Speaking as a man who was once obsessed and addicted to women’s sexuality and beauty and mistook lust for love, all I can say is that I was weak and I allowed women to feed my delusions by jumping into bed with me very quickly.

If my mind becomes hooked and obsessed, I must be in love, right?

If I pursue this woman and she returns my advances, then we must be in love, right?

These relationships were fallacies rooted on a weak foundation driven by hormones and insecurities probably on both sides.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.

First of all, my apologies for responding to your question so late. I missed it completely.

Second of all, on behalf of all men who “rebound”, once again, my sincere apologies. I had heard of the rebound concept growing up, but I had no idea that I would ever fall prey to it. I’m not even sure how it happened, it all seems like a blur. There’s still some shame, guilt, and regret associated with my rebound relationship, but I don’t deny that it happened and have used that experience and energy to learn more about myself and work very hard to have more healthy and wholesome relationships.

You asked how long does this addiction last? Well, my first addiction lasted about 7 years so therefore the amount of time, the money, the energy you spend on it really doesn’t matter. It could be 3 months or it could 10 years, if the relationship is not based on a solid foundation of common values, trust, respect, openness, honesty, and most importantly individual stability, then there is a huge risk that the relationship will eventually fall apart.

My new theory is, broken people attract broken people and stable people attract stable people. Therefore, it doesn’t start with the relationship. That’s not where the healing takes place. It has to start within. You have to actively working on your self-confidence, self-compassion, improving your mental health, your physical health, and your emotional intelligence.

If there’s too much self-doubt, insecurity, fear, anxiety, and a desire that says, “I’ll be okay once I’m in a relationship…..”, “Everything will be better once I’m in a relationship….”, “I’ll be able to get over the last relationship, by starting a new one….” that’s not a good starting point.

Through hard work, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, actively working being comfortable with loneliness and boredom, and through personal self-help, I’ve arrived at a place now where I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, but it would be nice to be in a relationship. With that kind of stability, I’m noticing that I’m attracting a lot more stable people. There’s no addiction. There’s not as much clinging and attachment. There’s still a lot of work left to do, but once your able to breath freely and stand on your own two feet, it’s amazing how much clearer you can perceive the world and people around you for who they are in their level of maturity and where they are in the stages of their life.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.

You’re very welcome. And thank you. Allowing me to share my story and providing you with advice and guidance that might help you avoid further pain and suffering alleviates some of the the pain and suffering I feel having been on the other side of these kind of relationships.

If we both take the time to find stability within ourselves first, we can break free of this cycle of unhealthy co-dependent relationships.

How does one differentiate between giving people a “benefit of the doubt” and “just leaving a lie”? It’s when you see signs of being a rebound, but keep telling yourself that he is different. 😉

But seriously, there are no hard and fast rules, there’s no magic formula, no prescription, and no recipe now how to stay clear of pain and suffering. I truly believe in the inherent goodness of all people and it takes time to get to know the real person. Therefore, take it nice and slow (especially the sex). Don’t rush and really try to get to know the person, asking lots of questions, and reflecting on how you feel. But even with your best judgement, a person who you thought was completely stable may turn out to be completely the opposite. It’s a risk we all take.

I would say, rather than looking out to another person for signs and signals, look within first. When your starting a new relationship, how do you feel about yourself? Are you able to comfortably spend extended periods of time alone in quiet and solitude? If you were to be alone for the rest of your life, would you be okay with that? If someone you loved walked out the door and never returned again, can you feel confident that you’ll eventually be okay and find someone else? Can you accept being rejected with grace and stability?

The responses to these questions will determine the health of your relationship. As you are able to respond to these questions with confidence and security, your ability to trust your instincts to end a relationship or even avoid starting something with someone who might become “addicted” to you will improve.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by John.