Dear Melissa

I am sorry that things appear to be escalating. You are doing your best and it is heartbreaking to watch some one you love suffer.

Last year I read an interesting book called ” In case of spiritual emergency” by Catherine Lucas it was a bit of a hard read but it also gave a slightly different slant on things.

I agree with Anita about the hugging & rocking along with rubbing or gentle rhythmic stroking may help soothe a jagged nervous system both hers & yours.

I wish you & your family a safe & serene weekend

Roberta

Dear Melissa,

I just wanted to express to you my deer empathy towards you and your family in this matter. I’m also a mom a single one of a teenager whose life just got off track a bit as the Pandemic hit.  So the reason why I’m replying is because now that my child has been back to his high school in his JR year , after the first two weeks he has not been attending. I get out of bed at 6 am ya know the routine and he’s almost 6 feet tall so there’s not much I can do, except for speaking with him openly and encouraging him to keep open communication, although when you’d mentioned in your conversation that you assumed manipulation tactics I am curious sometimes because I know this generation of kids has grown up on an abundance of technology and then during lockdown they were in their rooms getting more experienced on their devices. Just wanted to share that I am a mentally I’ll individual and I do exactly what I’m supposed to do because if my mental space is compromised I can’t be good to me therefore in turn how good can I be as a mom which is my entire world! I treat it like this disease it is.  I have had a very difficult week with my own anxiety over this situation as well because in the last week alone his behavior has gotten worse than better it switches from being in school getting home not even snacks and passing out until the next day and is then unable to get up then back to hyper behavior on his PS4. I thank you for having courage to share because you’re not alone in fact I personally feel it’s not discussed enough. This has become an increasingly important topic and as a parent I don’t know what to do regarding my situation besides everything that I am currently doing. Ive had him in therapy so he’s making sure to check in with me too. I just feel so sad because he a very good student who cares about his education and intends to become a teacher and I know that he’s suffering from anxiety but I’m not sure which disorder because I’m no dr . So again , my point is I’d like to personally thank you because I have felt so alone and his dad doesn’t have a relationship with him so he is zeroed out of this and no family it’s tough but I remain hopeful positive and  a strong as a parent but kind of a friend as well. The fact is he’s a teenager so he doesn’t exactly know how to cope with everything and he’s trying to be strong. The current things I’m trying to do are like keep my household quiet and calm, I give him plenty of space, I tell him ok I’d like to check in sometime today please let me know when you’d like to talk, I help in whatever way I can. It affects us and our emotions as parents. I just can relate with how much you’re concerned and that is why I replied. Again I want to thank you for your kind words and I think you’re courageous to bring this up and also ask for help. Best of luck with your family.

Corrections to my above message & Another Thought

Melissa –

I apologize for the HTML in the message. Not sure what that’s about.

I meant to say, I agree with what Anita and Roberta said (also you)!

Maybe have your daughter join this forum and possibly help others experiencing similar. Especially if at her age. I am not sure of the age requirements to be on this forum but if allowed, I’m certain she could help others and herself at the same time. She may gain more clarity chatting with others going through similar.

D

Dear Melissa:

You are welcome. First, about mothering and guilt: “I know I am a good enough mother but not perfect… It’s not my fault but I feel guilty. But maybe I can atone for the unawareness now by trying to listen..“- being a mother in today’s world is a very, very… very difficult job. First, what mother can possibly be as calm as it takes- and consistently calm- in today’s world (climate change, political extremism, increasing crime, etc., etc.). Even if you were a perfect human specimen, Melissa, you wouldn’t be able to insulate and protect your children from all the perils that they face and will face outside your home.  There has been too much trauma and trouble in humanity for too long and no parent has come out of his/ her own childhood unscathed. (I am not explaining away or excusing abuse, not at all, but I don’t think abuse is the case when it comes to you and your daughter). So, please be easy on yourself, Melissa because you are a good mother!

“I will keep trying to understand and I told her I’m sorry I wasn’t able to delve into it when there were no clear symptoms“- sincerely trying to understand her and expressing remorse about not having understood her before… makes you a good mother.

“I wish I could hug her or rock her but she does not like anything like that. She will let me hug her for a second occasionally but I try not to because she prefers not to be touched. She does not like a lot of sensory things like certain noises, fabrics, food textures“-

– Tactile sensitivity or tactile defensiveness are terms used to describe the overreaction that occurs when someone is too sensitive to touch: the skin is too sensitive to the textures and tightness of clothes, to hair brushing, to the feel of sweat on the skin (when physically exerting oneself and/ or when it’s hot), etc…. it all feels uncomfortable. Autistic children and adults frequently report tactile defensiveness.

Hyperesthesia refers to increased sensitivity of any of one’s senses:  sight (lights feel too intense), sound (sounds feel too loud), touch, and smell. It can affect just one or all of one’s senses. “Children with autism, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are more likely to develop hyperesthesia… Hyperesthesia can be unsettling and may cause pain, fear, and anxiety in those who live with it. Hyperesthesia can exist on its own or as a symptom of another related health condition…. your doctors will try to diagnose the root cause so it can be treated effectively” (healthline. com).

“if she socializes she feels fake and worse after… It turns out that she had lots of anxieties growing up that we were not aware of. She was not able to express them so we did not know. She seemed happy on the outside, healthy, had friends. But inside she was anxious“- seems like she faked it for a long time so to appear happy and healthy and please you this way. I wonder if she feels guilty for no longer being able (or willing) to fake it anymore…?

anita