Tag: stress
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Why Trying to Feel Good Can Make You Feel Bad
“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” ~Paulo Coelho
We’re bombarded by images of people living apparently perfect lives. They suffer no bereavements or breakups or losses or failures. They look perfect, make perfect choices, and act perfect.
Everyone seems to love them as they sail from success to success, with zero misfortunes, mistakes, or regrets.
So, it’s easy to believe that we, too, need to be perfect.
I had a simple definition of success when I was younger. It was whatever made others admire, or at least accept me.
So, I aimed for better jobs. This was defined in terms of salary.
As a young doctor, I started out in a poorly paid job. I made it through a PhD, then an MBA. The research was impactful, but what excited me as much was that doors opened to me.
Instead of me chasing jobs, they started chasing me. I sought to double my salary. When that happened, I sought to double it again.
This game kept going, and to the world I was a success. My mother took pride in telling people what I did.
My life at home told a different story.
I had to travel a lot at a time when our children were young. Even though I tried to confine that to a week at a time, I was becoming a stranger to them.
A simple incident proved to be a turning point.
I was in our sitting room going through some notes before setting out for work. Our young son was playing. He became noisier and noisier.
My mind was on my notes, and his was on his play.
Then he started running up and down the sitting room. It was going well for him until I reacted.
He was probably imitating some noisy vehicle or airplane. At least that’s what it sounded like to me, as I tried to concentrate on my notes.
As he ran past me, I put my arm out to stop him.
Unfortunately, my adult arm was like a wall to him. Our little boy hit my arm and fell to the floor.
This remains one of the incidents I’m deeply ashamed of.
He burst into tears, and my partner rushed to pick him up and comfort him.
My job continued to be center stage, but the scales were starting to fall from my eyes.
I tried to make it up to him, visiting a motor show together. He loved the shiny cars, including the one Michael Schumacher had driven in the Formula One championship.
As he held my hand throughout our motor show visit, I began to experience more deeply the meaning of the saying “Love makes the world go round.”
The piles of responsibilities in my job began to weigh on me more heavily. I was walking a tightrope of stress, irritability, and worry.
A routine medical exam confirmed what I had suspected: I was an unfit, overweight wreck, in need of medication to keep my heart and circulation in working order. Our family life was far from the ideal picture that our beautiful home must have presented to the world. I was a well-paid but emotionally exhausted wreck.
We talked it over and my partner was very clear. Our family life too was beginning to resemble a wreck. The money was simply not worth it.
We should uproot ourselves and make a new life, whatever that brought.
Since then, I’ve been through many years of life experiences.
I went from being an absentee parent to making time to play with our children nearly every day. That remains one of the greatest sources of satisfaction to me.
I went from measuring success in purely financial terms to a wider definition of success. The spark that had gone out of our marriage was rekindled and the embers grew steadily into a new romance.
My passion for music making had been put on the back burner for years, but I’ve since nurtured it. I try to make some time each day to create music, and have had the good fortune to perform and record with some great musicians.
I started converting all my medical and scientific knowledge into practical actions. I lost inches from my waist and no longer needed any medication.
However, the biggest changes occurred in my inner life.
Stress, irritability, and worry used to bother me. I don’t mean just in terms of experiencing them. I mean being annoyed and angry with myself for not feeling good at all times.
Aren’t we all meant to try and feel good all the time? Isn’t that what makes a good life? Isn’t constant happiness our highest ideal?
We look online or in glossy magazines and see celebrities smiling and laughing on the red carpet. We see sages and gurus glowing. We see so many apparently perfect people living perfect lives.
Why can’t we feel good all the time?
I’ve come to understand that there’s something beyond happiness, something more substantial than a passing emotion.
It’s the joy of doing what you consider to be important and good. It involves recognizing what really matters to you. It involves gladly losing what is less important.
It’s living in better alignment with what you value, deep in your heart.
Does this bring good feelings all the time? No.
Sometimes it brings stress, as when you have to speak out for what you believe is right even when that’s against the tide. Or when you have to keep going when you’d rather give up. Or when you have to give up when you’d rather keep going.
Sometimes it brings low moods, as when everything seems to be going wrong. The stock market crashes, you lose a valued assignment, your friend has a misunderstanding with you, you have a raging argument with your partner, your treasured outcomes simply don’t happen, people don’t keep their word to you, or are spiteful to you, and so on.
Sometimes it brings fear, as when you have to try something you’re not entirely comfortable with or take risks that seem too big. Even the prospect of failure can bring fear.
Sometimes it brings guilt and shame, as when you do something you deeply regret or fail to keep your word.
Sometimes it brings self-doubt, as when everyone else is going left and you’re going right in life.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that the more you struggle to avoid difficult feelings, the worse life can get.
Imagine a great runner. On the track, the runner is invincible. They want to be invincible everywhere.
Put that same runner in quicksand and they’re in trouble.
The more they try to run their way out of the quicksand, the deeper they sink.
The way to cope with quicksand is to stop struggling and lie back. Eventually you’ll be rescued.
It can be the same with difficult feelings. After a point, they become like quicksand. Struggling with them beyond that point just sucks you in deeper.
It’s good to reach for pleasant feelings when they’re within easy reach.
However, when you start beating yourself up for feeling bad, then it’s time to remember quicksand.
Sometimes it’s better to lie back and float than to try and swim. This means allowing yourself to feel the full range of human emotions.
This doesn’t mean wallowing in your feelings. It means just letting them be. Not struggling with them.
You can still do what you consider to be good and important, within your capabilities. That helps take the sting out of difficult feelings.
That helps bring a profound joy that is beyond fleeting emotions.
It’s a kinder, gentler, and more fulfilling way of living. It’s great for your wellbeing, especially when life gets difficult.
Recently our grown-up children joined us for a short family break. We were on a deserted beach. Our son picked up a flat pebble and made it skim the water.
Soon, we were all competing to see who could get the most bounces.
I stood back for a moment, watching the scene, and thought to myself: life doesn’t get much better than this.
I wish I’d known as an unfit and emotionally exhausted forty-year-old what I know as a fit and joyful sixty-year-old. But they say sixty is the new forty. So it’s never too late, or too early, to start living better.
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20 Reminders That May Comfort You When You Feel Anxious
Your heart races. Your body temperature rises. Your hands may shake. Your stomach may churn.
Your thoughts start spiraling to the worst could that happen, and suddenly you feel so unequipped—like everything’s going to fall apart, and you won’t be able to handle it.
It can feel so powerless when anxiety takes over, almost like your brain and body are being hijacked, and there’s little you can do to feel safe or in control.
Except that’s not actually true. Though anxiety can have both physical and mental symptoms, and we can’t just will it away, there are things we can do to calm ourselves.
I know because, like most of us, I’ve been there many times before, and I’ve coped both poorly and well.
I’ve panicked about panicking, believed every anxious thought, judged myself as weak, and tried to numb my feelings with alcohol—these are things I’ve done more often than I care to admit.
I’ve also breathed deeply, observed my thoughts, treated myself with compassion, and chosen to embrace my feelings—more and more often as I’ve gotten older.
Since I know we have a lot more power than we think when it comes to managing anxiety, I recently asked this question on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page:
What’s one thing you try to remember when you feel anxious?
More than 1,000 people responded, which I appreciated both because their thoughts were comforting and also because this reminded me just how common anxiety is. It’s natural. It’s human. But we don’t have to let it control us.
Next time you’re feeling anxious, remember what these Tiny Buddha community members shared:
1. This will pass, and more quickly if you don’t resist it.
It’s a wave I must let hit me and ride until it passes. Fighting it prolongs it and turns it into a riptide. ~Lori Craven
If you just let the current carry you to where it will for a little while, the river will eventually spit you out. Just go with it and it’s going to be okay. ~Renee Breuer
2. You can and will get through this—and this can make you stronger.
I verbally acknowledge and remind my inner child that it’s okay, and “Adult Doug” will take care of it. That’s where the anxiety arises from. I know as an adult that my success rate of surviving any crises I’ve faced is 100%. My little inner “Doug” gets scared and feels anxious, afraid, and insecure, so I just tell him that I have it in control. ~Doug Marcum
I can handle whatever happens. I always have, one way or another. If things don’t work out the way I expect then that’s okay too. The anxiety will pass and I will be stronger afterward. ~Suzy Wedley
3. You are safe.
I breathe and repeat to myself: “I’m safe. I’m okay. I can take care of myself. I am powerful. I am significant.” Repeating it helps me refocus. ~Ida Zakin
The situation isn’t life or death. I’ll live to see another day despite the outcome. ~Claire Denney
My mantra: “It’s just adrenaline. It can’t hurt you. It will pass.” ~Chuck Striler
4. Your body is trying to protect you.
I’m not a dying zebra! I watched something that said stress is a natural part of our fight or flight response, which is helpful if you’re on the savanna running from a hungry lion. ~Jenn Miles
Anxiety is my body’s way of trying to protect me. My body has good intentions. It’s just a little misguided. I’m grateful for my body’s protection. ~Jenny Britt
5. The past and future cannot hurt you in the present.
I try to think about what is causing me anxiety, and it is typically a thought or thoughts about the past or future. I remind myself that I am okay in this moment, and all we ever have is this moment. It helps me. ~Angela Regan-Storvick
6. Thoughts can only hurt you if you give them power.
Since mine stems from thoughts that then spiral, I remind myself that thoughts are just that. They do not have to have meaning attached to them if I do not let them. Let them come in and out and give them no power, no meaning. Do not fuel them but let them come and go. They do not have to be reality, and most times they are not a reflection of reality or my true self, just plain old thoughts, and I do not have to react to every single one. ~April Rutledge
7. Worrying will not change the outcome.
I remind myself that my worrying will not change the outcome—never has and never will. Then I focus on what I’m grateful for, things that are beautiful and wonderful in my life right now. And lastly I repeat this: “I let go and I trust that I am being taken care of.” ~Joie Kreze
8. What’s worrying you is temporary.
I try to remind myself that whatever is causing my anxiety is temporary and if I’m patient, it will be resolved. ~Jess Swanson
I try very hard to remember that for most situations, they will pass whether I get all stressed out or not. ~Karen Jane Lehman
9. You have everything you need.
I try to remind myself that I have what I need: air, water, food, clothing, shelter. Then I remind myself to keep things in perspective and that I can choose how I am. ~Lorna Lewis
10. You’re stronger than you think.
I get anxiety over little things and I have to remind myself of how much I have overcome. If I can get through two brain surgeries, four different types of radiation treatment, Thyroidectomy for Thyroid Cancer, and a left neck dissection, I can get through the little stuff. Sometimes you just have to push through the discomfort of the situation and see it will be fine. ~Sara Ruggiero
11. There’s a lot going right.
I concentrate on what positive is going on right now this minute. I am safe, I am not hungry, I have a good job, a husband that loves me, my family is safe and healthy. I keep going until I feel the tension fading. Then slowly but surely I can clear my head enough to take on what lies ahead of me. ~Birgit Gerwig
Things could be worse. I have my health. I try to count my blessings. ~Colleen Tayler
12. You are loved and supported.
I think of all the people who love me. I picture their faces and I imagine myself surrounded by a bubble of love, and as I’m breathing deeply I’m breathing that love in and out. ~Conni Wrightsman
13. Things often aren’t as bad as they seem.
Four by four, how will I feel about this? Will it still seem huge and overwhelming looking back in four days, four weeks, four months, four years? It helps me to put things in perspective . ~Jacqui Learmonth
I ask myself, “Am I, or is someone I love in danger right now, in this moment?” 99.9% of the time, the answer is no, so I do some breathing and relaxation exercises to calm my mind and deal with the situation from a healthier perspective. ~Celeste Rothstein
I ask myself: What are the most important things in my life, and then focus on that. What I am stressing about usually isn’t one of the important things. ~Nicole Neubauer
14. You can calm yourself by focusing on your breath.
Give your brain a simple task. Sit and breathe. Stare at a wall. Put yourself in time out and inhale slowly. You are not wasting your time. Thoughts will float into your mind. Let them keep floating. Re-align your spine as you sit. And breathe. Take ten minutes if you can. If you can’t, even a minute is better than nothing. ~Dabe Charon
Inhale for four counts, hold for seven counts, exhale for eight counts. ~Lisa Martinez
Breathe. If that doesn’t work I run. It forces me to regulate my breathing. This will calm my body down forcing my mind to calm down as well. ~Carolyn Stennard
15. Trust can sometimes be the antidote to anxiety.
Trust and anxiety are mutually exclusive so focus on trust, whatever you can trust at the moment, and anxiety moves out. ~Alexia Bogdis
16. It helps to focus on what you can control.
“One step at a time.” I tend to become anxious because I worry and overthink things that I can’t control and may or may not happen in the future. So I started to think this in my head whenever I notice the feeling creeping up. To take action one step at a time on something that I can control and let the rest run its course. ~Adelia Benalius
17. You don’t need to have everything figured out right now.
Sometimes it’s not enough to take it day by day. Sometimes, it’s hour by hour, or even minute by minute. And if I breathe and stay calm, I can make better decisions to effect positive change with the situation with which I’m dealing. ~Susan Stephenitch
18. Getting it out can help you let it go.
Write it down, get it off your chest, relax, make a plan of attack. Do something instead of worrying. Don’t let it take away today’s peace. Nothing stays the same! ~Lisa Marie Wilson
19. You deserve your own love and compassion.
Anxiety can often come from a place of judgment of the self. Stop, breathe, and surrender to self-compassion. ~Christine Strauss
20. You are not alone.
Know you’re not alone. Others are struggling with something as well. We’re all in this together! ~Melanie Rn
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What helps you when you feel anxious?
**Most responses were edited for spelling and grammar, and some are part of larger comments not included in full.
UPDATE: Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal is now available for purchase! You can grab your copy here.
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6 Things My Heroes Taught Me About Overcoming Hard Times
“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.” ~Christopher Reeve
It all happened so suddenly that it felt just like a flash flood. One minute the road was clear and drivable, and the next it was a raging river. Before I knew what happened, my life went from being only slightly a mess to being a complete mess, my car teetering on the edge of the water, ready to go for a swim at any minute.
I had left a job I liked and found a job I thought I would love, but didn’t end up loving at all.
I had hurt a good friend who was extremely important to me, and is now out of my life for the most part.
I felt like a financial mess from constantly playing catch up and living paycheck to paycheck, and I was going to have to move out of an apartment and town I really loved.
It’s funny how when even just one thing is going great, all the other things that aren’t going so hot are manageable. But if nothing is okay, then everything seems insurmountable and completely overwhelming.
Faced with more doom and gloom than I could stand, I wanted to melt into my bed and never get back up. And honestly, for a few days I did.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what was going on. I didn’t want to admit defeat or ask for help. Even my very best friends only knew bits and pieces of what was going on inside my head. And honestly, the one person I would have bared my soul to, the person who I always ran to with stuff like this, was no longer speaking to me.
So now what? I realized that if I didn’t want to talk to the people who inspired me most, I could still apply what I had learned from them. They had taught me so much over the years through their advice, and their example, that through them, I found my way.
1. You can cry for five minutes and then you have to put your big girl pants on and deal with it.
One of my best friends, and someone whose strength I really admire, taught me that life isn’t going to wait for you to have a pity party; it’s going to go on without you.
She always says to her kids and friends, “Where does crying get you? Nowhere.” So, while it’s okay to cry a little and allow yourself some much-needed time to wallow, eventually that has to end.
Spend a weekend in bed with some feel-good movies and junk food, journal your feelings, take a long hot bath, cry and scream into your pillow, and indulge in some self-care and pampering. But don’t get stuck there. It is so easy to get stuck there.
Give yourself a cut off time to pull it together and start to figure out how you are going to get through this bump in the road. Becoming a blubbering mess isn’t an option, as tempting as it is.
2. Laughter is the best medicine.
You have to have a sense of humor about your situation. Laughter can bring down blood pressure and relieve stress. You’d be doing yourself and your health a favor to find some humor each day in the ridiculousness that you are going through. There’s even something called laughter yoga, which in and of itself is funny, but honestly, they are on to something. Have you ever felt bad after a good laugh?
If you’re so miserable you can’t think of anything funny, don’t go it alone. Hang out with a friend who can usually make you laugh, or call someone who does the same. I usually call my mom because she inspired this advice, and every time we talk about the crazy stuff going on in our lives, we always end up laughing about it.
3. What you did before won’t work now if you want a different outcome.
These next three pearls of wisdom, about taking action and setting goals, come from a mentor and dear friend who’s advised me over the years.
You have cried, you have laughed, and now it’s time to think about how you got here.
True, some situations are completely unavoidable, and life can deal us some horrible blows we could not have anticipated. However, if you contributed to your current situation, even in the smallest way, you have to reflect on what got you there.
That shouldn’t take long—it should be glaringly obvious where you went wrong—but the key here is to actually change that behavior. That’s the hard part, and honestly, something that has to be continuously worked on.
I eventually realized that I needed to change my impulsive decision making after it caused me to lose a relationship that was very dear to me, among other things. Consciously making the decision to work on it daily, and seeing the change that choice has made in my life gave me back a sense of pride, and makes the sting of that mistake more bearable.
However, it’s easy to do this while in the midst of dealing with the fallout of a miscalculation or mistake. You think, man I’ll never do that again, what was I thinking? I’m going to change! But then when all is right with the world and these troubles are a distant memory, you can slip back into old habits.
Unless you make a commitment to stay aware and work daily to change, and stay changed for the better, you will find yourself back here again, and again, and again.
4. A plan is only good if it is actionable, and you take action.
As you start to feel better, you will want to come up with a plan. It’s amazing how empowering it is to tackle the problem head on and figure out what outcome you want and what you need to do to get there. But is it realistic? Is it something that will make your current situation and your future better?
Here’s a tip: It shouldn’t be the first plan you think of. Usually that one is the easiest, “the quick solve,” and it won’t get you where you want to be in the long run. You have to think long and hard about what you really want, how you feasibly can get there, and if it is doable at this time with the resources you have.
Make sure your working toward what you want every day, and tweaking as you go if it starts to look like you aren’t making any headway. Checking in with yourself and staying grounded will help you stick to the plan and see success.
Usually when I make a plan I think a lot about what I want, not necessarily what I need. I decided to keep my head out of the clouds this time, and made a more realistic plan then I usually would have.
I had to accept some unwelcome changes (moving, new financial situation, loss), but knew those things were necessary to be successful this time around. In the process I found a new career I love, and am on my way to overcoming months of remorse over past situations.
5. Suck it up and do what you have to do to get where you want to be.
A few years ago, the good friend and mentor I mentioned earlier suggested that, to catch up on bills and get out from behind my current financial situation, I should give up my car. That way I would save money by not having a monthly car or insurance payment. After a few months of saving and catching up I could buy a used car outright. She suggested taking the bus and getting rides from friends when needed in the meantime.
Aghast, I told her there was no way I could do that.
“Why not? Because it would be too hard?” she had pointedly asked.
I just told her I wasn’t willing to give up my car, and instead, decided on a quick solve that fixed the problem for the moment, but not in the long run. I never got to exactly where I wanted to be financially.
Now looking back, I see the wisdom in what she was suggesting. Sometimes we need to make a sacrifice and do something unpleasant to get to a better future.
Nothing worthwhile comes by walking an easy, breezy path, and it shouldn’t. I thought about this a lot when recently deciding to move somewhere much cheaper so I could save money and catch up. Sure, it wasn’t what I wanted to do, but it was necessary to get on the right track.
It can be really hard to decide to bite the bullet and do something difficult that you really don’t want to do, but once you’re through it on the other side you will be glad, and proud, that you did.
6. Keep believing that the best is yet to come.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, or how wrong things have gone, there’s always potential for a better tomorrow. It’s not going to stay this way forever; it can’t. Don’t get so bogged down in the misery of today that you forget to get excited for the future, and what you’re doing to make it a good one.
A close friend and soul sister of mine had a bumper sticker that read: Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen. She helps remind me that you have to keep the hope inside you alive, because nothing is so far gone that it cant be fixed, or grow into something new and better. In the meantime, life is passing you by.
Find some good in your day and appreciate it in between all the wallowing, planning, and doing. You don’t want to miss out on months of your life because something bad happened and now that has become your entire focus.
It could even be something as small as a walk with your dog, or the smell of fresh air blowing in through your window. Every day has something to enjoy, even for a moment, before we get back to going hard after our goals.
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Boost Your Happiness: 10 Mindfulness Tips for Busy People
“There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Do you ever feel as though you would be happy if only things were a little different?
You know that happiness is important, but you keep putting it on the backburner because there simply isn’t enough time to prioritize your own inner joy.
And at the same time, you know that meditation would help, but you can’t even imagine where you’re going to get the spare time you need to sit still and meditate.
In an ideal world, we would schedule moments every day in which to cater to our health needs, because health and well-being are paramount. Yet despite our best efforts we will inevitably face those times when we’re busy every minute of the day. I know I’ve been there.
A few years ago I moved country while pursuing life as a freelance journalist. I was working non-stop for a less than minimum wage, and I had zero time to focus on my mental health.
Life became unbearably stressful. And while I knew that I could stop the stress if I meditated, I simply couldn’t work out how I would ever get the time to do it.
My happiness drifted further and further away. Stress built. Anxiety hit hard. And with zero free time I simply couldn’t find a way out of my misery.
I knew meditation was the key. I just didn’t have the time for it. So I made a choice. Instead of meditating the old-fashioned way, sitting still doing nothing, I would find ways to meditate while still being productive. That way I could work on my happiness while still doing everything I needed to do.
The key was mindfulness.
By simply being present and living in the moment, I could meditate while getting things done.
This was a total game-changer for me. Suddenly I had all the time in the world to practice mindfulness because I could do it while still being productive.
I was mindful day and night. I would eat meals mindfully, walk mindfully, read my email mindfully… whatever I needed to do I would do mindfully.
Suddenly I had gone from having no time to meditate to making mindfulness an integrated part of my life.
All mindful moments were helpful at this time. But there were ten mindful practices that I found particularly valuable. And even though today I keep a much healthier schedule and make sure not to spread myself too thin, I still use these practices.
Whether you’re going through a busy time or looking for an alternative to traditional seated-meditation, you can use these techniques to boost your mindfulness while saving time.
1. Walk mindfully.
Walking is one of the most relaxing exercises in the world. But it can be all too easy to ruin a good walk by thinking too much. When walking, be mindful of the world around you, paying attention to your five senses. Alternatively, meditate on the feeling of movement in your legs, which is a practice used in Zen walking.
2. Eat mindfully.
Eating mindfully is one of the most wonderful things we do for both body and mind. When we eat mindfully we become more aware of the food we are eating. This makes us more appreciative of food and of the digestive process, and also makes us more likely to eat healthily. Take time eating meals, and focus on the food.
3. In a queue? Meditate.
Here’s a great time-saving tip. When you’re in a queue, meditate. You’re standing still doing nothing anyway, and you could be there for a good few minutes, so why not make the most of the time?
Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Or, if you don’t feel comfortable with your eyes closed in public, gaze at a wall or something else that is not distracting, and focus on breathing. This is a great way to actually make use of time that would otherwise be wasted.
4. Meditate on the bus.
This is my all time favorite mindfulness practice. I’m frequently using the bus in order to help cut emissions, and my trips range from half an hour to well over an hour. That’s time that would be utterly wasted. But by meditating I actually get something out of my time on the bus.
Personally, I’m always happy to sit with my eyes closed and look a little bit funny doing so. But if you prefer not to draw attention to yourself, keep your eyes open and simply drop your gaze to a forty-five-degree angle. Now focus on your breath.
5. Exercise with body and mind.
Oftentimes when we’re exercising the body thoughts are still ruminating in the mind. Big mistake. Physical exercise can be used as training for both body and mind. All we need to do is focus while we exercise.
Some exercises are more conducive to this than others. Yoga, tai chi, and Qigong are all excellent mind and body exercises, and running can be another good choice. Other exercises such as weight-lifting and competitive team sports are less appropriate.
6. Actually watch the TV.
How often do we have the TV on without actually focusing on it? We’ve got some random show playing in the background while we’re thinking of what to make for dinner or what we have to do at work. This creates a rift between our reality and what’s occurring in the mind. And this is detrimental to mental health.
When watching the TV, actually set aside an hour or so in which to genuinely watch a show. Focus on the show. And when it is over turn off the TV.
7. Lie down in body and mind.
Lying down is, of course, an act of rest. But too often when we lie down we rest the body while still working the mind. How many times have you gone to bed worrying about the next day? Such moments are not genuine rest, and they certainly are not conducive to good sleep.
When lying down with the body, we should lie down with the mind too. To do this, focus the mind on the body. Focus on the body at rest.
Begin by focusing on the crown of your head. Notice what sensations are there. Is there any tension? If so, imagine breathing fresh air into that area. The fresh air relaxes. It carries away the tension.
Once the crown of your head is relaxed, move down to your forehead and repeat the process there.
Continue one step at a time, progressing through your eyes, nose, mouth, neck and so on, all the way to your feet.
Your entire body will now be utterly relaxed. Focus on it. Be mindful of your entire body. Particularly be aware of the sense of relaxation. Keep the mind there, your consciousness evenly spread across your whole body.
This is lying down in mind as well as in body. It is an immensely relaxing experience and one of the best ways of refreshing the mind.
8. Really listen.
Everyone loves a good listener, and listening can be an act of mindfulness too. All we need do is pay absolute attention to the person speaking. When doing this, we do not judge their voice or what they are saying, and we do not worry about how we are going to respond; we simply focus on the sound of the other person’s voice.
9. When working, work.
Let’s be completely honest, most of us do not focus on work 100% unless the boss is standing next to us. Instead, we’re thinking about how we want to get out of the office, how we’d rather be at home or out having fun. But dreaming about not working while we’re at work simply makes us miserable.
When we focus the mind 100% on the work we’re doing we come to actually enjoy our jobs. So, when writing, write. When selling, sell. And when listening to that angry customer’s complaints, listen. This will stop work from feeling like a chore and make it a pleasurable, mindful experience.
10. Listen to the kettle and meditate on the drink.
As an Englishman, my kettle is turned on far too many times throughout the day, and I do delight in drinking far too much tea. (It’s usually green, so at least I’ve got that going for me.)
One way to make a cup of tea or coffee even better is to meditate on it. Meditate on the sound of the kettle when it is boiling. Focus on the process of making the tea or coffee. And drink mindfully. This will make you appreciate the drink more, while also increasing present-moment-mindfulness.
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Mindfulness needn’t take time. We can be mindful while doing the things we need to do. And in the process, we can boost our happiness and health without losing time.
The ten tips we’ve looked at provide ways to boost mindfulness while saving time. And there are many similar tips.
What is your favorite way of being mindful?
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How to Get Out of Your Head and Stop Overthinking Everything
“It’s not a matter of letting go, you would if you could. Instead of ‘Let it go,’ we should probably say ‘Let it be.’” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn
I always believed that a busy mind was a bad thing.
And for a large part of my life, it was.
Looking back, I don’t ever recall a time when I wasn’t caught up in my thoughts. There was always a “narrator” in my head. A constant commentary.
I tried meditating but would spend ten agonizing minutes trying desperately to push my thoughts away or make them stop, which we know is impossible. Not thinking wasn’t unlike attempting to separate a limb from my body. Yup, such was my attachment to my thoughts.
Yoga presented yet another futile attempt at mindfulness. I’d notice the other participants perfectly present and focused, while my mind would be hammering away, comparing me to others, debating why I was actually there, or criticizing my performance.
The uninformed might think that only “negative” overthinking is the problem. However, in my experience over analysis or overthinking of any topic or event (even really happy ones) generally leads to a bad feeling place.
For example, if someone paid me a compliment I would more often than not talk myself into believing that I wasn’t deserving of it. That the person in question was simply being kind, or feeling pity for me.
Back then I felt trapped. My thinking mind was something I feared. It could start up at any time and unravel me. I would long to be able to simply switch it off.
I over-analyzed everything. Simple conversations would become unnecessarily intense and uncomfortable. I found hidden meanings in every innuendo.
My thinking knew no limits. It would scrutinize the past, present, and future. And boy, could it create some intense stories—none of which were true, of course.
I felt cursed. Burdened. Why couldn’t I be normal??
And, of course, those near and dear to me reflected that back to me.
“Get out of your head!”
“Don’t overthink everything!”
“Why do you need to analyze everything??”
And my personal favorite…
“It must be exhausting being you.”
It was exhausting. I was at constant war with myself. Was there a way to think less? Could I dummy-down my thoughts?
In desperation, I learned how to smother my thinking. Food, drama, and bad relationships became my vices. They enabled me to co-exist with my manic mind.
I was simply a victim of my thinking. Out of control.
Until I happened upon a new understanding about our thinking.
It’s an understanding that’s completely changed my life, about how our thinking is separate from who we truly are.
We are not our thoughts. Nope, quite the opposite.
We have a constant stream of thoughts meandering through our minds. That’s part of being human. However, we get to choose which of those to engage with.
Author and blogger Pam Grout has a brilliant analogy for thoughts: They’re like a line of ants marching across your picnic blanket. You can choose to observe them as they keep on marching straight off the other side of the blanket and disappear, or you can choose to scoop them up and interact with them. Make them your focus. Fuss over them. And they’ll probably bite you too.
But there’s your power: It’s your choice.
You decide which thoughts you pay attention to.
Because thoughts come and go. All the time. And that’s normal.
If you’re able to observe the fact that you’re overthinking, then you’re already noticing the separation of you and your mind.
It really is that simple.
Like anything new, it’s taken time (and practice) for me to allow this understanding to really resonate and to notice the benefits, of which there are many. To name a few:
- I’m more accepting of what is. I no longer feel the need to intellectualize and/or judge every facet of my life. And with that comes a real sense of ease.
- I experience far more contentment. A busy mind often ends in a dark place if left untethered. By not engaging in the endless chatter, feelings of contentment have become a familiar friend.
- I’m more empowered. Knowing that I can choose which thoughts to engage has removed any sense of victimhood I previously felt.
As with any new habit, persistence is the key.
What I’ve realized is that I don’t have to stop thinking, I simply need to be selective about whether I believe my thinking. Because most of our thoughts are just stories we make up, often regretting the past or worrying about the future.
Most aren’t true. At all.
I used to be a bit of a helicopter parent. I admit it.
So when my daughter reached the age of legal driving and nightclubbing, my over-thinking mind went into overdrive. She would go out with her friends (as young adults do), and I would have an internal meltdown. Quite literally.
My mind would imagine every worst-case scenario possible, in great detail.
Car accidents. Date rape. Abduction. You name it, I imagined it.
And it would replay over and over and over again in my mind, until I was a knot of nerves and worry. Sleep just wasn’t ever an option.
I would start texting her from about midnight, just to check she was alive. (I was that bad…)
When she finally got home in the early hours, I would feel such a flood of relief it was almost overwhelming.
It was exhausting experiencing such intense emotion from one end of the scale to the other.
Yet, it was all a result of my thinking. That’s all.
And after a year of this roller-coaster ride I finally took action. Not with my daughter—with me. Or my thinking, to be more precise.
This flood of thoughts that invaded my mind each time she ventured out would always be there, but it was my choice whether I took them seriously or not.
So I started acknowledging their presence when they showed up, then I let them flow through me. I reasoned with myself that her life was hers to live, and that I had no control over her destiny. And that made it easier. Because that’s the truth.
If I felt that familiar knot of anxiety in my gut, I would remind myself that none of those thoughts were real. I was okay. She was okay.
And in time, it got easier. I worried less and less. I even managed to sleep while she was out!
Nowadays, I only really listen to my thinking when it’s telling nice stories. Stories that makes me feel good. The rest of the time I either consciously change my thinking direction toward better feeling thoughts, or I just let my mind waffle on, without paying attention.
It’s a bit like having the radio on in the background. And when a song starts that I like, I pay attention.
Yup, I choose when to pay attention.
No exceptions.
My thinking doesn’t control me anymore. I control how I engage with it.
My busy mind is my ally. My friend. My inner play-mate.
And one of the things that makes me, me.
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5 Reasons Why I Tried Mindfulness and How It’s Changed My Life
“We have only now, only this single eternal moment opening and unfolding before us, day and night.” ~Jack Kornfield
Almost two years ago, I kept seeing the word “mindfulness” pop up everywhere I was looking, and I had no clue what it was.
I kept seeing blog posts with titles like How Mindfulness can Help You at Work¸ How Mindfulness can Help You in Relationships, and How Mindfulness can Help You in the Bedroom.
Then, I saw a short video explaining mindfulness. It was a monk drinking coffee, and the narrator was talking about how much better the coffee tastes when you think about the beans being grown, the people who harvest the beans, and everything else that goes into making your simple cup of coffee.
Everything I was seeing from pop-culture blogs made it seem like this thing called mindfulness was this snake oil that could solve all of life’s problems. Although I was skeptical and had no clue what I was getting into, I decided that I was going to keep an open mind and see what mindfulness was all about.
For me, it was a quick and easy sell from the moment I started practicing because everything just “clicked” for me.
As someone who tries to encourage everyone to give it a try, I’ve learned that people don’t often have the same experience. So, if you’re someone who is thinking about trying the practice or giving up, I hope this will give you some motivation to keep moving forward.
1. Time is our most valuable currency, and we can’t waste it.
In June of 2012, I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the age of twenty-six, and the doctors told me there was a slim chance that I’d live more than another year. Well, here we are five years later; I’m alive, and I’ve been able to watch my son grow into an amazing young man. My heart is almost completely back to normal, and it’s blown my doctor’s mind.
With this second chance at life, I made a commitment to myself that I was going to experience every day to its fullest with a goal to waste as little time as possible, because tomorrow isn’t promised.
I know, my situation is a little bit more extreme than most, but I believe this is something we can all get behind. We’ve all had unexpected tragedy in our life from losing a job, a relationship, or a loved one. Since tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to make the most of today. I thought that this was exactly what I was doing until I discovered mindfulness.
When I took my first course on mindfulness, some questions started to come up that I had never even asked myself because I didn’t realize they were questions that needed to be asked.
- When was the last time I sat in awareness of simply noticing gravity keeping me grounded on Earth?
- My breath happens twenty-four hours a day, seven days per week, but how often do I notice it?
- How many times do I drive from point A to point B without noticing one part of my experience because I’m stuck in my head?
These last five years I thought I was making the most of each day, but there was so much that I was missing. I mindlessly drive to work, eat food, have conversations, and engage mindlessly in many other situations. Mindfulness helps keep me fully present and engaged with as many moments in my life so I don’t miss anything.
2. Mindfulness is backed by science.
I’ve been an extremely skeptical person my entire life. Maybe it stems from the trust issues I developed as a kid. My father always taught me that if it sounds like it’s too good to be true, it usually is.
In order to sell me on trying anything new, I need some very clear-cut evidence and scientifically backed research that this thing is going to work. Like I said, my time is extremely valuable to me, so I’m not going to waste my time trying something that doesn’t have any evidence to back it up.
Around the same time that I discovered mindfulness, I also learned that I’m fascinated by neuroscience. One of the most interesting parts of the brain is the prefrontal cortex. While it’s the youngest part, it also has some of the most important responsibilities, including:
- Emotional regulation
- Impulse control
- Body regulation
- Making logical decisions
- Empathy
- Connectedness to others
- Self-awareness
The problem with us as humans is that our limbic system (our primitive instincts to react) often overrides the prefrontal cortex. However, scientific evidence shows that a regular mindfulness practice helps strengthen that part of the brain.
Basically, if I wanted to get stronger biceps, I know which weight-lifting exercises I could do. If I wanted to increase my stamina, I’d probably do some cardio. So, if I want to improve all of the abilities listed above, I should practice mindfulness because it strengthens the prefrontal cortex. I can debate with the best of them, but I’ll never argue against scientific evidence.
3. My mind is a boat without an anchor.
I am one of those people with a mind that never stops. This is something that I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I don’t think it’s any form of ADD, but I have a brain that’s constantly planning, coming up with new ideas, and trying to find solutions to problems.
This is a gift and a curse. The way my mind works has helped me excel at many different jobs because my brain is wired to always think about how I can improve what I’m doing. The issue is that there’s a time and a place for this, and when I’m in the middle of a conversation or doing an important project with a mind that takes off, it can get me into a bit of trouble.
I also noticed that sometimes my mind would end up in the weirdest places sometimes. I could be sitting at my desk at work, and after zoning out for a few minutes, for some reason I’m thinking about a scene from a 90s TV show, and I’m wondering how I got there. It’s like driving your car to buy groceries and somehow ending up at the park and thinking, “How on earth did I get here?”
I always thought that I was one of the only people this happened to, but it’s extremely common. Our brains have tens of thousands of thoughts per day, and my mindfulness taught me that’s alright. It becomes a problem when we don’t notice where our thoughts are taking us.
By using different anchors like my breath or anchor words like “thinking,” I’m able to catch my thoughts drifting sooner rather than later.
I often say that instead of my mind taking me five hundred miles off of its course, now it only takes me about five miles off course.
This has also allowed me to find humor in my own thoughts, which helps me out incredibly with self-esteem issues.
I have a brain that can quickly turn an anthill into a mountain. For example, maybe I said, “Good morning!” to the receptionist when I arrived at work, and she didn’t reply. My mind used to start over-analyzing that situation immediately with thoughts like “Maybe she’s mad at me,” “I wonder what I did wrong,” and “I wonder if I’m about to get fired because nobody here likes me.”
My mind used to take a hard turn to the off-ramp leading to crazy town, but now I can catch it and simply giggle to myself about where my mind went to.
4. Mindfulness helps you deal with emotions in a new way.
One of my mindfulness instructors discussed how nobody teaches us, when we’re children, that life and emotions can be intense, and I immediately related to him in that aspect. My emotional regulation has been off since I was a child. I don’t just feel things; I FEEL things.
I think of my emotions as being on a line that goes from -10 to +10 with 0 being in the middle. Whenever I felt anything, positive or negative, it was always at a -10 or +10, and both of these can hurt me.
Learning about mindfulness taught me what equanimity means, and that’s something I knew that I needed in my life. I always had issues not just getting sad, but getting depressed. I wouldn’t get worried; I’d get anxiety. I wouldn’t get angry; I’d get furious. And whenever I started to like someone, I’d fall head over heels in love with them.
My other issue was that my expectations would cause me to cling to optimism at a +10, and if the situation didn’t pan out, I’d fall to a -10 because I was up too high.
The Buddhist teaching talks about how grasping can lead to suffering, and it made sense. I would grasp at emotions whether they were positive or negative. In both situations, this was like holding onto a hot coal for far too long.
Maybe I was letting something from earlier in my day ruin the rest of my day. Maybe the exciting plans I had for after work was distracting me from getting my job done. Mindfulness helps me simply notice what my emotion is, and let it be exactly what it is in that moment.
This is easier said than done with good emotions, but what about the bad ones? The practice also teaches me about impermanence and that no negative emotion is going to last forever.
Now, I’m able to sit with my emotion and turn toward it and accept it. I can see my emotion as a leaf that’s gently floating down a stream past me. Knowing that my negative emotion will eventually pass allows me to embrace it without trying to resist what I’m experiencing in that very moment.
5. It helps my son.
As a parent, we’re always looking for something to do with our children, and mindfulness is something that helps me be a parent and helps my son manage his thoughts and emotions. I was practicing for about six months when I realized how beneficial it would be for my son to begin practicing with me.
We were on vacation in Southern California visiting my best friend. On the last day of the trip, we took my son to the boardwalk, which was full of everything that he loved. He could play video games at the arcade, eat some boardwalk junk food, and spend time at the beach. Unfortunately, he was having a very bad day, which started as an attitude problem and evolved into him breaking down in tears.
I had been trying everything to cheer him up on this last day of our vacation, but nothing was working. I thought maybe he was hungry, so we got food. My head told me he was being ungrateful, which can trigger my negative reactions. I thought maybe we were doing too many adult things, so we tried the arcade, but that didn’t work. What was wrong?
He was tired, but he didn’t realize it.
My son was seven at this time, and I have to remember that he doesn’t have the knowledge or experience that I do.
Everything he’s experiencing is new for him, and not only is it difficult for him to communicate his feelings to me, but oftentimes he doesn’t even know what he’s feeling. When we finally sat down and took a minute, he explained that he was extremely tired and he didn’t sleep the night before.
As soon as we returned from that trip, I started teaching him mindfulness, and I’ve seen him change so much over the last nine months. He’s able to identify his emotions much sooner, and he has his own tools to calm himself down.
He realizes when he’s worried about the future, and he uses his breath to come back to the moment. He loves doing loving/kindness practices and sending kind thoughts to his little brother, friends, family and sometimes complete strangers. He even did a presentation on mindfulness for his 2nd grade project!
I thought that I was happy and content with life before, but my life has grown exponentially better with my consistent practice. Each day, I learn more about myself as well as life.
If I ever stopped growing from my practice, I’d probably stop, but my experience as well as the experience of others shows me that we continue to grow each day. So, whether you’re at a lull in your practice or thinking about trying mindfulness, just keep moving forward toward enlightenment.
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Letting Go of the Worry That Weighs Us Down
“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” ~Eckhart Tolle
As a child, I remember my daily walks to elementary school. It was an uphill walk for the most part. Quite symbolic of later years, now that I think about it.
I would walk to school every morning with my backpack filled to the brim with things that weren’t even necessary for my day at school. I had extra clothes, toys, and books. It was so heavy that after a few months the straps would begin to break down due to the pressure.
Fast forward a few decades and the backpack I was carrying was a metaphorical one yet just as heavy, if not more. A backpack filled with spinning thoughts and unnecessary worries.
I often visualized it as a backpack filled with bricks, with every spinning thought and worry symbolizing its own brick. I’m fairly sure I had enough bricks to build myself a 10,000 square foot home.
It got to the point where the bag was so heavy, some days all I could do was stay in bed and sleep to relieve the pressure.
The constant worry over every aspect of my life, big or small, would consume me.
On any given day I could wake up and worry about things such as my social anxiety escalating to the point of a panic attack to not consuming my protein shake in an adequate time after my workout.
It was exhausting, yet on some level comforting because I believed I was maintaining some level of control with all the worry.
However, it wasn’t control at all; it was simply another uphill walk carrying a heavy, unnecessary, self-imposed weight on my back.
I didn’t unload my backpack overnight, but gradually as I strengthened my trust muscle.
I strengthened this muscle when I started letting go of the tight grip I was trying to maintain over my life and trusting that everything would work out for the best when I stopped trying to control everything.
When you think about it, gripping something tightly with your hands is forceful, hard to maintain, and tiring.
And it’s no different in life.
When you choose to have faith that everything is going to work out for the best, when you release the struggle, that is when your backpack will become lighter, and you will no longer have to spend your life walking uphill.
Do you remember being a child and running down a hill? How you could go so fast, it almost felt like you were flying.
You didn’t think about where you would land at the bottom. You didn’t try to control your speed. Heck, you didn’t even worry that you could possibly trip and take a massive face plant.
You just ran with all your might. And if you fell and scraped your knee or maybe even took that face plant, you would cry to fully release the pain but you knew you would be okay and would be back to run that hill again.
I now believe you will know you have emptied your backpack of all its bricks when every day becomes like running down a hill like a child.
So here is what I learned on my journey to lighten my backpack filled with ‘bricks.’
Other people’s bricks do not belong in your backpack.
I believe the sensitive souls and the caregivers of this world tend to carry the greatest amount of other people’s bricks.
Let’s take my backpack, for example. For years I carried around my parents’ worry around having enough money for basic necessities.
After witnessing and emotionally absorbing my parents’ struggle from being financially abundant in the 1980s to desperately trying to keep their business afloat during the early 1990s recession, my backpack was overflowing with a weight that was never meant to be mine.
It wasn’t until about five years ago that I realized I had been carrying around these worries needlessly.
I wasn’t struggling with money; in fact, I was doing quite well financially, yet I had this underlying fear of not being able to provide for my daughter and that my financial means would be taken away suddenly.
I was basically recreating my parents’ worry from twenty years prior.
So how do you lessen the weight of others?
Often all it takes is the realization that other people’s expectations and worries about the world do not need to become ones you hold for yourself.
They cannot become yours unless you allow it.
It’s also important to note that you carrying their weight doesn’t free them of the weight, it simply multiplies it.
You came into this world with zero bricks, you will leave this world with zero bricks, so it makes sense to live your present life the same way.
All this pressure we carry around is simply the baggage we picked up along our journey through life.
When we started interacting with the world around us, observing and listening to others, that’s when we began to fill our backpacks.
However, when it’s time to transition out of this earth, those repetitive thoughts and heavy worries will cease to exist. So why not release them now and save yourself the ‘backache’?
Worry is not an emotion of the present.
It’s an emotion of a projected future, one that has no guarantee of occurring.
Seems funny to give something that much energy with no guarantee of it even happening.
However, we do it all the time.
The moments when you are fully present you will feel no weight on your back, this I know.
Sometimes all that weight just needs another place to reside.
Spinning thoughts and worry create a heavy energy that can weigh you down.
Sometimes all it takes is transferring that energy to relieve yourself of the weight.
I now carry a notebook that’s used specifically for writing down any worries or thoughts I want to let go and release.
The simple act of getting it out of your head and down on paper can be enough to feel lighter again.
Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself if you are having a hard time freeing yourself of the backpack.
What am I scared is going to happen if I let go of the worry and control?
Many fears are completely irrational, but if you can be okay with the worst-case scenario, then that fear loses an incredible amount power.
For example, I used to carry a lot of fear around my investments falling through.
To calm that fear I visualized the worst-case scenario, which was me losing everything and basically being on the street.
At first, it was scary, but I then began to feel an inner calm come over me that let me know, regardless, I would be okay. No matter the situation, I would prevail. I would find a way; I always did.
After that, the fear lost its hold over me.
How am I benefitting from continuing to carry this weight on me?
Even patterns we perceive as being negative can give us a positive payout.
For me, carrying around all that weight was giving me a false sense of control. As long as I was constantly thinking and worrying about something, I had control over the outcome. At least I thought I did.
That false sense of control was my positive payout.
Once I understood what I was getting from hanging on to the weight, it was much easier to release it.
I was able to see that trying to have that level of control was exhausting and I could choose trust instead.
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The amount of unnecessary stress and pressure us humans often carry is staggering.
However, no one can force us to carry that backpack. We picked up that bag ourselves.
But that also means we have total power to take it off and run downhill whenever we choose.
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How My Drive to Succeed Led to Crippling Anxiety (And How I Got My Life Back)
“The only way out is through.” ~Robert Frost
The suffocating pressure from being obsessively focused on achievement and improvement led to escalating stress and anxiety over the years, but I ignored my feelings and kept attacking my goals.
Over time it became darker and heavier. It became crippling. It forced me to put a stop to almost everything in my life.
I’m a type A personality driven by a need for accomplishment. When I was in elementary school, I did my homework immediately after getting home even though my mom begged me to take a break. In high school, I regularly stayed up past midnight working on homework and scholarship applications.
This need to succeed brought many gifts. I succeeded in school, work, and sports. My methods to achieve my goals were consistently reinforced by positive results.
But this “success” came with a price that took a toll on my mental health. The only way I knew to succeed was through uncompromisingly high expectations and an unrelenting work ethic. When things didn’t go right, I was hard on myself and doubled down on my efforts.
The journey to reclaim my life from anxiety took six months that felt like six years. Along the way, I learned how to manage my anxiety (there is no defeating it) so that I could live my life again: accept everything as it is, try to succeed without attaching to the outcome, and let thoughts come and go.
Crippling Anxiety
Over the years, as I pursued one goal after another with laser focus, the anxiety grew. I didn’t understand what it was. I didn’t want to deal with it.
I felt ashamed of the emotions my anxiety created. I felt like I shouldn’t be having the thoughts that raced and spiraled through my head.
I tried to stop them through sheer willpower. That created more anxiety. I didn’t utter a word about anxiety to anyone, even myself.
About nine months ago, the anxiety I had been pushing down for years exploded like a volcano. It didn’t give me the option to continue ignoring it.
It forced me to stop almost everything in my life: writing, running errands, hanging out with friends, and taking part in any social activities. During this time, I only left my house to go to work. Commuting to work and making it through the day took up every ounce of energy and willpower I had.
I worried on a mental loop. I worried about worrying. I couldn’t stop the seemingly endless dark thoughts, fears, and mental distortions that surfaced.
My mental loops and panic attacks could last for six hours before I got a second of relief. I had an overwhelming fear of losing it all. The anxiety manifested itself physically through shortness of breath and elevated heart rate.
I twisted and turned in bed for hours because it was so painful. The anxiety came in unrelenting waves. It came with the force of a hurricane.
Days and weeks were swallowed by an endless loop of anxious and fearful thoughts that felt like they would never release their grip on me. Surviving each day became an all-consuming task.
Road to Recovery
Getting better was the toughest challenge of my life, even though I directed my will to succeed and work ethic to healing. Freedom from the prison of anxiety felt so far away that I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to live my normal life again.
The recovery was painfully slow for my driven personality. At the beginning of the process, panic attacks and racing thoughts dominated my days. But I kept working at it, regardless of how dark and hopeless I felt.
I tried my best each day. I took it one day at a time. I went to therapy twice a week, exercised every day, meditated three times a day, and played Mario every day to relax myself and quiet my mind.
I tried to practice acceptance. I tried to not resist or dive into the dark thoughts. I say “tried” because most of the time I failed at successfully executing these habits.
I had the highest urgency to improve. My life depended on it. Every action I took was centered around managing and decreasing the anxiety.
Every day felt like an epic battle with my mind. I learned the hard way that there are no quick fixes for anxiety. There’s no strategy or seven-step program that eliminates anxiety from your life.
Slowly but surely, I made progress. It felt like three steps forward, two steps back. Yet, most weeks were better than the prior week.
Over time, I gained tools and skills that helped me cope with the anxiety. I learned new lessons every day about dealing and living with anxiety. I uncovered important truths about what had led me to this painful reality.
The anxiety forced me to examine my actions, priorities, and values, and where my life was headed. At the time, I wished there were easier ways to learn those lessons. Your greatest teachers are your failures. That’s the way life works.
I’d like to say it’s been a storybook ending. That I’ve conquered anxiety. That the racing thoughts and fear have vanished from my life. Anxiety doesn’t work that way, though.
That being said, I’m back to living my normal life. I’ve discovered a new definition of success. I’ve improved my ability to manage the anxiety.
Mindsets to Manage Anxiety
Anxiety still shows up unannounced. I can’t control the intensity or nature of my anxiety. However, I can manage it if I’m mindful of how I go about my days and how I react to it when it shows up.
Everyone’s anxiety is unique. If you’re battling anxiety, you’ll have to experiment to find out what works best for you. But you’re not alone.
Although people don’t tend to talk about their struggles with anxiety, more people than you can imagine deal with intense anxiety: an estimated 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders.
Here are behaviors and mindsets that generally decrease my anxiety levels:
- Accepting everything in my life as it is
- Not worrying about things I can’t control or change
- Observing my thoughts from the sidelines instead of engaging with them
- Questioning thoughts: Do I have to go into this thought? Is this fear-based thought true?
- Allowing anxiety to spend time with me; riding the wave instead of going against the current and fighting anxiety
- Being okay with my flaws and weaknesses
- Letting go of the need to succeed and accepting the outcome of my actions, good or bad
These behaviors and mindsets cause my anxiety to spike:
- Replaying past experiences on a mental loop
- Being hard on myself when I don’t meet my standards
- Blaming myself for actions or thoughts that caused me more anxiety
- Resisting fearful thoughts or anxiety
- Engaging with and reacting to every thought; being in the middle of the storm of my thoughts
- Trying to deconstruct why I had a thought or feeling
- Trying to control my thoughts instead of my reactions to them
- Obsessing over what other people may think about things I did or said
- Needing to and having to succeed
Acceptance is the Key Ingredient
I resisted the concept of acceptance when my therapist introduced it to me. I thought if I practiced acceptance, I would lower my standards and give up my commitment to excellence.
I thought acceptance represented being okay with mediocre effort and average results. I thought it would lead me to lose the drive to succeed that has been one of the key ingredients to my accomplishments in life.
I was wrong. Acceptance can (and should) be paired with a drive to succeed. An engine to produce at a high level leads you to put in the hard work that’s necessary to achieve your goals.
Acceptance allows you to let go of the result once the hard work is complete. It frees you from worrying and being attached to the outcome, because that’s out of your control. Acceptance is living in the world of what is, instead of what should be, what could be, or what you want it to be.
Acceptance is a simple idea yet it’s difficult to put it into practice for a perfectionist with a tendency to overanalyze. Although it’s been a struggle to increase acceptance in my life, I’ve discovered a few tools that have been effective: meditation and reframing my mindset during and after anxious episodes.
Meditation has vastly improved my awareness of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Awareness is crucial for managing anxiety effectively. When I’m anxious, step one of acceptance is to feel and acknowledge my emotions.
The next step is to ask myself some version of this question: “Is there anything that I’m not accepting in this moment that’s causing or increasing my anxiety?” Once I pinpoint what I’m resisting and choose to accept it, I know the anxiety will subside.
Many times, I can reframe my mindset in the middle of the anxiety. I can mentally shift from fighting the present circumstances to accepting them as they are. Other times, the anxiety takes over and I have to brace myself until the clouds clear. Once I’m out of the storm, I can dissect that situation and identify the lack of acceptance and the friction that led to the high levels of anxiety.
For example, an argument with my wife can trigger anxiety because I wish that the disagreement never happened. I can’t accept where I am in that moment until I accept that I didn’t act like my ideal self in that situation, and that I can’t go back to change the past. Once I accept the argument and the anxiety it caused me, the friction disappears and my anxiety levels start to drop almost immediately.
My performance can also be a trigger. I can get intense anxiety from mentally replaying the mistakes I made on a work project that didn’t go as well as I expected. I also experience anxiety when I fail to accept the way decisions are made in a large corporation. Or I don’t accept that people often behave in ways that are different than what I expect or value.
If I’m trying to control things that I can’t change or affect, I’m not accepting my current situation. Trying to act outside of my sphere of control is resisting the way the world works. It’s like not accepting that I can’t change the laws of gravity.
Once I accept my past mistakes or that I can’t control how others act and what their priorities are, I can fully accept my present circumstances. When I accept that I experience high levels of anxiety frequently and that my reactions to anxiety sometimes cause more anxiety, I can live without bracing myself for the next attack.
I can let go because I’ve accepted that I will have high levels of anxiety again and that I will make mistakes in how I handle the anxiety again. It doesn’t mean I like being anxious. It just means I’ve accepted where I am at this time in my life. I can take action from there instead of where I wish I was. I can take action within my zone of control.
I’ve experienced the deepest moments of tranquility that I’ve had in my life in the last couple of months. These magical moments happen during the brief windows when I’ve accepted everything in my life as it is.
My mind quiets because there is no friction or turbulence. I lose myself in the sounds and sights of my environment. I hear the birds chirp. I see all the different colors of the leaves.
Redefining Success and Anxiety
I used to be afraid of my anxiety because it felt so intense, emotionally and physically. Although I still experience intense anxiety on a daily basis, I’m now thankful for the anxiety I’ve experienced (sometimes even while I’m caught up in that crushing anxiety).
This is a perspective that only comes after being through the eye of the storm of anxiety. If you’re in the middle of that storm, your only job is to get through it so you can get to a place where you feel safe.
I’m thankful for anxiety because it has brought many gifts. Because of it, I quit relentlessly pursuing success at any cost. I started meditating. I began exercising regularly again. I prioritized balance in my life.
The most important lesson anxiety has taught me is that a successful life isn’t defined by how many achievements I’ve collected. Instead, success is building and nurturing relationships, being present to the little things in life, being grateful for the gift of life, exercising the mind and body, and living the life I want without looking over my shoulder to see what others are chasing.
I don’t always follow the formula I discovered for my new definition of success. But when I adhere to my success formula, my days are significantly better than when I fall back to my habitual ways.
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How to Breathe Your Way to Inner Calm
“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.” ~Etty Hillesum
Today I’d like to discuss something that I’ve found to be very important: our breathing.
“What do you mean our breathing? Don’t we do that all the time? Why do I need to read a blog post about it?”
Yes, we do this involuntarily, but did you know that there are different ways we breathe? Improper breathing can affect how we feel, mentally and physically, and, in reverse, how we feel can lead to improper breathing (if, for example, we’re stressed).
Imagine what’s going on in the following scenarios:
You’re being chased by a grizzly bear.
Chances are, you’re breathing rapidly, taking shallow breaths (drawing in minimal air to the lungs), expelling a lot of effort, and heavily expanding your chest. This is known as thoracic breathing, or chest breathing.
Thoracic breathing switches on our sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for that fight-or-flight response we get when we sense any kind of danger, stress, or threat.
Chest breathing doesn’t optimally use our lungs (via our diaphragm) and can even lead to hyperventilation.
This type of breathing isn’t necessarily bad, since it gives us the ability to run from that grizzly bear and can help during vigorous exercise. But we often do this unnecessarily, and it makes us feel more anxious and stressed.
You just did something relaxing and feel very calm.
Chances are, you’re breathing slowly (drawing in optimal air to the lungs via the diaphragm), expelling minimal effort, and expanding your abdomen/belly as you take in air. This is known as diaphragmatic breathing.
This type of breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which has the opposite effect of the fight-or-flight response, inducing a feeling of calm and relaxation.
Diaphragmatic breathing, or deep/belly breathing, is beneficial to both of our minds and bodies. In fact, it has scientifically been shown to help those suffering with PTSD, pain, depression, anxiety, and other debilitating conditions.
There’s a reason why it has been featured on the websites of NPR, Harvard, TIME, New York Times, the National Institutes of Health, and The Wall Street Journal.
As someone who tends to exhibit the fight-or-flight response at unnecessary and non-threatening times (a work in progress!), I can personally attest to how deep breathing reduces the adverse effects of tension, stress, and anxiety.
Back before I learned about deep belly breathing, I often went into fight-or-flight mode when I felt uncertain and worried about my relationships, finances, school, meeting deadlines, or my health, and it only made things worse.
I didn’t want to continually work my body and mind into an unnecessary frenzy over situations that didn’t warrant it.
Everything changed when I began my journey into the world of yoga.
To help us improve our breathing, my teacher would often tell us to lie down on the ground and place one hand on our belly and the other on our heart. She’d then instruct us to visualize the breath expanding in our belly as we inhale, through contraction of our diaphragm, and notice our belly slowly deflating as we exhale.
We would switch between inhaling through the nose and exhaling out through the mouth, as well as sighing out through our mouth as we exhaled. (Side note: I highly recommend sighing out through your mouth to release tension—it feels great! Make some noise with it too!)
By the end of the class, we would work up to pranayama, which is the ancient practice of controlling the breath, and I would find myself feeling a sense of calm. If you’re interested, you can read more about pranayama here, and this TIME article provides some pranayama exercises as well.
I’ve taken the breathing exercises I learned in my yoga classes and have started practicing them in my daily life. If I feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, or restless, I take a few minutes to perform some belly breathing, and I instantly feel more at ease.
It’s important to note that deep breathing isn’t a cure-all and won’t get rid of the underlying problems that are causing you stress. But it can at least provide you with a temporary sense of calm, which will help you find clarity and think rationally in difficult situations.
If you’d like to give deep breathing a try, you may want to start with one of these exercises.
General Deep Breathing
This is a simple technique you can use anywhere. Find a place to sit or lie down and take a moment to breathe as you normally would.
When you’re ready, breathe in slowly through your nose and feel your abdomen expand fully. I personally like to close my eyes, but you can leave them open if you prefer.
Now breathe out slowly through your mouth or nose (whichever feels better) and feel your abdomen slowly deflate. If you’d like, you can place your hands on your belly so you can physically feel what it’s doing.
I recommend trying this breathing technique for at least eight rounds of inhaling and exhaling. Play around with doing it for shorter or longer periods of time and breathing in/out through your mouth/nose, and make sure to do what works best for you.
Four-Seven-Eight Technique
This practice makes use of counting while you inhale and exhale to maximize belly breathing. In this technique, you inhale through the nose and count to four, hold your breath for a count of seven, and then exhale for a count of eight. You can find a guided video here.
Visual Breathing Guide
This is a fantastic video that provides a visual reference to sync your breaths to. It could be an invaluable resource to help you slow down, calm down, and take deep breaths.
*Note: If you ever find yourself feeling worse or hyperventilating after doing any breathing exercises, please stop practicing them. We are all unique, and what may work for one person may not work for another, so please be compassionate with yourself.*
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There you have it: why and how we can use our breathing to our advantage, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Breathing isn’t just a biological survival mechanism; we can also use it as a tool to help induce relaxation and reduce the effects of stress, anxiety, and tension.
Who knew how much power our bellies hold? Go forth and give your belly (and your overall self) some much-needed, deep love!
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Ask Why: How to Motivate Yourself to Keep Going When Things Get Hard
“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
My father was an amazing man. I’m sure most sons think that about their fathers, but it’s a belief held by more than just myself. I’m not saying he was a great father, but he was a great man.
He was a Vietnam veteran, a carpenter, and a social paragon in the small town I grew up in. Our neighbors declared him the “Mayor of Bluebank” (the road he lived on.) His funeral was one of the most attended events that our small town in Kentucky had ever held.
Dad believed in working hard, and, true to his word, his health began to sharply decline after having a lung removed (the unfortunate “cure” to lung cancer caused by Agent Orange exposure). He passed away on Veteran’s Day, 2012. A cruel twist of irony.
I had the pleasure of working with my father on many projects, from building homes to cutting staves at a sawmill. I was fortunate to learn what a real work ethic looks like by working with Dad.
When Things Seem Impossible
Even though Dad isn’t here to give me advice, I still ask myself what he would do when I’m faced with something that seems impossible.
“I feel too tired to work today…”
“Where will I find energy to tackle this project?”
“I don’t know where to start…”
Everyone faces situations that seem impossible at times. It’s an unfortunate lack of grit and resilience that’s common to my generation.
Luckily, I have one invaluable piece of advice that I managed to get from my father before he passed away.
Advice on Working Hard
When I was in my late teens and doing irresponsible crap, I once asked my father how he worked so hard. He enjoyed socializing on the weekends, but he seemed to enjoy working his butt off just as much (even with the occasional hangover.) I didn’t understand it.
His response stuck with me. He smiled and told me, “Stop asking how I work so hard, son. Ask me why.” His response was rhetorical; he didn’t want me to actually ask him “why.” His point was that the reason he worked was how he found the energy to work.
Dad’s wisdom didn’t quite click with me until my son was born. I’d always had what I considered an inherited strong work ethic, but it wasn’t truly tested until I was kept up all night for weeks on end with a crying baby.
Babies, a Day Job, and a Side Gig
It can be lonely at 3:34 a.m., especially when you’re awake with a crying newborn. The three minutes and fifty-five seconds it takes to heat four ounces of refrigerated breast milk can seem like an eternity when you want to go back to sleep.
Once I manage to get the boy fed and back to sleep, I crawl into bed to wink before the alarm goes off at 6 a.m. so I can get ready for work. Quietly.
In situations like this, energy at work can seem fleeting. You know your job performance is suffering, but you manage to grit your teeth and get back to it. Somehow. Your shift takes forty hours longer than it used to, but you push through.
To top it off, I write articles in my downtime. That means research, writing, editing, submitting, promoting, etc. Work ethic seems like a stupid thing when the beautiful Siren of Sleep is calling you.
Staying Strong to Get Things Done
Fortunately, I remember the lessons that my father taught me. Not just, “If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, you’re f*&^ed.”
All I have to do is ask myself, “Why am I doing this?” when I feel like giving up.
“Why am I working overtime at my day job?” So I can keep the heat on this winter for my family. So I can put food on the table.
“Why am I pushing myself to write another article?” So I can build a business and legacy for my son. So I can spread ideas and wisdom.
“Why am I feeding this thing that causes so much exhaustion and frustration?” Because it’s my son and I love him. I want him to grow up so I can teach him how to be a great person.
Why Is “Why” So Powerful?
Asking the wrong questions can get you stuck. We want to avoid questions that carry negativity.
When you ask yourself why you’re doing something, you tend to attach a larger motivator to your actions. This becomes your motivating reason.
Make sure you have a strong positive emotion attached to your motivating reason. When I ask myself why I’m doing something, it’s always attached to something large and promising, like my family and my future.
A Recent Time When I Needed This Advice
I was reading Smarter Faster Better, by Charles Duhigg, when I came across the following passage (edited for brevity):
Quintanilla had been marching for two days by this point. He had slept less than four hours. His face was numb and his hands were covered with blisters and cuts from carrying water-filled drums across obstacles. […]
“Why are you doing this?” Quintanilla’s pack buddy wheezed at him, lapsing into a call-and-response they had practiced on hikes. When things are at their most miserable, their drill instructors had said, they should ask each other questions that begin with “why.”
“To become a Marine and build a better life for my family,” Quintanilla said.
His wife had given birth a week earlier to a daughter, Zoey. […] If he finished the Crucible, he would see his wife and new child.
If you can link something hard to a choice you care about, it makes the task easier[…] Make a chore into a meaningful decision, and self-motivation will emerge.
My dad’s motivating reason was the same. He worked hard for his family.
For the Impossible
Going to work and writing articles with a newborn in the home is difficult, but I wouldn’t say it’s impossible.
For the tasks that truly seem impossible, it’s important to break them into more manageable pieces. If I want to build a business so that I can eventually work from home, I can’t tackle the entire thing at once.
Break your huge project into multiple SMART Goals—goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-based (even if you have a newborn in the home). Don’t forget to ask why you pursue your “impossible” goal. The bigger the goal, the bigger your motivating reason will need to be.
Check my goals again to see this tagging in action—I work overtime for food and electricity for my fiancé and my son. Not that big of a deal, still a big reason. I work on my articles so that I can grow my business and spread ideas. That’s a big deal to me, and ultimately a larger goal, so I have much larger motivating reasons.
Find a Motivating Reason
“Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.” ~John F. Kennedy
Whether you have one purpose or multiple areas of your life that can give you incentives to tackle the impossible, find a reason and hold on to it.
When things are getting too hard to move forward, when the baby is crying and you’re trying to get one more sentence typed out, when your day job seems like Hell and your alarm is the devil, just ask yourself why.
The impossible becomes possible when you break it into manageable pieces and fuel the fire in your belly with a motivating reason. You’ll come out the other side of the “impossible” as a stronger person with more grit and resilience than you ever thought possible.
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The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ~Lao Tzu
I’ve always lived with a low hum of anxiety in the background, and lately it’s been harder to keep a lid on it.
There are a lot of things to be anxious about these days. We live in a complex and stressful world and anxiety is very common, affecting upwards of 20% of the population. Some experience manageable levels; for others, anxiety and chronic stress can be debilitating and self-destructing.
Truth is, we have good reasons to be stressed out. We work too much; we don’t take enough time off; we’re constantly plugged in and “on” yet are more disconnected than ever before; many of us struggle financially; our healthcare, education, and political systems don’t support us. We truly face many challenges and struggles every day.
So how do we help ourselves ride the inevitable storms that come our way? How do we handle daily ups and downs without getting swept up by emotions and reactions?
We’ve always understood that we need to make our health and well-being a priority. Replenish first and replenish often.
But we have to take care of ourselves on a physical, emotional, and mental level. Body, mind, and soul.
In a World of Anxiety and Chronic Stress, Self-Care Matters
Let’s first define self-care.
Self-care is an active and conscious choice to engage in activities that nourish us and help us maintain an optimal level of overall health. It basically means making healthy lifestyle choices and implementing stress management strategies.
Self-care is not a new concept. We’ve known for a long time that eating well, exercising, maintaining good sleep habits, and eliminating smoking and drinking are all critical in maintaining good health.
What’s new is the holistic approach to self-care that goes beyond taking care of your physical well-being. It’s looking at mental health, emotional health, social engagement, spiritual well-being, and of course, physical care as a basis for it all.
That is the kind of holistic approach we all need to take when thinking about effective and all-encompassing self-care.
Unfortunately, Americans are hardly practicing any self-care.
- One in four Americans has a mental health disorder, of which one in seventeen have a severe mental illness. Many of these disorders go untreated.
- Eighty-one percent of Americans do not exercise enough.
- More than one-third of Americans are obese.
So what’s the problem? Well, it’s complicated. Lack of money, lack of time, lack of resources, lack of awareness… It seems overwhelming, I know (pun not intended).
But we don’t have to completely overhaul our lifestyle in one day, not even one year, to make a substantial difference. Remember, a journey of thousand miles starts with a single step.
We just have to take that one step forward right now.
Can you adopt one healthy habit today? Or perhaps, you can eliminate one unhealthy habit from now on? Can you give yourself a gift of a single healthy activity you can commit to doing on a daily or weekly basis?
My Self-Care Journey
When I first decided to take charge over my health, I didn’t know where to start.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I needed to address: I didn’t sleep well, I worked too much, I suffered from chronic pain and depression, I was highly self-critical, I wasn’t exercising, I knew there was childhood pain that I had to deal with, I was overwhelmed trying to raise three little boys, and I was constantly anxious.
I was miserable.
I was unhappy, but I felt too disempowered to “fix” my life—there were just too many problems to tackle, too much to work on. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t continue to live like this.
Something had to change.
So I started small, with what at that time seemed like a doable practice…
In 2011, I committed to daily gratitude journaling at bedtime.
I simply wrote three good things that I was grateful for that day. It was something I could do in just few minutes, and it made me feel good.
As I developed the habit of gratitude, my list grew longer and more detailed. In the end, gratitude journaling helped me curb my naturally negative outlook on life, added more optimism and perspective, and helped me sleep better.
In 2012, I committed to eliminating yelling, complaining, and criticizing.
This was the next step in curbing my negativity and promoting a more positive mindset. While this wasn’t easy to do and I stumbled a lot initially, over time my attitude changed dramatically, improving all of my relationships in ways I couldn’t imagine (including the one I had with myself, since there was now less fuel for self-blame and feeling guilty).
In 2013, I committed to making art every day.
This has been my passion that I’ve neglected for years but craved immensely.
Doing something for myself just because I enjoyed it was an act of self-love. It brought creativity and play into my life, taught me that mistakes are not such a big deal, gave me a voice that I’ve lost as a busy mother, allowed for self-expression, improved my self-esteem, and in the end was truly healing. (Art is therapy!)
In 2014, I committed to mindfulness and healing my emotional wounds.
The pain of the past was still there, and it would pop every now and then, showing up as anger, depression, and fear. I decided to finally tackle it with journaling and mindfulness.
Ever since I started my gratitude practice, I realized journaling was helpful in making sense of feelings and events, processing my emotions, gaining perspective, and simply letting things go by pouring them out on paper. (Yes, I’m old school!)
Mindfulness helped me through my emotional healing journey by recognizing, allowing, and accepting my internal experience with presence and compassion.
Journaling helped me integrate and process my past and present events and feeling, and ultimately became my top self-therapy tool.
Dealing with suppressed emotional pain was extremely hard, but in the end self-empowering. It freed me from reactivity and emotional high jacking, led to more inner-peace, and accelerated my healing journey of self-love and self-acceptance.
In 2015, I committed to daily meditation and journaling practice since both were so instrumental and transformational in managing my emotions and well-being.
I wanted to be more present to life and build a solid foundation for my future.
Meditation and journaling further deepened my self-awareness; helped me to slow down and recognize negative patterns I needed to work on; taught me how to respond instead of react to life; allowed me to process my present pain and experiences and gain clarity and perspective; eased my anxiety; and improved my attention, empathy, and listening skills.
In 2016, I committed to weekly yoga.
I’d tried yoga before and didn’t like it at all. But now I was a changed woman and I craved to reconnect with my body and align my body-mind with my spirit. I also needed to move my body, and yoga offered a relaxing way to do just that.
It taught me to listen to and respect my body, and ultimately take care of it better (which led to better sleep habits, drinking more water, eating cleaner food, and limiting processed and toxic stuff). It helped with pain and inflammation, flexibility, and body-mind-soul integration. Yoga makes me feel good, whole, and peaceful. I am home.
A lot has changed in those last six years. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and continue to make daily. Yes, it was hard at the beginning. Creating new habits can be hard, so it’s important to go slow and not get discouraged if you slip up. Pick one goal and commit to it with all your heart.
Some self-care activities will come easily; I love doodling, walking my dog, listening to relaxing music at bedtime, journaling, reading, taking long baths, hiking, and taking bike rides with kiddos.
Some habits will be hard to put into practice. For me, as a victim of childhood abuse and neglect, meditation was really hard. So I started with only two minutes a day, lying down. Today I can sit for twenty to thirty minutes with ease.
There are still days when I don’t feel like going to my yoga class, but I will myself out the door, no matter what. I know it’s good for my mind and my body.
You will have to push yourself often, but stick with it. You’ll literally wire those new habits into your brain, and it will get easier. The payoff is worth all the work.
I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m better, healthier, and more peaceful and present.
I’m dealing with instead of running away from my anxiety. I’m managing instead of suppressing. And there’s much more inner peace, balance, love, and acceptance in my life.
I’ve killed my inner critic (for the most part), and I’m more in tune with my mind, my body, and my heart than ever before. My relationships have improved, and I like my life, even though it’s still hard sometimes. There are still many challenges I have to deal with, but I feel more empowered and in charge than ever before.
You Have to Find Your Own Path
Your self-care plan may look completely different from mine. It might mean spending more time in nature, taking up running, or ending a toxic relationship. It may mean quarterly juicing, getting a monthly massage, or knitting. It may be developing a new hobby or quitting smoking.
The beautiful thing is that you are in charge. You and only you know what’s most nourishing for you right now, and what you need to be doing to feel healthy and balanced. You get to decide how to nurture and care for yourself best!
Don’t put off self-care for later. Later will never come. We have to make time now for what’s important, and self-care needs to be your priority. You are worth it!
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8 Ridiculously Easy Ways to Get (or Stay) in Shape
“The secret of living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple, and love without measure.” ~Tibetan Proverb
For a lot of my life, my weight was a source of great stress.
Growing up, I was the frequently taunted chubby kid in class. Unlike my sister, who always chose strawberry-flavored everything, I leaned toward chocolate and spent way too much time sitting in front of a TV.
I had a potbelly (which made me look like a pregnant eight-year-old) that only slightly deflated when a growth spurt shot me up to the towering height of 5’1½”.
In my adolescence, teens, and early twenties, I struggled with bulimia—a misguided attempt to reclaim my self-esteem through thinness and control the only thing I felt I could control, my weight.
In the years since I recovered, I’ve learned to value my body, not just for how it looks but also for what it does for me, and to take good care of it.
When we take care of our bodies, we feel stronger, more energized, and more capable. We breathe and sleep better. We decrease our risk of developing certain diseases, increase our life span, and improve our mood and focus.
We also open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. When you’re fit, you’re free to weigh your options based on what excites you, not based on your physical limitations.
Rock climbing sound interesting? You can give it a try and see! Considering a dance class? Why not! Dreaming of doing a marathon or walking tours through your favorite European cities? Sure, you can handle it!
There’s little more liberating than knowing that you can do what you want to do—that you have the strength, energy, and stamina to experience something that may blow your hair back and make you feel exhilarated and alive.
That’s what being fit does for us. And that’s why I now do my best to move every day, and also to eat a mostly healthy diet.
Since this is a popular month for implementing a new exercise plan, I thought it would be the perfect time to share some of my own fitness practices. Perhaps one or more of these will help you get moving and get (or stay) in shape.
1. Get your 10,000 steps without leaving your living room.
I first learned about the benefits of walking 10,000 daily steps—the default goal for Fitbit users—back when I worked in mobile marketing. As part of a promotion for pedometers, a team of us covered the country on foot over a three-month period.
Prior to that time, it had never occurred to me that walking was a viable way to stay fit and healthy (or that it could be fun and exciting). It just seemed too low impact to count as exercise—but count it does!
Not only does walking improve our overall health and decrease our risk of heart disease, it can also boost our mood and energy and reduce stress, since it has a meditative quality.
While I prefer to walk outside, since I find it calming to be in nature and enjoy seeing the houses in my neighborhood, there are days when I just can’t make it happen. On those occasions, I find short bursts of time throughout my day to walk in place.
Most often I’ll do this while working on my laptop or watching a show, if it’s the end of the night and I’m unlikely to do anything else. Is it the best workout in the world? No. But it’s something, and something is always better than nothing. That leads me to my next suggestion…
2. Give yourself permission to do an incredibly short workout.
If you’re an all-or-nothing person, like me, you may feel like it’s not worth going to the gym unless you’re going to do a full workout, whatever that looks like for you.
For me, that would include at least thirty minutes on an elliptical, weights, crunches, and a couple of leg machines. But there are some days when I don’t have the time or energy to do all of those things.
Recently I’ve been telling myself it’s okay to do fifteen minutes on the elliptical and crunches, and call it a day. Oftentimes I end up doing more than that, but giving myself permission to do the bare minimum helps get me out the door.
3. Pair exercises with daily activities.
I know this might seem like an odd recommendation from someone who promotes mindfulness, but I have found it very effective to multitask certain activities that I do daily. For example, I usually do squats while drying my hair.
This ensures I do multiple reps, since I have several minutes to work with, and also decreases the likelihood that I’ll forget to do my squats, since I’ve linked them to an activity I do every day, without fail.
Some other ideas to consider:
- Before putting your Swiffer or broom back, use it as an oblique bar and do a set or two of ab twists.
- Before cooking, use cans, bottles, bags of rice, or other food items as weights; hold one in each hand and lift your arms out to the side twenty-five times.
- If you have stairs in your home, every time you need to go up, come down and go back up again, doubling your steps climbed.
- Do leg lifts or squats while brushing your teeth.
4. Look into a standing desk.
Whether you work from home, like I do, or do any kind of computer work in the evening, a standing desk ensures you spend less time sitting. And as they say, sitting is the new smoking. No, I didn’t make that up. “They” really do say it!
We’re spending far more time sitting than ever before, between driving, working in offices, and binge watching Netflix at night; and it’s increasing our risk of developing a host of different illnesses, such as cancer, heart disease, and Type 2 diabetes.
If you can’t afford to buy a standing desk, you can easily make your own by piling a bunch of boxes on your dining room table and placing your laptop on top.
I use this same set up when exercising on a portable elliptical machine—a small piece of equipment that cost me about $100, takes up very little space, and offers a nice alternative to walking in place.
5. Trade your office chair for a stability ball.
You may or may not be able to do this at work, but at the very least, you can consider this a viable alternative to a standing desk at home.
Sitting on exercise ball ensures you keep your spine long, since that’s crucial for balancing, and it also tones your core. Experts recommend using a stability ball in place of a chair for twenty to thirty minute increments, since sitting on a ball puts increased load on your lower spine.
If you’re anything like me, you may also prefer using a stability ball for crunches to lying on the ground. You work more core muscles balancing on a ball, and it’s a lot easier on your spine, since it’s soft.
6. Combine exercise and stress relief.
When I first found yoga in my mid-twenties, I quickly got hooked. After every class I left feeling dramatically calmer, less anxious, and more at peace with myself. And the benefits of class bled into my daily life. When situations arose that would ordinarily cause me stress, I was able to cope with far less internal drama. When your workout simultaneously eases your mental anguish, it’s pretty easy to make it a habit.
If you think yoga could be a good fit for you, there are tons of different options to meet your individual needs, from hot yoga (far more intense) to restorative yoga (a much gentler practice). You can practice at a studio, in a gym that offers classes, or even find some videos on YouTube to try at home.
Whether you do a ninety-minute class or a ten-minute video, you’ll see benefits, and will likely get hooked!
7. Give up the good parking spots.
I always enjoy integrating easy exercise into my daily life, whether that means taking the stairs instead of the escalator or walking instead of driving.
When I’m going somewhere specific, it doesn’t feel like a chore—just a way to get from A to B. And I generally enjoy walking outside, since there’s always something around me that catches my interest.
One easy way to get a little extra exercise is to leave a little early, wherever you’re going, and park a fifteen-minute walk away. This ensures a total of a half-hour of walking. And the best part, you can’t bail on the second half—at least not if you want to get home!
8. Plank your way to a tighter core.
I loathe crunches with a passion. As I mentioned, I mind them less with a stability ball, but I don’t have one at home, since my space is limited. So on days when I don’t go to the gym, I plank to tone my core.
I started by holding the plank for just fifteen seconds, and then every couple of days increased the time by five seconds until I eventually got up to two minutes.
My stomach isn’t back to what it was before I had fibroid surgery several years back (and it may never be), but the combination of planks, oblique twists, and crunches has dramatically tightened my core.
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I’m a big fan of mixing up my exercise routine, allowing myself lots of options—from hiking, to biking at the beach, to doing yoga or cardio at the gym, to moving in my own home—and I think that’s been the key to my consistency.
When you give yourself choices to meet your varied moods and needs, you’re far more likely to move regularly. And at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters: that you do something, every day, to get your blood pumping.
When you do this, you’re far more likely to feel strong in mind and body, good in your skin, and capable of doing whatever you want to do.
