Hi S,

No you don’t have to be friendless to be happy. Just be patient with yourself and with your friends who are trying to help you out. Sometimes friends are trying to give you well-meaning advice and can go on a rant about what not to do. You’re still grieving for loss. And that’s ok. We all experience things differently and we definitely aren’t machines where we can turn off our emotions with a click of a button. It’s definitely not easy trying to manage all aspects of our lives at once. Just work on each piece as best you can.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone. It’s great to have me-time! That’s the best time to find out what your passions are, do stuff you like to do and grow. But it’s also really great to hang out with like-minded individuals, especially those who are supportive. I dunno, maybe you want to look into a support group to help with talking stuff out? I’ve never been to one, but I figured they may be a bit more gentle in terms of giving advice?

Just keep working on you and be the best you that you can be. 🙂

Lucia

Sapna,

Its great that you’ve noticed how your body is in the habit of being sad! I wouldn’t consider you “addicted to pain” but rather grieving and healing, which takes time. You do seem quite stubborn! 🙂

For instance, when we have a broken ankle it would hurt when we walk on it. So we are gentle with ourselves, and use crutches or elevate our foot. We take it easy. Not Sapna! She gets up and tries to run a marathon! 🙂

When we’re grieving, it hurts, and so we are especially patient and gentle. We don’t jump to conclusions, rather sit and notice and breathe. Deciding friends are not good for us, telling the boss we’re bored… perhaps actions motivated by grief? Conclusions reached and decided? Jumping up and down with a healing ankle?

One Buddhist teacher said do not trust any insight that comes from a deluded mind state. Said differently, our view of the world, people, our job from a mind state of sorrow is influenced by that sorrow. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna,

I’m not Matt Turner…ie that wasn’t my article, but I’m glad you enjoyed it! Perhaps with your other friends you could talk about what they want to talk about, what seems relevant to them. Friends can help us get out of our ruts, and maybe trying your best to join them where they are will be interesting. When I go to my family, for instance, I recognize that we are in much different places, but if I let go of the “mindfulness matt” and just flow with the situation, my creativity and passion easily move into whatever conversations are happening.

Or, if that is too painful for you right now, accept that it is a good time to be alone, not because you are “destined to be alone” but because it allows you to be more gentle with your experiences. Then when you’re ready you can rejoin the dance of humankind. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Sapna, the first things you have started doing, which is a really significant step forwards, is noticing your patterns of behaviour. Becoming aware of your habits is vital if you want to change them. Another important thing is, at this stage, just to notice those habits, and not judge yourself for having them or jump to any conclusions about them. Be patient and kind to yourself.

I think you should remind yourself daily that your patterns of behaviour do not make you ‘a masochist’ or ‘addicted to pain’. Just because you have acted a particular way in the past does not mean you are destined forever to follow that same pattern.

You own your brain. You own your choices and decisions. You may look back and regard a particular decision as unwise or a ‘bad’ decision, but that doesn’t mean you have to act the same way again.

Spending time alone, meditating, is a really valuable thing to do, and I think it’s going to be an important part of your journey and your healing process, as you reacquaint yourself with who you are, and who you want to be. I believe that learning to be at peace with your self is one of the most important lessons we can learn! And the more at peace you are with yourself, the more you will enjoy the company of others.

I am sure that your friends feel they are acting in your best interests. What they perhaps don’t fully understand is that they can’t make you take their advice or behave in the way they think you should behave, and that they may be of more help to you by simply supporting you through your journey. Stick with the support group though if you are finding it is helpful. Or if finances allow have you considered working with anyone on a more one-to-one basis?

Wishing you all the best on your journey – you have already taken important steps 🙂

Liz

“I am a work in progress”- Sapna this makes me smile. A LOT. Because this is a huge affirmation, and actually something that all of us, no matter how happy we feel, should remind ourselves every day. Regarding ourselves this way makes us make effort to learn and grow and make things the best they can be at any one time. We don’t stand still or become complacent. It sounds like you are doing a great job.

I think that for me, my pain addiction is a defense mechanism from back when my life was going nowhere and I felt I had to get used to it.