If you are really willing to read this I’m so happy and grateful for you attention.

Hello!
My name is Crystal , and I turn 20 years old in under a month. My life up until now has been one big roller coaster I’d just like to give a ‘kind of’ brief description up until now and then discuss my issues. maybe someone can help me? I’d greatly appreciate any advice coming my way.

I grew up with an old fashioned filipina mother, and a loud mouth military father from Massachusetts . Weird mix, but that’s what I ended up with. Still trying to learn to love them, but it’s very hard. Many of people I’ve met have even told me they would’ve gave up on my parents and left. I just would feel guilty. I do want to move out soon. In not a sense of abandoning my parents but trying to find peace. My mom is very strict and she’s hurt my feelings and put me down almost every day . still kind of does. my dad is probably bi-polar and has anger management problems (as do i , but I’m slowly fixing them) , and he use to be very rude verbally to me but not so much now. My parents do fight every single day, and it’s over stupid inconsiderate things and I’m just sick of it , really. It’s loud, unnecessary, and really effects my thoughts. I also didn’t grow up with a lot of money, so I don’t and still don’t eat too much.. I’ve grown use to it though and try my best to work around it. I don’t want to depend my happiness on money but it would be great for me to have it sometime soon to just enjoy myself or help people..

Through Highschool I was picked on, dated the wrong people (not right now , I have an amazing boyfriend if I may add) , been used by “friends” , I was hurt so much. I’m pretty sure I was depressed. I hated myself. I had the lowest self esteem , I would just feel ugly and like people hated me all the time..
at home at least … I’m a happy person when I was out with friends or even just by myself .
I don’t want to get into my emotional issues because I’ve been trying to vanish them and fix them. I’m trying to be a happier person through meditation and education from this website and many others..

my junior year my grades sucked and I went to a secondary school.
That secondary school was almost the best thing that happened to me.. at first I was extremely scared of everyone who went there , but I noticed that even though these kids were drug addicts, possibly in gangs, partied, got into fights… these people were more accepting to me than anyone i’ve ever met in highschool.. Yeah they had their imperfections but I grew to have an open mind and understand . I felt like I belonged not in a sense of because they were “bad” kids but because they were actually interested in acknowledging my existance and be kind to me , say hi, little things like that. The teachers were amazing , helped me more than any teacher I’ve had in my life.. and they were individually supportive and actually cared . I even joined a girls group that actually helped me so much. The counslers were such a big impact and help in my life. The staff encouraged me to really dream big (but I didn’t really have a dream.. i dont even know if I do yet). I graduated a little late , about a year later (even though I finished two months after my graduating class. i had to wait until the next years grad date) . After I graduated , what now?

I couldn’t get a job, because every where I went didn’t want me even when I called..
I then had the idea to take up “Veterinary Assisting” , so I looked up a class that we had to pay 1000$ for , and went for it. actually had to wait almost a year for that class to start, with no job luck still.. All I would do to wait for this class now was smoke weed with my boyfriend. (I do not smoke, I quit after I finished my vet asst class to be able to obtain a job)
I never became dependent on weed and I dont want to sound like it was the only thing that made me happy , because it wasn’t.. but I can say a few months before and during those times I was very spiritual and open minded and loved myself. I didn’t let any negative thoughts, or anger or jealousy control me. I was my happiest.

My sisters family moved in and I was happy but for a while they really would talk about me in ways that weren’t true and think so little of me….it sucked, I started to avoid them
When I started my class, I was all about it , and I felt awesome. I passed the class with a A- and now have my Certificate. To actually get the certificate I had to finish an 80 hour externship which I did. The woman who was my ‘supervisor’ had told me that I had a chance to get a job there right after, because that was the whole point of the class, but right at the end of my externship I caught a virus and had bronchitis for almost 3 months (still have it) and I had asked her about it, and even sent her a cover letter and she had hired someone already… so that shot me down… really far down.. and the reason why was because, I was mostly cleaning and filing 70% of the time that I didn’t really get good enough training to actually be an assistant. All I did was watch, really. so I feel like kinda screwed at that point. I also developed an allergy to animals and it really sucks because I can’t really do it anymore because of it. I’m even mildly allergic to my own dog. and it really makes me sad.
Being in the Veterinary field really isn’t something i’m passionate or something I dream about . it’s just something I thought “Wow I love animals so much, and my parents would approve of this so why not” , but seeing the job and all of the things everyone had to do and whether or not an animal was going to live or not, kind of depressed me. It was really stressful , and I honestly also chose this to “make myself stronger” , being in uncomfortable situations to help me face my fears under pressure.. but it only made me more sad even though I tried to mentally fight it . It’s just not what I want , and thinking about how much money my parents spent for it and how I didn’t come through with it really makes me feel like a failure.

I decided to still work in the ‘animal field’ and apply for positions such as caregiver, I sent out a cover letter and resume to a couple of hospitals. I then showed my older sister who actually hires people , my resume and cv and she said I had to really work on it, and that she would help me, but she hasn’t and I really don’t blame her because she’s busy, but now I feel discouraged to apply for anything else.. even a cashier job. I want everything to be perfect .
I’m also actually very anxious and I am shy and I have issues with talking to people just in general and I’m really scared to call these people now. Almost so scared I have panic attacks.. This has been going on for like 3 months. After, what happened with my externship I just feel like I’m not good enough to get hired. I’m also not very good with words and I just don’t sound smart enough for anything I feel.

My family just thinks I’m a loser that does nothing all day and hangs out with her boyfriend and isn’t going to go anywhere in life.. I’ve actually heard multiple conversations about me and it really hurt my feeling to hear that thats what they thought about me.. and it just makes me more depressed and discouraged and anxious and I had trust issues with every single person in this world after it.. I figured whats the point if people are like this. nobody approves of me so I’m just going to hide away and I did hide away for two months in my room and didn’t talk to anyone but my boyfriend . He’s really the only person who helps me and is kind to me

but soon after I began to treat my boyfriend poorly , (we’ve been together for almost 4 years, he’s 2 years younger than me)
I kept thinking about how he was graduating this year and possibly going off to college away and it was driving me crazy how he was just so content with going out with someone my age and actually hanging out with me instead of “senior partying” that I began to think it was bogus and he was maybe actually doing it. I was insecure thinking that he was doing things he wasn’t , getting extremely jealous and clingy for no reason.. One day I just blew up and told him everything .. and I know I’ve made him so upset but he still understands and sticks with me. he told me ” you don’t need to worry about anything. you know i love you .”
I very recently just fixed that issue and learned to relax with him. Ive begun to be more patient with him and happier instead of just thinking he doesn’t love me, etc.

I also began to try to be happier around my family more, I don’t really talk much to them (never really did. I’m very quiet , and have a resting face that makes me look miserable, but it angers them because they don’t understand) but my mother still says things like “stop laying around and get a job” “you don’t do anything” and i know my dad wants me to get a job.. I want a job but I also don’t.

I told them recently I want to go to cosmetology school and they were for it as long as financial aid was a thing for it. I love makeup and i think it might be a dream of mine . I don’t want to waste any more money , and I want to get money to be able to live.. i don’t even have my license yet or a car..

the thing is I want to be successful and I want to be able to really … actually work for an online thing like “youtube” make videos , help people, do makeup at the same time, i don’t know .. blog! that’d be a dream , but I can’t really. .
I don’t want to waste my time working a 9-5 job. I want to live and be happy and be stable . I know life isn’t always fucking roses, but I’ve had mostly bad days in life , and I just want things to work out for me. I literally watch youtube videos all day
normalbobsmith, ilikeweylie, pewdiepie, alex and mia, and so many others and I just love these people so much and I want to do what they do, but I lack the content or talent or products or skills…personality , or an exciting life oh , and the money..

I’ve been meditating more and it helps so much but man there’s only so much I can take . I know there are people with WORST problems then me I know. Abusive parents, anxiety, shyness, inferiority complexes, and being sad is something I deal with but I know people just have it so much worst and I should just push myself… but I’m just so locked up in a hole. I’m so scared. I need help