When I look at pictures of myself before the age of 5, I can see the love in my eyes and in my spirit. I can remember waking up early and running into my parents room to dive under the covers to snuggle with my father. It was the safest most loving place that I can remember. Even now, 50 years later I can close my eyes and go there and even remember how he smelled. But when I look at pictures of me after 5, all that is gone. No longer is my spirit shining or my eyes sparkling.
At age five my parent’s relationship began to erode due to my mother’s alcoholism. The snuggling in bed with my father ended. My mother no longer slept in the bed with my father. She would pass out downstairs on the couch. She stopped taking care of herself. My parents no longer really talked accept when arguing. It was like they were roommates that really didn’t like each other. My family lived like this for another 10 years. We no longer eat together at the kitchen table. We became a group of individuals, not a family. Every man for themselves and may the best man win. My sisters, brother and myself started competing for what little attention that was available. Who ever could juggle the most balls or tap danced the fastest won. Also at this time I was sexually abused by my mother.
Addictive Behavior pioneer Earnie Larson says “What you live with you learn, what you learn you practice, what you practice you become and what you become has consequences”. What I learned about love, caring and acceptance was greatly skewed. I learned that those things were not given, they had to be earned. It was all about what you could do for someone and not about who you were. That in order to earn love, caring and acceptance from people you had to do the work. The work was figuring out who and what you needed to be for each person in your life and to be that for them. In living my life that way I lost my identity. I had shifted who I was so many times for so long that I couldn’t find my way back.
I did not learn how to live because my parents who were my first and main teacher became unavailable to me. I understand today that the both were living in their own hell and grew up in the same environment they provided for me. With that said, the fact remains that I had no role models, no guidance and ultimately no love.
I eventually could no longer take the pain, rejection, abandonment and wounding, so I put my heart in an impregnable vault and buried it as deep as I could. I then began a downward decent into drug addiction to try to forget it all. And that worked for a while, I even had some fun. But it did not last. I ended up jobless, almost homeless and estranged from my family and friends.
A few months before my 30th birthday, my mother and a friend took me to rehab. Thus begins my journey to reclaim love. I began to attend a 12 step fellowship where people I didn’t know reach out to me with hugs and helping hands. They understood me and knew what I need, which was great because I didn’t have a clue. They said that they would help me stay clean and teach me a new way to live. I had been looking for and wanting for someone to teach me how to live for as long as I could remember. I learned how to be a friend and have a friend. I began building relationships that weren’t built on lies and manipulation. I learned to be responsible, have integrity and to stand for something. They taught me the Spiritual Principles of compassion, empathy and self-less service. That 90% of being there for someone was just showing up. And most important; that the most healing part of love lied in its action.
My life was really beginning to turn around and I entered collage to earn a degree. I really thought that I was on my way and I was, just not I had planned it. You see, I had forgotten all about all that hurt and pain that I had buried in that vault along with my heart. At 18 months clean, without the drugs to hold it a bay anymore, the dam broke and it all came flooding back. I was curled up on my couch in the fetal position being torn apart by emotional and spiritual pain like had never felt in my life. Getting high was still my best coping mechanism and the only two choices I had was to get high of kill myself. It could only have been God that gave me the strength to pick up the phone and call my sponsor. Having all ready done the work I was going to begin, he directed me to an Adult Child of an Alcoholic therapy group and individual counseling. Once again I had been led to an amazing group of people that understood me and could help me. They lovingly helped me find that vault, bring it to the surface and to open it slowly at my pace. I then began process of healing all the pain and hurt I had locked away so long ago.

I have been blessed with the people with the skills, abilities and love in their heart to guide, challenge, confront and love me through the healing process. But most of all, I have been blessed with the love of self that has fueled the willingness to do the work in order to heal. May you blessed in these ways also!
Blessed Be
Healing Bear