe that to be a contradiction. Trying to forget, or pretend otherwise just makes the attachments stronger.
In a way after a break up it is memory that we are attached to. Memory not just of the past experiences but memories of the hope we had for an imagined future that can no longer be. Knowing what we are mourning and might wish to reattach to is important part of the process.
Time does not heal but it can soften memories and with that the attachments we have to them. We breathe, we mourn, and just maybe find ourselves grateful for what we have learned.
February 14, 2017 at 11:17 am #127599JohnParticipantDear jlo5,
Not much to report from me other than I am feeling much better. I was in a bad place when we were first in contact. My mental health was terrible due to the stresses within me. I’m hoping that circumstances will change soon so that I can begin to move on with life having been stuck for such a long time.
February 16, 2017 at 2:51 pm #127931
Brav3ParticipantFebruary 24, 2017 at 11:53 pm #129295
BelleParticipantDear jlo5
I am so pleased for you that you have found the unbelievable strength and managed to walk out. I apologise that I have not managed to post for over 5 months but I have been reading and kept watching your progress.
You are now providing me with a glimmer of light, I am further down the road than I was, I’m nearly ready to walk out, I have just a few practical things to sort out then there will nothing left to stop me,except my own self doubt that I can do this. I am finding bravery from places I didn’t know I had but still the stress and lies and frustration I feel are causing weight loss, skin breakouts, smoking, over drinking, too much coffee…etc.
I will post again when I have taken the next step but for now I just wanted to say that you are an amazing mummy and woman and don’t expect too much from yourself, everything will take time, your entire life has changed and will continue to change, relationships with old friends, with new friends as you introduce yourself as a single mum, so so much, I will try and take my own advice here and really carve out time to take care of yourself, with some calming meditation, or just sitting quietly with a cup of tea watching the clouds and birds carry on as they do every day.Thought about you a lot and will continue to hope you see how strong, and amazing you are.
XxFebruary 28, 2017 at 8:28 am #131679jlo5ParticipantBelle: that is so lovely for you to come back and post and thanks for telling me I am an amazing mummy, I have had a lot of doubt about that, mainly due to guilt of splitting the family up and hurting their beloved father. I know really, he has done that, but its still hard to process. Thank you so much, I hope you find strength to find what you need to do. I can tell you its taken almost three years of almost despair for me to reach the point I have. Don’t be hard on yourself.
I am still finding it very difficult, but I am in my own space now. I’m realizing that my every waking moment around him 9and even when i was away from him) has been focused on keeping him happy. I have (and this is really difficult to admit) not been as available for family, friends and most importantly my two gorgeous boys. I am so very very proud of them both. They have dealt with it so far better than I could have expected and both have shown a huge amount of care and compassion (particularly for their father, who isn’t shielding them from his pain).
I am nearly three weeks since telling him i was leaving and just over 2 weeks in my own space. I am still finding daily life tough, but I am amazed at what I can do and have been able to do. Its like I am living a dream at the moment, but today I started to realize I need to connect and understand what is happening to ME. Shortly I will go for a walk, and look at the sea with no phone, nothing and just think.
I have had to see him quite a few times because of the boys, and I feel worse after I have seen him as he is broken. He wants me to wave a magic wand and make everything alright. He has shown more compassion to me in the last 2 weeks than in the last 21 years and I also need to remember that.
I feel “lighter” and when the guilt wears and I allow myself to grieve for everything our relationship was and should have been I know I will be in a better place.
Keep posting, and keep thinking. Don’t shut it out like I did for years and deny its happening, it will destroy your inner self. Good luck Belle <3 -
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