Dear ,
I am sending this to you as a way of trying to work through the issues that I am having right now. It is for me a way to start the healing process and to move on. Its also sort of a way for me to document what I am going through right now for you and for me. Writing these things out helps me to better identify what is really going on. I don’t expect an answer and to be honest I’m really afraid one too.
I know I put a lot of pressure on you to fix me and that is not ok. I’m sorry. I am having a very difficult time right now to the point of I have had a complete and total melt down- I guess in professional talk it would be a nervous breakdown.
I am definitely beating myself up over this with every little detail from both our sides, however since I am in the position I am in now I am beating my side up more.
I realize that I put a l lot of burden on you, I realize that I was looking to you to make me happy, to take care of me, to fix everything and to allow me to continue living life in a not so good way as you were there to catch me. This is not ok. You are not responsible for my happiness or emotional well being. A relationship has 2 sides and I know that I was only looking at my side. I felt like you needed my help too and I was unable to give it to you and was just adding to your already full plate.
I have always admired your sense of realism and it has helped to balance me out sometimes. I may not have liked to hear what you had to say but it was real and came from a place of maturity and knowledge. Something I am still working on as I go through life. I don’t have the experience and or years under my belt to be able to come up with the answers quite as easily as you can yet.
I also don’t have the strength to become a robot or to compartmentalize my emotions the way that you do. I let my emotions get the best of me and cloud my judgment of everything else. I let it consume me to the point that i can’t see past it. It is not good and I am desperately trying to change that.
What hurts the most right now is the way it was left. I had already had the rug pulled out from under me and was in a very dark place and then you left too. No word no warning no nothing- just nothing. I am agonizing over why although I do understand that the 2 of us have had a very bumpy relationship and you very well could be fed up with my drama. I do understand that. I do feel though that this was some type of mental pay back. It went down exactly like it did when I broke up with you although mine was not done with malicious intent. I was truly in a bad place with myself as I still am which would explain my current melt down status. I have never addressed my real issues but chose instead to ignore them and keep going on pushing it all deep down and trying to forget about it.
I have a hard time letting go of the past. In many way I blame you for a lot of things which is not fair. There are things that you have done that have hurt me immensely too throughout our 3 year off and on relationship but I also know I am not owning up to my part either. Its easier to blame someone else than to have to look inside your self to see what it is you are doing wrong. Its even harder to admit it.
The off and on of us has definitely taken its toll. It has always made me completely mental, I can’t figure out if this is because we have a true deep down love or because I rely on you too much to make everything better. I’d like to think its both but can’t figure out why 2 people who love each other so much are also capable of hurting each other so much too.
I’m in a lot of pain right now. its hard for me to breath let alone see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I need to change I know I need to grow up. I also know that I need to heal. Life has thrown some lemon’s my way and I can’t seem to bring myself to make lemonade out of them just yet. I also am taking all the blame on myself too and constantly beating myself up.
I am having to come to terms with a lot of issues I am having and coping with who I am or though I was and who I though I was supposed to be or what I’m supposed to be. Its not an easy journey to have to look inside your self and really embrace your mistakes and shortcomings and own up to them. Its hard as shit and very draining physically and emotionally. I have been doing a lot of research on this to try and help me through and I know that I have to let this go. You may never speak to me again or give me answers or be there for me and I have to accept that. I can’t control you or your behavior no matter how much I want to. I put unrealistic expectations on you and us and again that is not ok.
I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you to have to try to deal with me in this state. That is why I am trying to change. Not change who I am to conform to others but to be able to be a better person for myself and those around me. I just feel like shouting over and over again i’m sorry. I’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. I want to shout it at the top of my lungs- i’m sorry to you, i’m sorry to me. i’m sorry to Aden, I’m sorry. I can’t seem to say it enough but can’t find the mental power to accept it or to let things go. Its a heavy weight on my chest that has rendered me completely helpless and afraid.
I know that i have had melt downs before and you have allowed me to and always came back. I guess i felt that i could keep getting away with this behavior and that it was ok and you would always be there to pick up the pieces. Again that is completely unfair to you and i should never have put you in that position.
From all that I have read I know this is a life changing journey that I am on. It takes a big fall to hit rock bottom and an even bigger step to get back up. I have never had this happen before. I feel completely incapacitated. Like the world is crowding in around me and I can’t breath. Its very scary. Every thing tells me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. that this emotional trip will have a happy ending and I will be stronger for it. Right now though as I am in the thick of it I am having a hard time seeing that light.
I wonder about you. Are you ok- are you handling this well- do you care- are you sad- have you completely shut down and feel nothing. I tried that- I tried pushing my true emotions so far down that they ended up erupting like a volcano and burning everything in its wake.
Now that I can take a small step back and look at things I can see that this has been coming for a while. I know that I had been telling you I was not happy which was part of why I had to let you go months ago- I just had no idea how unhappy I was. Again I was blaming you for a lot of things which meant that I was not opening up to the fact that a lot of it was me.
I’m just so angry. Angry at myself and the world and everything in it. I put unrealistic standards on everything and then get mad when it does not go the way that I want it to. that is my issue that I am also trying to work on right now. Why am I so angry- I know it has to do with me and not anything or anyone else. I am angry because I feel like I have screwed up all over the place. I’m angry because I feel like I have failed, i’m angry because life is not turning out the way that I had imagined it. I’m angry because I can’t let go of the anger. I was so angry in fact that the other night when it all came crashing in around me I drank margaritas to ease the pain with out having eaten any thing and ended up breaking nearly half the dishes in my kitchen out of anger. I had such a melt down i can’t even remember what happened. I had to let it out. You too were on the receiving end of that. I was angry at you for not making it all better right then and there for not taking the pain away for not picking me up off the floor cradling me and telling me its all going to be ok.
That is not your job to do. I have to do that within me. Again I’m sorry for putting that on you. I know you didn’t realize it or know that I was placing all my hopes and dreams on you and that is not fair to either of us.
I have to get this out and I’m sorry to again burden you with this. To me its my form of trying to gain forgiveness not only from you but to me as well. I can’t move forward until I understand why its all happening and what my part in it all is. I have to be able to get through this myself no matter how painful it is.
Right now I am just mentally stuck. I have all these feelings and emotions inside me that I know I have to come to terms with and It’s the scariest thing I have ever been through. It’s literally eating me up inside. Its burning up all my energy and making me feel completely incapacitated.
I do have moments of clarity- I put on a brave face for Aden and get through the night with her as best I can. I hide my emotions from her so that she does not know how badly I am suffering right now. That is too much for any child to have to put up with.
I do what I need to do to get through the day. I put small tasks on my plate to get through them- wash the dishes- may seem like a small task but when you have no energy and feel at a complete loss its a big deal. I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep but that eludes me too. I can’t sleep. I also know that I can’t give up. I have to survive not only for me but for Aden. I have no choice. Life moves on around me. People get up and go to work and have no idea what is happening behind my closed door, nor should they. I can’t expect that everyone drop what they are doing to take care of me when really I need to take care of myself. Something I am finding very difficult to do right now.
I do not expect you to comment on this or to come to my rescue or to tell me its all going to be ok. I expect your not going to say anything at all. That, while very hurtful, is also something that perhaps is what is needed. To have you in my life gives me a false sense of security because I rely on you too much to make it all disappear without addressing it. I am purging my soul here because I have to. I have to move on I have to forgive I have to be better. I am doing that by getting this all out. I don’t even have this email addressed to you. I have it addressed to me as that is the person I need to forgive the most. It is a wise idea for me to write this all out and then sit on it for a day and really think about what good it may or may not do to send it.
I want you to understand what I am going through. I want you to know how I am feeling and what I have done to you. I need you to know and understand. As I said though it is not within you to fix this.
I’m scared to send this too. I’m scared that you won’t reply, i’m scared that you will. i’m scared that I ruined a friendship i’m scared that I hurt you- too many times. I’m scared that I hurt me- too many times. I’m scared all over the place. I’m scared that I am again putting unrealistic expectations on life and scared that when it does not go my way again I will have another melt down. Being this scared is not a good feeling. Its horrible. Its debilitating. its immense pressure.
Now that I have purged this out of my system I hope that you are doing ok. I hope that life is treating you well and you are happy. That is what I want most of all is for you to be happy. If that means you need to have me out of your life then I have to come to terms with that and realize that its ok. I know I have done damage. I know a lot of things but not enough right now to pull myself up.
You are the only person I have told all this too. You really are the only person I want to tell all this to right now. I can’t seem to bring myself to reach out to anyone for help even though I know I need it right now. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to suffer anymore than is usual for any person to suffer. Of course I know that life is full of disappointments and suffering I just need to figure out how to better handle that. To separate my emotions from the realities. To keep a level head when I feel like I’m going to explode.
The funny thing is I thought I was doing that. I thought I was on a good path I though I was doing ok. I thought i had a handle on things and my emotions. I thought wrong. its not ok for me to overreact with my feelings its very selfish. I have to gain the ability to control what I can control and let go of what I can not.
The life that I was leading was not the one apparently that I am meant to lead. Its very scary to come to that conclusion. To really realize that i was drowning in my own fear of what i thought was expected of me. I put those pressures on myself and i’m not even sure where they came from. grow up, get a good job, get married, have children then life will all be ok. That’s the American dream isn’t it. i didn’t necessarily do things in that order and at one time i was ok with it but lurking deep inside me was the idea that, that is what i needed to be happy. I needed someone else to take the reigns to live my life to make me happy to make the decisions. that is not realistic. its not fair and its not helpful to anyone.
I can see that looking back i have only damaged myself by giving into these unreasonable expectations. i want someone to have control and at the same time i fight anyone or anything that tries to control me. I fight people who are trying to help me understand all this. i realize thatI hear only what i want to hear. I didn’t want to hear the truth i didn’t want to have to grow up and face responsibility. i didn’t want any thing but to be happy. And with in that i was not happy. I’m sorry if i keep saying the same things too. Like i said i’m not even sure if I’m going to send this to you.
I keep going back and rereading this as i know that my answers are here on this page. I am feeling a little better by having written this even if it never comes to anything. I have failed you on all this but worse i have failed myself. i have let myself down and allowed myself to get to a state of such disarray that i can’t even see straight.
I feel like even now i am putting the pressure on you and i am truly not trying to do that. I guess i just felt the need to get some closure or at least try to explain to you what has been going on with me. I’m sorry if that is selfish and puts you in a bad position. i just really need to get this out of my head in order to move on.