Anita,

You really have a gift for seeing through situations – even at the time it did feel a bit like he felt he was “doing the right thing” so to speak, and quickly launching himself head first into the whole thing as a way to ‘get rid’ of any ‘negative’ feelings he may have been feeling – feelings associated with his love towards me. So thank you for talking me through this, it’s been really helpful and it makes a lot of sense.

What I meant by my last line was this: his email was technically a response to an email I sent to him 10 days previously in which I said I felt that there was more than what met the eye to what was going on. I, at the time, didn’t think his parents were arranging his marriage, but I did feel they were pressuring him into doing things he didn’t want to do – stay in his home country, do a career he didn’t want to do etc. So I said this in the email and added that I felt the ex was an escape route – a way for him to avoid facing up to what was going on. I also added that he hadn’t faced up to something that happened in his past (unrelated to the ex) – it was slightly irrelevant to the rest of the email, but also relevant, as I felt it was contributing to what was going on.

I said that if I was right in my way of thinking, to get in touch so we could sort things out. I also added, though, if I was completely off the mark, to leave me alone so that I could get on with my life. In other words, I didn’t want a response from him because his silence would have told me all that I needed to know, and I genuinely meant that. Had he not replied I would have taken it to mean he was doing what he wanted to do and that was the end of it.

Hence why I was extra upset that he felt the need to send that to me – in my eyes, no response would have been better, as I already told him I’d interpret that to meaning that I was wrong or that he was okay doing what he was doing at the time.

Does that make more sense?

Hello again,

So you feel that it was his way of putting a mental closure on the whole thing? And that part of him believed what he was actually writing at that time?

The funny part is, I saw their wedding photos a few months back. I always assumed I would go to pieces if I saw those photos, but I didn’t feel anything. They gave me no emotional reaction and I realised afterwards it’s because in all their photos they look…I’m not sure what the word is. Like friends, and not even close friends at that. There’s no emotional warmth between the two of them like you see in photos of some other couples.

I know you can only tell so much from photos, but I do know our photos looked different. My friend said he blossomed with me and now he looks broken and spaced out. Is it possible he’s just numbed himself and is going through the motions? I just don’t understand how he can live such a lie and not crack – how do people do that? Is it even possible to do that? To convince yourself that what you’re doing is the right thing even when in your heart you know it isn’t?

Anyway thank you, your words really did help – and it was nice to ‘relax into’ the fact he loved me. I’ve been in so much pain for the last 12 months and I have to say reading your words helped me release some of that because what you said really resonated with me.

Regarding a new partner, I haven’t even thought about it at this stage. I still haven’t got my life back on track so I cannot even bring myself to think about seeing someone else. I still need to find myself a place to live, decide where I want to live etc. I do worry about being in a relationship again because I do fear trust will be an issue – I never in a million years ever thought something as crazy as this would happen to me and I have to admit it’s scared me to a big degree. But I’m hoping that once everything else starts to fall into place again that it will be less of an issue – I guess I just have to play it by ear.

I won’t lie – I guess I won’t be able to ever fully understand it, as I’ve always been a person who lets my heart do the talking. I thought ‘head people’ were very much fictitious, because I cannot ever imagine making a sacrifice that big in my life. But I guess that’s naive of me – I can only speak for myself, as I only know how to experience life through my own eyes. My upbringing has shaped me the way I’m sure his upbringing has shaped him.

I think the issue here is that our relationship played out away from his home country, so I rarely ever got to see him interact in that setting. I spent a month there a couple of years back, and it was enough for me to see how much influence not only his immediate family has, but his extended – in particular his mother’s siblings. They all seem to work in sync with each other in order to influence and get their own way. They’re all very much in each other’s business, play the guilt card on a daily basis, and gossip about one another behind their backs.

Because I got to know my ex away from this, I didn’t see him in this dynamic. It’s only once I was there that I saw how it worked and how stressful it must be. When we were together, he’d Skype with his mum all the time, particularly towards the end of our relationship. And he’d always be down and moody when he finished talking to her, which was in contrast to the way he would be when me and him would finish Skyping with my family.

I am glad I got to visit as I got to see how it all worked and I can imagine how it all played out. The thing that pains me is how manipulative and two-faced his mother was. I thought she liked me, although I had proof that perhaps there was something not quite right there. She bare faced lied to me, which also hurts.

So while I do understand what you’re saying – how he’s numbing himself, and trying to convince himself that he’s done the right thing, I, as a heart person, find it so extremely difficult to believe someone can do something like that, let alone function relatively normally after doing so. If I were in his situation I’m sure I would have gone even more to pieces than I did when we broke up. Although my therapist explains this by saying that back him he had a lot to keep himself busy with – his decision, for one. The task of getting back on track with the career chosen for him, wedding preparations, the praise from everyone etc. But surely this will all end at some point? How do you then manage to live a life that was chosen for you without falling apart?

Is he just stronger than me? Or is it just another way of thinking?

Thanks Anita. I wish there were a search function for the forums as it’s difficult for me to locate the posts on arranged marriage that you’re referring to.

I know a certain amount about arranged marriages, but from my understanding a lot of them are put together for two individuals who are single and wanting to find someone their parents approve of. I don’t necessarily agree with the premise, but in these circumstances, when both parties are willing and don’t have emotional baggage from a recent relationship, I can see how they can agree to it, and I’m sure many of these unions to end up happy ones. But I guess I’ll never understand how someone who loves someone else can agree to leave that person to then marry someone they don’t love or even know properly.

I know it entails a lot of denial. I guess I never realised before to what extent people can go into denial in order to carry out something they’re not happy about doing.

Thanks Anita, I had a look – that’s a very sad story.

Maybe I simply have an idealistic view of what marriage is supposed to be like. And despite what was said and done in the end, I know what him and I had was special. So for him to ‘give me up’ and agree to marry someone else so quickly will never make much sense to me, even when I take the cultural differences into consideration.