Just over 3 months ago my husband left me, and I discovered he had been having an affair. A lot has happened since then; he’s done a huge turn around in his behaviour, completely cut off contact with OW shortly after our separation, and is seeming to have come out of the fog. He still lives in an apartment, and will do so until we decide what the future holds. He is full of self-loathing and regret for what he’s done to me and the children, and wishes he could take it back, but knows he can’t. We talk a lot. I have told him that he needs to move beyond what he did, because regrets will keep us stuck. I can’t watch him keep beating himself up, and it seems he understands. We have both had individual counselling, which seems to really have helped us both, and started couples counselling. After 22 years together, I do not feel right walking away without trying. This man was my best friend for much of it, and as I look back, it was the last 2 years where we were both extremely unhappy and unplugged from each other. We became very child centred and forgot to nurture our relationship. I told him if it weren’t for the fact that I seem to have a stronger moral compass, it could have been me who went outside the marriage. Not that it dismisses his actions, but I do know that I have my share of responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage, while he 100% owns the affair. He knows he should have talked to me. He listens what I say, and never attempts to defend his actions, or blame me in any way. There is so much more to it, but bottom line is we have been spending time together, talking on a level that is so much deeper than we ever have, because what is left to lose? Most days, I see how we can possibly rebuild and move forward. Other days, I am scared I never will feel the trust I had in him again. He was my rock, or so I thought, and he betrayed me in a way I have never been before. I am trying to go one day at a time, but I just want it all back to where it was when we loved and respected each other. I guess my problem is really that I like to know my future, even though none of us really can, but we can guess the bones of it. I don’t know where my life is going, and the pressure knowing that my children would love an intact family, and I want my husband back, is stressing me out because I don’t know if I am being realistic. I hope this makes sense. I really am not dwelling on the affair that much although of course it’s still early and it hurts to think about, but I’ve asked the questions, gotten the answers, and I am trying to look at the big picture of what got us to that point, and correct it. I feel like I’m somewhat emotionally distant at times, because to expose myself completely again sets me up for rejection. Wasn’t that the person he betrayed in the first place? I know I had been extremely negative in the past, because I was so unhappy, but I need someone to listen to me when I have a bad day. He often asks how my day was, and I’m vague because I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. I’m not sure what I’m asking, but I guess I was wondering if anyone else has been working on reconciliation, or has words of encouragement? It would be so much easier to pull the plug, because working on it is hard, and I’m so scared it will never be ok again. I love him, but it’s not the same, because I’m hurt and trying to heal. I just wish I could fast track it.