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A Prisoner in My Own Life

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  • August 19, 2015 at 10:44 am #82027
    Karen
    Participant

    I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. I’ve always been too busy listening to other people’s wants and expectations for me that my own voice has been drowned out. The things that I’ve always enjoyed are looked down upon by my family and social circle because they don’t believe I can create a career out of them. I enjoy cooking and baking very much, reading and writing as well, and creating artwork. Well, I used to enjoy these things. Lately, I’ve had no energy or desire to pursue my interests. Especially now that I no longer have a home of my own, I truly feel lost and confused.

    My boyfriend and I recently moved out of our apartment and into his parents’ basement in order to save money for a house. I didn’t want to do this but knew that it would be better for him (he had lived at home until he moved with me 2 years ago, whereas I have been living on my own since 18 years old – I’m 23, he is 24). I also don’t know if I even want to buy a house to begin with as I always wanted to live abroad again and not in the U.S. I know that if I stay with my boyfriend (who I love very dearly), I will be stuck here. Currently I feel that I have to sneak around just to get some privacy. I’ve been eating terribly because I’m too nervous to use a kitchen/equipment that isn’t mine. I appreciate that his parents welcomed me into their home but I still don’t want to be here… I’m a quiet, introverted person and not being able to be alone is tearing me apart. I’ve been crying every single day since we moved here and usually hide in the bathroom to do so.

    I also despise my job. I work as a supervisor in a doctor’s office and verify insurance all day long. I have to constantly manage irate patients and deal with condescending doctors and keep a smile on when all I want to do is run out the door… I worked up the courage to put in my notice yesterday and somehow agreed to staying a month longer than I wanted to so my manager can have time off. I’ve become such a push over and I used to think I was so strong… I can’t tell my parents because they will be disappointed that I left “such a good job.” Plus, I have no idea what I will do after this. I want to go back to school but don’t know where to start.

    I’ve become so withdrawn. I only have one friend in the area who I hardly see. It’s strange because I would love to have more close friends but I’m always too nervous or down to hang around other people. I can handle it at work or for short periods of time but I get exhausted quickly during these times. It’s kind of funny… when I’m alone, I feel lonely but when I’m with others, all I want is to be alone.

    Sorry, that was much longer than I meant it to be. Now that you know my situation, here are some questions I have: How do I stop trying to please others? How do I listen to my own voice when I don’t think I can even recognize it anymore? How do I become strong again? How can I meaningfully connect with others? How can I find happiness?

    August 19, 2015 at 11:06 am #82035
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Karen:

    You made the wrong for you choice to move into your bf’s parents’ basement. The choice made some intellectual sense, save money to buy a house, but it did not make good sense in that you don’t really want to buy a house and you need your privacy.

    You are suffering the consequences of making a bad-for-you choice. You compromised yourself way too much for your own good, in your living situation, at work and in your interactions with your parents.

    Extricate yourself, your self interest, your well being from the different messes, one mess at a time, one step at a time. I would start with moving out. Change only that thing: move out, live on your own or with your boyfriend. I would not change your job at the moment. Just the living situation. And then, take it from there.

    anita

    August 19, 2015 at 11:59 am #82043
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita hits the nail on the head.

    If it helps, I feel very similar to you.
    I’m in a job I hate too (Insurance) and I’m also very creative and very introverted.

    I know I’d feel the same if I were in the position you’ve agreed to be in.
    Right now, you need to take care of yourself or you’ll feel further depressed and out of control of your situation.

    I had a really bad depressive episode this afternoon after work until a little while ago, so maybe I’m not the ideal candidate to give out advice.

    However, I felt better after being open with my step-dad’s parents.
    I’d not seen them in about a year, as I usually hide when people I don’t see regularly are round.
    Especially when I don’t feel good about myself.
    I had a really shit day. Work is getting me down and sometimes I ask myself ‘What is the actual point, in anything?’
    It feels like life is too hard, the World is too broken and I’ll never fit in.

    But things are always changing.
    I think they can also remain the same, if we don’t take control.
    It’s easy to be a passenger and take zero action – and then wonder why things aren’t better.

    Power to you for leaving an environment that doesn’t work for you.
    This is an opportunity for something new, but unless you believe in yourself (easier said that done, when you’re feeling defeated), you’ll probably end up in the same position because I’ve left lame jobs before – quit without something else lined up.
    And here I am, in another job just like the one before – all because I needed money and my CV made getting another similar job easy.

    So I certainly don’t have the answers but … you do.
    It’s not working for you being at your boyfriends parents house.

    You have a choice now.

    You either carry on the way you are and feel exhausted keeping up an act.
    Or, you discuss with them that you’re an introvert and don’t want to come across as rude or ungrateful, but living in their house makes you uncomfortable and you NEED time to yourself, because that’s the way you’re built.
    The curse of the creative, I guess.
    Or, you leave the situation – up to you how you do that part.

    Anita has told you not to leave the job, but it’s clearly too late for that.
    No regrets though.
    Embrace your choices and make the best of what you’ve got yourself into.

    It’ll be a struggle, but that is life isn’t it?

    My number one piece of advice is to make YOU a priority.
    Take the time to be alone and be creative.

    Or cry, if it helps.
    But don’t let yourself feel self-pity over and over.
    It won’t change a thing.

    – Stefan

    August 19, 2015 at 12:21 pm #82050
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Karen,

    I can see how this is a tough time for you. Being an introvert and having to be around others all the time. The fact that you can’t have any privacy. Have you expressed your need for space with your boyfriend? In relationships, we sometimes have difficulty expressing our needs because we feel like it may be inconvenient for others or hurt them. In reality, it may even help your relationship to have more space. Both of you can grow separately and come together from time to time, especially because you live together. If he does not respect/accept this then he has some work to do on his own. He may not know what’s making you upset or what you need, it’s up to you to have your need met. As long as you do not ask for it, you will both be unhappy. I say this because you may unconsciously or even consciously behave in certain ways that show him you are angry, upset, or not very happy to spend time with him. The more you pull away, the closer he may come trying to figure out what’s wrong and the more “smothered” you may feel.

    How do I stop trying to please others?
    The best way to stop pleasing others is to be aware. Be aware that your needs are important for your well being and so that you can sustain healthy relationships. Be aware that if we keep getting our validation/love from the external environment by pleasing others, then we will be disappointed because things will not go our way all the time. When we please others in order for them to love/validate us, then we will become resentful when they don’t. Be aware of the underlying needs that you are trying to fulfill by pleasing others.

    How do I listen to my own voice when I don’t think I can even recognize it anymore?
    It seems as if you have a voice – this post. Maybe journaling about your thoughts/feelings will be helpful in making yourself more aware of your desires.

    How do I become strong again?
    You are strong. To speak up and challenge your own thoughts is to be strong and tackle conflicts head on. To become strong, maybe you just need to become more independent. Do things on your own, live on your own, cook/work on your own. When you can validate and accept yourself regardless of what others think, then nothing will be able to make you “weak” or dependent.

    How can I meaningfully connect with others?
    I am not sure what “meaningful connection” means to you. What do you think? What do you want in friendships/relationships? What do those look like?

    How can I find happiness?
    Put yourself first.

    Here are some articles on people pleasing that may help:

    A Simple Guide to Being Yourself Instead of People Pleasing

    A Powerful Guide for People-Pleasers (and a Giveaway!)

    Saying Yes When We Mean No: How to Break the Habit

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Annie.
    August 3, 2017 at 8:52 am #161784
    Linda
    Participant

    Hi

    It is exactly my words too when I’m alone, I feel lonely but when I’m with others, all I want is to be alone. A Prisoner in My Own Life” well said Karen. I’m 35 years old . been married for 20 years and my only son is 8 year-old. yes I was 14 arranged marriage the only way to come to America. finished my high school, bachelor in design and currently working on my MBA here in U.S . love to paint and color. The artistic imagination visionary skill is part of me. I always helped my husband at his auto dealership after school. his family are my blood family too. they are very hard people to talk or even deal with in general. they are so out, very traditional and think they still living back home still haven’t and never will be adjusted to western culture. my husband was always against me to continue education or even working with others for what I always liked  fashion, design, art and make up. I never have work experience I applied for jobs but I think because I don’t have any work experience for my major or something that I always liked to work I never got excepted any jobs offer. my 20 s past just to be a house wife. After having  a lots of complications to get pregnant with my miracle son life opened my eyes in different angles I expect more from life, I looked at my self as a beautiful young educated wife that had never dated anybody in her life except my husband I’m started to be more curious about others living a life differently, honestly social medias also helped me a lot that I can have a better look in life . I shouldn’t stick to my husband and his family problems, stresses and dramas everyday. I deserve a better life. I feel like I’m in the cage everyday learned how to fly but doors are locked on her to fly to try. . I’m a survivor . that pregnancy made me so strong and tough, but lately I been feeling weak, lost alone, disconnect and depress. I started my online MBA recently to make my mind occupy and don’t think too much. there are some family issues going on from my husband’s dad is very ill with cancer and on the other hand my sister has some personal issue and depression and stress in her life with her husband  that affected mine too every day for last 8 months. I’m so overwhelmed with depression from family  . His dealership is not doing good either. so financial problem that we are facing is hard because I haven’t suffered financially for long time so its hard to digest.  I’m trying to get my real estate license to secretly working that hopefully my husband wont find out. and focus to finish my master by next year. I’m confused all I know I’m not happy everyday. even though I always thank god  for my son  and my husband are healthy I’m healthy what else do I want!! sorry for grammar error and twisted sentences.

     

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