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3 years age gap

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  • September 1, 2014 at 11:29 pm #64222
    Irene
    Participant

    Dear TB-ers, i really need your advice on this issues that been giving me a headache. The story might be confusing and long but please bear with me.

    I was introduced to a guy by my friend last week, lets call her “A”. The guy name is “W” and his father is a business partner and a good friend of A’s future husband, B.

    We got along well, we chat and went on several dates too. But, my friend contacted me yesterday, pleaded me to just cut off contact with him. She told me that his parents disapprove of us because of our age gap. 3 years age gap is considered bad luck in his cultural background. My friend is getting a good scolding from her own family too for introducing us despite of knowing the age gap, and said she’ll be held responsible if anything happens to his husband business relation.

    My heart is breaking.

    I really like this guy and would like to continue to see if we have a chance being in a relationship. Nothing is set in stone yet, we don’t know each other well enough to be in a relationship too. All i want is the freedom to be able to interact with him genuinely without the image of my friend keep popping in my head. I feel selfish for sacrificing my friend for a chance to get to know this guy.

    I did casually mention to W about his cultural background that disapprove of our age gap. He told me it’s not true, that his parent is fine with it and tell me to just relax and slowly get to know each other. Obviously he’s lying, his parents called my friend to show his disapproval. Should i just cut it off? i’m afraid of getting my heart broken..and yet i’d really like a chance to see if its going somewhere.. They guy is 30 years old and have broken off many past relationship due to his parents disapproval. It makes me feel very insecure as if anytime i will hear him say “let’s not meet again” and i’m very afraid of that.

    My friend said even if we did manage to make it to marriage, i won’t be happy anyway since his parents will dislike me. Why can’t i just be free to befriend anyone i like? why does my friend’s and W’s parents get to have a say whether i can go out with him or not? I feel as if they’re looking at me based on the chinese zodiac im born under with, not as a human, not as a person. We don’t even know each other that well to be in a relationship, we just like each other companion and the enjoying the time getting know each other.

    Please, any advice will be much appreciated. I found myself been obsessing about this issues to the point that it’s on my mind 24/7 and i’m sick of it. It’ll just be much better if i could socialize with him without any pressure and see where thing goes.

    September 5, 2014 at 2:51 am #64405
    Irene
    Participant

    Bump, any advice will be greatly appreciated 🙁

    September 5, 2014 at 3:23 am #64407
    Denise McKen
    Participant

    Hi Irene,

    Sorry to hear that you’re in such a difficult situation. Firstly, you most certainly are free to befriend whomever you want. Unfortunately, you don’t have control over how others react towards you and the person you want to get to know which, as you’re now experiencing, can cause problems.

    Ultimately, no-ne can tell you ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – that decision has to be yours and I think you already know that. All i’ll say is you are both adults and you’ll need to make the choice as to whether you’re willing to deal with the consequences of continuing to see each other (presuming what your friend says is true).

    You say you want to socialise with him without any pressure but it sounds like that is unlikely to be the case. If there is no chance of sitting down with them and getting to know them to ease their concerns, then, as difficult as it feels, make right now the time when you come to a final decision and stick to it rather than, as you say, obsessing over it non-stop because it’s not doing you any good.

    Ask yourself:

    Am I willing to continue to deal with this situation that I feel torn apart by and hope it will workout somehow or do I want to let it go, allow myself to feel sad about it and then move on with my life?

    Are you willing to decide once and for all? Can you do that for yourself?

    If you need time to make that final decision, then give yourself time but don’t drag it out for too long; 2/3 days perhaps.

    If there’s any chance whatsoever that someone’s life could be at risk then of course, that’s when I would say, just leave well alone.

    September 8, 2014 at 1:48 pm #64589
    Pooch
    Participant

    Hello Irene, I can’t give you advice but I can tell you that I was in a kind of similar situation. I and my ex-boyfriend were a few years apart (I was older), and in their culture, that was pretty much unacceptable (the age gap, and the fact that I was older). My then boyfriend knew that, and continued to date me (for three years), and I guess I was hoping too the family would fully accept me in the end. In the end, I realized that that was not going to happen, and had to break it up with him. When I did, he pretty much agreed that his family would never accept me as part of their family.

    In my opinion, the guy you are dating likes you, knows about the situation with his parents, but is probably hopeful things will change with his parents. Not sure what culture it is, but it is likely not going to change if the decision is based on custom and tradition. Just my opinion.

    I wish you well 🙂

    September 8, 2014 at 2:59 pm #64592
    elephantgirl
    Participant

    Hello Irene,

    I agree with Pooch. If the traditions are being in the question from the very beginning, at the end you are turning back to the beginning. But of course this is my experience, there are always exceptions.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by elephantgirl.
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