2 different men, 2 different histories, choice to make

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 24, 2018 at 5:31 pm #233103
Michelle
Participant
I think the answer is obvious.

Man #1 might not be a perfect match, but it is already apparent that Man #2 isn’t. I would cut my losses and explore the first guy further. However, I would go into it with no expectations realizing that sometimes it is better to be single than stay with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship. The right person will eventually enter your life.

Edited to add: you can love someone without feeling obligated to stay in a romantic relationship with them.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Michelle.
October 24, 2018 at 5:37 pm #233107

HoneyBlossom
Participant

Dear Ally,

From the way your post reads, it sounds very much like he has his children every night. Is this right?

I think you need to seriously ask yourself what he has to offer you.

I cant say anything about the other man because you really dont know him yet. However, he is a reminder to you that there are other men out there who would be interested in you who probably have much more to offer you than your current boyfriend

October 24, 2018 at 7:30 pm #233117

Allie
Participant

He and his technically have 50/50 custody but in reality, he has them 60% of the time. He loves his kids and is dedicated to them.

I used to spend every night with him and was around the kids whenever he was. I’ve decreased this time and am taking a bit of time to gain better balance in my life and reflect on these issues.

October 25, 2018 at 8:13 am #233255

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Allie:

You wrote that you love your boyfriend/partner very much and that he is willing to get married. Life with him and his children distressed you lately and you feel better away. But it doesn’t mean you should permanently stay away.

I suggest you do see that counselor with him, so to figure out a way that the two of you together can make it work. No longer fighting, but instead, resolving problem and conflicts peacefully and respectfully. With learning interpersonal skills and practicing those, including conflict resolution skills, the two of you, willing to work at it, can make it work

The other man, the fact that he is of your culture does not mean much, does it. I mean within your culture there are men who would be suitable for you and there are men who will not be suitable. He may be a good choice but you don’t know him yet and he doesn’t know you much either. With him, it will be starting at the beginning, getting to know each other.

What do you think?

anita

October 25, 2018 at 8:50 am #233271

Allie
Participant

All of you bring up good points. Guy 1 is making me remember I don’t have to be in a super stressful situation and that other men find me attractive. I’d always felt this but over the last 3 years have felt so overwhelmed by things with my current boyfriend that i’d forgotten what it a bit.

I love my boyfriend but I have been lied to, manipulated and treated less than I deserve. I know his desire to change is real. I know he doesn’t lie to me anymore. And he is willing to make any adjustments to work with me to get us to a health place. He has come a long way and doing his best to be the best father he can be. He works a high stress job and makes it to his kids every performance. He juggles a lot right now and I have compassion for him.

But still a small voice somewhere inside of me is saying that life would him may be filled with me having to be on guard and in the edge of conflict.

October 25, 2018 at 9:05 am #233279

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Allie:

Better than not go back to a life “in the edge of conflict”- regardless of Man 1. It is your right and primary responsibility to have the best life that is available to you. In-the-edge-of-conflict is not a good life.

I would choose then to not to choose Man 1 or Man 2, but to un-choose Man 2 because you know him enough to be concerned.

Once you do that, then you can get to know Man 1.

anita
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