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Accepting its over

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • July 12, 2013 at 8:46 am #38485
    Matt
    Participant

    E,

    I’m sorry for the difficulty you’ve been experiencing, it can be confusing when we see someone who loved us move away physically or emotionally. I admire your courage and dedication, your willingness to work it out. Your heart seems very powerful!

    A teacher once told me that it isn’t the dedication that holds a union together, but two people sharing a compatible view. When we look at the world, our goals, our intentions, our emotions, do they match the same views of our partner? Where they are different, does it add strength to the intimacy or weaken it?

    It sounds like you became swept into the dream of a husband and wanted to stick it out despite many off-again on-again moments. He doesn’t seem to share that same vision. You noticed his unwillingness to communicate, and how both of you were holding back more and more. Those actions choke intimacy.

    Intimacy doesn’t have to be a struggle. It requires work and constancy, but with each blip that disrupts our openness we can grow closer. This requires communication and compromise. You sound willing, he does not. It doesn’t cheapen the moments that were amazing between you two, but it does indicate the intimacy has eroded.

    Perhaps as you move on, the learning you’ve been through will help you in the next connection. When we stay open, even when it hurts, the pain teaches us so much that our hearts learn and grow wise. When we stay open and it does not hurt, we are rewarded by a sacred union of beauty and oneness with our partner.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 12, 2013 at 10:01 am #38487
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    E,
    I am going through something very similar to what you went through. Its been two weeks that my guy ended it and my relationship is almost replica of yours without the ring.
    honestly, i am still struggling with it but i will tell you one thing, this experience has really taught me what true love means. I am learning to like/love myself now. I always went from relationships to relationships and gave in to the very aggressive men who were “in love” with me in days to our meeting. It really hurts to know that you were just a phase in their life but when you internalize those feelings, you will see that they were also just a phase in your life too. I have been reading a lot on this website and trying to meditate every morning to stop having dreams about him. I blamed myself for not ending my relationship when I knew it wasn’t going to work. on some level all of us know when its not working but we hang on because of our fear of being alone. I am trying to face my fears everyday and let myself be alone. I cry every morning and in the evening when i know its really over but I am trying to embrace that pain to give myself the respect I deserve to have tried as hard as i did.
    please give yourself some credit for trying again and fighting for what you want like a warrior. I believe in love and i will always hang on to that believe but for now, i want to be with me. I want to love me.

    please keep reading inspirational books and blogs to help you through this process. Read about the women who spent all their lives with people they didn’t even know. Read about people depriving themselves of love all their lives and thank god you didn’t marry that man.

    take care of yourself. you are not alone.

    Sapna

    July 13, 2013 at 4:25 am #38524
    E
    Participant

    Thank u guys for responding to my story. I guess I’m just having so much trouble accepting this break up since I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I have really put myself out there to try and show him that I care a lot and truly want to be with him. I’m just having trouble with the unanswered questions….lack of complete closure. He said we would talk in time but it seems like time is passing and he isnt looking to try and talk. The last time I went to look for him was at our work because I was returning some things that were left at my house….yes I know it was an excuse for me to talk to him. When he came out he had this look, I don’t know if it was anger, sadness, annoyed, or just like an “oh here she is again”. We started speaking and again he said he was not with anyone or looking and that he was going to focus on his son moving here since he felt he had neglected him over last couple of yrs…..he is a retired sgt from army. I also mentioned I was surprised he found apartment since he said he was moving back closer to where his kids were at, but he said they hadn’t called him back about a job. Anyway, a friend of his arrived and I took it as a cue to leave. As I walked away I felt like I needed to turn…I did. And he was still by door looking at me the whole way as I walked away…I guess the look he had on his face is what’s has left me wondering. It’s hard to forget when he was living with me and every inch of this house has a memory, my kids constantly ask for him…yeah unfortunately kids are involved, and every car that looks like his seems to be around city when I’m out. I’m even paranoid to go out to store for fear of running into him…he moved close to where I live so now I don’t even wanna leave house unless its for work, and even that is a bad thing since we work at the same place… I know I seem like a mess but I’m glad I found this safe place to vent. E

    July 13, 2013 at 11:53 pm #38559
    Allyson
    Participant

    Hey E. I really really recommend checking out Susan Elliot’s booking “Getting Past Your Breakup” and the adjacent blog. It has changed my entire life and made getting through my breakup so much easier. Specifically the article about Emotions of Grief after a Breakup. Also Natalie Lu’s Baggage Reclaim is an amazing blog. I used to lay in bed in the dark crying and found that reading these made me feel a lot less alone. A lot more connected. It reminded me that other people had felt the way I had and survived, that I probably could to.
    It helped me understand how I felt about the breakup and also how I felt about my ex (not how I thought I did, but how I actually did)
    I’m here if you need to talk, but in closing i REALLY REALLY REALLY recommend going No Contact with your ex, if that’s possible for you. This is the first breakup (and there have been several rough ones) I have ever managed to really go non-contact and it’s made it so so much easier. But I also know that it’s the hardest thing in the world. I have stumbled a few times.

    July 17, 2013 at 1:53 pm #38818
    E
    Participant

    Hi I was looking for the two bookings you mentioned but I did not see them…where exactly am I suppose to look? Is it in tiny Buddha or on another blog. Thanks

    July 17, 2013 at 1:57 pm #38819
    E
    Participant

    Sorry I was addressing the message to Allyson. I really appreciated the advice you posted several days ago and was interested in reading the essays you mentioned.

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