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8 years in a relationship – struggling to be authentic

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • January 7, 2018 at 9:50 am #185435
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Viv:

    You wrote that he conquered his demons. I don’t think so. I think he has been taking a break from his demons by looking for yours, real and imagined, and focusing on those.

    You wrote that he is spiritually aware. I disagree: he escapes his awareness of his own demons, his own issues by focusing on yours… real or imagined.

    You wrote that he loves you wholeheartedly- true love does not hurt the loved one. His love hurts you because his primary motivation is (again), to distract himself from awareness of his own issues.

    The fact that he stopped his binge drinking, or any drinking of alcohol does not mean that he is healed, spiritually aware or correct all of the time. It simply means that he stopped drinking.

    What he believes about you cannot be completely accurate or even close enough because he sees too much of himself in you, inaccurately projecting his demons into you, so to speak.

    A relationship with him is harmful  to you, this is why you found yourself distant from him, you want out, naturally, from a bad situation. It is a bad situation, with no hope in it.

    No hope because no matter how hard you try to please him, he will continue to find faults. If he sees no faults in you, he will have to look at his own, and he doesn’t want to do that.

    I would like to read your thoughts and feelings about what I wrote here.

    anita

    January 7, 2018 at 10:21 am #185447
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Viv,

    You don’t need a parent, to walk on eggshells, to be told what to do, how to behave, what to think, what internet social media sites you can and can’t go on. He is being very disrespectful and acting “superior”. This is not a loving, secure and healthy relationship, and it will only get worse, make you stressed, resentful of him and miserable. I think he is trying to perhaps fix a caretaker from his past, a critical parent, or that his feelings were not listened to. Now he used that as sarcastic out downs to you, and this is very toxic. In relationships, no One should try to “fix” another, because it will only lead to resentment, confusion and hurt feelings, like I say, you want a partner in life, not a father. Best to re-evaluate the relationship. I feel you deserve better. x

    January 8, 2018 at 12:21 am #185555
    Q
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Eliana,

    Thank-you both for the response and thoughts.

    Anita – I spoke about his drinking as it was his turning point in changing his outlook on life and his destructive lifestyle and how he was able to take a step back to get him to where he is now. I do believe that I should see it simply as he just quit drinking. I agree that he focuses too much on me and not himself. I feel that his challenge would be not to point out what he is uncomfortable with but why he is uncomfortable with it and let that be something he reflects on. I constantly ask him why does he love me because if he wants me to change, I need to know that he loves me just the way I am now and the change that ‘may’ happen is more so for me and not for him; otherwise without change, we would be facing a break-up and that isn’t how I would like to commit to a relationship. I always say you got to take it as you see it, not imagine a possible future of an ‘altered and changed me’. I don’t use those exact words but that is the essence of the conversation. I wouldn’t say that he projects his demons onto me but more so his problems that he has with other female figures in his life. Unfortunately he is dating someone very similar to his mother and sister. We are all Gemini’s and say or think the same. Often earlier on in our relationship I will hear, your exactly like my mum (not in a good way). Soon, we understood how negative this was and he has stopped these comparisons. I know most of the time, its still there subconsciously. I do wish to no longer have him as my reason to change. Me breaking away will help me be my authentic self no matter who I meet in the future, my own standards that I place on myself will be my own and that will be something that is accepted, not a cause to be changed depending on a partners own perspective.

    Thank-you both for giving me the courage to write all these things down so that they are clearer to me. I feel that I will be making the correct choice to move away from this negative relationship. Even if I am all the things that have been said such as being negative, lying and being a victim, I hope to be the personal drive behind motivating myself to change for me and not for anyone else. I have written him a letter to avoid a debate on the issue of us breaking-up. A weight has been lifted off my chest as I press ‘submit’.

    Viv

    January 8, 2018 at 4:59 am #185561
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Viv:

    You are welcome and I am glad a weight has been lifted off your chest as you pressed submit. Your aim is to be authentic, that is in the title of your thread, “struggling to be authentic”. As you stated, moving away from this negative relationship will help you be your authentic self.

    Post again anytime, if you need to.

    anita

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