Dear @hmvg,

I commend you for being able to be so open, vulnerable, and honest in your writing. I too am going through a recent break-up (5 weeks ago), and I too wanted to write a letter to let this guy know how hurt I am (was), and I wanted him to understand the implications of his abrupt departure. [Side note: I also posted a thread about potentially writing the letter, but I felt so embarrassed that I took it down because I realized I had the answers in me all along, and I chose to make zero contact.]
Much like yours, it was like having a rug pulled beneath me. Though, in being honest with myself, I would be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming. It was coming alright. I knew we had grown apart and I knew that he used me as a source of happiness and escape from his dark and miserable condition. and in turn, I used him as a source of validation and the kind of person I am, I like to feel like I am wanted, appreciated, (though, who doesn’t like to be appreciated.) Nevertheless, I was too accommodating to him and to his commitment-phobia… still I mistreated myself and my heart in the process. I put his needs above my own. I know that now, and I am better because of that. Though I am learning and I am working on my wellness and my sanity throughout this process. After nights of crying and wallowing, I can say with much self-respect and pride that I have not cried or felt so low in the last 8 days, (it’s definitely progress for me) though, If I do end up having a crying bout or a feeling of sorrow, I will just feel it out and let is pass. After all, we are human beings, and we are sensitive. My point of sharing my own experience is to let you know that you are not alone, and although you may not see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am here to tell you that there is no light at the end of the tunnel YOU ARE THAT LIGHT…. It is within YOU! Don’t put yourself in a tunnel, be your own source of happiness and your own light. I know that the repeated advice is for one to work on themselves during a breakup/heartache/heartbreak, but it is true. If it’s one thing I have learned from good men out there is that they want a partner who is self-aware, self-assured, and confident. Yes, it is wonderful to be vulnerable with your partner when you reach that level, but that vulnerability ought not be confused with emotional dependency. It is a fine line and I think a lot of people confuse the two.

If you are going to send him this letter, consider the following:

Can you move on without having to send him this letter?

You say you don’t want a reaction/response, but your letter is very emotion-filled, how could you not warrant a response?

Do you want hime to sympathize with your pain? Think of how he left you so abruptly. Does he deserve to even have contact with you?

Lastly, be gentle with yourself. You keep blaming yourself for the ended relationship, and you are not leaving room for him to own up to his role in this. Relationships are HARD and they require work on both ends. This was not your “fault”.
You seem like a wonderful person who just needs to love herself a bit more, and I am certain that you are worthy of the love that you desire, you are worth it. The self-love and sense of awareness is not so that you replace the love you deserve from a partner, but rather, for you to understand and truly believe that you deserve better, and to remove yourself from situations that do not agree with what you deserve.

I wish you much love and healing on your journey. I am on it too, and I am doing so much better, better than I could have imagined, and it is because of what I just told you.

I am going to share one of the best thoughts that have helped me:

“I wish i could show you that when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being” – Hafiz

@hmvg,

I totally understand your needing to send that out. I hope you feel a weight lifted. I am glad you are on your way to healing. Now focus on getting that heart right, your mind right, and you will feel so much better in due time. Now is the perfect opportunity for you to think carefully about what you want for yourself, you have a fresh start, don’t let that progress go to waste. You got this!

I read this and realize that I’m going through the same thing. My back story though is a little different. I met him through tinder and at the time my mom, brother and I were going through a hard time. Don’t get me wrong. I loved him and very much still do love him, but here’s my story. Met through tinder and I fell in love with him within three days. Sounds stupid, and I know it was just words but to me they were emore than just words. His words held promises and finality in them. On the fifth day he said I love you and that was while he was emailing me, and messaging me through Facebook because he was underway. He always found time to message me in the morning, throughout the day and at night. He was perfectly imperfect. Met him about a month later and I knew then that I didn’t want to spend my life with anyone else, but him. We made plans to get married. Decided on starting on having a baby. Nothing could bring me down. Until my family got an eviction notice, and everything felt like it was falling apart. He was there. He held me when I cried. Took me away for a few days to just be happy spend with him. He was my source of happiness. He helped with bills, and yeah that was a plus, but it was him being a shoulder to cry on to tell everything too. He became my best friend. About three months in he had to leave for deployment and I didn’t have my best friend beside me. I knew what his job entailed, and I just wanted him to make sure he comes back home safely to me. So for a while my mom, brother and I stayed at different people’s houses, and even stayed at a hotel for a month .I never disclosed to him what was going on because he was fighting for our country and what I was going through seemed not as significant. With mom making little income and me too at times we had to rely on his income, and it was hard because at the end he would give to us and not have enough for him, and that was so selfish of me to even let him do that. He had decided that him and I should move in together and I wanted that. Not because of the stability, but because i loved him more than I had loved anyone else in this world. I found out I was pregnant and that they wanted me to terminate it because the baby wouldn’t survive, but I kept my baby until two weeks later I had a miscarriage. I never let on to him that I was pregnant or what I was going through because again he needed to focus and not worry if I could or couldn’t take care of myself while he’s gone. When I finally did tell him three months before he came back that started the demise of our relationship. He was furious that I didn’t tell him that we were homeless, and most importantly furious that I didn’t communicate with him about my miscarriage. He had every right to be. I don’t blame him. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was pushing him away. He deserved better than that. He came back to his and I new place and I thought wveeveryth was good. For two weeks while he was on leave  we stayed by each other’s side, and loved on each other. Deciding to make another baby. Twister? My mom and brother moved in with us because they had no where to go. I knew how he felt about family moving in with us, but how could I say no to the person who gave me life and raised me the best she could as a single mother? I took me a whole to see how selfish and inconsiderate I was towards him and his feelings and this too left to the end of our relationship, but it was things that built up over time. In a sense he was taking care of me, my brother and mom. That wasn’t his job and I shouldn’t have never allowed him to do that. He gave me signs that he wasn’t happy and he wanted things to change, but I wanted things my way, and now that he’s gone and now that I had our daughter and she’s gone and by gone my daughter died. I just wish I did things differently .While he does have his share of why our relationship is no more. I feel as though I’m the main cause. Though, to be fair during my whole second pregnancy he decided not to be involved, and he pushed me away when our daughter needed him the most. Even when she was born he never once came to see her, and I blame him, but I blame myself too. Was I really that unbearable that he can’t be around his own child? Am I a terrible person? I mean I texted him, called and even called his ship, but he refused them all. That hurt a lot too. I want to hate him, and I want to scream at him, but all I feel towards him is undeniable love. Wanting us to try and make things right. Don’t we owe it to our daughter to try? I don’t know. I let him carry my burdens from the beginning not realizing he needed me too. I’ll forever be sorry that I didn’t see that sooner. Maybe if I did I would still be cuddle up to and sleeping next to the man I love every night. Maybe we would be married by now. I guess I’ll never know. I hope one day our paths will cross again and we can start over and be what each other needs and wants.