Unfortunately the explosive episode would come from a dark place deep down,  usually if I had been really depressed for a few days and was extremely low on patience and understanding. Yes it would be directed at my wife, and regretfully a couple times to my oldest daughter. 95% of the time my children never witnessed my selfdestruction.

I am very lucky that my wife is still understanding of my conditions and imperfections, and I know she truly wants me to be happy and healthy as well as her and my children. She is also highly educated and has been through similar suffering which you would think would be great for my process but I have a very hard time letting her in when I’m going into my dark abyss. This is something that I’m working hard on forgiving myself and not pushing help or loves ones away.

Me and my therapist have been laying out the ground work to have a plan for EMDR therapy that I am doing as well. I was doing EMDR with an awesome therapist before but I could no longer afford to pay out of pocket and I was seeing her every week, and going to someone else for medication management. I was doing great and when I had to stop seeing her it was like I was dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Confused, no direction, and bummed out that again I was defeated.

I don’t expect instant success and I’m well aware that this is going to be a long journey. I have done group therapy in the past and though I feel that’s a longer and more painful process, I did like not feeling alone, and knowing that there are others struggling in very Similar ways as me. I’m 35 and say stuff like who in the world is doing, saying, and acting like me and the truth was astonishing the youngest being 15 and up to around 80 years old. The downside for me was I’ve never lacked compassion for others suffering, and I found myself getting stuck on wanting to help others, the therapists and the patients loved hearing me speak because I would speak from my heart and soul. I just can’t seem to do the same for myself yet. Nevertheless it was a great experience.

Just out of curiosity you seem to have a good grasp on details, and process. Are you in the profession or have you been through therapy as well. Completely fine if this is unanswered.

Thanks again, Ryan

Thank you for Sharing that with me. You clearly have taken what you have learned to heart, and take it very serious I admire that. Yes Anxiety has always been a huge factor for me it truly determines how well or poorly I react to any situation. There was a lot of fear for me growing up and it shut me down emotionally, and physically. So in the fight or flight situation I unfortunately became accustomed to the fight scenario around age 12 when I was in a fist fight for the first time. And it became very natural for me to expect the worst from everyone. Now much later in life it is very hard to undo and let my guard down.

So accepting people without judgement or prejudice, and finding some inner peace is a huge goal for me.