Hi!

For about 2 years I’m in “off and on” relationship. It started with me flirting with her on facebook and soon enough she fell deeply in love with me. It was mainly via facebook becouse we live in different cities. Anyway, that time I wasn’t ready to commit, becouse I was still very hurt after my breakup. But we were in contact, and I enjoyed very much all the attention and “love” she was giving me, so after some time I fell in love with her too… But soon after it became mutual, she started pulling back. So since 1,5 year we are in “off and on” relationship. It goes like this: I give her a lot of affection and love, but when she senses that I’m getting to close emotionally, she withdraws. That’s when I’m in greatest pain, so I try to distance emotionally from her just to get her off my mind. But when she realizes that she’s losing me, she starts to send me all these affectionate signals, telling me how much she misses me, etc.. Then we reconnect for a brief period o time on a very high emotional level, have passionate sex and then she emotionally withdraws herself again… This cycle is wreaking havoc with me. It’s even hard for someone from outside to comprehend how deep feelings of loneliness and emptiness, this person evokes in me while she gives me her silent treatment.

I don’t know how to break free… The longest period of absolute no-contact with her was for about 4 months. I did EVERYTHING all these self-help books recommended: I assigned myself on workshops from painting, I tried indoor climbing for the first time in my life, I was going to gym, doing roller-skating, I was going out with my friends, eating healthy, having a lot of sleep and I was not drinking… But each day was felt like a death. Despite all these efforts I suffered deep depression and was having suicidal thoughts. 4 months and even slightest mark of getting better. Eventually I gave up and contacted her again.. It was about 8 month ago and since that time we have gone through our “cycles” for about 3-4 times. It was about one month ago she broke up with me again..

I don’t know what to do. Seriously. Time doesn’t seem to be a healer in my case. Neither healthy activities, nor socializing or taking up new hobbies. Hell… I even tried psychotherapy…

This time I have no motivation doing ANY of these things I tried during my 4-months of no contact period. I already know it ain’t gonna help me any way… I’m fearful facing another long period of depression, I fear these dark suicidal thoughts. This time I turned to drinking. I already feel I’m losing it. Almost everyday I come back after work I drink until the image of her face in my mind is pleasantly blurred and distanced. I feel all tension accumulated in my mody wanes. It’s the only state I can fall asleep.
I even stopped talking about my problems with my friends becouse I feel they have already enough of my never-ending story with that girl.

I wish I have never met her.

• This topic was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by David.