And to answerr your reflective questions: I want a life filled with fun/excitement, stimulation mental physical etc, closeness.connected ness, and purpose/direction

An I getting these now in my life, somewhat, sometimes. Yes and no. It’s never just black and white for me. She has her own personal journey and we made goals together to travel etc do fun stuff. When were not fighting and stuff everything’s awesome were in sync. I feel like the most important woman in the world. But my life lacks a lot to be honest. Friends, connections, expressive outlets, romance flirtation sex, direction, initiative.. I have so many goals dreams life purposes ambitions wishes hope ideas projects etc.. I even started a dream jar. A good feng shui tip too. And yes I know I am preventing myself from achieving my dreams, but secretly I feel I cannot creatively be me openly without shane or have initiative always concerning myself with another person. I miss my friend. I miss making my own little world. I miss blasting music and singing in the shower. I miss those moments. But when I think of us and the relationship we’ve built and are growing, I am happy and hopeful.. I left this bdsm tryst relationship thing to come back here to be with my wife.. She is more important at the end of the day.. And to Anbar the last, if we broke up I’m sure after a year I’d be okay, creating a new start. Buy I’d be haunted with the heartbreak and memories of a love I know I’d regret if I left. I know the feeling. I’ve had it several times before.. But I am hopeful and optimistic and cliche.. I believe in happy endings in everything always being okay and things working out for the best.. so if I stay, I can be hopeful and try to be more action oriented in my life and stand by my wife and support her, or I can forge my own path and see if I mass the ruby choice or the biggest mistake of a lifetime. Because knowing me, if I fund someone else, I will compare them and put them at a competition in a weird way, I know me. I attach and can never seem to let go completely fully. I am a nostalgic kind of girl… now what else can you gauge from all of this? Thanks again.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Cupocake.

Thanks so much. It is funny because I relation to the other girls, I notice I am the victim of a lot of mind control. I mean take for example I left before semi because of all of this, and when we started talking again.. She said all the right things, made all this sense. She’s very smart. And I felt my heart tugging to go back, completely glossing over the fact that I left in the first place and trying to assert myself. I have had talks with her. She said if I felt any bad feelings we should talk and can work on it. But slowly as time goes by I am noticing old patterns creep back in.. even though as a whole, in general, things aren’t so bad. So I feel justified staying

None of this is weird. You sound like a typical person in an abusive relationship. I think we’re past the stage of looking for red flags; you’re in abuse town. I’m sorry. It’s one of the worst places to live. But it’s up to you to rally your resources, your friends, everything you know and believe in, and work on getting out of there.

Every fight blind-sides you because she’s very good at the honeymoon stage: she makes you believe that the last time was really the last time and things are going to be different now and she loves you so much. But things haven’t changed. You are both trapped in this destructive pattern, and you won’t get out until you get out.

Please educate yourself on what intimate partner violence and emotional abuse is like, and what it feels like. And if you recognise yourself, and you will, have a think about whether you should be worried about whether you’re “justified” in staying, or whether you should be making escape plans. Of course you can rationalise and justify your decision to stay. If it was easy to leave abusive relationships, if it was obvious to recognise and get out from under the “mind control” it puts on you, no one would be in abusive relationships and the whole thing wouldn’t be an issue.

Listen to yourself. You’re the victim of mind control. You wish you could just have an evening with friends, but no. That’s not the kind of relationship you’re in. You feel like life is passing you by. You’ve given up on hobbies, on working, on your social life, on living your life in general. You feel like you’re under a spell. You know you should know better. You know the cycle of better, bad, better, bad isn’t going to end until you do something radical.

You say things aren’t so bad, in general, as a whole. Really? It sounds pretty bad to me. It sure doesn’t sound like something I’d want to put up with. Tell me, how bad do things need to get before you’ll want to get out? How much more of yourself are you willing to give away before you’ll realise it’s been enough?

It doesn’t matter if she loves you. It doesn’t matter if you love her. It doesn’t matter if the good times feel like good times. This relationship is bad for you. She is bad for you. Get out.

Get out get out get out get out.