Hi Tara

It’s good to hear that you got out of an abusive relationship!

As for your parents, I think that your instincts are correct about the controlling behaviour regarding your location and who you go out with.

Working two jobs and studying, you sound like a responsible young adult. For both of these reasons, you deserve your freedom. It does seem like they are struggling to see you as the adult that you are.

I understand what it is like to lie to parents when they are unsupportive and judgemental of who you are spending time with. I would imagine that you were trying to avoid that reaction? It doesn’t sound like you meant to hurt any feelings.

I think it matters that you were honest when the situation was discussed.

How are you holding up with the stonewalling? This too is a form of abuse. It’s not great that they tried to gaslight and blame you either. The whole situation seems verbally abusive and  (I’m not a fan of this word) toxic.

I think you are a very capable of making this decision yourself. So I wonder, what would your ideal resolution to this issue look like?

On a happier note, how are things with this new man?

Dear Tara:

” My mother still tends to complain about my father and her relationship with him constantly. Another thing is my father also tends to have small angry outbursts when little things don’t go his way… Since my breakup I have been going out with my friends often, going to parties etc., quite often. I am 22 years old, quite young… there is always an excess of questions asked when I am going out. Not just the normal where are you going, and with whom, but more than that… Though I understand I now live here and my parents have concern for my safety, I feel as if it goes past just that… For the past 2-3 weeks, I have been seeing a man casually… Throughout my life, my mother has always been unsupportive and extremely judgmental of any relations I have had with males…(your mother told you, quote) ‘she knows it’s not casual‘…This spiraled into my mother listing everything that I have done wrong while living in their house, and threatening me to move out and also to get rid of my dog. Since this discussion, my mother has not talked to me in 4 days…  she is going to stay with her friend for a few days” (June 19, Aug 7, 8, 2022).

” I am so confused on what is going on” you wrote in your most recent post. My best guess as to what is going on, based on the quotes above, is that although your father and to some extent perhaps your mother too have been concerned for your safety in regard to you frequently going out at night to parties and such, your mother has been jealous of you for being young, single and able to go out and have fun, while she is older, unhappily married and while you go out- she is stuck with your father with whom she is having no fun at all.

You wrote that throughout your life, your mother was extremely judgmental of any relations you had with males, I think that the reason is that she’s been unhappy with your father throughout much of your life and jealous of you for… not being stuck with him, and for being able to have fun elsewhere. When you told her recently that you are having a causal relationship with a young man, her jealousy spiked. I think that she imagined that you are having sex with this man, and having fun having sex- and she was jealous.

“I am confused and unsure of if this whole ordeal is my fault“- no, it’s not your fault that your parents are in an unhappy marriage, that your mother wishes that she was young, single and free to go to parties and have an exciting dating life, instead of being stuck with your father wishing she was elsewhere.

Mothers who are jealous of their daughters are jealous for various reasons, and so, your mother is not jealous of you for the very same reasons that apply to other jealous mothers, and not all jealous mothers behave the same. In your case, seems to me that the reason for her jealously is what I pointed to above.

From the book Daughter Detox: Recovering From an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life: “Talking about maternal jealousy is perhaps the ultimate taboo, inimical to all we hold dear about motherhood and want to believe about mother love, especially that of a mother for her daughter. While maternal jealousy is a freighted topic, it’s not a rarity”.

From the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: “Normal or healthier mothers are proud of their children and want them to shine. But a narcissistic mother may perceive her daughter as a threat. If attention is drawn away from the mother, the child suffers retaliation, put-downs, and punishments. The mother can be jealous of her daughter for many reasons: her looks, her youth, material possessions, accomplishments, education and even the young girl’s relationship with the father”.

we have kids. com/ family relationships/ why some moms get jealous of their daughters: “Do you have a strained relationship with your mother and don’t know why?… While growing up, a girl may sense that the relationship with her mom is strained. The possibility that it’s caused by maternal jealousy, though, is the furthest thing from (the daughter’s) mind. Instead, she blames herself… t’s not until she grows older, gets wiser, and, perhaps, seeks therapy that she realizes her mom has been envious of her all along. With that aha moment, everything finally begins to make sense and she can begin to heal… Another common source of a mom’s envy is her daughter’s seemingly unlimited prospects. At a time when her own possibilities may be narrowing, she sees her child’s world open up. She may wish that she had enjoyed the freedoms that young women have today: exploring their sexuality… When moms get jealous of their daughters, it’s best for their daughters to distance themselves. I moved away from my mom (both physically and emotionally)… Part of maturing is seeing our parents as human beings with frailties and limitations just like everyone else. Hopefully, you can stand back now, realize your mother struggles with jealousy and insecurity, and not take it personally. It has everything to do with her and nothing to do with you.”

anita