Tiny Buddha

Tag: relationships

  • What You Need to Do If You Feel Insecure in Relationships

    What You Need to Do If You Feel Insecure in Relationships

    “The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.” ~Robin Norwood

    When it comes to relationships, people can call you “crazy” and “needy” all they want. I can only guess some people don’t know how crazy it feels when every cell in your body feels like the only way to breathe is to stop this person you desire from abandoning you right now.

    You may not realize it as the emotions hijack your mind and body, but unconsciously, you only have one job in that moment—to stop history from repeating itself by keeping this person close. And so, you do and say everything you can to try and control the situation: the incessant texting, questioning, crying, overthinking, over-pleasing, phone checking, and the list goes on.

    Of course, in most cases, this person cannot leave you because they were never with you in the first place, either physically or emotionally. Either way, as soon as you get even the slightest hint of rejection and abandonment, you experience what I call “The Emotional Takeover.”

    Now, not for one second am I defending the unhealthy behaviors that you have in place in that instant, but I do understand them.

    Because it used to be me. I used to feel so insecure when I felt there was even the slightest threat to my relationship, and I would become preoccupied with ‘fixing’ the situation in any way I could. It was draining, upsetting, and hugely unsettling.

    I know you are not crazy because who you are in those times is not you. You must know that, while it is you that has not yet learned how to break free from that toxic pattern, how to walk away from people who are no good for you, or the art of self-soothing, it is not you.

    Sadly, you might not realize that, because it is likely you don’t know who the real you is. You’ve lost yourself to the fear of abandonment.

    If you relate to this, it is highly possible that, like me, you fall into the attachment style that is “anxious attachment.”

    We tend to experience anxious attachment when we had inconsistent love as a child. It is likely your relationship with your caregivers was unpredictable. As an adult, you struggle with feeling secure in relationships and may find that you experience a ‘need’ to be wanted and intense emotions of anxiety and jealousy when you sense this is being taken away from you.

    In a bid to keep people from leaving you, even the wrong ones, your internal blueprint is designed to put others first, to take on their feelings as your own, to prioritize what they want and need, to ‘fix’ them, to mother them, and to do what needs to be done in order to never be abandoned.

    I can honestly tell you the science of adult attachment styles has transformed my life. Not only does everything now make more sense to me, but I now understand that my perception of love was totally warped.

    For the anxiously attached, it’s hard to know what love is. Chances are, you haven’t had much experience of stability in love, especially from those you desired it most.

    It’s probably fair to say you’ve felt intense feelings you believed to be true love. You may have even felt this with one person and become fixated on them, or you may have felt this many times in your life, with different people. Yet there is always a question mark over it because deep down, you know that the love hurts and/or is not reciprocated.

    That is often what makes this attachment style so hard: the excruciating moments when you know you are being treated poorly, the times you consider you are in the wrong relationship, and the lack the belief you could ever leave.

    What makes it even tougher is how skilled you are at pushing that truth back down and fully convincing yourself that this person does love you back, and if you just work harder, it will eventually turn it to the right relationship.

    Often, the anxiously attached are attracted to the avoidants (hot and cold, suddenly not interested, giving you crumbs), and this makes for an incredibly difficult time. It’s not a match made in heaven because you have very different intimacy needs, and much to your dismay, you cannot change the way they feel about you or love.

    Trust me, I know how much that hurts to hear, but it’s best you hear it before you meet the next one, or the same one comes back around (again).

    I have come across many others with the same attachment style as me, all with a very distorted view of what love is, and I can’t help but notice just how much we love love.

    We love it so much, we think that without it, we are not worthy. Without it, we cannot be happy.

    That is why you settle for people who don’t meet your needs or chase the person that doesn’t see you or never allow yourself time to just be on your own.

    As impossible as it sometimes feels, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you can break free of this pattern.

    I’m not saying I’m perfect, and that I don’t feel the feels or drop the ball from time to time, but I now know how to manage the intense emotions, how to recognize the unavailable guy before I’m in too deep, and how to live life as securely as possible (note: secure attachment is considered the healthy style).

    You are no different than me; you too can tap into the mind-set of the secure attachment style so you can be happy on your own, invite in sustainable love, or where possible, save your relationship.

    Below, you will find the top seven tips that have helped me to become happy in myself and more secure in my relationships:

    1. Try to resist overthinking.

    If you’re insecure in love, one pattern we have in common is overthinking. Thinking about the potential of the person you ‘love’, overthinking why it ended, overthinking why they haven’t texted, overthinking why they canceled on you, overthinking their latest Instagram post, overthinking how you can get them back, overthinking what they really feel… overthinking.

    Your brain feels threatened, and you are trying to think of every single reason this could be happening and of every single solution to solve it. But it’s an impossible job because there is nothing to figure out right now. Remind yourself that the stories you are making up are adding to your stress, and as much as you can, be in reality rather than wasting your precious time searching for closure or answers that do not exist.

    2. Beware of chemistry.

    You know when you’re with someone and you have that rush of love and excitement even though you hardly know them or they are treating you poorly? That feeling is not love.

    That feeling is what you perceive to be love, but it is not love. It’s the rush of an activated attachment system, the feeling of familiarity. Feel like you’ve met this person before? You have, in many of your other relationships from childhood through to now.

    It’s your job to re-wire your pathways to see that this feeling is not love. That ‘chemistry’ you feel must instead become your warning sign that this may be the kind of person you need to consider backing away from.

    3. Give up on the love you desire most.

    This is usually the love of a parent. No matter how many of these people you attract, they will never be the love you desire the most. I know that’s sad, but I can’t sugar-coat it for you (us). I’m not saying miracles don’t happen, but I just think you have so much potential in this life, and seeking that love and approval is holding you back.

    We all know how parents and caregivers ‘should’ love, but it is simply true that not everyone is able to or knows how to. Rather than try and fix the past or change your past experience with love, your time is better spent figuring out a more realistic and secure view on love. You cannot change your past, but you can influence your future.

    4. Pick yourself.

    If you ever felt in any way that one or both of your parents did not pick you, you may find you have a mission to get picked now.

    Ever feel like you are second best to the person you desire? You are attracted to that. On a subconscious level, you have found a person where you can continue your fight to be picked.

    Deep down, way beyond any conscious level, you believe that if you can get this person to pick you then it undoes the very abandonment that got you here in the first place.

    As a child, I wanted to be picked over drugs. As an adult, I found people who were ‘too busy’ with work, sports, and/or drinking. I spent my time trying to make them pick me because I thought I needed that to prove my worth.

    Learning to pick myself and quit seeking that external validation meant I am able to live my life confidently and not settle with anyone that has a highly different values system to me.

    5. Master the art of emotional intelligence.

    Here’s the thing, those with anxious attachments styles do possess a very unique skill in noticing when there is a slight shift or indication that there is a threat to the relationship. As soon as that is noticed, you get triggered, the old familiar feelings take over your whole being, and your only mission is to do what you can to save this relationship.

    You must come to understand that the emotion you feel is simply a stored memory from your past. This is your bodily response to abandonment.

    Take time to notice where you feel it in your body, and what happens to you physically, and name the emotions that you feel in those times. These symptoms should become your greatest warning sign that your anxious attachment system is activated, and it’s time to soothe yourself, the same way you would a child who is feeling overwhelmed because their mother has popped to the kitchen for five minutes.

    6. Own your needs.

    It’s time to get real about your own needs because I have news for you, your needs count too.

    Life isn’t enjoyable for anyone that goes through it without their own needs being met.
    So, get to work and write out what needs you have in your relationships.

    Not only will this exercise highlight to your subconscious mind that you actually have needs, it will make it more likely that you admit it to yourself when they aren’t being met—so when you do find yourself back in the unhealthy pattern, it will be harder to lie to yourself about what this person brings to the table and how real this relationship really is.

    It will become less likely that you will stay in the situation when you are working on this kind of conscious level and understanding.

    7. Create something bigger for yourself.

    I call this “Following Your Fire.” Whether you know it or not, you have a purpose, you have desires, and you have unique gifts to bring to this world.

    When it comes to experiencing a real level of contentment and being able to walk away from crumbs, finding what lights me up as an individual has been the greatest move I have ever made.

    I created a life that I care about. I nurtured the right relationships, I found the activities that I truly enjoy on a soul level, and I followed my deepest dreams that I had otherwise buried. While a healthy love is something I desire, I know for sure that my life is way more than that. That makes it so much easier to walk away from what does not serve me.

    ***

    When you begin to practice the tips above, you likely won’t see progress straight away, but every now and then you will have monumental moments where you’ll see your growth and give yourself a high five.

    When you get to know your attachment style and build a life that you adore, your confidence and self-worth will grow, and you’ll find yourself at a point where you won’t sacrifice your happiness for a person that doesn’t see your value.

    You’ll decide that being single is nowhere near as bad as the anxiety that comes from the unhealthy relationships you’re used to. The fear of spending your life with someone who cannot meet your needs will become scarier than being single.

    We may always be anxiously attached, but we can learn to live a secure life. So what are you waiting for?

  • How to Tell If Your Relationship is Codependent (and What to Do About It)

    How to Tell If Your Relationship is Codependent (and What to Do About It)

    “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” ~ Esther Perel

    Healthy relationships require a delicate balance of intimacy and autonomy, giving and receiving, self and other.

    As we struggle to walk this delicate tightrope, we might feel less like graceful acrobats and more like pendulums swaying recklessly from side to side. As I reflect on my own romantic journey, I notice a trend: I got very close to past partners, losing myself in them entirely, and then emerged from the codependent haze terrified and self-abandoned.

    “Never again!” I would vow. “I’d rather be alone than lose myself in a relationship!” So I’d spend a few months embracing utter independence —dating sporadically, not getting attached, heart under lock and key—until my loneliness sent me into the arms of another partner.

    So wherein lies the balance? The answer can be found in the idea of interdependence: relationships that rely on mutual intimacy and mutual separateness.

    Licensed professional counselor Jodi Clark explains that “an interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system” (emphasis added).

    In contrast, codependent relationships exist between partners who rely predominantly on each other for their sense of value or purpose. People in codependent relationships tend to neglect themselves while over-prioritizing their partners’ values, needs, and dreams. The result? A painful and tangible loss of self.

    So how can we walk the tightrope of togetherness and separateness gracefully? After all, attachment to others isn’t wrong—it’s natural and necessary. But how much is too much? How can you tell if your relationship is codependent or interdependent?

    Here are 7 key points that differentiate codependent from interdependent relationships:

    1. Codependent relationships: I use my partner’s love to fill a void of self-love.
    Interdependent relationships: I love myself and my partner at the same time.

    In codependent relationships, it may feel like there’s not enough love to go around —because there’s not. A codependent partner may make up for her own lack of self-love by attempting to fill her empty well strictly with her partner’s love. She may be hyper-vigilant, scouring for scraps of love the way a vulture might.

    That’s how I felt before I entered codependency recovery. My love for myself was so scarce that I felt like a starving castaway, desperate for anything that resembled sustenance. My desperation made me more likely to accept meager substitutes for love. I craved attention—even if it was of the negative variety.

    In interdependent relationships, we replace that scarcity mentality with an abundance mentality. There is plenty of love to go around. We have a wellspring of self-love and—icing on the cake!—love from a partner who cares for us deeply.

    2. Codependent relationships: I under-communicate my own needs in order to prioritize my partner’s needs.
    Interdependent relationships: I’m free to express my needs and I am receptive to my partner’s needs.

    Healthy interdependent relationships do not require partners to shrink, minimize, or subjugate themselves. They allow for free expression by both parties.

    This isn’t to say that everyone’s needs are met 100% of the time. However, both partners understand that they are complex, unique beings with a diverse array of needs and preferences. A difference in opinion doesn’t have to threaten the safety of the relationship.

    As the saying goes: “Any relationship you have that could be ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards, or expectations wasn’t really stable enough to begin with.”

    3. Codependent relationships: I use time with my partner to avoid being alone.
    Interdependent relationships: I enjoy alone time and time spent with my partner.

    If we can’t find peace or pleasure in our own company, we’ll place unrealistic burdens on our relationships to be our sole providers of happiness.

    Years ago, the stretch of hours that separated the end of the workday from seeing my partner stretched on like an infinite desert. I felt terribly anxious in my own company and used any numbing agent I could to pass the time: shots of vodka at 4pm, binge-watching Girls, whatever. When I could see my partner, my night finally began in earnest. My then-partner could sense this, of course, and felt justifiably burdened by my absence of a private life.

    Enjoying our own company allows us to enjoy time with our partners without using that time to escape from our own anxiety. It also allows our partners to feel valued for who they are⁠—not for the negative emotions they prevent us from feeling.

    4. Codependent relationships: My relationship is responsible for making me happy.
    Interdependent relationships: I am responsible for my own happiness and love co-creating joy with my partner.

    Can romantic partnerships make us happy? Absolutely.

    Will we be happy if our romantic relationships are our sole source of happiness? Absolutely not.

    Where our happiness or mental health is concerned, we can’t put all of our eggs in one basket. The risks are too great.

    I still remember the days when having a disagreement with my then-partner felt like the end of the world. When we were arguing, everything was wrong. The single spout that distributed my happiness was broken! This was not the recipe for a grounded or balanced life.

    My tunnel-vision meant that I was more likely to be reactive in arguments, less likely to give my partner space when he needed it, and more likely to respond to small differences of opinion as if they were catastrophes —which leads me to Point 5…

    5. Codependent relationships: I cannot tolerate intense emotions. In order to calm down, I need my partner to soothe me.
    Interdependent relationships: I can soothe myself when I’m distressed, and I ask for help when I’d like support.

    Learning how to self-soothe when distressed provides us a powerful foundation of resilience, inner strength, and self-trust.

    When I’m distressed, I follow a personal blueprint. Depending on my mood, I might rest in bed and wait for my nervous system to calm, go for a run to release my energy, or journal. I also have a shortlist of folks I feel comfortable calling that includes a few dear friends, my sponsor, my family, and my partner. My partner is one ofmy sources of self-soothing; he is not the only source.

    If my partner doesn’t have the capacity to soothe me in a given moment, he knows that I can meet that need in other ways. He doesn’t feel like he must neglect his own needs in order to protect my mental or emotional health. When one partner must neglect their own well-being to soothe another, resentment inevitably follows.

    6. Codependent relationships: I prioritize my partner or my partnership at the expense of my own goals and dreams.
    Interdependent relationships: I feel free to pursue my own goals and dreams and can build a life with my partner.

    All relationships require some degree of compromise. However, we can only compromise so much before our sense of self begins to erode. If you find yourself sacrificing the bulk of your dreams and desires to benefit your partnership, you’re probably not truly meeting in the middle.

    Sacrificing our goals can have unintended and disastrous consequences on the very relationships we sacrificed them for. Separated from our dreams, we are divorced from a core component of who we are. We lose the lifeblood, the motivation, and the energy that propel us forward in the world. The unique skills and gifts we possess rust and decay from underuse. Like clockwork, our sense of purpose, value, and self-worth decline.

    If your partnership is totally at odds with your own vision for the future, think carefully. Your partner can simultaneously be a fantastic person and completely misaligned with your goals.

    7. Codependent relationships: I can’t imagine leaving my partner under any circumstances.
    Interdependent relationships: I am deeply invested in my partnership and I know that I can walk away if it becomes toxic or unhealthy.

    Both partners must be willing to leave a relationship should it ever become toxic or unhealthy.

    “But wait,” you might be thinking, “doesn’t that mean that they’re just not really committed to each other?”

    Not at all. Being able to persevere through a period of disagreement, tension, or stagnancy is essentially a prerequisite for a long-term relationship. Subjecting yourself to an unhealthy or toxic dynamic, though, is another thing entirely. Unwillingness to leave a toxic partnership (when otherwise able to do so financially and logistically) demonstrates a profound lack of self-love and self-advocacy.

    Even when deeply unhappy in their partnerships, many codependent folks feel incapable of leaving —or of setting effective boundaries with their partners. This paralysis is often driven by beliefs such as “Life would be meaningless without them,” “I could never find anyone else,” “I’ll be alone forever,” or “It’s better to be unhappily married than single and alone.”

    It’s easy to see how a lack of self-love contributes to this scarcity mentality.

    If you recognize yourself in the above depictions of codependent relationships, don’t be discouraged. I have been in deeply codependent partnerships before and now find myself agreeing with every interdependent statement on this list. With effort and practice, it is possible to outgrow our codependent conditioning and find healthy, interdependent relationships.

    At its core, codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with the self that stems from a lack of self-worth—and is generally the result of being raised in a neglectful or dysfunctional family. When we rediscover our own sense of purpose, value, and self-compassion, we no longer need to rely on our partners for our sole sense of self-worth. We can engage in our relationships in balanced, grounded, other-loving, and self-loving ways.

  • Dear Childhood Friends, Thank You and I Miss You

    Dear Childhood Friends, Thank You and I Miss You

    “Sweet is the memory of distant friends. Like the mellow rays of the departing sun, it falls tenderly, yet sadly, on the heart.” ~Washington Irving

    Why is it that the older we seem to get the more and more we miss friendships from days long past?

    You know the ones…

    The friendships where you felt 100% happiness being in their presence.

    Where you felt as if you could be your true self—goofy, silly, honest, and real.

    Where you would get lost in conversations, imagination, and being fully present in the moment.

    Where you went on adventures, told them your secrets, and laughed until your bellies hurt.

    They knew you, and you knew them, and it just… clicked.

    You swore you would be BFF’s forever, maybe even got one of those adorable half-heart necklaces, but somehow along the journey your paths drifted.

    You wonder what happened; but you know what happened. Life happened. They went one way, you went another. 

    Leaving a sadness in your heart, you may or may not have been aware of at the time, because life simply went on.

    You met other friends, classmates, co-workers, acquaintances, and as you began to juggle all things life, career, and family the years passed by.

    Until one day, a photo of them pops in your social feed and the floodgates open up as you reminisce on the memories of a simpler time.

    Remembering how important that person was to you.

    How their friendship helped shape who you are today.

    How you truly were 100% yourself around them before life experiences dimmed your essence.

    You think about how much you miss that person in your life.

    About how you wish you hadn’t let the bond of friendship drift as your heart literally hurts.

    You think about reaching out to say hi. To tell them how important they were in your life. How grateful you are for the friendship you shared. 

    That you miss it.

    That you miss them.

    But you fear it would be weird.

    Justifying to yourself:

    They are too busy.

    They have their own life.

    It has been “too long.”

    And as your mind talks your heart out of reaching out, you breathe a heavy sigh and keep scrolling.

    —

    We have all had these friendships.

    And maybe not just one.

    At various stages in our lives we have those special friendships that go that ‘next level.’

    Whether it was your childhood friends, high school friends, college friends…

    There is something about the bond of growing through a time of transition with someone that creates an unshakable foundation.

    And it is not until you find yourself lost in the throes of adulting, longing for connection, that true-authentic-next-level connection that you reminisce and reflect on how special those bonds truly were. 

    Because no one tells you, when you transition into adulthood, parenthood, and midlife how badly you will miss those friendships more than you ever knew was possible.

    How creating authentic, soul-connecting friendships seems to be harder than it once was.

    And how these special friendships will forever be embedded in your heart.

    If you are like most, you may look back and feel some regrets.

    Regret for letting those friendships drift.

    Regret for not saying the things you wanted to say, or saying the things you wish you didn’t say.

    Regret you did not tell them how important they were to you and how they have shaped who you are today.

    Regret for not recognizing the specialness of the bond you shared.

    But the thing is, it is not too late.

    To tell that friend how much they meant to you.

    To apologize for something that you may still regret.

    To tell them how much you valued them.

    To tell them how much you cherished all of the laughs, the trials and tribulations and memories which were made.

    Because although you both may have grown separate ways through life, your roots are forever entwined. 

    So today, I challenge you to choose love.

    To choose bravery.

    To choose vulnerability.

    To choose connection…. re-connection.

    If you have a friend who’s been on your mind but have been hesitant to reach out and tell them how much they impacted your life, tag them in this post. Send them a little note. Add them on one of your social media platforms. Reach out and let them know you are thinking of them with no expectations, but simply to share a smile, a memory, a reminder of how much you value them.

    For what I would give to have one more conversation with one of my best friends who is no longer here.

    To tell her how much I admired her resilience, her dedication, her strong morals.

    To tell her I’m sorry for not being a good friend when I was consumed with my inner demons.  

    To thank her for some of the best memories I could have asked for.

    To tell her I valued her friendship, honesty and love more than anything and I only hope my daughter can have a friendship like we had.

    To thank her for giving me an empathetic ass kicking when I was in the throes of an eating disorder and binge drinking and saving my life.

    Be brave.

    Choose love.

    Choose connection.

    “Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.” ~Ally Condie

  • What It Means to Love: 9 Steps to a Strong Relationship

    What It Means to Love: 9 Steps to a Strong Relationship

    “Be there. Be open. Be honest. Be kind. Be willing to listen, understand, accept, support, and forgive. This is what it means to love.” ~Lori Deschene

    They say your heart pounds when you’re in love.

    But the very idea of opening up and letting love in can bring on the wrong kind of palpitations.

    Saying yes to love… that’s like standing naked, bare naked, every inch of you on show.

    Completely vulnerable.

    Or so I thought.

    My Impregnable Force Field

     “Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.” ~Bertrand Russell

    You see, I was called a few different things growing up. People said I was reserved, quiet, or shy.

    But in truth I was just scared to let anyone in. I felt I needed an impregnable forcefield. To stay safe. To be in control.

    And I needed space. Lots of it.

    Getting close to people, close enough to fall in love, well, that felt way too intense and personal for me back then.

    We didn’t do love in my family growing up. It was busy, busy, busy in our house. Everything was about practicality, working super hard, and getting things done. And done well.

    Adults rarely showed affection with each other—something about it being inappropriate in public, my brain remembers. We were taught not to talk about personal things. Life felt secretive and awkward.

    As an adult, I ached to be loved. It hurt to be so alone.

    It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t really know how to love. And yet, it’s supposed to be an innate trait. Even newborn babies demonstrate the instinct to love, and the need to receive love back.

    But in all my years growing up, love and affection felt awkward, foreign. Love seemed equally dangerous and mysterious at the same time.

    I learned to keep everything inside, and everyone outside.

    In truth, life went wrong precisely because I acted that way. I ended up alone—no lifelong friends, no love in my life. I was lost. Every day felt like an uphill struggle.

    And around me love bloomed, but for others, not for me.

    Eventually I understood that unless I made some changes, I would never know the absolute security of another’s love. I would never hear someone telling me everything would be okay. That they’d be there for me, whatever life threw my way. And I’d never be able to be there for someone else.

    I realized that I needed to start doing these nine things or I would never know what love is.

    1. Be there.

    Love doesn’t grow and flourish because you dress up or make yourself up. All it needs is for you to show up, to be fully present.

    I used to believe soul mates were mythical creatures, as rare as unicorns, and that finding your soul mate was an honest to goodness miracle—one that happened to other people.

    Not true.

    Someone is ready to love you. They’re out there. And they’re looking for you right now. But you have to show up fully to connect with them.

    In the past, I spent a lot of time caught up in my head, paralyzed by my fears and insecurities. When I was focusing all my energy on protecting myself, I wasn’t available to the people around me. You can’t love or be loved when you’re physically there but mentally somewhere else.

    I now know that I need to focus more on the person in front of me than my worries, insecurities, and judgments. Love can only unfold when you get out of your head and get into your heart.

    “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    2. Be open.

    Love is a powerful force, but you can’t share it if your heart is closed.

    I used to fear the slightest puncture in my protective force field. I worried that if I opened up even a little, it would be the end of me. Somehow staying closed felt like protection. If I let someone in, I couldn’t control what would happen. If I kept everyone out, nothing could go wrong.

    But I learned that you don’t need to expose the deepest parts of yourself all at once to be open to love. You just need to let your defenses down long enough to let someone else in.

    I started by sharing a little about myself—my opinions, my feelings, and my worries. A little at first, I tested others’ reactions to what I shared. But my confidence grew much more quickly than I expected. And you know, not holding back so hard or pretending turned out to be the biggest relief ever.

    “The greatest asset you could own, is an open heart.” ~Nikki Rowe

    3. Be honest.

    Being truthful in love goes further than just not telling lies. It takes being the real you, the wonderfully imperfect you.

    Pretending to be someone you’re not or disguising how you feel sends a worrying message to the person who loves you. Human beings have an inbuilt alarm when they sense someone isn’t telling them the whole truth.

    I had an image of the ‘perfect me,’ and it didn’t include being vulnerable. So I lied about the true me in everything I said and did. I pretended that I didn’t worry, didn’t need help, and that I knew exactly where I was heading in life. Those lies alone alienated some amazingly wonderful and loving people who would have been life-long friends… if I’d let them.

    “Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.” ~James E. Faust

    4. Be kind.

    I wasn’t kind in the beginning. I was too insecure to let the little things go. A forgotten request felt like rejection. A different opinion felt like an argument. I was also too insecure to accept that it didn’t mean I was loved less.

    For example, one night I’d plucked up the courage to sing in front of a crowd, a small one, but to me it felt like standing on the stage of Carnegie Hall. My significant other muddled the dates and double-booked himself.

    I sang that night without his support from the crowd because he felt he couldn’t let down his double booking. At the time that felt like rejection, and I reacted harshly. In truth, the situation simply said “I know you’ll understand that I need to stand by my promise elsewhere; they need me more right now. I’ll be right next to you next time.” (And they were.)

    Being kind in love means accepting that people can’t always meet your expectations and giving the other person leeway in how they act and respond. It means looking after the other person’s heart even when you’re disappointed.

    “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” ~Dalai Lama

    5. Be willing to listen.

    Love needs to be heard to flourish, that’s pretty obvious. But it took me years to figure out that it was as much my responsibility to listen as to talk.

    Because love is a conversation, not a monologue.

    In the beginning my head was too full of all the things I wanted to explain, my heart too full of all the emotions I wanted to express. And my mouth was too full of all the words I needed heard.

    But I found that when I listened, I learned valuable insights into the other person each and every time. I heard their concerns, self-doubts, and their words of love. I was able to help, support, and feel the growing connection we had. They drew huge comfort from having been heard. Listening fully said “I love you” as clearly as the words themselves.

    Like the night we left the movies, having watched School of Rock with Jack Black. It was supposed to be a comedy, a fun date. I laughed lots, but the other person had to sit through 106 minutes of their painful personal disappointment over not pursuing their dream career in music. I listened hard. I heard all their regret, their self-reproach.

    And I learned a whole relationship’s worth of areas where I could be super-sensitive and supportive in the future.

    Because you can’t speak the language of love until you learn to listen first.

    “The first duty of love is to listen. ” ~Paul Tillich

    6. Be willing to understand.

    Being willing to listen is only half of learning the language of love. The other half is understanding what you hear.

    And that means being open to a different perspective, even an opposite view.

    At first that sounded like I needed to give up what I believed, to forever bow down on the way I saw things.

    Not the case. It meant I needed to learn to see that there could also be an alternative, equally valid viewpoint.

    Understanding in love goes beyond being aware and appreciative of the other person’s stance and beliefs. It takes consciously embracing that you’re one of two, and both your perspectives have a place. Love is big enough to handle different opinions and philosophies.

    So the other person grew up in a different culture, for example. That works for them and the millions of people brought up the same. There must be something in it. Love means appreciating that.

    I learned that speaking your mind doesn’t have to be rude or inflammatory, no matter how directly you say it. In some cultures it’s rude not to! And yet I’d been programed to never disagree or say the ‘wrong thing’ and instead to give the accepted, acquiescent response. Love taught me there’s another way—that it’s more important to be honest and truly understand each other than to simple appease each other.

    “One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.” ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca

    7. Be willing to accept.

    Love doesn’t have a complicated vocabulary. All it wants to hear is “That’s okay. I love you for who you are.” Accepting the other person for who they are, however, doesn’t guarantee love will flourish in a relationship. For that to have a chance of happening, you have to accept yourself for who you are as well.

    To let love in, you need to believe you’re worthy of love, that you truly are enough for another’s heart to fall for.

    You need to embrace your human-ness, your less than polished edges, and all your quirks—and theirs, too, in equal measure.

    I had to learn that I didn’t need to be perfect. And I never could be. That I needed help sometimes. And doing my best was plenty.

    I had to accept that about the other person too. I had to step back and see that no matter how large the mess or miscommunication, they’d gone into the situation dripping with good intentions and love.

    That didn’t happen overnight. It took some time, some gritting of teeth initially, and a fair bit of biting my tongue. It felt hard to accept it all for a while, until I truly opened my arms to all their idiosyncrasies, blind spots, and contrary points of view. I would have let those beliefs go years before if I’d known how liberated I would feel when I did.

    Accept that in a relationship you’re one of two wonderful, separate, yet intertwined individuals.

    You can be the amazing you that you are, and they can be their wonderful self too.

     “The greatest gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.” ~Brian Tracy

    8. Be willing to support.

    It’s hard to put the other person first when your own emotions are raging.

    I spent years too caught up in the rawness of my own emotions to take into account anyone else’s. I was so busy struggling up my own mountain of troubles that I missed the other person struggling right alongside me.

    We could have pulled each other up if I’d only reached across.

    Support starts with looking out for signs the other one is struggling. It means putting your own battles on hold for a while.

    I learned how to look beyond my thoughts and problems and truly be there for the other person, thank goodness. And our love deepened every time I did.

    “Surround yourself with people who provide you with support and love and remember to give back as much as you can in return.” ~Karen Kain

    9. Be willing to forgive.

    Whenever there are two people involved, there are going to be mistakes and misunderstandings. That’s a given.

    But the truth is, they are simply opportunities for love in disguise.

    My anxious thoughts made me stress over small things for far too long. I’d analyze and imagine a whole scenario around what was a simple error or miscommunication. Like that confused discussion over weekend plans, when I worried that he saw what I’d suggested as dull, and his mix-up was a disguised attempt to avoid having to drag himself along.

    A forgotten tiny promise felt like I didn’t matter. Like that planned cosy evening, just us and a relaxing dinner, that got steamrollered by him agreeing to watch the neighbors’ kids so that the parents could have a special evening instead.

    That hurt.

    Until I learned to forgive.

    Forgiving says, “That mistake is tiny, our love is huge.”

    And it says it just the same for what feels like a big mistake too. It says our love can weather this—really, it’s strong enough.

    And more than that, every time you forgive the other person you’ll find the compassion to forgive yourself too.

    “The reality is people mess up. Don’t let one mistake ruin a beautiful thing.” ~Unknown

    This is what it means to love.

    Imagine opening up your heart and allowing love in.

    Imagine feeling more confident in who you are. Confident enough to be open, honest, and kind in a relationship. To be willing to listen, understand, accept, support, and forgive.

    That impregnable force field that has kept you so alone for so long?

    Throw it out.

    And let love in.

  • If You Think You Have to Be a People-Pleaser to Be Kind

    If You Think You Have to Be a People-Pleaser to Be Kind

    “I don’t need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.” ~Plutarch

    People-pleasing can seem Iike a way of connecting with others. We believe that if we keep people happy, then they’ll like us and want us around. While it may be true that pleasing others will win us approval and a place in their lives, changing and editing ourselves can’t create the connection we long for.

    We confuse people-pleasing with kindness. After all, aren’t we, as people-pleasers, described as too nice? People-pleasing can be seen as giving of ourselves to put others first, but people-pleasing isn’t the kindest way to treat ourselves or the people around us.

    Honesty is Kinder than People-Pleasing

    My friend, Amy, would occasionally invite other people to join us without letting me know. I’d arrive at the park or the coffee shop and find myself unexpectedly part of a group.

    To Amy, this wasn’t a big deal. She was generous about introducing me to new people and for her it was genuinely the more the merrier. I, however, prefer one-on-one interactions to groups, and I really dislike being surprised in social settings.

    The thing is, she never knew it bothered me because I never told her. I was so worried about making sure she liked me that I pretended to be happy about these surprise additions to our outings. I told myself I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

    Unfortunately, the result was that I resented the other people and didn’t give them a fair chance to see if we might also become friends. It undermined my trust that Amy really saw me and valued my friendship. It reinforced my belief that I wasn’t good enough for someone to want to spend time with just me.

    When I wasn’t honest about how I felt, it wasn’t kind to anyone involved. I knew Amy to be a caring and thoughtful person. Most likely she would have been glad to let me know when she was extending additional invitations and to check in about what I wanted for a particular meet-up if only I’d been honest about how I felt.

    When we people-please, we say and do things that aren’t really true for us. We may accept an invitation that is inconvenient or agree to do a favor we resent doing. We might claim to want to eat at a certain restaurant or do a certain activity even though we’d actually prefer something else.

    We may keep our opinions and beliefs to ourselves unless we’re sure they line up with those of the person we’re trying to please. We might base our decisions—from what clothes we wear to what jokes we laugh at to what career we pursue—on what we think will win approval. We may hide how the other person’s actions are impacting us.

    None of these things are honest. We’re not being kind to others when we try to manipulate them into liking us instead of letting them really see us.

    We get tripped up because honesty can feel unkind if we think it will disappoint someone or make them unhappy. Of course, honesty can be used in an unkind way. People will say intentionally hurtful things and then justify their cruelty under the guise of honesty, but we can be honest with kindness.

    When we are honest in our relationships, we give others a true representation of who we are. We are clear about what we will and won’t do, what we do and don’t want. When we are honest we build trust with others that they can take us at our word and learn to see ourselves as a person who can be trusted.

    Presence is Kinder than People-Pleasing

    When I spent time with Amy, I worried a lot. I watched to see how many cookies she ate before helping myself to another. I worried about whether she was offering tea just to be nice or whether she’d actually be disappointed if I didn’t want to try the new blend she’d been sent as a gift.

    I avoided conversation topics where I wasn’t sure we’d agree. I was cautious when answering her questions about what I was up to. I’d offer only a glimpse and then try to gauge her levels of interest and approval before sharing the next little bit.

    The thing is, I wasn’t able to relax and just enjoy spending time together. It was obvious to her that I was trying to do things the way I thought she wanted me to. She tried to reassure me that it was okay to be myself, which was embarrassing for both of us.

    I appreciated Amy’s ability to ask thoughtful questions and how encouraging she was about anything I did share with her. The main things I remember about the time we spent together, however, don’t tell me much about who she is. I remember more about what I said and did because my focus kept turning to how I was measuring up.

    When we engage in people-pleasing behaviors, we watch the people we hope to please for cues about what they want and need and who they expect us to be. It can seem like we’re being very present with them because we’re paying such close attention.

    Too often, however, our attention is strategic—we’re using it to meet our own ends instead of really engaging with them as people. We watch for how each thing we do or say is received and use that data to continually adjust ourselves to be more pleasing.

    What if, instead, we approached our time with another person with curiosity—seeking to know them for the joy of knowing another human being? Curiosity requires presence—being open and welcoming to what is there instead of what we expect to find. One of the kindest things we can do for someone is to set aside our expectations and see them for who they are—and that includes ourselves.

    Trust is Kinder than People-Pleasing

    It didn’t matter how kind and encouraging I believed Amy to be, I didn’t trust that she would want to be my friend if I ever let her really see me. I didn’t trust that relationships could survive disappointments, differences, or disagreements. I struggled to believe that anyone really wanted to know me and that I would deserve their friendship if they did.

    When I didn’t trust that Amy would want to be my friend unless I went out of my way to please her and I didn’t trust that I was worthy of her friendship, it made for an uneven relationship. I saw her as better than me and was trying to control her perception of me so I could keep a place in her life. Our interactions were based on my striving to please instead of on two humans seeing and supporting each other.

    People-pleasing is characterized by a lack of trust. We people-please because we don’t trust that we are good enough to be wanted just as we are. We don’t trust others to see the value in us and treat us well unless we always give them what they want or stay within the parameters of who they expect us to be.

    A kinder approach is to cultivate trust. As we unhook from people-pleasing, we build trust in ourselves. We develop trust that we can meet our own needs and that we can express our preferences with kindness. We learn to trust that we will be okay if not everyone likes us and that there are new opportunities even after disappointment.

    There is also kindness in trusting others. When we choose to trust someone, we give them a chance to see and support us. We open up the possibility for a mutual relationship.

    Trust others and trust yourself to build a relationship that is genuine and satisfying for you both. Some relationships will not survive if we cease people-pleasing, but those relationships were not built on true kindness to either person. Invest in relationships that are based on kindness instead of control—where you can know and be known.

    Consider your closest relationships. Are they a space where you are honest, present, and trusting? If not, what gets in the way? How can you bring a little more honesty, presence, and trust into your relationships this week?

  • Trauma Rewires Our Brains for Protection

    Trauma Rewires Our Brains for Protection

  • Why You Have to Share What You Really Feel and Want in Relationships

    Why You Have to Share What You Really Feel and Want in Relationships

    “Any relationship that could be ‘ruined’ by having a conversation about feelings, standards, or expectations wasn’t really firm enough anyway, so there isn’t much to ruin.” ~Unknown

    So many of us believe that not expressing ourselves is a noble thing to do. We get to feel stoic and in control. Others get emotional and overwhelmed while we can keep it together. The idea that we are strong because we don’t express our feelings is also socially reinforced, so we keep doing it because it’s the right thing to do, right?

    Not quite.

    In my previous blog post “The Negative Impact of Not Feeling Your Feelings,” I explained how feelings are not problems or evidence that we are broken but merely there to guide us toward greater well-being. They are a reflection of our state of mind, and they try to alert us when we engage in unhelpful or even harmful thinking. We then have the opportunity to realign with what’s good, healthy, and nurturing for us.

    Based on the many questions and messages I received following that article, I now want to explore what happens to our relationships when we withhold our truth and inhibit our feelings.

    So, first of all we need to look at what is required to create a healthy and loving relationship.

    Relationships thrive in an environment of emotional safety, openness, and authenticity. This means that both people involved need to feel safe with each other, be safe for each other, and be willing to express themselves openly and authentically.

    Many of us did not grow up in households where this was allowed or possible. We learned that expressing ourselves can lead to humiliation, shaming, and rejection. This kind of distress can be unbearable for a child, so we learned to inhibit ourselves.

    But what keeps us safe as children usually negatively impacts our lives as adults. Inhibition now stops us from creating healthy relationships and developing true intimacy, something most of us value more than anything else.

    We inhibit ourselves every time we do not speak up or stand up for ourselves. In relationships, we often inhibit ourselves by hiding our feelings and therefore withholding what is true for us. We go along with what the other person wants whether we really want to or not.

    This is a direct block to intimacy. When we are not open or honest with what we are feeling and what is going on for us, we deprive others of the opportunity to really get to know us.

    However, we only do this because we believe that this is the way to be in relationships. It’s part of our relationship blueprint, the model of relationship we’ve inherited and internalized. In our eyes, we do what is right and what is required to maintain a connection. It is, after all, the very thing that allowed us to maintain our attachment bond during childhood.

    We learned that in order to have a relationship, we must not express ourselves or share our feelings. We believe that our feelings are problems for others and expressing them would threaten the relationship, and that’s the thing we don’t want to lose. So, by that logic, inhibition is the way to go.

    And that is true for unhealthy, superficial, or unfulfilling relationships. It just doesn’t work if you want to have healthy, intimate, fun, and overall life-enhancing relationships.

    I learned this the hard way …

    All my life I struggled to express myself in relationships. I struggled to ask for what I wanted and express how I felt. I didn’t communicate or set boundaries but felt betrayed if they were disrespected or violated. I had lots of different expectations that I never shared but felt absolutely heartbroken if they weren’t met.

    In my eyes, I was easy to be with because I didn’t ask for anything. I didn’t complain and I wasn’t demanding. I didn’t nag. I kept my feelings to myself and avoiding confrontation and conflict. But I could only believe that because I was not aware of the consequences of my behavior, which in the end would lead to the breakdown of my relationships.

    Not expressing myself in my relationships meant that I did not consider myself. This in itself is a disastrous starting point because a relationship requires two healthy participating individuals. There simply is no relationship if one person is pretty much non-existent.

    But not considering myself also put pressure on my partner to consider me in a way that was highly unrealistic. Knowing what I know now, this was never his sole responsibility. It was always mine. It is my job in a relationship to stand in my truth and express it so that my partner and I can co-create a relationship that works for both of us.

    It is also pretty impossible to consider someone well enough when you don’t know what they want or how they feel because they simply don’t share that with you. So this was a strategy that was never going to work. However, at that time in my life, I believed that my partner should know what I wanted or how I felt without me having to express it. A fatal lie of the mind.

    In healthy relationships, we teach each other about ourselves. We teach each other as we continuously grow and change by expressing what is going on for us. We tell each other what we like and what we don’t like. We share our feelings and how we impact upon each other. We are open to each other’s feedback so we can adjust if we choose to do so.

    This is how we create an environment for ourselves and each other that is nurturing, respectful, and loving. It is a perfect environment for well-being and growth, but it is one we must create ourselves by expressing what is true for us. There simply is no other way.

    We often stop ourselves from expressing what is true for us to keep the peace and maintain the relationship, but a relationship that cannot handle your truth is not a relationship you should be in.

    As adults, we are not dependent on any one person the way we were dependent as children. Our survival is no longer dependent on a caregiver. We now depend on ourselves. Our well-being depends on us making wise choices for ourselves, and that includes the people we choose to have in our lives. Those people should be people who are safe for us and who love the full version of us.

    I used to believe that withholding my truth by inhibiting my feelings and desires meant that I was a good partner and easy to be with. I felt good about the role I was playing. I thought I did the right thing. It also allowed me to keep relationships going.

    But I kept relationships going that weren’t meant for me (and quite possibly not for my partners either). I presented a version of myself that was inauthentic. I did not contribute myself—not fully, not authentically. I withheld my truth and in doing so, I deprived my partners of truly choosing me. They got the superficial version of me. A Stepford Wife version that was a lie. It was dishonest.

    I didn’t understand that a healthy relationship requires openness, authenticity, and honest self-expression. That was something that has never been part of my relationship blueprint. It was not something that had ever been allowed or encouraged in the past.

    And so, I followed my pattern. I desperately wanted a healthy relationship, but it looked like it just wasn’t going to happen for me.

    I couldn’t have what I wanted because I didn’t ask for it, and others didn’t consider me because I didn’t provide them with anything to consider. I relied on their guesses, which were usually wrong. I put my responsibility for my own well-being onto my partners and made myself dependent on their best guesses, which was never going to work out well for anyone.

    I am now a fierce advocate for self-expression. Self-expression as a way to well-being and healthy connections. Self-expression as an expression of self-care, self-respect, and self-love. Self-expression as the gateway to real, raw, and deep intimacy.

    Maybe, like ‘old me’, you believe that censoring yourself and inhibiting your feelings is good for your partner or your relationship. Maybe you feel stronger or tougher for doing so. Maybe you’ve never given it any thought before, and that’s okay.

    But please know that you are worthy of expressing yourself. You need to take up space. Your feelings and desires matter. They can’t matter to anyone if they don’t matter to you first.

    A healthy relationship requires you to be in it. All of you. You cannot experience deep connection and intimacy if you are not there for it. You cannot make good partner choices if you’re not honest with yourself or consider yourself.

    It is time to free yourself from old patterns that stop you from getting the love you want. It’s time to finally let yourself be heard and be seen. And all of that starts with you. Say yes to self-expression! Get honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want and don’t want.

    That is how you become safe for yourself and safe to be in a healthy relationship with.

  • How to Re-wire Your Brain for Better Relationships

    How to Re-wire Your Brain for Better Relationships

    “For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

    I was eight years old when my father and I somehow ended up in a heated, verbal struggle. I don’t remember what we were fighting about, but I remember that he was yelling at me.

    I already knew by then that my father didn’t deal well with anger. It wasn’t uncommon for him to explode into fits of rage. I don’t know what I had done this time that had gotten him so upset, but I must have felt that he was being unfair. As he turned his back on me to walk away, I blurted out, “I hate you!”

    It’s not an uncommon thing for a kid to say in the heat of anger, because kids haven’t yet learned how to cope with strong emotions. If you’re a parent, you know what I’m talking about.

    My father didn’t respond. In fact, he didn’t say anything to me at all for several days. He gave me the silent treatment. He ignored all of my attempts to get his attention or to try to reconnect with him. He acted as if I didn’t exist.

    I felt alone, sad, guilty, and scared. As you can imagine, for a child of eight, it was excruciating to be shut off from him. And that wasn’t the only time my dad punished me with silence.

    Obviously, my father wasn’t a good role model for helping me to deal with anger constructively. If he had been, he might have asked me what was upsetting me and would have helped me figure out my feelings. At the very least, he might have apologized for getting so angry.

    Instead, he responded in a way that was anxiety-provoking, guilt-inducing, and painful. His tendency to act in this way made an indelible impression on me and my nervous system that I have struggled with for much of my life. The message I got was clear: Anger is bad and dangerous to a relationship; it brings disdain, loss of approval, and abandonment.

    It’s not that my father didn’t love me. I know now that he loved me very much. But he had a really hard time managing his emotions. This came from his own early experiences in his family where he learned the very same thing that he ended up teaching me.

    During our volatile exchange, I’m sure something deep in his brain had gotten triggered and had gotten the best of him. Some old unprocessed feelings came up, and caused him to withdraw and shut down.

    At the time, he didn’t understand what kind of damage his reaction was causing. He was actually doing the best he knew how. Fortunately, he’s grown and changed a lot since then and so have I.

    But that kind of treatment affected the way my brain got wired. I grew up feeling anxious about feelings of anger. If I felt angry with someone important to me, I worried that if I spoke up or asserted myself, they would abandon me.

    In my adult relationships, any sign of conflict with a partner, friend, or authority figure made me scared that something bad would happen, that I’d be punished in some way, rejected, or abandoned. In romantic relationships, I worried that I would lose our relationship if anything challenging came up.

    As soon as anger arose in some way, my nervous system would respond as though I was in danger. I’d feel anxious and panicky. I’d question my feelings and inevitably I’d rationalizing away whatever was bothering me. I avoided the discomfort of honoring my emotions and talking to the other person about how I felt.

    My adult relationships followed a typical pattern: They would start out with a lot of happiness and excitement, but as they continued, I’d start to feel anxious, worried, unsure, especially whenever there was any sign of conflict. I felt conflicted about my feelings and had a hard time working with them.

    Every relationship has times when partners get angry or upset, and in healthy relationships, the partners can find a way to constructively deal with their emotions and talk it out with one another. But that was not a part of my software. I’d avoid having uncomfortable conversations, I’d repress my feelings, and I’d hide how I really felt.

    As a result, I would often wonder why I felt so disconnected to other people. I would keep busy with my work, school, going to the gym and other activities just so I wouldn’t have to slow down and feel my real feelings.

    Of course, none of this was apparent to me at the time. It was just how I’d been wired. It took many years before I understood what was going on.

    Eventually a skilled and compassionate therapist helped me see how much anxiety was affecting my experience, that I was shutting myself off from my certain feelings because they felt threatening. I had been taught that strong emotions–particularly anger—were dangerous and would result in abandonment and rejection.

    Now, many years later, I have a happy twenty-two-year marriage to my husband, Tim, and I’m a therapist, writer, coach, and speaker. Though I still sometimes feel that old wiring trying to take control, I’ve developed some skills to manage the anxiety or fear that can get stirred up when something is off between us or when conflict arises.

    I see many clients who struggle with similar issues in their relationships. They feel excited to start out with their new romance, but as the relationship goes on, they start to struggle, they feel disconnected, shut down, or they and their partners fight a lot, or respond in ways that don’t support the health of their relationship.

    They often ask me: why is this so hard?

    I’ve learned that, while our specific relationship problems may be different, the underlying issue for most of us is the same.

    At the core of our struggles, underneath many layers of conflict and complaints, is a fear of being emotionally present and authentic in our relationships. We’re afraid of truly expressing our feelings in a vulnerable way. We worry that the other person won’t like us or want to be with us if we tell them what’s really going on for us.

    But why are we afraid of being emotionally present in our relationships?

    The short answer is that—as you saw in the story about my dad and me—our adult brains are still operating on wiring that was created in the first few years of our lives. Depending on what our caretakers taught us about how to function in close relationships, we may have learned some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

    If you struggle with painful romantic relationships (or even troubled relationships in general) as I have, you may be experiencing the effects of “faulty wiring.” You may have learned ways to cope with your emotions that don’t serve you anymore.

    Luckily, there are ways to “re-wire” your brain for better relationships.

    The first step is to understand what you learned about expressing your emotions when you were a child. Take some time to respond to these questions (separately for each parent or caregiver):

    • How did your parent(s) respond to your feelings?
    • Were they generally open, attentive, and responsive to your feelings?
    • Did they get uncomfortable or anxious when you expressed your feelings or certain feelings in particular (e.g., anger, sadness, fear, joy, and the like)?
    • Did they get distracted or seem to ignore certain feelings?
    • Were some feelings okay and others not? If so, which feelings were welcomed, and which weren’t?
    • Did they get irritated, frustrated, or angry at times when you expressed certain feelings?
    • Did they apologize when they hurt your feelings or reacted in an unhelpful way?
    • How did they respond when you were afraid or feeling vulnerable?
    • How did they respond when you were angry and asserted yourself?
    • How did they respond when you were affectionate and loving?
    • Could you rely on them to be there for you emotionally when you needed them?
    • Overall, how did it feel for you to share your vulnerable feelings with them?

    Now think about whether your answers to these questions reminds you of your romantic relationships in any way. Do you ever see yourself acting in similar ways to one of your parents or caregivers when particular feelings arise in your relationship? Does your partner ever act in similar ways? If you’re in a relationship now and your partner is willing, ask them to answer these questions about their parents as well.

    See if you can identify any patterns in how you both share and react to different emotions in one another.

    If you’re not currently in a relationship, think about past relationships, especially particularly difficult ones.

    After you get a sense of what lessons you may have learned about how to express emotions (or not) with people close to you, you’ll be in a better place to learn new ways of reacting.

    Here are some tips for growing your capacity to be emotionally mindful and present when you get triggered by your feelings. .

    1. Recognize and name.

    When you feel a strong emotion, you may have been triggered by old wiring. You may feel out of control in your response, which is why some people say, “I don’t know what came over me!” when they get really upset.

    The first step in regaining control of your emotions is to learn to identify the ones that most often trigger you. Practice observing yourself when you feel those challenging emotions. Name them as they come up. You might even want to write down the emotions that are difficult for you to cope with. This step takes a lot of practice, but it gets easier the more you do it.

    2. Stop, drop, and stay.

    When we feel triggered, upset, and uncomfortable, we often want to escape that emotion. We may get irritable, yell or criticize, walk away, shut ourselves in our room, or numb ourselves out.

    But in order to practice being mindful of your emotions, you’ll need to learn how to stay with them and ride them out. Rather than doing what you normally do when you have those feelings, stop. Pay attention to how the emotion feels in your body. Describe it. Ask it what it’s there to teach you. You may even want to write or draw it so you can become familiar and comfortable with it.

    The point is to look at it, stay with, and learn about it.

    3. Pause and reflect.

    When we’re in a conflict, we often feel like there’s no choice between the time we feel the strong emotion (such as anger, rage, hatred, or fear) and our response to it (yelling, becoming violent, shutting down, or running away).

    But in reality, by stretching the space between the feelings arising and responding, we can create some room in which we can chose how best to respond.

    So, practice feeling the challenging emotion and not responding right away. If you normally lash out with an angry statement when your partner says or does something you dislike, practice doing something else. Tell your partner you need a moment. Breathe deeply and slowly which will help to calm your nervous system. Go for a walk. Whatever you need to do to calm your distress and choose a more helpful response.

    The more often you do this, the easier it will get to make better choices.

    In this space that you create, reflect on what you’re feeling underneath the reactivity. If you’re feeling like lashing out, what’s underneath that? If you’re angry that your partner forgot to call you on your birthday, is there more to it? Are you feeling hurt, disappointed, or afraid of losing a sense of connection with them? Does it feel familiar? Might it be linked to feelings you had when you were a child?

    Explore the emotion. Give yourself time to figure out what you’re really feeling, what you want, what you desire, and what you’d like to happen in that situation.

    4. Mindfully relate your feelings.

    Once you know what it is you’re really feeling and what you’d like to happen, try relating that in a calm and open way to your partner. If your partner forgot to call you, rather than yell that she doesn’t really care about you at all, maybe you can say, “I’m realizing that I feel hurt that you didn’t call me. I worry that you don’t really care about me. I would like to understand what happened.”

    This will help you and your partner connect with one another, open yourselves up to one another in a more authentic way, and share your true feelings and experiences. This way, you are less likely to fall into old patterns where you may trigger one another and cause each other pain.

    By being vulnerable, open, and unafraid to express your true self, you’ll connect better to your romantic partner and you can develop a better understanding of what you want in your relationship.

    I speak from experience. Once I learned how to better express my emotions and what they were saying to me, I decided that I wanted a partner who would be willing to do that as well. I made the painful decision to end a 5-year relationship I’d been in which was full of conflict and, on a deep level, I knew wasn’t all that I longed for.

    But in doing so, in listening to and trusting my feelings, I was able to move forward and eventually meet my husband, with whom I’ve found the space disentangle myself from my old wiring and have a healthier, satisfying relationship. To love and be loved like I mean it.

  • 3 Practices That Help Ease the Pain of Being Highly Empathetic

    3 Practices That Help Ease the Pain of Being Highly Empathetic

    “I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.” ~Walt Whitman

    Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s experience and understand with depth the gravity of their situation. In general, I believe the world needs more empathy.

    But I’ve learned over the course of my twenty-nine years that sometimes being a highly empathetic person is incredibly painful. And sometimes too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

    Hearing stories of the pain that people experience can be extra painful when your mind tries to carry their pain around with you. Empathy is healthy when it’s useful and helps a wounded person feel understood and validated and release their pain. But it’s unhealthy when you carry it with you as if it is your own.

    Feeling sorrow for someone who is suffering is part of our humanity and connection to each other. Carrying the sorrow as if it belongs to you ends up feeling traumatizing and can cause you to disconnect from others.

    I’ve always struggled with holding on to the pain of others. From the stories of suffering I hear on the news to the people I run across in my everyday life, I’ve found it difficult not to get lost in their pain and end up holding on to it. When that problem hit even closer to home, I reached a breaking point that ended up teaching me how to stop it.

    My sister is a nurse who was working on a trauma unit floor the day she was assaulted by a patient. Seeing the bruises covering her face and her eyes swollen shut was a gut wrenching experience. For months after that my mind turned over and over again how she must have felt.

    I’d see the surprise and fear on her face in my mind’s eye. I’d feel the terror and the pain. And the overwhelming relief when he was finally off of her. Followed by the sense of humiliation and vulnerability at being alone on the floor.

    She was wounded. My overly empathetic brain created me as the second wounded one.

    I am a highly sensitive woman who struggles with both ADHD and Anxiety. These three challenges come together into the perfect storm to torture me with too much empathy sometimes.

    High sensitivity makes me more attuned to others. ADHD makes it extra difficult to control my runaway thoughts. Anxiety creates a sense of ongoing vulnerability that keeps the wound open. This perfect storm has required a strong internal set of resources to combat it. In the traumatic aftermath of my sister’s assault, I finally found the recipe for that resource.

    These three things have helped me reduce the internal wounding of being too empathetic.

    Mindful Attention to Words without Pictures

    I was on the phone with my mom as she was processing what happened to my sister, and I noticed that the most painful part of it all was the movie reel playing in my head as my mind interpreted her story in pictures.

    I couldn’t bear the emotional onslaught that I could feel coming and somewhat intuitively picked up on a mindfulness tool that I now swear by. As she continued, I made a conscious effort to hear only her words. To only focus on her words.

    When my mind started to create the overwhelming pictures, I would return my focus to the sound of the words themselves. I tried to hear the words and only understand them to the extent of their definition—devoid of the extra meaning and emotional context I had been attaching to them.

    Even though this practice was difficult to do, I was able to leave that conversation without feeling re-wounded. And that was a first.

    A Mindful Mantra

    It wasn’t just the conversations and specific triggers that created the wounded feeling. My anxious ADHD brain would recreate the story on its own. It would play that movie of what my sister experienced start to finish. In those moments, there were no words to attend to. There was only me and my sometimes-torturous brain.

    It was out of that experience that I developed what I’ll call my mindful mantra. It starts with the recognition that my thoughts have run away from me. When I see that, I imagine that it was all playing out on a picture book that I can see myself firmly shut. I even imagine the sound of a book being forcefully shut.

    Then the mantra. Every time I catch myself in this place I use the same mantra, and over time it has become helpful in its own right. This could be anything, but for me, my mantra goes like this:

    “Nothing good goes down this path.”

    It serves as a reminder that there is nothing useful to me or to the wounded person (in this case my sister) in fixating on their painful (now past) experience. It’s also a subtle reminder that choosing to stop the internal battle isn’t hurtful to the person who’s been wounded.

    With that, I find that I can practice the next skill before re-engaging myself in something else.

    A New Visual for Letting Go

    Sometimes the mind tries to hold on as if it’s not quite ready to let go. My ADHD mind has extra trouble with this. It’s in those moments that I practice this mindful visual exercise. I sometimes need to practice it several times before my brain is ready to transition on to something more helpful.

    But like any mindfulness practice, I find that the more I bring my mind back to the exercise, the better it gets at using the exercise for letting go.

    I see my thoughts (or sometimes the book in which I closed them up) floating down a river. I grew up in an area with a ton of amazing waterfalls that debut in this visual exercise. I visualize a powerful, tall waterfall like the ones I grew up with and I see my thoughts fall over the edge.

    Then I stand and watch them flow on the river beneath until they are completely out of my sight.

    After this, I’ve found that it can be helpful to engage myself in another activity to help my brain transition. Sometimes that looks like a good movie or a walk with my husband. Other times, it’s a hobby or project I’m interested in that helps grab my attention.

    If the movie reel starts to play again, I send it back over the waterfall.

    With these strategies, I’ve been able to finally find some peace with my mind. Even though they are challenging strategies that sometimes take practice, I’ve found them to be well worth the effort.

  • Understanding Is Love (and the World Needs More Love)

    Understanding Is Love (and the World Needs More Love)

    “Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand you can’t love.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I recently attended a weekend workshop, and there was a man in the group who always had a strange look on his face whenever we had to look for a partner to work with. I noticed that some people avoided him, like they didn’t want to work with him. Perhaps it was the vibe he gave off because of the way he looked at people.

    At some point later in the weekend I sat with him. It was hard to put my finger on it, but there was something about him that did feel a little strange, and I could see that other people were put off by him.

    After the weekend had finished, we happened to be sitting next to each other and started talking, which somehow led to him telling me that he is almost completely blind. With his contact lenses in he can see okay, but the low light of the room made it very hard for him to make out faces.

    In that moment I understood. That was why he gave off a weird vibe—because he was having trouble seeing. The “look” he gave was simply a result of him trying to see and ultimately connect with someone.

    The internal label I’d given him of “strange” dissolved in an instant, and in that same moment I felt an opening in my heart. It was an unconditional level of understanding that brought with it a sense of peace and connection.

    Understanding and Letting Go

    We often get frustrated or angry with the people around us, projecting our emotions and frustrations onto them when we don’t understand them. The moment we understand, it can change our whole attitude, creating a space of opening.

    Imagine you’re driving your car, and the car in front of you starts slowing down. You don’t know why they’re slowing down, so you get frustrated and possibly impatient. Maybe you start verbalizing your frustration, or perhaps you even honk your horn in an effort to release some of your tension.

    Then you see an elderly woman crossing the road, moving very slowly.

    In that moment your frustration softens, because you now understand why the driver in front of you was slowing down. They saw something you didn’t.

    We can take understanding in this example even further. You also understand the woman moving slowly. Perhaps you have a mother or grandmother who moves slowly, or you realize that one day, as you age, this could be you, and you’d appreciate drivers slowing down for you. Or maybe you’re young but injured.

    Understanding creates a mental shift enabling us to replace reactive emotions and disconnection with compassion and connection.

    Understanding Is a State of Mind

    Understanding is more than something we do, as in trying to understand someone else’s perspective or how they feel. Yes, this is part of it, but understanding is also a state of mind that we can cultivate. Just like joy, enthusiasm, sadness, or frustration are states of mind that govern the way we experience life.

    When we feel joyous, we think, act, and respond to life in a certain way—joyfully. When we feel frustrated, we think, act, and react to life in a different way—finding reasons to justify our frustration everywhere.

    Understanding is a state of mind that makes us feel more peaceful, compassionate, and connected, creating an attitude of “us” as opposed to a “me vs. you” mentality.

    When we proactively nurture an understanding mindset, we approach people with openness—even if they’re difficult—because we’re committed to always looking beneath the surface instead of making judgments and assumptions.

    We may not always know why someone acts the way they do. But an attitude of understanding does not actually require us to know the exact details of other people’s story.

    Understanding at its deepest level is just like love—an unconditional understanding of another’s humanness. We don’t have to know their story, but we can appreciate they’re going through the human experience, just like us.

    Cultivating an Attitude of Understanding

    There are various ways to cultivate understanding in your life, but I’d love to share a reflective exercise here to help you understand and connect more deeply to yourself and humanity.

    Think of a time when you lost it. A situation when you got angry or frustrated. Maybe a family member did something that really upset you, or maybe someone undermined you at work. The reason why does not matter here; you’re not trying to justify it, and you’re definitely not judging it as right or wrong.

    When you have that memory in mind, just feel it. Feel the sensations in your body—the intensity, the heat, or the thoughts and emotions that come with it. If it’s uncomfortable, that’s okay.

    Don’t try and change it. Just feel it.

    As you feel it, notice that in that moment you were unable to maintain peace inside yourself.

    We can’t be at peace inside while reacting with anger.

    I’m not suggesting there should be a suppression of anger in any way. This is about recognizing the truth of what’s happening inside us when we react with anger. When it happens unconsciously there’s nothing we can do about it—the result being we act mindlessly. But when we consciously pay attention, we deepen our self-awareness, and this gives us the opportunity to choose how we act.

    I had an experience at a coffee shop where I was returning my drink because they’d made the wrong one. When I told the woman at the cashier they’d made the wrong order she was quite rude, and told me bluntly, “That’s what you ordered!”

    It caught me by surprise. Her attitude made me feel like I was being accused of something I didn’t do. I could feel myself getting angry and ready to defend myself.

    I felt a wave of intensity come up inside me.

    As I was about to react and get into an argument with her, there was a moment where instead of feeling my anger, I could feel she was stressed. Something was bothering her, even before our interaction. I don’t know what it was, but it was enough for me to pause, reflect, and understand that we often don’t know what’s causing someone to act the way they do. We can never know what’s happened in their lives just before we began interacting with them.

    There are so many different reasons why someone might be stressed or upset—an argument or breakup, chronic back pain, the death of a loved one, or inability to pay their mortgage to name a few possible explanations.

    That moment of understanding her human nature allowed me to let go of my reaction. I’d taken her reaction personally, and it put me in a state of “you vs. me” where I was ready to fight to defend myself. And I would have felt quite justified in doing so because I felt falsely accused. But if I had, it would’ve just been me reacting to her reaction, and we likely would have ended up in an argument.

    Reaction versus reaction = conflict.

    The world is already so full of conflict. If we want to create more peace in the world, we have to choose not to take things personally and instead respond with understanding, compassion, connection, and peace.

    I’m not suggesting it’s easy, but I believe moments like these offer an opportunity to live from our heart when a natural reaction is conflict.

    For me, in this case, the shift to understanding opened my heart and created a sense of peace and connection to the woman.

    She must have felt it on some level, because without me pushing back at her with my own reaction, she also softened. Something dropped, and she simply asked the barista to make me a new beverage.

    Whatever was bothering her before was still there, but I could feel she wasn’t projecting it outward onto me.

    A moment of understanding can change everything.

    The World Needs More Love (Understanding)

    We often judge or complain about other people’s actions, but if we can pause and be honest with ourselves, we’ll realize we often do something of a similar nature ourselves.

    Everyone has different life stories and traumas that condition their unique personality, but we all experience moments when we’re unable to maintain peace inside, so even though we may not know someone’s exact story, we’re still capable of understanding.

    Instead of wasting our energy judging or complaining about others, we can put ourselves in their shoes and understand that we struggle with similar emotional challenges. This allows us to be more present and compassionate, cultivate deeper self-awareness, and connect on a human level.

    Imagine a world where more people chose understanding and truth rather than reaction and conflict.

    But ultimately imagining it is not enough; it’s a good start, but we need to act. We need to live and engage life from our heart.

    “Understanding is love’s other name…”

    “Understanding is an avenue into love. It’s also an expression of love in action. When we enter into understanding we are entering into love… and “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” ~Jimi Hendrix

    What kind of a world do you want to live in?

    Will you choose understanding instead of reaction today?

  • By Being Open About My Struggles

    By Being Open About My Struggles

  • 10 Things You Need to Know to Maintain Strong Friendships

    10 Things You Need to Know to Maintain Strong Friendships

    “A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.” ~Frank Crane

    Studies show that feeling connected to other people is a core human need. A sense of connection impacts not only on our mental health but also our physical well-being. It reduces our risk of disease and increases longevity.

    While the research is clear, statistics also suggest that our level of social connectedness is declining. Social media might help us be more widely connected, but it doesn’t usually replace the connection we experience in offline friendships.

    It seems that as adults we aren’t that good at friendships. People complain that it’s hard to make friends and maintain existing friendships after leaving school. It’s largely because we are busy with jobs and families, but I wonder whether there are other reasons outside of those external circumstances.

    Growing up I had a very specific ideal of what “true friendship” looked like, which I had primarily picked up from books, TV, and movies: You have a best friend who you share everything with, hang out with 24/7 and grow old with—through thick and thin and of course happily ever after.

    Only my reality looked different, which in itself made me feel that there was something wrong with me.

    I also struggled because I felt like an outsider. I am mixed race (half Chinese, half German), was born and raised in Germany, and grew up very conscious of looking different, which is something I simply cannot hide. My parents told me to be proud of being different, but I wanted nothing more than to blend in because I felt that my difference isolated me.

    I was a painfully shy kid. I always found it difficult to approach other kids and I began feeling invisible to the world.

    I wanted to belong so badly and would have done anything to fit in, but because I had convinced myself that I was too different, I eventually stopped trying. Instead, I pretended I didn’t care about not being part of the group. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was upset. On the outside I seemed self-confident and strong, but always faked it and never made it (until much later in life). In short, I was doing the opposite of being myself.

    The belief that nobody noticed me stuck with me into adulthood until I eventually realized that I hadn’t been invisible but rather I had been hiding. I had built a solid wall around me.

    As an adult I can see that I probably wasn’t all that different from the others. How many of us grow up thinking we need to pretend to be someone we are not in order to belong and to be loved? How many of us still do this now as adults? And how ironic is it that by wearing a mask we achieve the opposite of what we intend and basically make it impossible to experience true connection?

    Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about letting people in and creating meaningful connections. And I’ve come a long way from that insecure little girl who hid behind a wall and felt chronically isolated. If you’ve struggled to form and maintain friendships, perhaps my lessons may help.

    1. Not all friendships are created equal.

    Friendships are not a “one size fits all” kind of affair but rather come in different shapes and forms. A friend doesn’t have to cater to all your needs. It’s more natural to have friends for different areas of your life. That doesn’t make any one friend “less than,” but it feels much healthier than placing undue expectations on one person.

    For example, a lot of my close friends live far away and we no longer share our everyday lives with each other, but I know I can still rely on them. Then there are people I’ve just met. While sometimes I instantly click with people, with others it takes longer to connect deeply. I also have loose acquaintances, and while we might not discuss our deepest thoughts, it’s still fun to connect through experiences and mutual interests.

    Once we open our minds to what friendship can look like, we will gain access to connections that would have otherwise gone under our radar.

    2. Connection is a two-way street.

    The quality of connection is made up of what both of you are putting in. And the connection is likely to break apart if you expect what you are not prepared to give.

    This doesn’t just apply to what you are willing to do for the other person. Are you fully showing up as yourself? Are you allowing others to really see you? And are you prepared to really see the other person, too, including the more challenging things that can feel heavy and painful?

    3. People can only honor your needs and wishes if you communicate them.

    We often expect others not only to read our minds but also to be on the same page as us on all matters. Chances are that if you haven’t clearly communicated what you expect from your friend, they might have no idea.

    But also, remind yourself you have no “right” to others fulfilling your needs and wishes. Be prepared that others aren’t able or don’t want to give what you would like them to give you.

    You know that saying “In times of crisis, you find out who your real friends are”? Well, I don’t entirely agree with that. It assumes that there is an unwritten rule about how friends need to behave, but there can be multiple reasons why they might not be able to be there for you to the extent you expect them to.

    When my mum passed away, for example, my friends reacted in different ways. I totally understand that a lot of people find death highly uncomfortable and simply too terrifying to talk about, so, I accepted that I wasn’t able to talk about it with all of my friends.

    Fortunately, some friends were able to be there for me. This experience taught me to formulate my needs and ask for help. On some days, the support I needed was to be able to talk and cry and on other days, I wanted to be left alone. The only way for my friends to know was for me to tell them.

    4. You don’t need to agree on everything.

    Maybe this is just me, but I feel an urge to agree with my friends on everything. Disagreements on even the smallest of issues cause me a certain level of discomfort. Of course, this is where the cycle of not being myself begins: by not saying what I really want in order not to upset the other person. That’s what compromise is for though, right?

    I am therefore teaching myself to remember that it’s okay to disagree and to learn to accept that niggling feeling of discomfort that I still feel, even when I know this won’t affect the friendship overall.

    That being said, sometimes disagreement is a sign that someone isn’t a person I want to be friends with—there are certain no-gos, certain things that just aren’t okay with me. Get clarity on your no-gos and stop sweating about the rest.

    5. You don’t have to like each other all the time.

    This for sure is another remnant of my Hollywood friendship ideal. Do you like yourself all the time? I don’t. I can be moody or thoughtless. I have characteristics I don’t like and that I am working on changing.

    The same goes for every other person. And not only do we all have bad days and do stupid things sometimes; we might also have spleens or characteristics that are annoying to others. But they are likely outweighed by our loveliness . If so, maybe you can accept them in your friends and focus on all the rest instead of getting worked up over them or trying to change them.

    6. Friendships need appreciation to flourish.

    Don’t take friendships for granted, whether it’s the little or the big things: tell and show the other person that they are appreciated and loved, and express your gratitude. Especially when we have known somebody for a long time, we may expect them to just know how we feel. And chances are they do, but it’s always nice to hear it, too.

    7. Not everyone will give as much as you give.

    Just the way we set our own boundaries and decide what we are prepared to give, everyone else has the same right. And everyone’s boundaries are different.

    While solid friendships naturally involve give and take, it shouldn’t be about tit for tat. Don’t keep count and don’t expect reciprocity for everything you are giving into the friendship. Give because you want to, not because you feel obligated or because you want something in exchange.

    8. Grudges erode relationships.

    I am pretty good at holding a grudge. I also know that it’s my coping mechanism for trying to protect myself from getting hurt and disappointed again.

    Here’s a secret: It doesn’t work! Also, is it worth proving that you were “right”? Do you even know for sure that you were “right”? Put yourself in the other person’s shoes: Can you understand where they are coming from? Communicate when you are upset, clear the air, and move on. But remember:

    9. Strong friendships require strong boundaries.

    Boundaries are so important, and a lot of us are unfortunately not very good at a) identifying our boundaries b) ensuring they are honored, and c) walking away when they are not.

    Personally, I have two main areas where I am still learning to communicate my boundaries: First, I’m part introvert and as much as I enjoy socializing, it can also feel depleting. Saying no to an invite or leaving a gathering when my limit has been reached still doesn’t come easy but it’s getting easier. It’s a matter of taking my own needs seriously as well as explaining them to my friends.

    Secondly, people tend to find it easy to open up to me and often come to me for advice. As much as I want to help people and especially support my friends, I am still figuring out where my boundary is. I don’t want to take on a one-sided role of “counselor” in a friendship, since this inevitably leaves me feeling resentful. I am aware this is as much about me naturally putting myself in that role as it is about people’s expectations of me.

    10. People change.

    Are you the same person you were ten years ago? Even one year ago?

    We all change, and especially when we’ve known somebody for a while, it’s easy to assume that we know everything about them.

    I love this quote by George Bernard Shaw: “The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.”

    Are you still listening? Are you curious? Are you taking an interest?

    Sometimes we change so much that we drift apart, and that’s okay. The fact that we may grow so far apart that we no longer want to be friends doesn’t take away from all the joy and fun we had in the past.

    Though I have long since bid farewell to my warped idealistic friendship model, I do make a conscious decision about who I want to spend my time with. And the criteria for that can change over time and are for me to decide.

    My only advice is this: don’t be quick to discard relationships from a place of disappointment, hurt feelings, a bruised ego, or even a sense of revenge.

    If somebody means something to you, talk to them. Figure out a new way to be friends going forward—one that works for both of you. But also accept that people are not there to adhere to your expectations or to the image you built up of them in your head.

    And remember that connections in whatever form add immeasurably to the quality of our lives. Let’s open our hearts and minds to experience more of them!

  • Being Shy Made Me Strong, and It Can Do the Same for You

    Being Shy Made Me Strong, and It Can Do the Same for You

    “Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak.” ~Unknown

    This quote seems counterintuitive, right?

    For many years, I, too, scoffed at the idea.

    Having dealt with crippling shyness throughout my life, I know firsthand what it’s like to feel weak, powerless, and trapped because of it.

    As a child, I remember clinging to my mom’s leg and using her body to hide from strangers. Then, as I got older, this shy behavior manifested into a fear of speaking my mind, interacting with others, putting myself out there, and so on and so forth.

    My quiet and timid nature led to me being known as “the shy girl,” a label that followed me through my formative years and made me feel stuck inside a box of limitations throughout my adult life.

    During these years, my shyness did nothing but hold me back from being who I wanted to be. It felt like a dark cloud hanging over me, and I couldn’t escape.

    Until, one day, I realized that being shy got me nowhere. I was living a life of loneliness and fear where I had no close friends, no social life, and no happiness.

    I refused to allow myself to fall victim to being shy. So I chose to do something about it.

    Looking back, it’s been a long road to get where I am today, but I can honestly say that I’m a stronger person because of what I went through as a result of all of it. I’m thankful I went through the challenges that come with being a shy person because it forced me to make a choice: shrink or grow.

    So if you, too, are dealing with debilitating shyness, here are some things that may help.

    Challenge yourself.

    Feeling stuck? Then it’s time to shake things up.

    If you’re extremely shy then, chances are, you’re scared to put yourself out there. And why would you? Especially when your comfort zone is just so comfortable.

    I know what that’s like because I’ve been there myself. It’s easier to live your life within the confines of what’s familiar because there are no risks and no surprises. But there’s also nothing to be gained from an unchallenged life.

    From a young age, I recognized that my big ambitions were tethered on a short leash because of my shy nature. I was never going to reach any of my goals if I kept living my life in fear. And that thought alone scared me more than the thought of putting myself out there.

    For that reason, I saw my transition from middle school student to high school freshman as an opportunity for a fresh start. I knew I wanted to do something I never had the guts to do before.

    So I decided to take a theater class offered by my school. I saw it as the perfect challenge because, not only was it completely out of character, the mere thought of performing on stage terrified me.

    What better way to help me break out of my shell than taking a class that involves speaking in front of an audience?

    Skipping ahead to my first performance, I remember my face being beet red, my palms were sweaty, my heart was beating out of my chest, and my anxiety was through the roof. I was in fight-or-flight mode and, and while I would normally choose flight, this time I was determined to fight throughout.

    At the end of the performance, I felt an amazing rush. It didn’t matter how I did or what people thought. All that mattered is that I pushed through my fears and did it.

    I saw this as a huge victory in the battle against my shyness.

    So if you want to take a step toward overcoming your shyness, then it’s time to step outside of your comfort zone. Do something that scares you. Think of an activity you’ve always wanted to do but never had the guts to try and start there.

    It’s terrifying, and chances are you’ll second-guess yourself throughout the entire process, but what you feel once you get through it will make all of the anxiety worth it in the end.

    Don’t give up.

    While theater classes helped me learn to face some of the challenges that came with my shyness, it wasn’t until college where I really broke out of my shell.

    As you can probably imagine, social situations were a nightmare for me because of how shy I was around others. I didn’t know how to connect with people and, more importantly, I was scared to try.

    My life up to this point consisted of a nonexistent social life and friends who were mostly just classmates or acquaintances.

    However, that changed when I took a job at a local restaurant.

    At first, I despised the job. Everyone seemed so close and I felt like I didn’t fit in, which is why, within the first week, I wanted nothing more than to give up and quit

    All of my life I’ve felt like an outsider, so I assumed that this would be no different. Despite that feeling, though, something told me that I needed to stick it out and stay.

    So I did. And it paid off.

    Over the next few months, I became more comfortable talking to my coworkers, which turned into spending time together on lunch breaks and then getting together after work hours. Pretty soon, these people who were once nothing more than strangers to me became the friends I had longed for throughout my life.

    Because I stuck it out and pushed through the discomfort and fear, I was no longer an outsider and I loved my job. It was a complete 180 from where I was when I first started working there, and all it took was patience and effort.

    This experience taught me that anything worth having takes persistence. A self-defeating attitude will only keep you trapped within the limitations of your shy tendencies.

    If I had given up, I would have never met the people who became my closest friends, and still are more than a decade later.

    So when the going gets tough, dig deep and push through it. Changing a pattern like shyness is no easy task, but if you don’t give up, you could end up with something amazing.

    Practice makes perfect.

    Change doesn’t happen overnight.

    In order to break away from your shy tendencies, you need to do more of what gets you out of your comfort zone.

    For me, that’s socializing.

    Because of my shy, introverted nature, I’m typically more comfortable being by myself and, as a result, I tend to withdraw from others.

    Yet, despite those tendencies, deep down, I’ve always wanted to be a social person, somebody who’s confident in social situations and has no problem approaching people.

    So I decided that I was going to practice.

    Coincidentally, all of this took place after my twenty-first birthday, so the nights out on the town with my friends became a way for me to practice my social skills.

    I’ll admit, at first I felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable. In the presence of large crowds, I would typically shrink down and avoid talking to others. Because these skills didn’t come naturally for me, it took some time for me to break away from those habits, but eventually, I did.

    I continued to push myself to talk to strangers whenever I would go out with my friends. Granted, this was a lot easier considering that the people I spoke to were typically a few drinks in, but it still did the job.

    Pretty soon, the thought of approaching someone and having a conversation wasn’t as scary as it once was in the past. In fact, I actually started to enjoy it.

    I like to think of social skills like a muscle in the body. It may start out weak and exercising it can be painful, but the more you work out that muscle, the more it grows and the easier the exercise gets.

    Shyness can be debilitating if you let it take over your life. So practice socializing, having conversations, approaching people and anything else your shyness holds you back from doing. While it can seem impossible to overcome at times, with practice, you can come out on top.

    If I can do it, you can too.

    After spending most of my life feeling like a victim to my shyness, I now appreciate that it made me stronger. That’s because, as a shy person, it takes so much more effort and energy to put yourself out there. It’s going against familiar habits and causing friction that, hopefully, results in change.

    It’s easy to succumb to shyness, to stay within your comfort zone, and to be controlled by fear. And anyone who has pushed through and challenged those tendencies in order to live a fulfilled life knows that it takes a tremendous amount of work. It’s a constant uphill battle, but it does get easier if you’re willing to push through.

    So challenge yourself, don’t give up and practice.

    It’s time to own your shyness instead of letting it own you.

  • The Power of Saying No (Even to People You Love)

    The Power of Saying No (Even to People You Love)

    “When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    “Yes, of course.”

    “Yes, that’s no trouble at all.”

    “Yes, I can do that.”

    “Yes, I’d love to help.”

    Yes, yes, yes. “Yes” seemed to be the key word in my relationships with partners, family, friends, and colleagues.

    I wanted to be helpful, kind, and thoughtful; I wanted to be there when people needed me. I didn’t want to let them down or disappoint or displease them. I spent a lot of my time devoted to my self-image as a capable, nice person who could be relied on. As a people-pleaser, I held niceness close to my heart.

    Unsurprisingly, people always assumed I’d drop everything to help them or do what they wanted me to do. They were used to me giving up my time for them and putting their needs and wants before my own.

    This was especially the case in my close relationships, in which I found it hardest to say no.

    I grew up believing saying no to others was negative, unhelpful, and selfish.

    As a child, I was often told not to cause a fuss or bother anyone and to expect very little. As a result, I believed that others were worthier than me and that their needs and wishes should take precedence over mine. I felt guilty for saying what I wanted or how I felt, as if I had no right to do so.

    Unsurprisingly, I found it difficult to voice my opinions and needs, and I believed that what I thought, felt, and wanted wasn’t important.

    I was also fearful of confrontation and avoided it at all costs. Saying no risked provoking someone’s anger and making them think badly of me. It meant possible abandonment, the withdrawal of approval and love. So it seemed far safer and easier to say yes, even if I wanted to say no.

    My readiness to say yes certainly didn’t gain me other people’s respect or consideration. Even though I consistently gave a lot more than I received in return and often felt hurt, resentful, and unappreciated, I kept saying yes.

    My habit of people-pleasing attracted into my life the sort of people who disrespected and used me. This included a relationship with a guy who turned out to be a bully.

    Throughout our time together, I went along with whatever he wanted. I kept saying yes to the relationship despite the fact that he emotionally and psychologically mistreated me. I kept putting his needs and happiness before my own, and of course he had no respect for me. Why would he when it seemed I had no respect for myself?

    It was only when things became unbearable and I got sick that I knew I had to say no to the relationship and start saying yes to myself.

    My inability to say no had created a great deal of inner turmoil, which had obviously impacted my physical and emotional health. I realized I had to say no to a lot of things and a lot of people in order to heal myself and protect my well-being.

    The end of my dysfunctional relationship made me see that it’s often in our closest connections that we most need to practice saying no because we often maintain unclear or flexible boundaries with the people we’re closest to.

    Say No to a Lack of Boundaries

    Boundaries are essential for healthy connections and show that you respect yourself and your partner. It’s through boundaries and our ability to say no to each other that we come to know our partners better and also connect with them more deeply. When we can freely voice our opinions, we meet as equals.

    People-pleasers often have a hard time setting boundaries, and this was certainly the case for me. We can develop a blurred sense of where our boundaries lie, if we have bothered to give serious thought to them in the first place.

    I realized that I had to set boundaries before I embarked on another relationship.

    I had to build up my confidence and begin to trust myself. I needed to work out what I liked and disliked, what I wanted and didn’t want, and where exactly my line would be crossed.

    I knew that if I continued to have hazy boundaries, I would remain vulnerable to mistreatment and would continue to attract into my life people like my ex-boyfriend.

    Say No to Inauthenticity

    I had mistakenly thought going along with what other people wanted would mean less disagreement and conflict. I thought it was good for my relationships, but in fact the opposite was true.

    Whenever I said yes in a powerless way, I was being inauthentic to myself and the other person. There was little honesty in many of the yeses I said.

    My need to be liked and approved of and to please the other person overshadowed my need to be true to myself.

    Suppressing my wants and needs meant that my partner could not know the real me. None of us are mind readers, so they could only guess what they thought I wanted, and most of the time they assumed I wanted what they wanted because I never said otherwise.

    When we don’t feel able to voice our wants and needs in a relationship, our connection lacks true intimacy. If we cannot be open to our partner, how can we be closely connected? If we continually hold a part of ourselves back from our loved ones, either from fear of conflict or a reluctance to drop our mask of “niceness,” we create inauthentic connections that cannot grow into something deeper and stronger.

    Intimacy cannot flourish from pretense, only authenticity.

    Say No to Self-Sacrifice and Being a Martyr

    In the past, I sometimes said yes reluctantly and with little enthusiasm, which, of course, didn’t please the other person. This went against my intention to minimize any conflict.

    These yeses were tinged with martyrdom; I felt I was sacrificing my time and energy. I was often bored doing things I didn’t want to do, all of which took away time I could never get back.

    When you feel obligated to agree to do something you don’t want to do, it usually backfires on you. You end up feeling resentful of the person who asked you in the first place, and you resent yourself and your weakness. The help you offer will lack genuineness, and people will be able to sense your unhappiness and resentment.

    I learned that in every relationship there must be compromise rather than one partner’s continual self-sacrifice.

    Say No to Catastrophizing

    People who have a hard time saying no are often worried about other people’s reactions and feelings. They tend to build up in their imagination all sorts of negative scenarios resulting from saying no.

    Yet we are not responsible for others’ reactions to what we say or do; the only reactions and emotions we can control are our own. This was a revelation to me, taking into account my childhood conditioning.

    When we catastrophize a partner’s reaction to our “no,” we show a lack of faith in their ability to respond like a reasonable person, and it reveals that we don’t really know or trust them.

    Would your partner be so angry if you dared to voice your opinion that they would actually leave you or stop loving you? If so, what do these reactions say about them? Would you want to be with someone like that anyway? If they prefer you to be a doormat and always compliant, what does this say about their view of relationships?

    If you say yes out of fear, you need to look at what makes you fearful in your relationship. Fear is an indication of a power imbalance and therefore an unequal relationship. There is a big difference between being afraid of your partner and being afraid of their opinion of you if you say no. Their disappointment in your no is based on their expectations of hearing a yes.

    If your partner is so averse to you voicing your wants and needs, you should leave that relationship. You cannot stay with someone who thinks their needs and wants are more important than yours. It’s not good for your self-esteem and, as I discovered, your health.

    Say No to Draining Situations and People

    There is a lot of positive power in using no in the right way. You don’t say no to purposely hurt others; you say no to protect yourself from people and situations that can hurt you.

    When you say no to draining people and situations, you open up the space for positive energy and relationships to enter your life. It allows more worthwhile activities and opportunities to come your way.

    Your no creates the necessary boundaries that give you time for yourself, time to focus on your self-care and interests and what matters most to you. You’ll also have extra time and energy to help people you genuinely care about in a much more meaningful way.

    I had to cut ties with certain people, realizing they didn’t contribute anything but negativity to my life. I had to say no to these relationships.

    Saying no in these circumstances is a form of self-protection. You have the right to say no to situations and people that threaten your peace of mind or well-being.

    How to Use the Power of No

    We have obligations to our loved ones and should be there for them when they truly need us, but we also have obligations to ourselves.

    When we say no, it shouldn’t intentionally cause another person any real harm; it should always come from a place of consideration and compassion, but it also has to be assertive and come from a source of strength.

    I found that it helps to focus on the fact you are not saying no to the person but to their request. This separation makes it feel a lot less personal.

    It also helps to start small. Begin by saying no to acquaintances and colleagues and anyone else you feel safer saying no to. Once you have gained some confidence, you can say no to less significant matters in your close relationships—such as what to eat for dinner, which movie to see at the cinema, what to do with your free time, and so on.

    Most of my friends and family were initially surprised when I no longer just went along with what they wanted. But their reaction to my no wasn’t negative. In fact, many were relieved and pleased that I was finally being assertive.

    I then practiced saying no to more significant requests for help or bigger favors that would take more time and energy. In time, saying no became easier.

    Don’t be rushed or pressured into making a decision if you need time to think about someone’s request. Simply say, “Can I get back to you?” “I need to check my schedule first” or “I’ll let you know.” Any impatience on the other person’s part is their business, and there’s no need to get caught up in a discussion before you give your answer.

    It’s important to remain calm when you say no. You don’t need to give lots of reasons—doing so can weaken your no—but you can apologize for not being able to help, if you wish. It depends, of course, on the request. A simple “Sorry, but I don’t have the time right now” or “I’m sorry, I’m not able to help” will suffice. Always use “I” rather than “you” when you give a short explanation for your response.

    When you say no to certain people, they might react with anger, surprise, disappointment, coaxing, or guilt trips. It’s important to not be manipulated by their reactions or swayed into changing your mind.

    Their response to your no is often an accurate indicator of the health of your relationship with them. They have become used to your yeses, and this has shown them how to interact with and treat you. They’ve gotten used to you putting them first, but now you need to give them a different instruction, which involves changes they might not like.

    In time, unless they’re a bully, they’ll adapt and even prefer the more assured you. They will have more respect for you and your time.

    But if they refuse to accept the changes, you must say no to the relationship.

    Say Yes to Yourself

    Your no protects your personal power in your relationships. It enables you to be more honest with other people, yourself, and what you want. Your no allows you to say yes to things that are important to you.

    When I realized my no could be linked to a self-affirming yes, it was a powerful revelation to me. Saying no didn’t feel negative anymore; it was something that empowered me and allowed me to prioritize my time. After all, our time is limited, so we cannot say yes to everything.

    I began to focus on the positive aspects of saying no: yes to more time to do what I wanted, yes to more self-esteem, yes to good relationships, and yes to greater control over my life.

    Say Yes to Self-Empowerment

    Saying no and taking better care of myself made my yeses feel more powerful because they were authentic and came from a place of strength. The more honest I was about saying yes and no, the more people respected my time and boundaries and appreciated my help.

    I also learned I can live with others’ disappointment, and I cared less about their reaction to my no. I was no longer afraid of upsetting people.

    Saying no doesn’t stop you from being a nice and considerate person. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is say no to someone, including yourself.

    When you are self-empowered, you know you are enough, and you know you are worthy. You know you don’t need to exhaust yourself doing everything for everyone else in order to be liked and valued.

    Helping those in genuine need, if you are able, is always a good thing. However, you can’t help everyone, but you can help yourself.

  • Confrontation Can Be Hard, But It’s Worth It

    Confrontation Can Be Hard, But It’s Worth It

    “When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” ~Fred Rogers

    I was immediately uncomfortable when the older gentleman rode up on his bike and loudly told us that our kids shouldn’t be riding their bikes on the velodrome; it was against the rules.

    If it had been just me and my daughter, I would have said no problem and left the area, maybe even apologized. But I wasn’t alone, I was with my friend and her son, and my friend doesn’t back down from confrontation like I do.

    Instead of saying okay to him, she pressed him to explain himself. Where was the sign that said the kids couldn’t be riding their bikes (as this man was)? What was the issue?

    As I stood by uncomfortably, the two of them hashed things out. She turned to her son, age five, and told him that if he continued to ride on the tilted area of the track, this man might accidentally run into him, and asked if he understood that. Her son nodded his head.

    Suddenly, in the midst of the conversation, the man softened. He said he was just worried about hurting the kids, he wasn’t really mad, and soon he started coming up with suggestions for how the kids could stay safe. He said he’d call out before he got to where they were on the track, and then pointed out a blue line where, were they to stay below it, they would be safe, as he’d ride above it.

    The kids repeated the options, and my friend thanked the man for working with us to come up with a solution, then rode off. Each time he came around the track (he was much faster than our kids!), he’d yell out, and my friend’s son would get out of the way. My daughter chose to stay low, below the blue line, so she wasn’t in his way.

    This interaction may seem like nothing to you, but to me it was a big deal. Confrontation had been a very scary thing for me, something I avoided at all costs. The idea that my friend could not only stand up to confrontation, but elicit such a warm response from the person whom she was confronting left a huge impression on me.

    At that moment, I decided it was time for me to stop avoiding conflict. Lucky for me, I was almost immediately presented with many opportunities to prove to myself I could do it.

    First, I found out that a neighbor had an in ground pool with no fence around it. This made me feel uneasy (you know, because I have a five-year-old), and I felt like I at least needed to talk to him about it.

    You would be astonished at how nerve-wracking this was for me, but I knew I wanted to start talking to people, even when I was scared.

    The same day I decided I needed to speak to him, I got my chance. I was driving down the street, and there he was, walking. I pulled over and rolled down my window.

    I expressed that I hadn’t realized until the day before that his pool didn’t have a fence, and asked him if he’d ever considered putting a fence up.

    He said no, he’d had the pool built long before there were any regulations. I told him my daughter couldn’t swim yet and it made me nervous he didn’t have a fence. He acknowledged my concerns (though he wasn’t interested in building a fence), and then we parted ways.

    I made some calls to the local building and zoning departments, but apparently in the town where I live there aren’t any ordinances that would force my neighbor to build a fence, as he had hinted.

    The outcome of this encounter may not have been ideal, but I had to consider this a win. At least I’d spoken up and expressed my concerns, which I wouldn’t have done in the past.

    My next opportunity to express myself was at a kid’s birthday party, which was being held at a community pool. (Who knew pools caused so many confrontations!)

    A friend and I were talking, but someone kept squirting us with water. After a while we realized it was coming from an adult, which was a surprise, and we moved away from the area. Shortly thereafter, though, the squirting continued, this time hitting not only us, but the friends we’d moved closer to. It seemed clear at this point that we were being targeted on purpose.

    This would have been the perfect opportunity to confront the perpetrator, but my friend beat me to it, getting up out of her seat and marching over to the offender.

    It did not go well. I won’t get into the details, but she was called an offensive slur and a lifeguard ended up getting involved.

    It was during this incident that I was reminded why confrontation is so scary for me—what if someone gets mad at me?? However, I also saw that saying nothing meant being treated in a way that made me and everyone around me upset and uncomfortable, and no one should sit in silence in that sort of situation, even if it’s as minor as getting splashed at a pool.

    My third opportunity for confrontation came in my marriage, and I’m happy to say this one turned out very well, much better than the previous two encounters.

    My husband and I had been agitated, both in general and at each other, for a few days. One Friday morning we started talking about things and both ended up even more irritated, and our conversation ended with him making a comment about how I should (or rather, should not,) spend my money.

    Later in the morning, once we’d both had time to process things and my husband was at work, I called him.

    I told him all the ways I felt and all the ways I thought things were being mishandled in our relationship. By the end of the talk he was the one being proactive, suggesting that we needed to start carving out a block of reconnection time right after our daughter went to bed each night. He also apologized for his comment about the money.

    Confronting him about our disagreement and actually bringing into the light the things that were bothering me has made an enormous difference in our relationship. Since then I’ve felt confident in expressing how I feel at the moment I feel it, and he’s been incredibly receptive. I’m also more receptive to hearing feedback from him.

    I’ve had one other opportunity for confrontation since that day at the park, and this time it was regarding my daughter. And speaking up made me cry, but I’m glad I did it anyway.

    I had to take her to the dentist, something neither of us enjoys very much. I’m not a huge fan of this particular dentists’ office, but there aren’t many pediatric choices in my area.

    Admittedly, I was already not in a great headspace when we arrived at the appointment. We were taken to the back, and my daughter was asked to get up into the chair.

    The hygienist immediately started talking about how my daughter was going to have pictures taken (X-Rays), and then quickly started working on her teeth.

    My daughter starting crying at that point—she cries every time we go to the dentist. Have I mentioned she’s five?

    And then the hygienist started saying, over and over, “You don’t have to cry, stop crying, you don’t need to cry, don’t cry.” I came over and held my daughter’s hand and rubbed her leg, but the hygienist kept working and kept telling my daughter not to cry.

    This was really making my blood boil. If there’s one parenting tenant my husband and I stand by, it’s to let our child express and feel her feelings.

    This, coupled with the hygienist’s continued insistence that my daughter needed x-rays, but without discussing it with me first, pushed me over the edge.

    I started asking many, many questions about the necessity of the x-rays. As she answered with vague, boilerplate responses, I continued to feel frustrated, and realized I needed to tell her the thing that was really bothering me: Stop telling my daughter not to cry.

    She got defensive, and now it was my turn to start crying. I’m still new at this confrontation thing, and upsetting people, even when I disagree with them, makes me feel upset.

    I pressed forward, though, and told her that in our house, my daughter was allowed to express her emotions, even uncomfortable ones. I also told her I wanted to speak to the dentist about the x-rays and make my own choice about them.

    Later in the appointment, once I’d spoken to the dentist, my daughter was back in the chair getting the final treatment from the hygienist. She started to tear up again, and this time when the hygienist started to tell her not cry, she stopped herself. I considered that a win.

    Confrontation is really, really hard. For me, at least.

    I think it’s worth it, though. In just the month or two since I was inspired to start facing conflicts head on, I’ve improved my relationship with my husband and proven to myself that I’m willing to stand up for my child, which makes me feel like I’m being the mom I want to be.

    I think in order to start confronting others, you need a bit of bravery and a bit of a plan.

    You have to decide that you’re actually willing to talk to others, even if it’s going to be uncomfortable. Instead of making up random excuses in your head, you have to silence those fears and just go for it, no matter how worried you are about the outcome.

    My experience has shown me that it’s best to have a conversation when you’re calm, although that’s not always possible. When it is possible, though, I think being calm allows you to have perspective on the issues you really care about and have a clear vision of what you’re hoping to get out of the confrontation.

    In fact, I think that might be one of the most important factors to consider if you decide to take this on: What are you trying to achieve? Confrontation just for the sake of confrontation is pointless; you must have a reason to speak up.

    Do you want your boss to give you a raise? Do you want your sister to treat you like an adult? Do you want your child to move out of the house? Do you want your friend to start paying more attention to you than her phone? Figure it out ahead of time if at all possible.

    Once you’ve got a goal, you can decide what points you’d like to cover. This is, once again, assuming you’re able to pre-plan the confrontation.

    But what if you’re not? What if it sneaks up on you?

    Well, I think you have to do what I did at the dentist. You have to speak your truth in that moment, even if you cry. Yelling is acceptable, too, of course, though that may make it harder for the person to whom you are speaking to really take in what you’re saying.

    Remembering what you hope to get out of this is the most important thing, though. What’s your goal?

    Ultimately, confrontation will probably improve your life.

    Sometimes, though, you might lose a relationship. Your partner may not want you to stand up for yourself. Your coworker may not want you to take on more work and receive more credit. Your parents might not like that you’re leaving your high paying job for something that feels more satisfying to you.

    You’re not doing this for other people, though; you’re doing it for yourself. To prove that you know what you want and are not afraid to talk to other people about it. You’re not afraid to show the world what you really think and feel. You’re not willing to be treated poorly.

    In the end, anything that allows you to express what’s inside you is worth it. Even if you can’t get that fence built.

  • 10 Ways to Give the Gift of Your Presence (The Best Gift You Can Give)

    10 Ways to Give the Gift of Your Presence (The Best Gift You Can Give)

    A couple weeks back I shared a quote on Facebook that really spoke to me:

    “A child is going to remember who was there, not what you spent on them. Kids outgrow toys and outfits, but they never outgrow time and love.”

    I love this quote because it puts things in perspective, and it’s true not only for kids but for all of us. Sure, shiny things are nice and appreciated, but what we all really want is love, and time with the people who mean most to us.

    For those of us who are fortunate, the holidays are all about connecting with family—whether that means the family we were born into, the one we married (or chose not to marry) into, or the one we pieced together with a ragtag group of misfits just like us.

    But being with the people we love isn’t the same as being present with the people we love. Especially if we see these people all the time, it’s easy to be there but not.

    I know, because I’ve fallen into this trap myself. I’ve listened to my boyfriend talk while wondering about completely random, inconsequential things, like when my favorite show will start up again or whether I should cut my bangs.

    Or, on my worst days, I’ve held a full conversation with someone while rehashing painful memories in my head or worrying about the many things I can’t control.

    It’s human nature to sometimes do these things, but there’s no denying it can make a huge difference for the people we love when we’re fully present with them, and that presence is the best gift we can give. How can we do that? Read on…

    1. Take care of your own needs.

    This may seem like an odd start to this list, since the point is to be present with other people. But it’s much more difficult to be present when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or deprived of the things we need to function at our best.

    I know this from recent experience. For a number of personal reasons, I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I haven’t been getting as much exercise as usual because I’ve felt so drained.

    As a result, every time I talk to someone I have to consciously repeat what they said in my head, because my tired brain often interprets their words as something sounding like the teacher from Peanuts. I also have to resist the urge to be short with them, which, I’m embarrassed to admit, I sometimes do when I feel tired and sluggish.

    Especially if you have kids, it might be tough to get a good night’s sleep, tonight in particular. But do what you can to take care of your needs. Eat a healthy breakfast. Get out for a solo walk to clear your head. Set boundaries with people who drain you. As the saying goes, “You can’t give from an empty cup.”

    2. Fully listen—even if it’s a story you heard a million times before.

    Everyone wants to feel important, seen, and heard. Give your full attention instead of just waiting to talk, even if it’s a story you could repeat verbatim because you’ve heard it many times before.

    We often retell the stories that bring us the most joy—or alternatively, rehash the situations that have brought us the most pain.

    You don’t have to be an all-day sounding board for repetitive complaints (boundaries, remember?), but it could make a huge difference to lend your ear, your compassion, and your support, even if just for a while.

    3. Drop the judgmental story and accept people for exactly how they are in the moment.

    I shared a Winnie the Pooh-related meme on Facebook the other day that really resonated with me. The quote reads:

    “One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he’s basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all his friends. And they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they just love him anyway, and they never leave him behind or ask him to change.”

    Accept the people you love who are depressed. Accept the people you love who struggle with anxiety. Accept the people who can’t seem to get into the holiday spirit, maybe because they’re grieving or coping with a pain they never discuss.

    I don’t know about you, but I’ve been all of these people before. And I appreciated the people who didn’t expect anything more than I could be and give.

    It’s such a massive weight off our shoulders to know we can simply show up as we are, without pretending or having to justify why we feel how we feel.

    4. Talk first, tech later.

    These days we’re all essentially living double lives—the one where our feet take us from place to place and the one we’re our hands swipe from dopamine hit to dopamine hit. (For those who are unfamiliar, dopamine is essentially the “feel good” chemical that gets activated when we experience some type of reward—e.g.: social praise.)

    I know how seductive tech connection and social media can be, but try to be fully available to the person right in front of you—even if you’re tempted to text other people “Happy holidays!” during a real-life conversation, or post your ugly Christmas sweater pic on Instagram.

    As I’ve said before, your texts will be there later, but the person in front of you will not.

    5. Don’t be the Ghost of Christmas Past.

    If you’re reliving happy Christmas memories, then sure, go for it. But if you’re comparing this year to years past unfavorably, try to let it all go. Especially if you’re feeling bad about what you did last year versus what you did this year.

    So what if you gave more expensive gifts last year? No one reflects with a calculator in hand; they remember the love and thoughtfulness. So what if more people showed up last Christmas? Time with anyone you love is precious, whether it’s one, ten, or more.

    This is something I’ve had to work on this year. I’ve only missed one Christmas with my family in my entire life, but for personal reasons, I wasn’t able to fly back this year.

    Given that this is my favorite annual tradition, I’ve resisted, at times, that I won’t get to join “the ginzo convention,” as our gatherings have been called. (My apologies to any Italians who are offended; we actually find this more endearing than derogatory.)

    But this year I’ll be with my boyfriend and his parents. And it will be different but no less wonderful. There will be other Christmases with my family, but this is the only opportunity to appreciate and enjoy this year’s plan.

    6. Notice the little things.

    When we’re caught up in our heads, dwelling on the past or anticipating the future, or otherwise distracting ourselves from the moment, we miss the details.

    You can only compliment your sister’s taste in holiday décor if you look up, look around, and take it all in.

    You can only notice your grandmother’s new brooch (or is it only mine who had an impressive gaudy Christmas pin collection?) if you’re not just looking at her but really seeing her too.

    We all love compliments, and the best ones come from people who pay enough attention to notice the little things.

    7. Let people know their presence matters.

    Okay, so this one isn’t really about giving presence but rather appreciating someone else’s. Because really, that’s what this all comes down to—showing people they’re important to us.

    As I mentioned, I didn’t go home this year, and my family knows this has weighed on me. So each of them sent me Christmas cards with gift cards inside. My brother sent his with a Disney gift card, because he knows my boyfriend and I are annual pass holders. But that’s not what touched me most.

    Inside the card, he wrote, “Not home, but not forgotten.” Cue the waterworks.

    Not that I didn’t already know this, but this reinforced that I’m an important part of my family. My presence matters. I matter. I can’t think of a better gift than that.

    8. Sing a song, play a game, watch a home video, or do something that becomes a tradition.

    I don’t know about you, but I look forward to certain holiday traditions every year, and because these are things that only happen once a year, it’s instinctive to be fully present.

    For example, my brother and I watch A Very Brady Christmas—an incredibly cheesy movie that we enjoy nonetheless. And, though this one isn’t an annual tradition, my family and I regularly re-watch one specific home video from my grandmother’s house, from when I was about five.

    My sister, cousins, and I all sang songs (mine being Wudolph the Wed-nosed Weindeer—I was five, remember), and my grandmother had us reenact the story of Jesus’ birth, which she narrated.

    Though I no longer hold the same religious beliefs, it still touches me to watch this, especially since my grandmother’s now gone.

    If you don’t have a holiday tradition, start one now—something everyone will love and look forward to, or love to mock but fully show up for nonetheless.

    9. Get people talking about their passions.

    While it’s a beautiful thing to give people the gift of your presence, it can be equally beneficial to give them the gift of their presence—and most people find it much easier to be in the moment when they’re talking about something they love.

    When someone’s passionate about something, it’s like everything else falls away, kind of like in the movies when the spotlight turns on, the background noise fades, and it’s just the star, the light in their eyes, and they story they can’t not tell.

    One of my cousins is really into theater, and she’s in her early twenties, so she’s just coming into her own and figuring out who she wants to be. Whenever she talks about plays or auditions or the many impressive things she’s doing to give this a go, her enthusiasm is magnetic.

    And not only does this get her excited, it reminds me to keep pursuing what sets my heart on fire—to keep dreaming, keep trying, and keep filling my life with possibilities. So really, this is a gift we give and a gift we get.

    10. If you have trouble being present, just be present with yourself.

    Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we struggle to do all the ‘right’ things. I’ve often been hard on myself when I struggle because I want to do everything perfectly. I want to be perfectly considerate. Perfectly open-minded. Perfectly compassionate. Perfectly present.

    But we’re only human. Sometimes all these great practices are just plain hard to apply. Sometimes we’re tired, or sick, or overwhelmed, or anxious. Sometimes we can’t let go of the pain someone once caused, or can’t stop thinking about pain that might come.

    And I’ve decided that’s okay. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to briefly be present and then get lost in our head for a bit. It’s okay to accept someone in front of us then judge someone else—so long as we eventually recognize what we’re doing.

    All we can really do in these human moments is be aware, accept ourselves as we are, and give ourselves permission to be perfectly imperfect. The best way to get present again is to accept that we sometimes won’t be, let go when we struggle, and then try again.

    —

    Happy holidays everyone—and thank you for your presence here on Tiny Buddha! You make a difference, and you’re appreciated.

  • 13 Insights About Relationships That Could Save You A Lot of Pain

    13 Insights About Relationships That Could Save You A Lot of Pain

    “It’s amazing how quickly someone can become a stranger; it’s even more amazing how quickly someone can become a treasured friend.” ~Unknown

    The past six months have been unbelievably difficult for me.

    My “normal” life turned upside down and inside out, as my beautiful daughter continues to fight a complex pain condition, which took us all by surprise one bright and sunny Monday afternoon. And literally, in a single heartbeat, just like that, instead of a regular routine day of school, work and afternoon activities, our time was consumed with juggling doctors, hospitals, tests, and specialists—all of us fully devoted with how to help her heal.

    Oprah so aptly says that in life, lots of people want to ride with you when you’re in the limo, but what you really want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. Well, my friends, my limo didn’t just break down. It completely crashed, along with my world as I knew it.

    And when days and nights are both sleepless and endless, and you’re not cruising luxuriously through life in your limo but rather doing your very best at any given moment to barely crawl from point A to B without breaking down yourself, you start to realize even more so the complex, beautiful, fragile, and priceless value of real, genuine, consistent friendship.

    Sadly, a few people who I thought would walk me home sort of disappeared.

    They may have jumped off at their desired station—and I’ve come to understand that it’s alright; I truly only wish them well. Perhaps the fear that this could happen to them was all too much to bear, I get that. Or perhaps they are giving me space, I don’t know. All I know, is they aren’t here.

    Others not only ran to my bus, but jumped straight on, and continue to walk me home every single day. These people take the time to check in on me, hold my hand, let me cry, bring me food, make me laugh, and ensure I have enough coffee and love to keep on going through the day.

    I love these friends with all my heart and am so deeply thankful to have them on my journey.

    Here are some insights about people, relationships, and friendships from my bumpy bus ride that might be useful and comforting for you in your own interactions…

    1. Two people can look at the exact same situation and see it completely differently.

    I have always believed this, and I’m even more sure of this after hearing my friends repeatedly tell me how in awe they are of my unwavering strength and optimism while I have never felt more fragile, insecure, helpless, or scared. Perception is everything.

    2. We always see life as we are, not as it is.

    There actually isn’t an objective reality when it comes to people. Facts may be facts, but our viewpoint and our vantage point impact our ability to process the facts as they are neutrally.

    We look at life through our own personal filters, our own past experiences, beliefs, and paradigms. We see everything and everyone through our unique subjective lens that has been forming since we were younger.

    As Marcel Proust wrote, sometimes, the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes, but in having new eyes. If we are courageous enough to remove the lens through which we currently view a situation, we may discover something worth looking at, that we didn’t see before. This is true for opinions and advice. Think about a current dilemma in your life. What aren’t you considering? What are you possibly overlooking because you are still seeing the situation through the same lens?

    3. People change.

    I sometimes secretly wish we would stay exactly as we are, but I know that we are designed to grow. We are allowed to. I am learning to give myself permission to grow and change. Let yourself. Let others. Everyone deserves that.

    4. People come into our life for a day, a week, a month, a season, perhaps a year or longer, always to teach us something.

    Thank them, always. Even if they cause you pain. Some lessons hurt, a lot. In fact, during these challenging months, the voice of my workout instructor reminds me “If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you”—true for fitness, true for relationships, true for life. Each person we meet has been brought to us as a gift. Our job is to unwrap it, whatever it may be.

    5. You are allowed to close doors to protect yourself, you may even say goodbye, but never wish someone harm.

    This is the hardest for me personally. My heart is very big and maybe too hospitable and welcoming at times. To look after yourself and preserve what you value most, you sometimes have to be selective about who you let in.

    If someone steals your joy, keep them out. It’s a basic premise of safety and security. Give someone the benefit of the doubt—until they give you reason not to. Then don’t.

    There is a critical difference between being a volunteer and being a victim. The first time someone hurts you, you may or may not see it coming. Like me, I always try see the best in people. And when it hurts and you face a blow to the heart, you come crashing down because you never expected that or foresaw it coming your way.

    If the same person hurts you again, it’s now up to you to see them coming. It’s up to you to set new boundaries to protect yourself. You can be kind to everyone, but not everyone belongs in your inner circle.

    6. You may be willing to do more for others than they do for you.

    Don’t change who you are. Keep doing your thing. People may surprise us. Sometimes they really let us down. Others may step up in ways we never imagined. If you keep a checklist, you’ll often be disappointed.

    Never do things for others just because they would do things for you. You get to decide what kind of person you want to be. And if you choose to give 300%, then go for it, regardless of what others give you in return.

    If you do something for someone just because they did it for you or you want something back, you are doing business, not kindness. Just be yourself, without calculating what you’re receiving in return. When we live this way, we come from a place of generosity and abundance. It’s so much nicer to live this way.

    7. Choose your inner circle wisely.

    We have limited energy. Choose to surround yourself with people who make the time and effort to lift you up, who genuinely care about you, encourage you, and want to see you win. Our time here is limited, precious, and fragile. Choose your sacred relationships, friendships, and partnerships wisely.

    8. Actions speak louder than words.

    We can have the best intentions in the world, but our lives are measured by our actions. If you mean well but don’t do well, no one can read your mind. At the end of the day, what counts is what we do.

    I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt—often only seeing the goodness in others myself—but when you are in a tight space, what you really need at the end of the day is someone to help you breathe and get you out, not just someone who thinks about you but doesn’t show up and hold out their hand for you to grab.

    That being said, sometimes people can’t show up for us because…

    9. People are always fighting battles we can’t see, or may know nothing about.

    Remembering this will help us be patient, kinder, more empathetic, and far less critical and judgmental. Life is hard and some days we dress up and show up using every ounce of energy and willpower we can possibly muster. We can’t be in top form all the time. No one can. We are human beings, not human doings, so let’s try to notice what’s going on with the people around us.

    10. Minimize the drama.

    We have limited energy, especially when going through a hard time, as I’ve been lately. Let’s preserve our energy for our goals, passions, purpose, and doing more good. We do not have to attend every drama we’re invited to. Decline the invitation and keep moving.

    If you feel you’re getting sucked in to drama—gossip, or creating conflict where there doesn’t need to be any, for example—take a step back and pull away. Keep yourself focused on your needs, your passions, and your purpose. Drama isn’t good for anyone.

    11. It’s okay to gently drift away from people.

    There are seasons when gardens bloom and other seasons where branches lay bare. Let it go, let nature do its thing. We can’t force a flower to grow. Energy is real. If your intuition or gut says someone isn’t right for you anymore, listen carefully.

    12. Not everyone is going to love you or your choices.

    Your job is to love you and your choices. Your tribe will find you. If you live your life according to your values, and you make choices in alignment with them, the right people will be attracted to you and you will gradually ensure you are surrounded by people who are your best fit. Keep doing your thing. I have seen this so beautifully over the years. and when I look at my closest friendships and relationships today, it is testimony to this.

    13. Relationships, friendships, partnerships—they don’t work unless we do.

    Don’t assume that just because someone has been in your life for years, they are going to want to stay there. These are precious, treasured, cherished interactions that require thoughtful investment, attention, love, and care.

    If you want someone in your life, show them. Spend real time with them, genuinely check in on them, do your best in your own unique and special way to help them wherever you can, have fun with them, cry with them, celebrate with them, and please catch the bus with them.

    We are all just walking each other home.

    Who are you walking with?

    You have to really be in someone’s life in order to stay in someone’s life.

  • How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me

    How I Stopped Feeling Guilty About Doing What’s Best for Me

    “A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment.” ~Laurie Helgoe

    Do you ever worry that if you fulfill your needs you will disappoint others? Do you ever feel guilty for doing what’s best for you?

    For years, I felt guilty about taking time for myself. I thought that being alone, away from the rest of the world, meant being selfish. This was especially true in one toxic relationship that kept dragging me down because I was afraid to make a change. As a peaceful, compassionate person who’s always been a good listener and a giver, I was drawn to his unstable and needy behavior, thinking that I could help him change for the better.

    But after two years of having to deal with constant putdowns from a possessive partner who thought I was selfish every time I craved alone time, I knew I was nearing my breaking point.

    I remember one night, after an exhausting day at work, I joyfully looked forward to a relaxing evening. As I drove home, all I could think of was taking a hot bath, brewing a fragrant herbal tea, and putting on my favorite fluffy pajamas. Under the dimmed light of my reading lamp, snug in a warm bed, I got lost in the world of mystery and imagination that made my soul come alive.

    Just a few minutes into my reading session, I received a text from him, demanding me to “get ready in ten because we’re going out, and you don’t have a choice.”

    At first, I ignored the message and went back to my reading, since he’d made plans earlier that week to see his friends. Then he called but I didn’t pick up. Finally, after several attempts to reach me, he came rushing to my apartment, banging on the front door.

    I pretended to be asleep and didn’t answer. The truth is that I was frightened and reluctant to open the door given his usual aggressive behavior.

    I didn’t want to confront him because I knew he wouldn’t understand. I felt mentally and physically drained for having to constantly explain myself and for letting him manipulate me yet again. I was fed up with having to come up with believable reasons why I needed time for myself, and I was sick and tired of constantly changing my plans for him.

    But as he left, I started to feel horrible. I felt guilty about avoiding the situation and for not being able to stand up to him. What made me feel even guiltier was that I’d finally done what I was afraid to do for so long. I’d listened to my inner guidance and done what was best for me.

    Still, instead of going back to reading and enjoying my evening ritual, I opened up a one-pound bar of chocolate and slowly devoured the massive amount of fat and sugar in a matter of minutes. Instantly, I got back into my “happy” mood, thinking life was good again. But then, as the guilt of eating so much sugar slowly sank in, I found myself back at square one, feeling even worse.

    This happened over a decade ago, when I struggled with a full-blown sugar addiction. To compensate for my inability to say no, being a perfectionist, and staying in a toxic relationship, I’d eat sugar. A lot of it. I was so drawn to sweets and chocolate that I couldn’t go a day without eating at least a whole bar. It was part of my daily routine and something I considered normal.

    Sugar was the answer to all my hardships. It was my biggest excuse for staying where I was and not doing anything about my life.

    Unsurprisingly, I struggled with self-blame, feeling that I was deeply flawed because I was an introvert. In childhood, I was ashamed of being regularly humiliated by my math teacher in front of the whole class and continuously bullied by some of my classmates and older students. Later on, the same guilt haunted me in similar ways, but as I grew older, it became a part of me, almost like a sickness.

    After that day, I decided to end the toxic relationship that made me doubt my worth and scarred me emotionally for years. I finally found the courage to confront the person who’d used blaming, shaming, and threatening to cover up all of his wrongdoings.

    Throughout our whole relationship, I apologized every time he hurt me because I felt guilty for making him feel bad. I tried so hard to be the perfect girl who never made mistakes, never spoke her mind, and never messed up. I found myself agreeing with everything while my conscience screamed the opposite. For so long, I tried to fix what was broken. I felt hurt, lonely, and betrayed.

    The truth is that I believed I was responsible for what he felt. For his actions. For how he saw me. I was afraid of being judged, so I diminished my value to make him feel comfortable. And I was slowly losing myself.

    I became an obsessive perfectionist, paralyzed by the fear of not being good enough. Everything I did had to be absolutely perfect. But no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough to meet his expectations.

    Now, I know that the guilt I felt that night was the reaction I’d gotten accustomed to, my place of comfort that told me I was safe. But no matter how guilty I felt for doing what I felt was right for me, I gained invaluable courage to start making a change.

    It took a great deal of work, patience, and understanding, as well as learning through growth and change, to know what I wanted out of a relationship and how I wanted to be treated.

    I started with forgiveness. I forgave myself for not listening to my intuition and for treating my body and mind badly. Knowing that I cannot change the past and that I do not actually want to go back there, I became mindful of the mistakes I’d made and learned invaluable lessons.

    When I became honest with myself about what I wanted, I began to take care of myself, preserving my health, nourishing my body, and nurturing my soul. I made my priorities clear and realized what was important to me. I started eating healthy and exercising regularly.

    Finding the courage to put an end to my unhealthy relationship inspired me to take action and do something about my serious sugar addiction, which was slowly but surely destroying my health. I signed up for a wellness course that I’d been telling myself I would enroll in for months. Just reaching this place was a huge success for me, at the time.

    I remember the moment I got there, I freaked out, unable to catch my breath. All I wanted to do was leave and never return. I thought I wasn’t ready to give up sugar, since it was keeping me safe and comfortable. All I could think of was getting one more bite of my favorite chocolate while promising myself, “I’m quitting tomorrow.”

    After days of crying in agony and successfully completing the workshop, I decided to continue without sugar for the whole month. I promised myself that I would let go of the one thing that was making me happy momentarily but holding me back in so many areas of my life.

    And that’s when something incredible happened. I noticed that the more I held off sugar, the more I pushed myself to pursue other things. I started waking up early and meditating. I began making better food choices and training for long-distance running. Postponing the immediate gratification and choosing not to eat what was actually hurting me, made me a much happier, more productive person.

    I became completely aware that my vice provided a powerful short-term relief, but in reality, it was forming a vicious cycle that was leaving me feeling vulnerable, empty, and regretful.

    After I’d forgiven myself, I forgave others. No matter how hard it was, I found the strength to forgive anyone who’d harmed me and asked for forgiveness of everyone I had unknowingly or deliberately wronged in the past.

    Forgiving someone means that you are letting go of bitterness and resentment toward that person. It doesn’t mean that you need to contact them or continue having them in your life. Not at all. They don’t even have to know, but in your heart, you know that you have no sourness left, only love and acceptance.

    And finally, I accepted myself for who I am and for having my own needs. I went back to reading daily and taking courses and certifications to better myself and improve my skills. I started trusting my innate needs and desires because I finally realized that it’s up to me to decide how I spend my time and how much alone time I need.

    As introverts, we feel guilty for not talking enough, for not going out as often as we think we should, and for avoiding social situations because we need time alone. We often end up in toxic relationships because we give, we love, we care about other people’s feelings, and we don’t want to hurt anyone.

    But our alone time is so vital to our well-being that if we don’t listen to our needs we end up feeling frustration, resentment, and the inevitable fatigue that goes with them.

    Living life according to your own needs doesn’t make you a selfish person. It’s perfectly okay to spend time away from others, to fulfill your need to read, write, create, and explore. It’s okay to want to be alone and to enjoy it. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do to feel fulfilled, balanced, and connected to yourself.

    Never feel guilty for doing what’s best for you or for prioritizing what you value in life. Never feel guilty for being honest about how you feel, and never apologize for being you.

  • How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself

    How I Learned to Trust Others by Learning to Trust Myself

    “You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” ~Frank Crane

    I’ve had trust issues for as long as I can remember, but didn’t realize it until after my divorce.

    Divorce can be a traumatic experience, and in this case, it made me begin to take stock of my life. I began to reflect on my failed romantic relationships and why this was a repeat pattern for me.

    I realized then that I never let people in for fear they will let me down, belittle or make me feel small, or otherwise diminish me in some way. I keep people at a distance, and this impacts my ability to have close, connected relationships.

    I used to think I had trust issues because I grew up in a family where things were not “psychologically safe.” But I’ve come to realize there’s more to it than that.

    Have you ever struggled with trust issues thinking they were caused by something outside yourself? That trust was a matter of what other people did, how they treated you, or how they disappointed you? Maybe it’s time to consider that perhaps your trust issues are more about you than other people.

    While I may have some wounds from not receiving the emotional nurturing I needed when growing up, I have trust issues not because I distrust others, but because I don’t trust myself. What?!

    This was a surprising revelation. But, it helped me realize what I needed to do in order to truly trust other people—that was begin by trusting myself.

    You may have trust issues as well if: 

    • You view people with suspicion about their motives
    • You don’t share your true feelings
    • You assume the worst intentions by others
    • You make every interaction all about you—how could they do this to me?!
    • You doubt your own capabilities and decisions

    What happens when we are operating on a “non-trust” level? We keep ourselves closed off from all the opportunities available to us.

    Let me tell you a story about how this has played out in my life. One day I was out walking along a beautiful beach with a girlfriend. She said, “Wow—these guys around us are really checking you out.”

    “Really?” I asked.

    “That’s your problem!” she said. “You are oblivious.”

    And she was right. I was completely disengaged from the world around me because I didn’t trust it. I wasn’t open to people’s smiles, or their overtures, or even their kindness. I was basically checked out, and I rarely noticed when others made attempts at engagement.

    There have been many occasions when a person was about to open a door for me, but I was so busy being independent that I opened ir myself without even noticing their attempted act of kindness. This left me living a life that was mostly isolating and solo.

    Humans are social creatures, and we need human connection to feel alive and complete. When we cut ourselves off from this life-giving force because we are suspicious and don’t trust others, we harm ourselves more than any act of untrustworthiness we could experience.

    Yes, people will sometimes disappoint us, and yes, people will occasionally do malicious things. But, in the end, we have to get over this. We need to move on from continuously licking our wounds so we can heal them and start living fully again.

    As children we were naturally trusting, sharing our toys, our thoughts, and our hearts with abandon. It’s not until we were trained to distrust the world and “not talk to strangers” that we began to lose our innocence and belief in the inherent goodness of humanity.

    Or, we didn’t receive strong nurturing as kids, and this caused a wound that never seemed to heal properly. While it can be good to have a healthy dose of skepticism so as not to become victims—and we need to teach our kids to stay away from strangers to keep them safe—it is not healthy to remain closed off and shut down from the world.

    We must learn to trust despite knowing we may get hurt. It is only by opening our hearts that we can have flourishing relationships, see the opportunities around us, and begin to live a more fulfilled life.

    What happens when people let you down? You accept that they are imperfect beings and move on. What happens when you let yourself down? You do the same thing. This is where I think I got hung up. I didn’t trust myself, and this actually made it impossible to trust other people.

    We often project our feelings and beliefs onto others without consciously realizing we’re doing it. If we don’t trust ourselves to do the right things, we might project that onto other people and assume they too will let us down. If we don’t believe in our own inherent goodness, we likely won’t believe in anyone else’s.

    I had a hard time trusting myself because I never accepted myself as a flawed and imperfect being. I could never get over my own disappointment when I let myself down. What are some ways I let myself down?

    • Letting myself remain in an abusive relationship
    • Lying about my drinking addiction and hiding it from my family and friends
    • Not following through on a job opportunity I was too afraid I might get rejected
    • Not having the confidence to follow my dreams
    • Acting in ways that were counter to my moral values

    We can lose trust in ourselves in many ways, but then we can also build that trust back up.

    For me, I built my trust by realizing I wasn’t living up to my greatest self. I began to make conscious choices to change that. I got help for my drinking problem. I found the courage to take baby steps toward my ambitions, and each time I did, I built on that success. I focused on developing my personal strengths and growing as a person. Most of all, I strived to do the best I could in any given situation.

    Did I fail sometimes? Did I still let myself down? Of course, I’m imperfect. And this is okay. I found that if I was doing my best I could allow the occasional stumble without beating myself up or deciding that I couldn’t trust myself at all. And I could do the same for other people. If they occasionally disappointed me, I could recognize that this is what it means to be human.

    I realized I didn’t have to see things as black and white—that people, myself included, are either trustworthy or not. Because life is all about shades of gray. Sometimes people will let us down, but that doesn’t mean they always will.

    Even if people make mistakes, and even if we occasionally need to cut ties with people who continually hurt us, we can trust that most people have good intentions. And if we set the intention to always do our best, we can trust that we generally will, even if we falter at times.

    The way to resolve trust issues is to learn to trust yourself. When you believe that you are always doing your best, you’ll be able to extend this same belief to others. This will help you go out into the world and be open to people and experiences with curiosity and a pure heart, without bitter preconceptions.

    When we live a life full of integrity and trustworthiness to our deepest self, we can better learn to accept others’ mistakes and flaws, even if they hurt us. We can also learn to trust that despite what others may do, or how they might disappoint us, we will be able to get through it, our faith in humanity in tact.

    This will help us embrace life more fully and flourish in our widest and fullest potential—to spread our wings and fly.

  • Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

    Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

    “She was strong and weak and brave and broken… all at the same time.” ~Unknown

    My mom was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was seven years old. It’s a chronic condition that doctors say can be managed but not cured. The symptoms included manic high energy, depression, delusions, hearing voices, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality.

    There were many times of stability for her, when she was on the right medication, taking it routinely, and attending regular psychotherapy. But if any of these elements were missing, those moments were often short-lived.

    She was the type of woman who would speak to anyone in eyesight, make an instant connection, and fill the atmosphere with the kind of joy and laughter that would make anyone think of happy times.

    For me, as I knew her well, any extreme traits that did not resemble these were signs that her body was not responding to the medicine and she was having what doctors call an “episode.” These were the times I knew she had to be hospitalized for stabilization. Some episodes were milder than others, but all resulted in my sister and I having to make the tough decisions, for my mother’s well-being, that deep down inside hurt us to the core.

    We were like the three amigos, my mother, little sister, and me. We had a powerful bond, and my mother, being a single parent, taught us to be strong, independent, confident women. Growing up, I didn’t know that my mom having her episodes would become the norm, and taking her back and forth to the hospital would become routine.

    Years later it would never get easier, and each time felt like the first time. Each time I had to put on my armor jacket of strength, suck up my feelings of sadness, and be strong for my mother when she was not able to do that for herself. I had no idea back then that learning how to be so “strong” would eventually be my downfall.

    I remember my first time taking my mom to the hospital. My heart raced and my chest filled with so much pressure it felt as if I was about to explode. I was filled with such overwhelming sadness, anger, and helplessness that I couldn’t even express if I wanted to. It wasn’t the time.

    As we sat with my mother in the emergency room, waiting for her to get called back, everything moved in slow motion. Her rage of being taken to the hospital without her initial consent filled my ears with such vulgar slurs and hurtful words that I regularly had to remind myself it was her “condition” talking, not her.

    Life can put us in situations where we are forced to be strong even when we feel weak inside. Society will give you the impression that being strong is a good thing. We are programmed to show strength and not express our weakness. It’s almost this hidden outlook as if expressing your weakness will allow someone or a situation to break you, and once we are broken, we can’t put the pieces back together.

    We become so good at portraying strength; we fool others into believing that we have everything under control and do not need help. But, as I found over the years of being the strong one and continually putting on my armor jacket of strength, I was doing more harm to myself than good.

    Here are some lessons I’ve learned since realizing that being the “strong” one is not always the best solution:

    1. Don’t isolate yourself from others.

    There were many times when my mother’s episodes were extreme, and I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone in my inner circle. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through, and it felt like I was in a battle all by myself. Unlike a physical disease, there are so many negative stigmas that can come with having a mental disorder. The fear of both my mother and I being judged and ridiculed was enough to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself.

    During these times being social was the last thing on my mind. I avoided social outings with friends and family like the plague because I felt like I was going through things they wouldn’t understand.

    The more I isolated myself, the more toxic my mind became. When I was by myself, I would constantly dwell on my negative thoughts. They would race through my mind all day, and it was extremely hard for me to see the positive.

    On the days when I did have a brief interaction with my friends, I was no longer the voice of reason but instead the “Debby Downer” who no one wanted to be around. The calls eventually slowed down, and my circle of friends became smaller and smaller.

    Contrary to what I believed, when I finally decided to open up it made a world of difference for me. When I told a close friend the details of what I was going through, she said she could sense something was wrong with me and extended her listening ear. Even though she wasn’t able to directly relate, she had a close friend whose sister had a similar diagnosis, so she was able to understand my concerns and offer a few stress management tips.

    This one little moment speaking with my friend felt so freeing. I was finally able to open up to someone and not feel as if I was in a battle all by myself. Moments like those helped me realize that isolating myself was not aiding my strength but actually adding unnecessary stress.

    When you isolate yourself, you tend to feel like you’re in battle alone and forget that it’s innate for people who care about you to want to be there for you. Your friends and loved ones will be able to sense when something is wrong and will naturally want to offer support. By opening a dialogue, you might be surprised by how many people can relate in some way.

    Even if someone is not able to directly relate, there are hidden messages of encouragement that you can receive when you least expect it. Allowing yourself to be around others during these times can make a shift in your energy, which can help make your days brighter.

    2. Don’t hold your feelings inside.

    I think one thing many tend to forget is that holding your feelings inside doesn’t make them go away. When you bottle your emotions inside you are allowing the pressure of the build-up to take control of your body. These feelings cause more harm than good. When worrying becomes excessive, it can lead to feelings of high anxiety and cause you to become ill. Stress, according to the American Psychological Association, is the leading cause of some of the most severe chronic diseases.

    In the early years of my mother’s diagnosis, I would allow stress to consume my life. When high levels of stress would occur, I frequently became sick. I would frequent the doctor for stomach pains and was soon told that continuing on that path could result in causing a stomach ulcer.

    Being “strong” does not mean that you need to keep things bottled up with no outlet. This is an unconscious thing we tend to do without thinking about the long-term effects. It is vital that we allow ourselves to handle the crisis by finding a positive outlet. Meditation and exercise can be great tools to use that will allow you to release the energy needed.

    3. Let yourself be vulnerable.

    In every healthy relationship, there must be a sense of vulnerability. Whether we’re talking about a romantic relationship or a friendship, vulnerability is needed for each person to be in their truth and for the connection to be genuine.

    When you are put in situations where you have to be strong at all times you tend to build a wall up, what I like to call the “wall of protection.” This is a wall that builds over time and grows as you are forced to overcome more adversity.

    The more you are forced to be strong and fight your battles, the higher the wall gets. In these moments of struggle, you are forced to take on an intensive militant mindset, figure out the problem quickly, and find the solution. You have no room for errors or mistakes. Because you are the strong one, your mind thinks if you allow a mistake everything will crumble.

    I spent years unconsciously pushing people away without knowing it. I was accustomed to handling every battle that came my way on my own. My “wall of protection” eventually turned into this hard exterior that pushed everyone away, including men I was dating. It shielded my soft, playful side and turned me into someone who was a pro at masking her emotions.

    How can you have a genuine relationship with no vulnerability? How can anyone get to know you if they only see and understand one side of you? Eventually, that relationship will drift away because it has no foundation to stand on.

    By putting on your strong masquerade, you block others from seeing the real you. Without allowing someone to get to know you, including your fears and what makes you happy and sad, they are just getting to know your representative, not your true self.

    What if you didn’t have to fight the battle alone? By allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admitting when you are going through hard times, you allow yourself to receive love. And love is by far the most prominent weapon one needs to overcome whatever obstacles come his or her way.