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Move on or fight for it

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  • July 1, 2020 at 6:08 pm #360204
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    hi all, i’m stuck in a situation where i don’t know what to do so i call out for the help of  someone with more life experience.
    me and this boy we’ve been really good friends lately, talked and going out everyday. He had a crush on me, he did not told me, but it was very easy to figure it out. And I kind of friendzoned him because i was afraid. He did not have any relationship till now. But I had a 4year relationshiop before who left me broken and It was really hard to recover. So i was scared. Then all of  a sudden he said  he does not wanna talk with me anymore because he thinks it’s better for him this way and avoiding me or going home when we are out with our friends.

    i dont’t know if i should keep trying to talk to him or how to do this. He s very special to me and i would give him a chance but it s very hard and i dont wanna let my walls down just for him to cut me off again.

    July 2, 2020 at 5:23 am #360235
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Melissa:

    You shared that you had a four year relationship that left you broken. It was hard for you to recover from that breakup. So when a “really good” male friend of yours developed a crush on you, you friendzoned him because you were afraid to start a new relationship and get hurt again.

    After being friendzoned, he told you that it’s better for him to not talk with you anymore and to go home instead of socializing with the group of friends of which you are a part.

    You wrote that you want to give him a chance but you “don’t wanna let my walls down just for him to cut me off again”-

    Question: when you wrote that you friendzoned him, what do you mean by it: what specific words and behaviors on your part toward him constitute friendzoning him?

    anita

     

    July 2, 2020 at 9:09 am #360256
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Melissa,

    You seem fairly young? How old are you? Forgive me for being presumptuous as you haven’t given much detail so I will fill in some blanks for now.

    It reads as if your friend realised through your actions/words you were going to/did reject him? So he has cut contact or withdrawn? Do not take this personally, it requires a lot of courage to put your feelings out there and then further strength to withdraw from the person you want, I’m sure he would have wanted to remain friends, but remaining friends with unreciprocated feelings is not easy nor healthy. So your friend is being mature, he is not investing in a low-quality friendship because when feelings become involved in friendships, the dynamic changes.

    Life experience you asked for, but without knowing your age I will not overburden you with my background. What I shall say is, relationships will always require both people to be vulnerable to move forward. Vulnerable in a way that you would normally avoid after being hurt in the past. This means willing to take a leap and accepting rejection as an outcome.

    Putting up walls is normal, the great thing is you seem to recognise you were acting out of FEAR. Being with someone new is unknown and uncertain can quite honestly raise anxious feelings for anyone, more so for people who have been hurt before. You can’t live life in fear if you want to experience love, so if you see something special in him, I’d say it is your turn to be brave.

    How? Reach out and have a simple conversation, communicate. That is all it takes, don’t overcomplicate things by getting inside your head. If he has had his feelings rejected by you, be willing to see how things are playing out from his perspective, and be willing to adjust and empathise with them when you can. One conversation can lead to a new journey, do not let the fear of rejection stop you from looking back with regret at not having given it a chance. If he doesn’t want to continue and cuts you off then that is ok, chalk it up to another experience and you will have learned he was not the one for you,  but you’ll never have lost the opportunity as you tried.

    Right now you can sit and contemplate but nothing will ever get off the ground in that manner, so be open and willing to communicate.

    Any other help, welcome to ask.

    Tim

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