Dear Anita,

I guess you probably think that it is a bad idea but that contact was not meant to be something like that. I reached out to him because I loved him, I still care and I want give out an exception on his special day as a friend. I wrote that birthday message with no expectations. All I want is a “Thank you, wish you well too.” kind of reply.

But in a way that made me stunned is that I never asked for any closure or anything from him, he gave those words to me because he feels my desperation or my sincerity. He UNDERSTANDS. That is what touched me the most. I needed that, when I didnt even know that I needed that before he said it.

-Mina

Dear Anita,

I mentioned above that I cried. I did not understand why, but I cannot control the tears. I assumed that it was too overwhelming for me hearing from him. What is your opinion? I would like to know if you dont mind.

Me reaching out to him, wishing him a happy birthday was a cry out for help from my side. For others, it is a simple “happy birthday” wishes but for me, deep down inside, it is a cry for help and support from him. I am struggling, I feel like dying please help me kind of cry. I didnt say any of those words or even near those words but without me saying it, he understood and helped me in his own ways. He pushes me forward by recognising my support for him during the relationship, I know that he feels a lot of guilt regarding the break up. I was holding on to that one text message and I got a response that I needed to hear ever since the break up. What is your opinion about this?

Thank you so much, as usual, Anita. Take care.

-Mina

Hello Connie,

I think you are absolutely right. I needed his blessings to move on. I needed to hear that what we had was real, and in a way it is like him saying “it is ok to let go now” because even if i let go, it will not change anything about the relationship that we had. Thank you for writing me back, Connie.

-Mina

Anita,

Sorry for the late reply.

1. Has it been the first time (in his reply) that he expressed appreciation of you for supporting him? -> Yes, the first after the break up.

2. Was it also the first time that he mentioned his “whims” during the relationship and that he wasn’t q very good boyfriend? Not really, during the break up talk – he hinted this but did not say that he was a bad boyfriend, like his sentences isn’t the same.

3. Is it also the first time that he wished you spend your time well and have fun? Yes, it is the first time

The break was really hard and intense for us. We both clearly were still in love but considering my ex partner situation at the time, our relationship cannot continue.

Would love to hear reply x

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Mina.

Update 2 :

Things weren’t really good before we broke up, and I felt a shift of change in him. I can feel that he was very stressed about his life, we ended up breaking up obviously – but when I contacted him on his birthday, I sense the guy that I used to loved again. The guy that asked me out and the boy that replied to my birthday message was the same guy – the way he talked to me was the same way like he always talks to me during our relationship – sincere, honest and nice.

Might sounds hopeful but I was really happy that I get to say hello and goodbye to the same person. It was peaceful knowing that everything wrapped up nicely from the very first day to our very last day together

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Mina.

Dear Anita,

I will go through your questions one by one to make you understand better :

1. What I mean by torturing myself is – throughout this break up recovery phase, I have this somehow sick view of love that in order for my ex partner to be happy, I have to sacrifice myself. Me sacrificing my happiness is the biggest proof of my love for him. I pretended to wish him well, to wish him luck while basically “hiding” my real emotions regarding this break up from him. I do not want him to feel any guilt or burden because his life is already so hard. I would rather lie through everything although it kills me everyday. I am having a hard time to stop having these kind of thoughts.

2. The shifts were mainly the change in his behaviours. He was sad, seems depressed and wasn’t very responsive to me a few days before we broke up. I confronted him right away and was already expecting a break up at that time. My ex wasn’t a very good liar, we built our relationship based on trust and openness. We used to talked about everything in our life. Him not sharing is already a big red sign. He expressed his fears regarding his mandatory military service and his stress about starting a new life in a new university during the break up talk (he mentioned this a few times when things were still good between us, but we both kinda knew that this problem will eventually be the reason of the break up in the future)

My boyfriend wasn’t at the happiest place at that moment. He wasn’t supported by his parents to move university, and wasn’t able to get any support from anyone in our university due to him being the Chairman of Student Council in his major. He had a lot of responsibility to so many people, and him announcing that he wants to change university in the middle of a semester would be a scandal. He had to kept it as a secret from 15.000 students and I am the only who knew about his struggle.

My ex boyfriend might seems like a strong and reliable leader towards a lot of people but to me – he is just a 19 year old guy struggling and questioning everything in his “perfect” life. He cried and fight with his own problems alone. My boyfriend`s situation demanded me to be really careful. I cannot share anything that has anything to do with his personal struggle to anyone. It was really tiring for me, Anita. There were a lot of times I wished that I was dating someone “normal” so I can share to my close friends what kind of problems that our relationships was dealing so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

Even until now, I am still keeping this secret for him. He never asked me to (after the break up) but I want to keep it for him, it is the least thing I can do to help him as an ex. Every time someone from our school asked why we broke up, I would lie. My ex does not know that I am still looking out for him.

3. “It was peaceful knowing that everything wrapped up nicely from the very first day to our very last day together.”

What I meant by this – my ex boyfriend changed during his depression period. Few days before the break up, he did not seem like himself. During the break up, he felt so different. It is like I dated a person named A and then broke up with a person named B.

But when he replied to me on that txt message, he sounds like the old him that I know. It made me happy because it assures me that it was all real and that he was a real person. Do you know the feeling of meeting a really old friend that you haven’t met in years? You ended things on a bad note with this particular friend and you felt like she became a different person but then you met her again years later and she acted and talk the way that she used to before things got bad with you? That is how I felt about it.

4. “I wonder if you expect people, your ex boyfriend, friends, others maybe, to be always the same, treating you the very same way throughout. When he or she is stressed or otherwise is not the same, you get unsettled, distressed. Is that so?”

Nope. I understand why his behaviours towards me changed. When people gets stressed out, you cannot expect them to treat you the same. I think I worded my sentences badly – I apologise. I do not expect him to treat me the same but it was just sad that when he and I met for the last time to end things, he seemed so out of it. So that txt msg with him to me was the real goodbye. I dated with a person named A and broke up with a person named A too.

Anita, I hope you won’t mind reading this very long and complicated sappy story of mine. I actually never shared this detailed story to anyone, for the reasons I already stated above. I am very tired of pretending, keeping secrets, not being able to let go, and more than that – I am very tired of being stuck in here crying over a break up that is already done.

I do not understand why it is so hard to forgive the situation? I do not understand why I am still looking out and putting his happiness above mine?

I would love to hear advices and please take your time. I know that this is very long and kind of messy with so many details but I feel like I need to share this with you so you would understand a bit more why this break up is difficult and tricky for me.

-Mina x

P.s : Have a great day! xxx