Hello everyone

I am about to graduate from high school. I am very very confused and frustrated. So here below, I have to tell a long story.

Ever since I was five, I always recalled and remembered the times when my mom would say “why couldn’t you behave like other kids” and in a way, I felt she was ashamed of me. Both my mom and dad had to work extra hours to keep food on the table and give me and my sister a safe and comfortable life. Yet, from the time I was five to about fourteen years of age, my grandma took us from school and kept us companied and fed until my parents came back. I used to recall that everytime I visit my extended family such as my aunts and uncles on both sides of the family. I was always told I was the spoiled one and the one my parents should be ashamed of. Its a blessing to have a comfortable lifestyle but i just feel so empty and unloved and I don’t know why. I just had this feeling that my whole extended family and even my parents are against me or always look down upon me.

Even ever since I was five, I had a hard time just interacting with people in general i guess because I am awkward or weird. Friendships were hard for me to maintain i guess because I just either didn’t put the effort or something else. Some people claim I’m clingy and I just don’t know whats wrong with me. To this day, I still have the same problem and everytime i try to interact with people, it just seems like they brush me off.

Now that I am heading off to college, I just need some help. I plan to attend UCSB this fall and yet, i just don’t feel that it is right for me. When I interacted with the people, everyone just seemed clique-y like they are in high school again and I once again, feel isolated. Also, the cost is expensive though I managed to get some decent financial aid. Yet additionally, my parents have expectations that I will be a doctor and graduate with a Bachelors by the time I’m twenty one yet at the same time, I want to live and enjoy life where I could make life-long friendships and pursue happiness. Although I don’t know what I want to do, I know that I want to pursue something other than the medical field. Now, I’m just stuck in a HUGE pithole because if I don’t reach my parents expecations, my parents money will be wasted, my whole family will feel like I’m a disgrace and I will feel like I’m worthless. As well, all the classes that I wanted to consider at community college are already full and that would mean that I would have to “crash” those classes. And another thing is that my extended family looks down upon community college and I would be considered a failure. I don’t know what the heck I’m suppose to do anymore. All my life, I have lived with anxiety and fear of everyone and everything. I don’t want to fail my family, I just want to get along with people and I just want to feel like I’m worth something. At the same time, I would like to pursue happiness and do something that makes me happy. But I’m just sooo confused……