Ke,

There does seem to be a lot going on, and it is natural and normal to feel confused about what to do with the unknown. You said you’ve been diagnosed as having BPD, was that clinical? Do you have a treatment regimen that you’re following? Do you make space to accommodate as best you can the tendencies of your mind and emotions?

Its plausible that your ex is responding to you as though he is being emotionally abused, and you are the abuser. Of course that’s not your intention, but with wild swings, being cold, expecting him read your mind… that’s a lot to put on an intimacy. Have you been working with your doctor to develop coping mechanisms for your difficulties? It is one thing to accept you are afflicted with a certain tendency, and quite another to to just expect others to accommodate them. It leads to a lot of imbalance.

For instance, if we are a great cuddler but a not so great communicator, then the cuddling needs are met well in the intimacy but the communication needs are not. So we cuddle over and over, and don’t communicate as much. This works for awhile, but eventually the unsaid things on both sides interrupt the joy of cuddling… there just too much sitting between us in the mind for the closeness of bodies to be relaxing and warming. Lasting intimacy has to address all of the main needs the partners have.

Another thing that I wondered about is the way perhaps you’re placing responsibility for certain difficulties in the relationship on his shoulders unfairly. If, for instance, you blow up at him when he tells you a difficult truth, and never give his heart space to express and be real, then of course he is going to lie to you. Not only have you shown him it is not safe to be himself, but that being himself is toxic. He sounds like he has a lot of empathy, which makes outbursts especially painful. This would only be compounded by the fact that he is grieving his father, and feels additional guilt and sorrow for being preoccupied by the relationship during his father’s passing.

That being said, there is, of course, a delicate and gentle heart within you that is looking for your path toward joy. Considering the difficulties you’ve mentioned (and the past you’re carrying around, that you can talk about if you wish/when you’re ready) it is not surprising that some things are more difficult. You’ve had to fight to be heard, seen, felt, and so you sing loud and strong. This is vibrant and beautiful when the emotions are stable and you sing from the heart. Of course, when you’re a little wound or have a wound, that vibrancy is painful and unsettling to you and others. This can be very isolating, and often produce waves of loneliness. If you have those, I am very sorry, because I know how painful they can be… my heart goes out to you.

To help with the stability of mind and emotion, consider doing some metta meditation. There are a couple different kinds out there, and my guess is your cycles will be more affected by ones that involve repetition of words such as the following. It helps thoughts dig deep into the subconscious and helps calm the outbursts, letting the mind be more gentle and smooth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

With warmth,
Matt