Anita,

You asked : “Can you imagine, Mina, that what your mother taught you is not completely true?”

I agree with this statement. The thing is, most of the remarks that my mother made – in a sense was proven to be true.

For example, my mother has a good friend, they have been friends since my mother was pregnant with me so they went a way back. This particular friend of my mother married the “wrong person” according to my mother. The friend married someone financially unstable, I remember very vividly my mother telling me at that time when I was quite young around 10 or 11 years old that her friend is suffering because of this. My mother told me how her friends family had warned her NOT to marry this guy yet my mothers friend did not listened and went through with the marriage. Well, the friend has 3 kids now and had to worked her ass off for her family to eat. She loves to shop and travel, and there was an occasion when I travelled with her and it was so sad to see her hiding her expensive handbags from her husband because he does not agree with her buying bags. I do not want to imagine having to do that with my future husband. The friend also had to have her third child not on a hospital but on a small clinic because she lacked money. My mother told me that the moral of the story is to listen to your parents when it comes to partners.

I still have quite a few scary stories that my mother told me, that are definitely proven to be true. Most people that does not have her approval does live miserably, I personally tried to checked.

Reading your feedback, I understand where you are coming from, Anita. You mentioned that I should have evaluated her teaching, I tried. You think that I believed my mother words as it is when I heard it? I believe it when I am also seeing it myself. and most of the time, I am seeing the same things as my mother had told me.

I cannot shake off the mindset that being a nobody is scary when I have been told that it is not ok to be a nobody in this world by my own parents. I trust them, and I love them, I am sure they want me to live well and not be miserable due to marrying the wrong person.

I wonder, if you have any feedback regarding this? I am always open to advices.

-Mina

Anita,

I understand your point clearly this time, thank you for being so precise.

The friend story, I think I wasn’t being very clear about it.

The friend came from a pretty well off family BEFORE her marriage. Her family had warned her not to marry this guy since he is uneducated and did not have a stable job back then and currently still does not have a stable well paid job. Her family told her that her life would be so hard because instead of her husband, she would be the one bringing in most of the money.

She at that time of her marriage did not mind. She had LOVED to travel and shop when she was still single, and since she was still supported by her family it was still do-able for her.

She was working at the same firm as my mother so she used to get paid quite well too. One day, the firm where my mother and the friend worked at went bankrupt. My family were fine because my father has a stable job. The friend`s family went through a very hard time after that due to the husband not having a job. Not to mention that the friend got her car robbed too (this is irrelevant to the topic, I know that being robbed has nothing to do with having a bad husband)

Other than that she couldn’t travelled during that time, and she had to go into labor in a small old clinic, etc. I do not know all the details since I was quite young. But I do remember visiting her baby in that clinic while wearing my ballet costume very vividly, that is when my mother told me why I need to listen to what parents has to say in a marriage relationship. It is important to look for someone your equal if you do not want to ended up like that.

I remember this incident so well in the back of my mind.

The friend now is working again at that same firm because the firm re opened after a few years. Since she has her job again, she can “breathe” a little. She can travel with cheap plane flights to a nearby country that is only an hour away by plane. She can put her kids to a private school too. This is all because of HER – not her husband. The fact that they can even go overseas once a year? it is almost all her money, I believe.

What makes me mad the most is that why can’t she spend her hard working money on ONE bag? It does not even cost that much, 300 dollar at most. It is not like she buys bags every month. I know because she only buys bags every time she goes overseas with me and my mother in Singapore, before our annual trip to Australia (which the firm paid for)

I pity her very much. If the firm isn’t doing well, she would go back to her old life since she cannot count on her husband to make a living.

This story became one of the “root” of why when most 19 year olds wants to date good looking guy, I am looking forward to date a smart and hard working guy with a promising future.

-Mina

Anita,

You wrote :”-right there could be your motivation to rush into marriage (at only 19) to a “hard working guy with a promising future.”

This is correct. I am very scared that I will end up alone as I already mentioned before, this is the root of my fear of being alone. Because my mother does not approve of me being alone, that ended up making me desperate to get married as soon as possible. Correct, Anita?

You wrote : “why is it her money, I wonder. Why not their money, hers and her husband’s? Was and is there no Partnership/ a We and Our, in that marriage?”

I understand that after marriage, your money becomes his money and his money become yours as well. That was besides the point. Financially, the marriage wasn’t equal between the couple. If the gap is not very big, it is understandable. I come from a country where most man must be the main provider for his family so for a woman to be the main provider instead, it is a bit odd. I am not saying that it is wrong, it is just not a common practice here.

You wrote : “couldn’t that well off family finance her stay in a hospital when she needed to give birth?”

Her family used to be well off. Her parents owned a store or something and since they are getting old, their store isn’t doing very well anymore. Both of her parents already retired now, so they cannot help her much – I think the fact that she can even give birth at that small clinic is because her parents helped her a bit with the money and let her stay in their house for a few months.

You wrote : “this is my point about being in a dark room with your mother having a flashlight, pointing to this or that detail. Without the whole picture, the way you put the details together may form a picture that is not true.”

I agree with you on this. There are a lot of points of the story that I must have missed. She can be very much content and happy with her husband and life, who knows?

You wrote : “Look where the flashlight is pointing: it is pointing to a handbag.”

Can you give more more details about this?

The handbag story was not told by mother. She does not even know about the handbag story because I never told anyone about it. As I told you above, we had an annual trip to Singapore every year, I often shop with her. This story is recent, probably a year ago. We went to a store and there is a bag that she wanted to buy so she bought it. I shared a hotel room with her, and she had hidden the bag inside some kind of a bag, and I asked her why did she do that. She answered that she is scared her husband will get mad if he found out that she bought a bag in Singapore.

I found it very sad. I do not know why but … to the point where you have to hide stuff that you bought? Isn’t it too much? I personally think she is free to buy whatever that she wants since it is her money.

I am not denying that the fact that I have this kind of mindset is influenced by mother`s teaching throughout the years. I became very aware of the things that she does not approve of and started to maybe really see the logical reason why. I think, she is trying to make me have the same mindset as her

-Mina

There are times when I feel like I am truly fine. I can laugh happily and truthfully, I can give advices to my friends, I can live like a normal people.

But, every single time something happened to my ex partner or there has been a change in him or me, my emotions is in a turmoil. It is not the same sadness or depression, but I feel like I cannot breathe.

and also other than being sad and hurt over that, I am thinking about how he is doing at the same time. Must have been so hard for him to resigned and left everything behind and start a new.

I know that I shouldn’t even care about him at this point considering my condition, but still.

I guess, there will always be a part of me that cares and love him.

It scares me to think about that sometimes. That maybe, I will never un-love this person. That maybe, he will always be a part of me that I will always be bringing into my life whenever and wherever I will go.

Anita,

You asked : “What was the relationship like?”

It was everything to me at that time. I feel like I met … a soulmate? We spend our first date talking for 5 hours non stop about a lot of things. From fashion, politics, university stuff, to music. When I am with him, I feel safe. I feel like I won’t be judge for anything. I can speak anything to him, truthfully and comfortably. He will listen to me, and give a lot of meaningful advices. He gave me a new way to look at my life. He told me how I should be myself around him. I feel accepted and loved when I am with him. He never once made any rude remarks about my personality or my appearance. He always respected my space and my personal choices. He never pushes his opinion on me, never forces anything on me at all. His friends treated me very well. He motivated me to be more “tough” in this world, hat I should learn to say “no” sometimes to defend myself. He was my boyfriend, my best friend and a role model in some ways to me. He protected me and loved me.

You asked : “How often did you see him, in person?”

Countless times. I mentioned before that we are a college couple. We shared a lot of friends together, went to the same school festival, went on our own dates, tried met up for lunch or dinner every time we had a free time, lived only 15 minutes away by bus. We met up at least once a week.

You asked : “How much time did you spend together and what was the nature of that time?”

It was a short period of time. Around 3-4 months. We started very good, things got a bit rocky when he came to me and cried, telling me about how he is thinking about moving college due to various reasons I have stated before in my previous reply to you in this thread. At that time, we made a commitment to me that we would try to make the relationship work regardless the military service and the distance due to the moving college thing. It was good again, until he broke it off. He told me that logically – it is not possible for us to stay together and it was emotionally too tiring for him to date anyone at this moment in his life.

You asked : “What was the nature of that partnership?”

I simply used the word partner because he was more than a boyfriend to me, that is all. We have never lived together. We just support each other during good and bad times. Since we broke up on a really good (too good) terms, we have a good friendship going on. Like I have already wrote before, the reason why we are not together is not because we do not love each other anymore. It is because we love each other very much that we are letting it go. We have our own different plans and dreams, throwing it away for one particular person seems silly to both of us.

Take your time in answering. I am willing to answer any question regarding the nature of the relationship if it is necessary for you to make a useful feedback.

-Mina.

Anita,

Thank you for the feedback, seriously – thank you. It means a lot to me.

You wrote : “… these are all good things, very good things. Remember these things so to expect them in your next relationship, to look for these things.”

Reading this writing from you, I can feel a bit of a sting in my heart. A lot of our mutual friends decided to to side with me during the break up and was blaming my ex boyfriend for the break up. They told me that my ex did not fight for me, and did not kept his promise to at least try to make it work over time. I explained that regardless of anything that they have mentioned, he is a very good person and a very good boyfriend to me. He brought out the best in me. No one except for me recognised how well he treated me. You are the first person that acknowledged he was a good boyfriend after the break up. My ex himself until now – does not think he was a good boyfriend, I have a bit of regrets for not replying his birthday text message and express how grateful I am to had him in my life.

You wrote : “Take your focus from the unit, specifically from the “boyfriend” part of the unit, and bring it to the “you” part of the unit.”

I am trying. I will try to focus on my studies, my social life in general and university clubs next semester instead of thinking about how miserable my life is without him. I know that my ex will want me to live my life again. The break up was hard on both of us.

Seeing him “pulled through” from the break up, it made me admired him. He is having a harder time than me, with his new upcoming changes that is very unpredictable and scary – I am sure deleting his Facebook also wasn’t easy for him. Cutting off contacts with most of his friends and social circle.

He became a reminder for me to move on. If I cannot run, I will walk, and If I cannot walk, I will crawl to get through this. His last words to me was :

“I would like it if you have fun and be happy in your life.”

The very last words that I hold on to very much.

I know now that my last “sacrifice” for him would be me, being happy without him.

It is his last and sincere wish to me. To simply be happy. That even though this break up was very hard, it will pass. That I will definitely meet someone that will love me more than he did and will treat me better than he did too. He told me this and looked me in the eye. He believed in me more than I ever believed in myself.

For that, I am thankful. I won’t waste his last words to me by not being happy or by not moving on with my life.

I will start my life again – and that is my special way for me to honour him and the relationship.

-Mina