Hi Holly,

Relationship break ups are tough and it’s natural to want to know why things didn’t work out and how a person can be in love with you one day and give you the cold shoulder on the next. Sometimes, it seems so unfair that one person can make a decision that can cause you so much pain without a proper explaination. Having been on both sides of a break up, I found that it is not always easy to articulate exactly what the issue is and if something feels wrong, there is no way to use logic to argue my way back in again.

To answer your first question, with most break ups where I was the initiater, it’s not something that I woke up one day thinking “aha, today is the day”. There usually is a build up and a lot of thinking before you break the news to the person because it’s a hard thing to do and you want to be sure that’s the right decision. So in that sense, your ex had a much further head start then you in the grieving process, which is probably why he moved on so quickly.

For your second question, it seems unlikely that your ex will feel differently in the future because of how messey the break up is. Having dealt with a couple of real stalkers, I can tell you that none of them considers themselves as such and it almost never starts with a big crazy thing. It usually starts with them initiating contact with the other person repeatedly (and as the reciever, you do feel harassed after a while), get hurt and frustrated each time they are ignored, use this hurt to justify their more outlandish behaviours and eventually, they would have given away so much of their dignity that there is nothing left but an all consuming obessession for the other person. The more this plays out, the less desirable they become.

So my advice, don’t put the key of your happiness in someone else’s pocket.

Hey Holly,

It’s not possible to understand why people make the choices they do. Even though you feel you deserve an explanation, you’re not always going to get it- that’s just life, unfair as it may be. Understand that his choices are his own and you need to respect those choices regardless of whether you agree with them or not. Doing this will help reduce your desire for an explanation. Your first question is a valid one, and one, I think most people have after they breakup- how could this person who I had dated for so long, completely change their behavior after we broke up? The short version- breakups cause a lot of suffering and pain makes people behave differently as I’m sure you’ve found out. Sometimes, they go to extremes such as your ex contacting the authorities. That was his reaction and it may have been overzealous, but unfortunately, you can’t change that.

Secondly, break ups are a part of life and as hard and painful as this may be, you have the chance to grow from this experience. You need to understand that by focusing so intently on him and his choice, you’re not allowing yourself to heal and grow from it. The sooner you see this experience as an opportunity to be a better person, the sooner you will heal.

Lastly, he doesn’t sound like a partner that is truly worth the time and effort that a good relationship requires. He is dealing with his own issues right now and anyone that is focused so completely on themselves won’t make a good partner. A good partner is happy with who they are, satisfied with where they are, and is always moving forward. Think about it, do you really want to be with a person that would behave in such a selfish and secretive manner? This is the perfect opportunity to become the person you would truly value being with and you’re more likely to find that person in the future because of this experience. This is also a great opportunity to better define the person you actually want to be with. After all, you only get as much as you put into something.

The faster you start moving forward and the faster you accept this and put it in the past, it will get easier. With time and practice you can make this a positive experience; it doesn’t need to be a negative one. This is your life and it’s yours to do with as you desire. This is an opportunity to become better, it is not a negative experience unless you make it one.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

Thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Take a look if you need more advice.