Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→8 months sober and clean… Now having to heal the emotional wounds.
- This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by
Bethany Rosselit.
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June 25, 2015 at 12:15 pm #78837
CScripterParticipantHow the hell do I shut him out and move on with my life?
Do you know the difference between a blue sky from the starry night? Than you have your answer here. Don’t listen to the voice when it speaks. After a while it will drown out over the volume of the voice you choose to listen too.
Is it okay to cut him off forever?
It is always okay to cut out toxic and negative sources from your life. Whatever and whoever they may be. It is not always easy, and there is sometimes pressure from external sources. It is possible to be both grateful to a person for what positive contributions they have provided and to cut them out of your life for the negative contributions that stifle your own growth.
How do I keep people from getting into my mind?
I’m in your mind right now, because you have asked me a question and I am now providing an answer. We’ve never met, most likely never will. And yet, I am influencing your train of thought as we speak….er, type…read? Conversation, interaction, knowledge. These all compose our mind. The mind is not ‘who’ we are. It is an immaterial reaction to our environment, designed to keep you alive by influencing your choices and behavior based upon changes in our environment. ‘Who’ we are is the singular point of awareness behind this process.
A man cannot step into the same river twice, as an ancient philosopher once wrote. This is also true of the man himself. We change moment to moment. Thought to thought.
And how do I keep my emotions in control?
By not letting them influence your actions and choices. The fundamental flaw within this question is that we can control our emotions. We cannot, not anymore than we control our environments. We control *only* ourselves.
As far as feelings go, they are visitors. Let then come and go. They are natural reactions to what happens to you. Millions of years of survival designed to keep you alive. Don’t deny, repress, dismiss, or discourage them. If you’re mad, be MAD.
Just don’t act on them. This includes what you say to people. This is how you are not controlled by your emotions.
Never lie to yourself. Everything else will follow.
June 25, 2015 at 2:57 pm #78848
AnonymousGuestDear charlieray2015:
Congratulations for being sober and clean for eight months! And for considering a better way of living for yourself. You asked:
“How the hell do I shut him out and move on with my life?
Is it okay to cut him off forever?
How do I keep people from getting into my mind?
And how do I keep my emotions in control?”I have cut my mother out of my life at 52 years old. that was two years ago. I wish I did that a long, long time ago. I tried when I was 30 but it was short lived. My intent is that the cut will be for the rest of my life. I cannot express enough how very, very strong my attachment to her STILL feels. It sometimes feels like a raw wound. I cannot tell you how much guilt I experienced deciding to cut her off and to keep it this way for the last two years. At first, when I considered cutting contact with her (again) in 2011, I imagined it would be so liberating, that I will experience so much freedom and happiness. But that was not the case. There were calm moments but also a lot of torture. Eventually at this point, I know it was the right thing. She fed me well. she worked hard. She bought me new clothes and toys etc. AND she was my enemy, not FOR me, but AGAINST me. She had to go if I was to live FOR myself.
How I cut her off- I did it completely. No contact whatsoever.
Unfortunately I internalized her and her voice has been talking to me. I wish it wasn’t so but part of our psyche, the superego in Freudian terms is the intenalized parent/s, and if the parent was abusive… then the superego, part of our psyche takes after the abusive parent. I wish it it wasn’t so, but it is. There are skills to deal with this, to build and strengthen a part of our psyche, an internal manager, that will take good care of us, a part that will stand between our child part and the abusive parent in our heads and take care of the child part compassionately and effectively. I learned some in psychotherapy- CBT with a good dose of minfulness. At this point the superego, the abusive internalized parent, the “internal critic’ is less active in my mind, way less active. What a journey it has been!
My addiction which i still deal with is eating- very painful. Very, very painful. I am making progress although it is oh, so gradual. Which leads me to controlling emotions. You heard of What-we-resist-persists? Well, I learned that feeling what i have been trying not to feel is way, way preferrable to resisting it. It is like the child part, that hurting child part WILL NOT BE IGNORED! She needs to be seen, heard, taken care of. Find a way for your child part to be seen, heard, valued, validated and loved. This is how you … manage your emotions, slowly, with compassion, accepting imperfections, patiently, in small steps. Day after day.
Take good care of yourself!
anitaJune 28, 2015 at 6:46 am #78924
Bethany RosselitParticipantHi Charlie,
Addictions happen when the mind is trying to feel “good” as a substitute for feeling safe. And when the mind feels unsafe, unfortunately, you can’t just walk away from the issues that are causing you to feel that way.
Healing can be a long process, but it will involve looking at the “lessons” you learned from your parents and redefining them. What did you learn about yourself from them? What misunderstandings do you have about yourself? Any thought that doesn’t feel good should be questioned, so that you can redefine it. Here is an article I wrote, regarding that: http://www.onlinetherapyandcoaching.org/blog/2015/6/24/how-to-deal-with-negative-thoughts .
After that, the next step is to understand that your parents did the best they could with the tools that they had, and to ultimately forgive them. Whether you stay in touch with them is your choice, and nobody can make that for you.
You’ve got a long road ahead of you, so be patient with yourself. You made a good first step, by focusing on the emotional issues that were causing your drinking and other habits.
I wish you the best!
Bethany
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