This appears to be classic emotional abuse. Abuse doesnt have to be physical, Emotional is much more hurtful mentally and emotionally. Google “Emotional Abuse” and Emotionally Abusine Relationships”. Wealth of information and I had found that it was a classic example in my case. Very subtle, but it worked on my mind and self esteem, until it ate away at my authentic self. Please do google this subject, it will be enlightening. It will name what you are experiencing and how to deal with it.

It’s interesting, because on the one hand you seem to know exactly what is going on with him but you can’t quite seem to figure out how to address the issue. The emotional abuse is a symptom of that pressure to change, which produces stress. You see, men can be nurturers, but it’s not the primary role of their physiology. It causes a great deal of stress and insecurity in a man, to fulfill a role opposite to his physiology. Working contrary to his desires to be a protector, a hunter, a leader and to establish order in a family. He begins to feel insignificant, to feel drained, and this produces a lot of negativity, and a lot of resentment directed at those around him and at you. The purpose of a relationship, is to not only help each other grow, but to be a solid foundation for the family, to provide for all of its needs and to reproduce that initial success in its offspring. You aren’t happy because you don’t get time with the kids and can’t fall into the role you desire, as a nurturer, a homemaker, to form lasting bonds throughout the family and maintain its cohesivity, to be a foundation of support. He’s not happy because he’s found himself in a role he’s not naturally proficient in. He can’t identify with his masculinity, because he is working against it, which hurts him in all aspects of his life, including friendships and family. The problem is, your natural inclinations to fulfill your role, by being supportive, caring, understanding, compassionate, helpful, are directed at the wrong objective. The objective being, him falling into a role his heart is not set in, which he has little proficiency in, and confidence in doing. So although you are doing everything right, its to accomplish the wrong goal, it’s alienating him from feeling masculine, from identifying with his married male friends, from being confident in accomplishing the tasks he sets out to do, from establishing order in the family, and from being a role model and a blanket of security for his family.

How do we fix this? Awareness helps, which you’ve got in spades. He needs to be supported in a leadership role, to gain control over the families course, to get a job and once again start providing for the family. This doesn’t mean you have to quit your job, but you can ease back on your hours so you have more time with the family. This will ease up on the pressure he feels, relieving stress, give him more time outside the relationship to focus on having fun and connect with other married men with good values to impress upon him. More time for you both to rekindle the romance in your relationship. Think back to what attracted the two of you together in the first place, what was it about him that you loved so much before the kids came along and all the stress of raising a family? What was it about you that he loved? Try to get back to that initial fire you had that brought you both together, because those flames are dying out.
Encourage him to make more decisions which will result in him being more outspoken, nurture his confidence by building him up, allow him to guide the conversations with others, he will feel uncomfortable because he isn’t used to this. Repetition produces perfection and encourages confidence. Wherever there are opportunities, allow him to take the lead, even if he doesn’t want to. This will pressure him to grow into the role he wants in the family unit.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Joshua.

Classic response from the abuser: ” It’s not that bad…”. If it gives you pain. anxiety and hurt, it is that bad. It is all about him, and not you. There will always be some pleasant times, that’s wha
t keeps you second-guessing yourself. Just enough niceness, when you are at your breaking point, to reel you back in.

Dear jlo5:

Your husband has been troubled most likely ever since he was a child. The trouble is located in between his ears and this is why changing anything external will not do. At one point, in his trouble, distress he started turning against you. If he turned toward you, then there would be a chance for the two of you to help each other, so it would be a Win-Win relationship. Unfortunately he turned and continues, progressively, to turn against you.

Psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist would be best: first attend as a couple and first thing to attend to would be him being taught to turn toward you and not against you. Abusive behavior on his part must stop. The therapist will teach the two of you how to communicate with EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. He would need to learn and practice the E and the R of the EAR and you, the A (Assertiveness).

Unless he is willing to attend such, he will continue to be troubled, maybe progressively so. You will as well, walking on eggshells, being abused and the children will continue to suffer because there is no way that they don’t sense the tension and misery.

You may need to consider separation from him for the sake of the children.

anita

Dear jlo5:

Your emotions are telling you that he is hurting and he needs help and … like he is a young boy in need of help. And it is true in the sense that much of him is that young boy that he was. Problem is, that young boy is stuck in a stubborn man who turned against you and in so doing, against his own children.

Pay attention to your children: are they affected by the dynamics between you and their father? Are they suffering? If your children need you to rescue them, do so.

Did you, by the way, talk to him about the origin of his trouble, his childhood, most likely? Did he share with you about it? With therapy not being likely for the two of you, it is possible for two people to help each other, for as long as each turns toward the other and not against the other. Is there a chance for such communication between the two of you?

anita

Dear jlo5:

Keep noticing your children. See how affected your fiancé (are you planning on getting married..?) by his parents- parents have a huge affect on children’s lives way into adulthood, as you see.

And as a mother, your first responsibility is the welfare of your children.

In regard to your fiancé, you wrote in your original post: ” It feels like he just wants more and more from me, nothing is good enough”- he is likely suffering still from his cold, cold mother and although you are very warm toward him, unlike his mother, placing him in the center of your life, nothing you do is good enough for him because he is STILL suffering from his mother’s coldness. That pain still circulates in his brain, the hurt and fear of being unloved and alone as a child.

And so, unless he addresses that old hurt and fear, it will keep clouding his evaluation of the present. He can’t … feel your warmth because he is still feeling the coldness of his childhood.

It is too painful for him to be aware of this but keeping his past away from his awareness does not seal it off- the past leaks into his present again and again and yet again.

anita

It sounds like you two need some space to work on your issues and then work on your relationship. Separating does not mean forever nor divorce.

His issues stem from his childhood as he was raised by an alcoholic family and are being medicated with alcohol. The alcohol needs to stop first thing. Only with a sober mind can he begin to address his core issues. I suggest AA which is free and available worldwide.

I suggest AA but I’m not saying its the only solution, there are other group therapies that are also free and of a different flavor than AA. Some people are very anti-AA because the message is sometimes lost in its delivery.

While you can suggest this to him, he’s going to have to make the decision himself. You however should likely separate for a while to get some space and recoup. Separating also puts the onus on him to make a move. It hopefully will be the bottom he needs to see that things need to change.

While you’re very strong for having to go through all of this, I’m sure you could use some support because you need not go through this alone. There are groups and therapies for that as well.

I wish you two the best.