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A big decision

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  • #101507
    Michelle
    Participant

    I’m sorry this is so long!

    Me and my husband have been together for 14 years and married for one. We got together when we were both in our teens. Our relationship had many ups and downs for the first half (as you would expect due to us growing up and changing) but eventually we moved in together and things were mostly stable. We have moved around a lot as my husband has struggled with settling in a job and always wants bigger and better things. This ambition was an attractive quality to start with but after moving around for a number of years I am happy and settled in our current location and would like to stay. We have been here almost 3 years, which is due to me insisting we stay put, but my husband does not want to settle permanently and refuses to buy a house. He has had numerous jobs throughout our duration here, I have stayed in the same one, but he is always looking for something better. There is nothing wrong with that, it is just the way he never seems happy or content. I find it very unsettling. Our relationship has suffered over the past year and I am not sure why. We rarely have sex because I don’t feel like it and don’t feel close to him, we don’t really do much aside from sit and watch TV and he has seemed very distracted by work and playing games on his mobile.

    Three months ago I was out for drinks with work and ended up spending the night with a male colleague (he is engaged but has explained that he is not happy in the relationship, the wedding scheduled for the summer has since been postponed). He has liked me since we met 3 years ago and I also have strong feelings for him which I have ignored, due to being with my husband. We get along very well and I gave into my feelings. Afterwards we both said that we knew it was wrong but that we didn’t regret it. We have had an affair for the past few months, I really enjoyed his company and I was happy when with him – I know this was wrong. My colleague feels very guilty (as do I) and doesn’t know what to do about the future of his relationship. He has stopped asking to see me and only messages me occasionally now but he says he doesn’t want to end things. My feelings for him remain strong and I am really disappointed that I can’t see or speak to him, even though I know it is the right thing to do.

    A short time ago my husband announced that he has had a secret gambling addiction for a number of years and has run up thousands of pounds of debt. He has used a substantial amount of my money to gamble with and lost it all. He says he has lied for years and only told me because he feels bad and it explains why he has disengaged with the relationship. I don’t care about the money, I care about him lying for years and the fact that he clearly isn’t happy with what we have, as he always wants more. He said he would get help for his gambling and his depression but I think the relationship may be too far gone. I asked him to move out for a while so we can both have some space to work out what we want. When he went I felt relieved but I am also very worried and concerned about him as I do love and care for him. I know I should tell him about the other man but due to him being severely depressed and the likelihood of him coming to my place of work and causing trouble has stopped me from doing this. Also, I don’t want to tell him just to make myself feel better. You may think that, as his wife, I should be supporting him but I am at my wits end after already forgiving him over various lies he has told throughout our relationship.

    Shall I work on my marriage even though there is no trust and I have feelings for someone else? Or do I give up and end the marriage? I am not sure how to find out what I really want.

    #101518
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear porpoise:

    I assume you do not have children in this marriage and if it is so, I surely wouldn’t bring a child into this marriage if I did choose to stay in it, not unless major changes took place and were established over long enough time.

    My first inclination, if I was you, would be to end a one year marriage with no children with a man who gambled away your money without your permission.

    You asked: “Shall I work on my marriage even though there is no trust”- you mean even though he gambled away your money multiple times (more than once) over a long time, without your knowledge? My answer is: no.

    If I was you, if I am choosing to end the marriage, I would not tell him about your affair. Why complicate things unnecessarily? If you were to work on the marriage, that would be another matter.

    Again, if I was you, based on the information in your post, I would relocate to another room in the home where you live, no longer be available for physical intimacy with your one-year husband and take it from there.

    Please do post again.

    anita

    #112650
    Michelle
    Participant

    UPDATE

    Hello there,

    Thank you so much for your advice Anita. My husband and I are now separated and he is leaving the country, he wants to try and work on our relationship despite the distance as he still loves me. He says he has stopped gambling. I don’t know what to do and I can’t think straight as I am in love with the other man. I haven’t told my husband about the affair. I love him but I am not in love with him any more.

    I continued seeing my engaged colleague (he is still engaged) and feels he should try and work on his relationship because he feels he owes it to his fiancée and doesn’t want to make a mistake. Despite this he has said he doesn’t love her. We continued to see each other occasionally and to text each other regularly for the past four months. We have seen each other and not had sex, as he is keen for me to believe that he isn’t just using me. A week ago he said that he wanted to have a few weeks “offline” and not be in touch as he has issues to sort out (family illness) and needs to get his head straight. He accepted that this was selfish and apologised but said he is really struggling with the situation. He is going away on holiday with his fiancée and her kids for a short time during the few weeks and he says he wants to see how this goes.

    I am heartbroken. I know it serves me right for becoming involved with him and that I am also a cheat. I really miss him and I am worried that when he returns next week he will end things between us. It is hard to explain and I must come across as delusional, but we do have strong feelings for each other and have done since meeting over three years ago. When he said he didn’t love his fiancée I believed him and thought that there was no way he could marry her but people do get married even if they aren’t in love and he may do that as he wouldn’t want to let her down.

    Can anyone advise me on how to proceed on the following:
    1. If he comes back and wants to carry on the affair whilst still not giving up his fiancée?
    2. If he ends things, how do I cope?
    3. Should I try to work things out with my husband?

    If I were advising someone else I know what I would say, when it is me dealing with this situation and having these feelings it is incredibly difficult to know what to do.

    Thank you for reading!

    #112652
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    You made a very good point at the end of your update above: “If I were advising someone else I know what I would say, when it is me dealing with this situation and having these feelings it is incredibly difficult to know what to do.”

    This is why you need two plans: the sensible, logical plan and the emotional plan. The emotional plan is about how to carry on the logical plan while you will be feeling what you will be feeling.

    My advice as to the Logical Plan:

    Complete the separation from your husband. As he moves to another country do not follow him and do not live with him again. Proceed with a divorce.

    End any and all relationship with the other guy (except strictly the working relationship) until and if he is no longer engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the other woman. Send him an email or text or so with your decision.

    My logical reasons for the Logical Plan: there are more men in the world than these two, so you don’t have to choose between one wrong choice or the other wrong choice. The husband’s gambling is a very troubling problem. It is not logical to risk your financial life, especially if you have a child with him. He may say he no longer gambles but as a habit, he is likely to go back to it as habits are very difficult to break. Regarding the other man: he is otherwise involved, otherwise engaged with a woman with children. He is confused, let him sort out his life. You are doing yourself a disservice, as well as to him and those children if you continue to further add to his confusion. You are doing yourself a disservice to take this passive role where you are waiting for him to figure what woman he chooses. You choose, now.

    The Emotional Plan:… after your thoughts and feelings about my input here.

    anita

    #112725
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I agree with Anita’s analysis.

    #112735
    KatyCat
    Participant

    I have experienced what you are experiencing. I hope my advice is helpful.
    A few years ago, I was with a man who had a girlfriend. We were together when he was having a Cold War with his girlfriend, so I did not know I was the mistress at that time. Later he told me the truth but he said he was figuring out what to do because he did not love that woman. However, he felt that he has the responsibility to be with her because they have been together for nearly 10 years.
    Finally, in Dec that year, he told me that he was getting married within the same month. I was shocked and also heartbroken.
    Here are my advice for you:
    1. Don’t trust this engaged man. He will never leave the woman for you. If he can do so, he would have done it already. He could be just buying time. I think it is true that he loves you. However, he also love the woman. Maybe he said that he did not love her, but he should be already treating her as part of his family member. He won’t leave her.
    2. You can try to get some clues from your other colleagues. Maybe you will hear a different story. Just like my case. When I knew that he is gonna married, he also told me that the woman planned everything and he is not really involved in the weddings preparation. But how could this possible? Later I heard from his another friend that they are preparing for the wedding in June (maybe even earlier). So, I think you cannot trust him 100%. Maybe he actually told his friend that he love the woman a lot!
    3. I guess that you actually know what to do logically. But you are just scared to know the truth and scared to feel hurt. This was the process that I have gone through. You have to face this anyway. No point to procrastinate..
    4. You can observe your husband more first. I know if the love is gone, no point to be together anymore. On the other hand, although it is a selfish action, you can try to shift more attention to your husband. This can help you feel less sad about the engaged colleague (if you decided to break up with him). Secondly, I think you and your husband have been together for so many years. It is not easy. Maybe you two can find a way out.

    #112982
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank you all very much for your responses, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. I apologise for how long it has taken me to respond.

    I absolutely agree that I should not trust the man who is engaged and that I shouldn’t be waiting for him to choose, also that he probably will never leave his fiancee, and is just biding time. Logically, I know this and keep telling myself to let him go. Emotionally I am completely in love with him and can’t concentrate on anything else. I have been away for a few days and even in a different country I cannot get him out of my head. It makes me feel physically ill at the thought of him not being in my life.

    I love my husband but I am not IN love with him and care for him as a friend. I am tempted to try and make things work so I am not alone but I cannot live a lie.

    So, the plan is to let them both go. How do I cope emotionally?

    #112993
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michelle:

    The Logical Plan is to “let them both go.”

    The Emotional Plan (“How do I cope emotionally?”), beginning of addressing it:

    1. Understand the emotional nature of Attachment. As I understand it, and let me know if I am correct: you were attached to your husband at one time (“in love”)- but his chronic discontent, moving jobs and locations, wanting things he doesn’t have, you called that “unsettling”- it made you feel unsafe with him. We feel attached to those who make us feel safe. At one point your husband made you feel safe and you felt attached, or in love with him. Over time, you felt more and more unsafe with him so you lost the attachment, the in-love feeling for him. As this was happening you felt unsafe, unattached. Your colleague came along, and as you felt more and more unsafe with your husband, needing the feeling of safety, you attached to your colleague. He became your (feeling of) safety.

    When we are attached to someone, as you are now attached to your colleague, it feels like we can’t live without them. It feels safe with him and unsafe without him… because you are attached to him.

    2. In psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist, if you attend one, you can explore the history of your attachment to ..the first person or people you were attached to: your parent/s. What happened there and how that history left you so needy of attachment, so needy/ desperate that you will act against your own well being, staying in a bad-for-you relationships just for that feeling of safety when in reality you are not safe in those relationships.

    Thoughts so far?

    anita

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