Dear Thoughtfullearning:

I like your user name and, from the post above: “I believe that a partnership should be based on a best friendship and then the romantic/love comes naturally.”

Learn who the person is, thoughtfully learn before getting invested emotionally. Most people, I think, are not that thoughtful or patient. Lots of people want what feels good right here and right now. So you want to develop a friendship and a romantic relationship slowly, in one to one interactions, your comfort zone. Most people you meet and will meet will not qualify as friend or romantic partner material because most are not as thoughtful as you are.

Be open to numbers: to meeting as many people as possible. Out of so many, a few may qualify.

When a person has lots of friends and some for a very long time, it may be a case where the person is very easy going, able to peacefully interact with almost anyone as a friend. You are not so easy going, are you? (I am not). If so, honor yourself and respect your need to be selective. Go with numbers, is my advice, someone will survive the process of your selection.

anita

Dear Thoughtfullearning:

I will read and reply to your other post in the next couple of hours.

As far as messaging directly, I did so in the far away past with a few people here on tiny buddha but it didn’t work well. I decided months ago, therefore, not to do so again. Also, as we communicate here, it is possible for other people who read our communication to benefit from it. This too is important to me.

Regarding how to teach yourself to be more patient with others, less judgmental so that you are open and willing to learn more about them, my answer is this: when a person annoys you, when a person says or does something that makes you disgusted with them, think: what is it in what they said and did that annoys or disgusts you so? For example, i was often annoyed and disgusted when I saw a person behaving fearfully, fearing other people and hurrying to avoid their rage, being submissive to others. When I thought about what it is that annoys me so much about this behavior, i realized that I myself behaved that way and hated it about myself. I found out that it made me angry to be afraid of people and act submissively so to avoid their anger.

When I realized that, the next time I observed the person behaving that way, I felt empathy for that person, or at the least, I was open to consider empathy for that person. We often hate seeing in others what we hate in our own selves.

anita

Hi, I see where you are coming from. From what I can deduce from your situation, I feel that as long as you portray yourself as a genuine person, and have good intentions for the other party, making friends will not be a problem. As for how you can slowly ease from a one to one to a group meetup/gathering, i suggest you can start to do more things for others e.g baking, showing appreciation of others. From then on, you can slowly gain mutual friends through that one friend while you gain their trusts too. Based on my experiences of making friends, I usually make friends through sports meetup. Feel natural, act natural and you’ll be natural in making friends around you. The Key thing is to be positive and cheerful, while always maintaining a good posture. It is what is inside you, not outside you that matters, people will be able to sense it on the first meetup. Lastly, good luck and have fun making friends around you! I believe you can do it!