Dear nycartist:

I am glad you had a happy, special day yesterday and I hope today is a good day for you as well. It seems to me that you were so happy to see your mother and daughter appear to have the special, trouble-free, simple bond that you did not have with your mother.

As an only child to your mother, seems to me (based on your previous threads) that for the longest time you experienced your mother being unhappy, mistreated, being the less-fortunate-one, and disabled from one point on. You had lots of empathy for her and you tried to protect her from those who mistreated her (even before at 28, you took on the very difficult 7.5-year-job of protecting her from her very aggressive, greedy brother).

I think that this family role (to protect your mother) was your role when you were too young , a burden that was too heavy and too complex, for how is a child to “keep peace in the family”?

Seems to me that this burden is responsible for much of your anxiety around conflicts with people: being afraid of people even when they are not dangerous to you; afraid to speak your mind, afraid of how people will turn against you and hurt you badly,  if you do speak  your mind, tip toeing around people.

If I am correct, and you want to explore this further, let me know.

anita

Dear nycartist:

I am looking forward to read and reply yo you when I am back to the computer, in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear nycartist:

This will be a very long post, so take your time reading it, part by part, don’t rush. Read it over days if you need to:

Here are simple online definition: War- “an active struggle between competing entities”; Warrior (which has the word war in it): “a person who fights in battles and is known for having courage and skill”; Courage: “the ability to do something that frightens one”.

You asked me: “Do you have any tips that you’ve learned on how to become an adult warrior?”- in the definition of warrior there are two requirements: courage and skill.

Regarding skill: if you google “assertiveness skills”, you will find page after page of resources, included exercises, worksheets and youtube videos, most if not all are free of charge. Because you are attending therapy, you can practice assertiveness skills with your therapist, with her guidance. If you describe this or that situation to me in specific, relevant details, I will probably be able to suggest to you an assertive approach to that specific situation.

Regarding courage: to put assertiveness skills into practice you have to be able to behave in ways that scare you. To be able to do so, your fear needs to lessen, so that it does not overwhelm you and disable you.

There are plenty of ways to relax, and plenty of online free resources on this matter as well, page after page, if you google “relaxation techniques”, including handouts and exercises. If you google “guided meditations for relaxation”, you will find plenty.

Here on your thread, I offer you the following: what fuels and maintains excess fear when no real and present danger exists, is a misunderstanding of what is real/ of reality (the reality of the past and of the present).

When over time, you examine your view of your past and of the people in your past, the people who shaped you, and change your thoughts and beliefs from wishful/ make-believe to what is real, your fear will lessen and lessen. Warning: when faced with a painful reality as-is, we tend to reject seeing it as-is, no matter how true, and no matter how helpful for us it would be to face it.

This is what you wrote about your state of fear and courage: “I am so afraid of making someone angry. I’ve compromised myself in so many ways just to avoid conflict… in truth I’m so weak and timid because of this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life and cast me aside. It’s something I’m struggling with very much”.

I will now rewrite what you shared about your family of origin and add my comments, italicized. Once in a while I will add an “*” with a question. These questions are not necessarily for you to answer here on this thread, or here at this point (it is up to you). I bring these up to you for your consideration.

You described your family of origin as “a very toxic and broken family”. You described your relationship with your mother as “a complicated relationship” that is “in a very good place the past few years”, meaning it was not in a very good place before.

In your original post you shared that you were thrilled to see that your daughter “finally bonded with my mom!!.. the two of them were just talking, and walking.. as if they were old buddies, so comfortable”- to me, it means that when you were a child/ growing up, your relationship with your mother was not comfortable, not easy, and you did not feel bonded with your own mother. You wrote that to watch your mother and daughter together “filled my heart so much”- meaning that your heart growing up was empty, that you desired so much to be comfortably bonded with your mother, a desire unfulfilled.

You wrote about your daughter: “she has finally bonded with my mom!!.. to see this new connection of love forming makes my heart so happy”- this is you vicariously living the experience through your daughter, finally feeling bonded, comfortable and happy with your mother! You were very sad, as a child, to not have that “connection of love” with your mother.

“my mom has been through a LOT in life… I have been through a lot in my childhood and young adulthood”- your empathy is primarily with your mother for going through a “LOT”, not for yourself, for going through “a lot”. 

* “My mom is both my rock and also someone who has exposed me to a LOT of pain”- a rock can be a solid foundation for a person to stand on, strong, unchanging. But it can also be a weapon that causes a lot of pain. The same rock cannot be both, can it (?)

“My mom is finally free, and it’s transformed her into the person I always wanted her to be”- for what seems like eternity (“always”) she was not whom you needed her to  be.

* “I can’t be mad at her for the past”- but you were angry at her, and still (?)

* “I forgive her for everything because she deserved so much better from people in her life”- but she received so much  good in her life- from you. From the very beginning she received your total love and devotion. Did she appreciate it (?)

* How much of yourself and the truth do you compromise in that generous forgiveness-for-everything(?)

* “I am so  afraid of making someone angry. I’ve compromised myself in so many ways just to avoid conflict”- what happened when as a child you made your mother angry, and how did you compromise yourself to avoid conflict with her (?)

“this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life and cast me aside.. the fear of losing people”- as a child, did your mother cut you out of her life emotionally, angrily when she was displeased with you; did you lose her when she was displeased with you (?)

About your husband, you wrote: “He can’t understand why I refuse to let go of some friendships or even family relationships that are definitely toxic”- my answer: because a child doesn’t have that option, to let go of a toxic parent/ uncle. When as an adult, you remain a scared child inside, “so weak and timid”, you remain stuck in the belief: I don’t have a choice, I have to make due with the only adults I have in my life (parent, uncle, friends, etc.)

* “I’ve been so  programmed to be a people pleaser and it’s quite literally sickening when I think of someone being ‘displeased’ with me”- who programmed you, as a child, to be a people pleaser, and how; what kind of displeasure expressed to you,  literally sickened you (?)

* You mentioned a father and a step father, not having a healthy relationship with either one. Regarding your father, you wrote: “My parents divorced when I was 2 and I’d see him on the weekends. I was abused by him and he was very manipulative and convinced me not to say anything until I was a teenager… I haven’t seen him since I was 13”- do you mean that he abused you sexually, did your mother know.. ((?)).

anita