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A second revelation: alcohol

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  • #83572
    Brian
    Participant

    I think I have discussed my alcohol abuse on here before, but as a short background: I’ve gotten drunk 3 or 4 times nearly every week for probably 7 years (not counting the 5-month abstinence I had due to a life event). This past week I’ve not had a drop. This, combined with a steady regimen of meditation, mindfulness, breathing exercises (all these several times a day), and exercise multiple times a week has led to a strong revelation that might seem odd as a revelation, but it hit me in a wonderful way.

    It was basically this: “Wow. I know why people go out and do things now.” In other posts I’ve talked about hiding from life. Alcohol has helped me hide from life and not be mindful and stay stuck. I’m not drinking now, and doing all those skills…and then I saw a friend of mine on a social media website, out somewhere with her child. It struck me–*I* wanted to get out and do things! I haven’t had that yearning in a long time. The avoidance and the alcohol abuse kept actual living down.

    To give a structure of my days when I was drinking: each night I’d be relieved that I could get drunk so I could feel better…i.e. put down the loneliness and fear. I’d get extremely drunk, go to bed, wake up with a massive hangover and not want to do anything; then the following day I’d get drunk again, and the cycle would repeat. It was exhausting. And left no energy for growth.

    In a couple of my posts I’ve talked about apartment noise, and the extreme anxiety I felt. Alcohol does not help me cope with this, because I cannot escape in the way I’m used to: hiding in my apartment. Since the prompting event occurs right below my apartment, and I hear it (or feel it, due to thin walls), I cannot escape it. This has, it seems, turned out to be a blessing of sorts: it’s made me do the skills and quit drinking. The alternative was to stay anxious or even get worse.

    So I chose the skills regimen sans drinking. And while I’m a bit anxious right now, it’s nothing compared to how I was last week. I’ve progressed a tremendous amount in a pretty short period of time. I felt actually truly free and happy over the weekend, for the first time in maybe 15 years. It was amazing. This doesn’t mean that I won’t feel fear in the future–I’m sure I shall. But the future is the future, and I’m typing this now, and I know now that my practicing of the skills has gotten me to a much better place.

    So, this whole post is basically a celebration, and hopefully is an inspiration to others who are going through dark times. For those people: when I started this regimen (9/10/2015), it seemed like I had an insurmountable wall in front of me. It was totally sheer and vertical, no handholds. Now, a week later, the wall seems tilted back somewhat, in my favor. I’m finally realizing that, while I have fear, I don’t have to amplify it by ruminating. It felt so foreign and impossible, being in the moment. But, as someone who was just about *never* in the moment, I’ve had times in the past week where I was truly present, where I wasn’t beating myself down. And these times were glorious.

    May this provide hope for you.

    Thank you for reading.

    #83574
    jock
    Participant

    I’ve gone through periods when alcohol was my main addiction. I used it for a variety of reasons. one was to lose inhibitions in order to find it easier to talk to women. But also an anti-social phase, when I just wanted to numb the brain cells each night to stop that damned chatter in my head usually about those “awful” people at work and how dare they treat me so bad.
    But as you say the vicious cycle goes into gear.. Hangover, struggle to get out of bed. Get hungry, eat take away food. No nutritional awareness. Burgers and chips being the staple. So naturally increased waistline. Lethargy, no exercise, more negative self-talk and slowly but surely erosion of self-esteem to zero and anxiety levels going through the roof. I bet if someone did a graph to show correlation between high anxiety and low self-esteem , it would be quite revealing. Like the economist’s demand and supply curve?
    But alcohol is just another addiction. Well it was for me anyway. I was a serious gambler, a 40 pack a day smoker, 10 hour a day mah-jong player,a daily tramadol user. Not heavy drugs on that list I’m relieved to say but overall not a list to be proud of.
    Addictions are a part of life. Just make sure you have a relatively healthy one such as exercise or religion. Moderation is also another alternative which I have managed with alcohol now.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by jock.
    #83597
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brian:

    Thank you for your celebratory post! I like it. Finally your efforts paid off for a longer stretch of time than in the past. Remember this long stretch of time as testimony of the benefits of healing work and practice (may it go on and on…)

    anita

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