Tiny Buddha

Tag: relationships

  • When People See the Worst in You: Perceptions Aren’t Always Accurate

    When People See the Worst in You: Perceptions Aren’t Always Accurate

    “If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” ~Virginia Woolf

    If you’ve ever listened to someone’s description or opinion of you and it sounded completely alien, you probably found yourself wondering where on earth they were coming from.

    We are told that on a universal, spiritual level, the way you perceive someone is more than just an opinion; it’s actually a reflection of you being projected onto that person.

    So if someone tells you that you’re beautiful, kind, or have a good heart, they can only do so because those qualities are present within them. Conversely, if you see someone as dishonest, unkind, or manipulative, that’s because you, yourself, are projecting those parts of you onto the other person.

    When I was going through the depths of healing from adultery and my marriage breakup, I recalled a lot of things my ex-husband told me about myself—some of which I accepted, a lot of which I did not.

    It was very important to me to use forgiveness, self-love, and a sense of perspective as my tools to move on. I worked hard on my own issues, and accepted responsibility for the things within me that had brought me that harsh experience.

    But I have always struggled with this concept that “you can only see in others what you have within you.”

    It’s not because I only want to believe the good things people say about me, or because I think I have no bad traits.

    It’s because when dealing with unacceptable or in some cases abusive behavior in life, it is very difficult to hear and accept that the negative conduct you have received from someone else is simply your own darkness being brought into the open, and nothing to do with the other person.

    This was how I had always interpreted such teachings, and doing so made me feel worse about myself instead of better.

    I now understand that it is possible to witness or observe a behavior objectively, for what it is, without necessarily being that yourself.

    This is true of both positive and negative interactions. For example, I can acknowledge and deeply admire those who can speak publicly with great confidence, but I don’t possess this ability.

    This is not a defeatist attitude or low self-esteem talking; it’s simply an observation. Likewise, I can see someone’s behavior toward me as negative or destructive, but know I’m not like that. I no longer feel the guilt of believing that in order to have observed it, I must be like that too.

    What I believe is that we all have is the potential for the behaviors we are being shown.

    I know that I have the potential for great public speaking, and I know I have the potential for manipulative or intolerant behavior. But though can I recognize these traits in others, it’s not who I choose to be right now.

    This is not intended as way to avoid responsibility for your own behavior, or an opportunity to judge others while saying “but I’m not like that.” But it is important to know, especially when we are feeling emotionally vulnerable, that sometimes it isn’t about us; it’s about them.

    Here are three ways of working out whether what a person says about you is really a reflection of themselves. It’s also useful and healthy to use this exercise from the opposite perspective to see if you are ever projecting your own issues onto another:

    1. Is their opinion about me something I’ve felt about myself?

    We have a deep knowledge of our own psyche—our fears, our dreams, our abilities, and our strengths and faults.

    Does what the other person is saying ring true on any level? If they are saying great things but the words sound hollow to you, it won’t really be about you. But if your heart lifts when someone calls you generous, it’s because you know you are, and they have struck a lovely chord.

    2. Is their opinion about me something I’ve been shown by other people?

    Although trusting your own inner knowing is vital, we are interactive creatures with varied experiences of each other.

    Unless you have a real Jekyll and Hyde personality, other people’s perceptions of you will be largely similar. So, if one person is telling you that you are arrogant and stubborn, while everyone else sees you as kind, patient, and tolerant, then it’s most likely that this one person is bringing their own issues into what they are saying about you.

    3. Do they have another agenda?

    Does the person telling you about yourself want something from you emotionally or physically? Are they speaking to you, or about you, from a place of love, or fear?

    If they have an agenda, then what you are being told about yourself, whether good or bad, is likely to be manipulation on their part and no reflection on you.

    So why are we being told and shown things by others’ behavior if it’s not actually about us?

    I believe that the actual message, whether it’s “you are selfish” or “you should be a professional dancer,” is not the end purpose of the exchange.

    It’s what we learn about ourselves from our response that really matters. Is the comment something we need to pursue or let go of? Does it require a reply or acknowledgement? What does it say about us if we accept what they say, or don’t?

    The things being presented to us through other people’s actions or words simply show us what we are capable of, not necessarily what we are.

    For me, encounters and interactions with others are ripe learning opportunities for growth. We learn to use discernment, tolerance, compassion, and gratitude. We are shown the potential to be strong inspiring and happy; we are also shown the potential to be fearful, negative and unloving.

    What we choose to be is up to us.

  • How to Recognize and Help When Someone Needs Support

    How to Recognize and Help When Someone Needs Support

    “When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another-and ourselves.” ~Jack Kornfield

    After planning the next three months of my life in my head, trying to focus on my breath and recounting the plans for tomorrow, I decided my battle with insomnia was going to win. I got up, careful not to wake my husband, and decided to start reading.

    Nestling into the lines of my latest library book well after midnight, my phone began to beep.

    Even in the most quiet of the night, are we ever really alone?

    I thought to myself, who else could be awake at this hour? It was my twin sister all the way across the country, struggling with insomnia herself. Ready to share my latest updates with her, something in me encouraged me to ask how she was doing and why she was still awake.

    It was in the stillness of the evening that I slowed down to think of someone other than myself.

    I wondered, if the sun was brightly shining and I was carrying on with my own busyness, would I have answered her text message? If I were rushing through the day, would I have noticed her hint of sadness?

    She recounted the daily stressors and recent disagreement with a friend. In her written words, I sensed an echo of loneliness, a tinge of yearning for connection.

    So often in the busyness of our own self-absorbed lives we fail to notice when others are in need of connection. If we are in need, can’t we recognize that others are too?

    So many of us feel alone in our day-to-day trials, but as I remember learning as a young girl, when we focus our love on others, it betters our own hearts too.   

    How to take a few minutes out of your busy day for others:

    1. Do not hesitate to make the call.

    My sister-in-law started a movement within our family. Nonchalantly one night, she mentioned on my voicemail, “I decided if I’m thinking of someone to call right in that moment—and so I’m calling you,” she said.

    It does not take too much time just to say hi. Even if you cannot talk long, the gesture of your voice might be the song someone needs to hear.

    2. Write it out the old fashioned way.

    I’m a lover of stationary and stickers—the Internet’s nemeses. Nowadays, our mailboxes overflow with countless bills, excessive ads, and unwanted insurance offers.

    Be daring and surprise someone with a note, even if it’s just a few short sentences. You’ll only spend a few cents on postage, but your thought and care will be that bright treasure amongst the gloomy pile of trash.

    3. Imagine if it were you.

    When we hear about others’ problems, often times our objectivity offers a healthy perspective. Other times, however, it distances us from the emotional heartache and pain of those in need.

    When you hear the weakened voice of a loved one or look into fading eyes, try to open yourself wider and truly see the situation from their perspective. Genuinely saying, “I hear you” creates understanding and connection.

    4. Listen.

    I’m a talker and a fixer. When I hear someone’s problems, halfway through the story I want to rattle off my suggestions. But sometimes, we just need to vent. We need the ear of another to soak up the words of our wounds.

    I am learning this more and more each time I need to cry out and am not heard. We all have so much to say so often, so many times silence and a gentle nod of acceptance is what we really need.

    5. Think of your mother.

    What did we need when we were younger? Our mothers. No matter how diverse or painful our relationships were with our mothers or if they are no longer with us, we can all become that wise-feminine soul to stabilize the masculine vigor of our modern world.

    While action, goal setting, and swiftness are much needed, so are vulnerability, softness, and nurturing elements.

    6. Become a comedian.

    We hear about the positive biological impact of laughter. Be an advocate yourself. If you have offered time and encouragement, lighten the setting with a little laughter. Be sure to gauge your joke as not to offend but rather soothe.

    As my sister and I completed our novel length texts back and forth, she appreciated the words we shared and I saw our conversation as a compliment of her trust in me.

    We may not all have those two o’clock in the morning bonding opportunities with our siblings as the rest of the world dreams, but we all have twenty-four hours to seek out a wounded soul in need of our light.

     

  • Making Friends When You’re Afraid People Won’t Understand You

    Making Friends When You’re Afraid People Won’t Understand You

    Friends

    “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

    Tonight I am troubled because I have graduated college, and as I am looking back, I am hyperaware of my losses.

    In the past few years, I have had the opportunity to make many friends and lose many friends, largely because of my inability to understand and articulate my bipolar disorder to others. I am ashamed at times because of the mood swings that others seem to dismiss as problems that are “all in my head.”

    I have lost countless friends, have had relationships end, and have had family members retract because of my seemingly endless cycles of depression and sudden elevation that makes it nearly impossible for others to “sync up” with me.

    It feels as though I am eternally trapped sometimes; even with medication and therapy, this illness still manifests itself in subtle ways, making intimacy (which I equate with understanding) very difficult.

    I have personally known friends and family members with disabilities and illnesses of their own who isolate themselves because they think the challenge of relating to others is too much.

    And I sympathize with them—it sometimes really is! These friends have started seeking out others with other illnesses; they’ve decided to select friends with similar traits versus values.

    It may seem like seeking out those similar traits will lead to understanding, but it won’t necessarily lead to solid relationships. Shared illness and disabilities don’t guarantee shared interests and priorities.

    Illnesses and disabilities don’t tell us who people are as people; it’s really about what they do with the cards they are dealt that reveals their character.

    Some people choose to align with others with similar traits because it’s easier than discovering what their values are. However, the connections made with values are a lot more authentic because values are self-made, not pre-determined.

    And as much as I personally want to give up on seeking these connections sometimes, I remember that we are all different in our own way, and most of us feel like there is some sort of deficit in us one way or another.

    If it’s not bipolar disorder, it may be one’s weight that one is unhappy about, one’s health status or family baggage that holds one back from putting oneself out there to the world. Vulnerability is hard!

    I don’t want to limit myself to only those who can understand me because they have the same illness. I am far too curious about the lives of others as well, although sometimes it is disheartening because I haven’t always had this reciprocated.

    I am conflicted about whether I should live a life of transparency and be upfront about my mental illness to those I meet because I am so afraid of being judged.

    The point is, I have put myself out there before, and the fact that I take personal responsibility, admitting that my moody behaviors have shocked, hurt, and offended others before, makes it both liberating and frustrating.

    I almost want to stop letting new people into my life; the weight of rejection feels like too much sometimes.

    There are a few things I remind myself to get out of this rut.

    1. The more I get to know myself, the more I can predict my tendencies and practice self-care.
    2. The more honest I am with others, the more honesty I am inviting from them, and the more likely I can help set the tone for intimacy.
    3. The more people I come to contact with, the more likely I will come across individuals who might be healthier for me and be in a place to work with me.
    4. The more people I come across, the more practice I will have in learning understanding, self-control, and compassion.
    5. The more I obsess about making a mistake with a new person, the more likely I will.

    Therefore, despite my failed friendships and relationships, I have strong conviction that the strongest relationships are those with deep commitment—and that the first and strongest relationship should be that which is with yourself.

    I have committed to not let past fears and rejection hold me back. This commitment is a type of freedom in itself, and a small model of what I can aspire to in relationships with others.

    Have you ever felt limited by the fear that others won’t understand you? What’s helped you overcome it?

    Photo by Nicole Abalde

  • Opening Up to the Possibility of Love: 3 Things to Remember

    Opening Up to the Possibility of Love: 3 Things to Remember

    Sunset Couple

    “Love takes off the mask that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”  ~James Arthur Baldwin

    I sat silent on one end of the phone. I could hear my own breath and heart pounding in my ears.  I was sitting on the precipice of greatness, and all I had to do was express what I was feeling. Sounds relatively straightforward, so why did I feel so anxious?

    To say that I have worked hard at rediscovering my authentic self would be an understatement. I have been on this quest in one form or fashion since I was seventeen, so about seventeen years now. And I have made significant progress, if that is the most correct way to label my journey.

    I have struggled with eating disorders and self-acceptance and self-love and compassion and kindness for others. I have done away with meaninglessness in my life for the most part. I have gotten away from placing importance on material possessions and have worked to simplify my life.

    I am more content and sure of myself and who I am than I have ever been. So why would uncomfortable silence throw me for such a loop at this stage in the game?

    To be perfectly honest, although I have demonstrated gains in areas of my life, I have yet to find someone who is a kindred spirit. As I have come to know myself better, I have been better able to express and identify what I truly want in a partner. That being said, dating has been less than successful.

    More often than not, dates have ended with blank stares from across the table when I open my mouth about my spiritual journey. I have never been able to fully express to another the very thing that defines my existence on earth, and have it received in kindness and understanding.

    So, when I met Rob for the first time, he literally took my breath away. I immediately detected his soul, his compassion, and passion for life. I recognized his connection with his feelings, and yet his ability to not take the whole process too seriously.

    In him, I saw myself. For the first time, I did not feel alone. I did not feel different. I felt like I was home. 

    So, back to the phone call: the reason I was so nervous was that, although I had this intense connection with Rob, we were at a crossroads. I could sense that we both wanted to address it, and at the same time neither of us wanted to address it.

    We were so early in our developing relationship, I felt like I needed to let him know how intensely I felt about him and how incredibly special I thought our connection was. And boy, was it scary!

    And in that moment of silence, I reflected back to helpful ideas I had used in learning to love and accept myself. Incredibly, they applied in this new relationship and how I needed to proceed in expressing my feelings.

     1. Stay present and stay you.

    During our conversation, I felt this urgent need to run and hide from the emotion building inside me. I felt like I wanted to crawl back inside my shell and disengage from the desire to open up completely to him.

    We were obviously attracted to one another, but the old voices of fear of rejection and fear of not being good enough crept back into my head. I realized that I had gone through that when I was learning how to love and accept myself.

    I had all of the preconceived notions of who I was or should be, and had to demystify all of that and realize that I am enough just the way I am. As is.

    I had to continuously get myself back to my center, to focus on the present moment and trust in the process of being my authentic self, knowing that the person who was supposed to cross my path, would.

    2. Live openly and honestly and speak from your heart.

    As I learned to accept myself, I found that speaking from my heart became easier. It’s not that we deliberately try to deceive others, but we often do a good job of deceiving ourselves.

    Trying to stop emotion and put up your defenses won’t do anyone any good. It may protect you in the short term, but you are the only one who will be harmed in the end. It will be you who misses out on true happiness and joy.

    Things may not always turn out the way you envisioned, but there is no defeat in living with pure intention.

    3. Go all in and accept that it may fail.

    Part of discovering myself again was learning as I went along. But unlike times before when I was harsh and self-defeating when I made a misstep, I was kind with myself. I gave myself some encouragement, the benefit of the doubt, and got back up and continued the best I could.

    When I finally trusted myself and accepted myself fully, I was able to mess up completely, yet be okay with it, because I knew I was doing my best and had set out with good intention.

    In the same manner, I had to realize that I am not perfect and neither is my partner. Showing compassion when there is a misstep is what will make the bonds stronger. That is how I needed to view Rob and our budding relationship.

    We had established similar core beliefs and journeys and now I had to trust in that as being the foundation for whatever was ahead of us.

    If that meant faltering and deciding we were not as compatible as we first believed, then so be it. I couldn’t be disappointed if I gave it my all and at least attempted something amazing.

    The phone call ended with me bumbling through my feelings pretty inefficiently. And wouldn’t you know it, he reciprocated and expressed relief about me bringing it up. He too felt like we had a connection and had great interest in pursuing it.

    If there is one thing I could leave you with it would be this: Don’t harden yourself to that pure emotion. Open up and welcome it in. Let it flow through you. Let the tears well up in your eyes and say the things your heart whispers. The person who is meant to hear those words will.

    Photo by Darren Johnson

  • Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    Find Yourself Before You Find Love

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    After a few years of living through the betrayal and anger of my divorce, my friends decided it was time for me to start dating again.

    They took me out to the bars, dressed me up, bought me drinks, and showed all the men how cute I was.

    I didn’t feel cute. I felt like a fraud.

    The bar scene was not for me. I felt like a piece of meat wrapped in cellophane on the shelf waiting for a man to decide which one he’d like to eat.

    I dressed up in my newly skinny body and looked the part of the fun loving girl, but inside all I felt was desperation.

    I put on makeup so men would think I was pretty.

    I exercised so my body would look good for others to gaze at.

    I smiled and giggled so men would think I was fun and funny.

    I didn’t feel fun, funny, pretty, or like I wanted to be looked at. I felt scared.

    I kept grasping at a portrait of who I wanted everyone to think I was. I so wanted to be this picture perfect representation that I thought men wanted. I wanted a man to like me so I could feel loved and validated.

    I finally realized my imaginary self-portrait was who others wanted, not who I wanted to be now. I was not being true to my new self.

    So I trashed the portrait, went home, and got my act together.

    I wanted to find love again but not like this. Not by picking up someone in a bar who was looking for love in all the wrong places, just like I was doing. I needed to learn to love myself, because no one else could do it for me.

    I wanted to find love by knowing who I was. Then I could find someone who complemented me. So I stopped going out and started to learn who I was, what I wanted in life, and what I deserved in a man.

    What I did learn from speaking to men in bars is that real men want real women. I decided to learn how to be real. Learning how to be real would require some investigative research on my part. I had lost myself in my marriage. It was time to find me.

    I decided to step out of my proverbial box. I had to try new things and figure out what activities I liked, and which ones I needed to stay away from.

    I traveled to developing countries. I had my palm read and visited a mind reader. I went kayaking, took up road biking, hiked on volcanoes, rode zip lines through the rain forest, joined book clubs, learned to meditate, I found out what tai chi was.

    I started to visit international restaurants. I went to museums and hung out in coffee shops. I got my yoga teacher certification and started to teach. I tried things I had always wanted to do but never could while I was married.

    I had fun. I learned that I favored Thai food over Italian food. I learned that I can ride thirty-five miles on a bike and love it. I learned things about me I never knew.

    I stopped wearing most of the makeup I had worn thinking it made me look good so men would like me. Instead, I decided to look good for myself.

    I stared at myself in the mirror and told myself over and over that I am beautiful, even though I didn’t believe it. The more I told myself I was beautiful, the more I began to feel good about myself. 

    I wanted my beauty to be defined by my self-confidence, which began to return when I started to truly believe in what I began to represent.

    I started to dress the way I wanted to felt, not the way I wanted to be looked at. I wanted free flowing clothes that I could move in. I wanted to be able to feel my body, not the clothes pinching me.

    I started to exercise because it made me feel good, not so I would look good. I accomplished both by doing what I wanted for me, not for them. I found exercise that I loved to do. I increased my yoga practice and kept on walking. I took up rowing and increased my biking.

    I stopped going to bars to meet men. Instead, I went to the occasional bar to hang out with friends and to be social.

    I stopped looking at men as the answer to my problems and started looking at myself to solve them.

    I realized I needed to know what my interests were if I wanted to attract a man who shared them.

    When I learned what I liked, I became happier than I had ever been before. I learned to be true to myself, not someone else.

    I realized that I had been incomplete without the self-knowledge required to define my own boundaries, my likes, and my dislikes. Without knowing what my boundaries were, I could never attract a person into my life that could live within them. I had never known how to define and stand up for my own beliefs.

    When I felt confident with my new self, I joined a dating site. I was far more aware of the kind of person I wanted to attract because I knew who I was.

    Writing my profile specifically for what I wanted and how I wanted a man to treat me was far better than telling someone to take me on a romantic date, when I couldn’t define what I thought a romantic date was.

    So get on with it. What are you waiting for? Get out there and experience life. Find out who and what you are. Live life by yourself. Be happy by yourself. It’s your life; make it what you want. Don’t look for someone else to do it for you, because they can’t. Only you can know who you really are.

  • Why Empathy Can Sometimes Help More Than Advice

    Why Empathy Can Sometimes Help More Than Advice

    Hug

    “I have just three things to teach simplicity patience compassion these three are your greatest treasures.” ~Lao Tzu

    I have two teenagers. Anyone with children knows these years can bring their challenges. One minute they behave like a four year old and the next they are as mature as an adult. These fluctuations can pose difficult times.

    One day, after a particularly emotional and tough interaction with my son, I called my mother for advice. She had by all accounts raised three successful sons.

    After a long and detailed discussion of what had happened, she said, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard.”

    That was it, not a single word of advice—just some empathy. I pictured her on her old fashioned phone with the rotary dial and the wires just making a simple statement. I was frustrated. I wanted advice; I wanted some magical activity or action plan that I could use to make it better.

    In my opinion this interaction with my mom was useless.

    Feeling frustrated, I called a very dear friend who has two teenage children and whose mother is a PHD psychiatrist. With children the same age, we had been sharing child-rearing stories for many years.

    I figured with that level of education his mother must have some advice. I gave him a short synopsis of the story and asked if he thought his mother could provide some any advice. “Oh yeah…” he responded, in a way that I knew there was a story to follow.

    He told me that a couple of weeks earlier he had been working on a project in London that required working sixteen hour days. Exhausted from both the hard work and plane ride home, he landed in the US after a long flight home.

    When he landed he turned on his phone and saw an email from his mother. Delighted to hear from her, since he had not corresponded with in a while, he read the email immediately.

    The email was very a long description of her concern for him. While the email was articulate and detailed, it was full of detailed changes of he “should” make for both his children and his family.

    He interpreted the message from his mom as criticism that he was not doing what he should, and his own mother was telling him he needed to change. Before deleting the email he responded to his mother, “Please don’t send any more emails like this.” 

    Even as he retold the story I could hear how much the email had hurt his feelings.

    My dear friend is thoughtful, articulate, kind, hardworking, good looking, and brilliant. My own wife often says that she wishes I were more like him. In short, he’s a great dad and a wonderful husband.

    Advice Is Not Always What We Need

    After hearing this story, I realized there wasn’t anything my mother could say that was going to help me in my situation with my son. Advice from her about what I “should” do differently was going to feel like criticism or be impossible to act on.

    I had created my own problems and could create my own solutions like most of us can. Often times we simply lack the confidence or the self-respect to make the necessary changes.

    Even though I did not know it at the time my mother’s simple empathy and acknowledgement of the difficult situation was the thing I needed.

    I wanted a magical solution, but it didn’t exist. Her empathy and acknowledgement of the challenge was all I needed. Like most advice, we seldom know we need it when we receive it. If it’s truly useful we absorb it and use it without thinking about it.

    Today when I have problems with my teenagers, I hear her voice telling me, “Oh honey. It’s so hard.” Sometimes it is, and that’s okay.

    How to Remember

    Remember, when someone calls for personal advice the most valuable thing we can do is acknowledge the situation without judgment and remind them that we care deeply. My mother does it with a Bostonian’s paucity of words. Most of us need to say more.

    In an effort to remind myself of this lesson, I have created a simple picture of the old fashion telephone my mother used until very recently. I post the picture in my workspace where I receive the majority of my calls.

    It’s there to remind me that most people do not want the instructions on “what to” or “how to” fix their problems, but rather to be reminded we care, are willing to listen and understand that sometimes life’s problems are not easy to solve.

    Photo by Anant Rohankar

  • Learning to Trust Again When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past

    Learning to Trust Again When You’ve Been Hurt in the Past

    “The only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    In a world where it seems as though all we hear about and see is how one person betrayed another, how do we allow ourselves to trust someone to get close at all, let alone trust them to be near the most fragile parts of us?

    Over the course of the last year, I’ve been working as an intern-counselor at a residential high school with around seventy teenagers. Many of them have come from unbelievably challenging backgrounds where they have had to learn to not trust anyone as a matter of survival.

    Imagine having spent your entire life always having to watch your back literally and figuratively, not just because there are strangers who may want to harm you, but also because even those who are supposed to be close to you could turn against you in an instant.

    How difficult do you think it would be to let down the defenses that kept you safe and in some cases, alive, for so long?

    In my own world, I’ve struggled with allowing people to really know me because for most of my life, it felt as though I was burned every time I did.

    Over time, I learned how to seem friendly but kept virtually everyone at a distance, and those who got too close I rapidly pushed away, sometimes completely out of my life.

    I was already struggling to put my pieces back together after several major tragedies in my family, and allowing others in meant (the possibility of) compounding my heartbreak. I just couldn’t handle anymore at the time.

    Eventually I began to open up, but each time found myself wondering why I had been so naive again.

    Then there came a point where, slowly but surely, people began to enter my life who showed me what it meant to be able to trust—trust them to show up, trust them to listen, trust them with commitments, and the biggest one of all, trust them with my heart.

    These people came in the form of friends who are now my family and have had my back in countless ways over the years, and the most surprising and recent of all, a man who is not only telling me, but showing me, what a man does to express his profound interest beyond just the physical.

    If I wouldn’t have begun to take down my walls, I may have never found these amazing people. They didn’t appear because I had perfectly learned to trust already. They appeared because I was willing to learn to trust, even if imperfectly.

    As I’ve been learning to trust and lower my defenses, I’ve been working with my students to do the same.

    Their stories are different in that many of them have come from a history of abuse and/or gang related activities. But we share a similar outcome in struggling to realize that what once protected us is no longer needed, and in some cases, is actually hurting us further by isolating us from the love we need to heal and move forward.

    It’s like taking too much medicine; sometimes a certain amount is necessary to get better, but beyond that it can break our systems down.

    We each come to crossroads in our lives where we have to make the decision to let go of our old survival mechanisms in order to grow and make room for something better.

    Sometimes what used to protect us becomes what harms us and stifles the capacity for our lives to be open and full of joy, love, and peace.

    When it comes to trusting each other, we have to accept that our past is not our present. We have to be able to recognize that what hurt us before is not necessarily what is currently standing before us—even sometimes when the situation looks frighteningly similar, and sometimes even when it’s the same person.

    Does this mean we won’t ever get hurt again? Nope. That’s a part of life. People will let us down, and we will let them down, but that doesn’t mean our efforts to disassemble our defense mechanisms are in vain.

    If we never allow ourselves any vulnerability, we lose out on the opportunity to make incredibly deep and meaningful connections that open up our lives in ways that couldn’t happen any other way.

    Those connections draw out the very best within and create a new reality—one where we learn that the only way to know if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

  • You Don’t Have to Be Lonely: Proactively Choose to Connect with People

    You Don’t Have to Be Lonely: Proactively Choose to Connect with People

    Happy Brother and Sister

    “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” ~ Epictetus

    Do you know that feeling when you are completely alone?

    I don’t mean in a calm, solitary, I-choose-to-be-on-my-own kinda way.

    It’s the alone that inflates with silence that makes your ears ring. It’s the ache in the pit of your gut that boils the insecurities and needless feelings of rejection. It’s the push of desperate pain that wells in your eyes and stains your cheeks.

    You know, that kind of alone?

    I never intended to feel this way. When I first moved to Paris, the images of hope and “my future starts here” were bursting from every pore.

    As I whizzed around daily life, getting to know my new colleagues, digging into shiny new work projects and exploring the jewels of this amazing city, I was so engulfed in the newness of it all that I made no time to stop and think about the long term.

    And there was no need to. I was embarking on an exciting new phase of my life. There was no time to stop and think!

    But then the newness faded. My colleagues became familiar to me. My job was less about discovery and more about delivery. My apartment was decorated. I was done being “new.”

    And that’s when reality finally sunk in.

    It was time for normality. Routine. Familiarity.

    But nothing in Paris was like my old life. I didn’t have any real friends here; nobody I could call and say “hey, let’s hang out together today.” Family were in a completely different country too.

    The emptiness was explosive.

    Humans are naturally social creatures, and I am not just gregarious; my energy comes from connecting with others. Taking this option away from me was like stripping my identity bare.

    I didn’t descend into a depression. Neither did I go out nor have wild, cocktail-soaked nights. In fact, there was no defining moment when a flare of inspiration transformed me from the no-friends-alone-on-the-weekends person to a blossoming social butterfly.

    As with anything I had in my life, friendship would take time to achieve. And even then, there was no end game, no one event that signified completion.

    Building a life filled with what I wanted would not swiftly appear through chanting a few affirmations or signing up to a list. I would have to define it for myself. It would be an evolutionary process. The difference was made using two words: what and how.

    What did I actually want? It was simple. I wanted to have someone I could call and spend some time with. But more than ever, I just wanted engagement, conversation, a spark of chemistry and shared experiences.

    I didn’t want acquaintances. I wanted real friends—the ones where we shared a mutual respect and just had each others’ back. Simple!

    How to get there started with letting go of preconceptions and insecurities, like:

    • Everyone already has a circle of friends. Why would they want to befriend me?
    • I don’t speak the language yet, so how can I engage with new people?
    • The French are notoriously unfriendly, so the odds are against me anyway.

    Thoughts like this alone could have been strong enough to keep me routed in my own self-doubt.  But my security did not come from removing the doubts, but choosing to take action in spite of them.

    My journey to finding new friends began with two main themes: the people I knew already, and the things I was interested in doing.

    I decided I would first ask a few colleagues to have lunch with me. These conversations revealed shared interests, so I asked one colleague to join me at a couture class where we learned to sew dresses. Another colleague and I went indoor-wall climbing.

    Mingled with this was using the desire to learn French to also engage with people outside of the office. I joined an online group and began meeting people who wanted to learn English and in turn they taught me French. This created a reason to meet and some common ground to work from.

    Some of these people have become irreplaceable friends and some I will probably never see again. But I found simple joy during this process. Would I ever have encountered these people if I had not made the effort to do so in the first place?

    And that is perhaps the most fundamental lesson from this experience. If I wanted friends, I had to ask for them. It was my responsibility to make the first move. There was no magic pill, no secret formula—just discovering the what and the how.

    What changes have you made to feel less lonely? What has this taught you about yourself?

    Happy kids image via Shutterstock

  • Transform Your Confidence by Learning to Approach New People

    Transform Your Confidence by Learning to Approach New People

    Friends

    “As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I remember it like it was yesterday—sitting in the corner of a bar in Holland at a social gathering, feeling alienated because I didn’t know the people I had to mingle with. After all, they were friends of my girlfriend at the time.

    My worries had consumed me and I didn’t know where to begin. I wondered: Should I pluck up the courage to strike up a conversation, or should I withdraw?

    I realized from this experience that I lacked self-confidence.

    I was bullied as a kid, and because of my inability to connect with my peers I spent a lot of time in my room playing video games. I had no idea how to communicate, let alone show people who I really was as a person and what I had to offer.

    In the long-term, my relationships suffered, I did terrible at job interviews, and I was always misunderstood, all things that affected my self-confidence.

    I knew by my early twenties that something had to change. It seemed that everyone in my age group lived normal lives, with a great circle of friends—something that I always dreamed of having, but avoided with video games and social networking.

    I understood that I had to start doing things differently; that I should no longer refuse an invite from a friend to go out and meet new people. That I should no longer say no to potential meetings, and to at least give things a try to see what happens.

    My New Discovery

    I realized that the potential for interacting with people was all around me. I vividly remembered going to department stores with my family, seeing people who I really wanted to meet, and resisting only to regret it later.

    I knew at that moment that this was the biggest hurdle I had to deal with. If I were to simply get over my fears, my social skills and sense of self-confidence would begin to improve.

    I understood at that moment that while I had a fear of approaching and starting conversations with strangers, I could get past it.

    Slowly but surely, I did. I started taking baby steps by asking for directions and creating small talk with coffee shop baristas.

    After doing this repeatedly, I eventually found myself in a place where I could easily strike up conversations and be comfortable in new environments. Sure, I still had a long way to go in being completely natural, but I knew I was making progress.

    Fast-forward to today, my life has transformed. I no longer see people as strangers to fear; instead, I see opportunities to add value and make new friends.

    What I Learned

    The path I took was clear, and I will explain it to you as follows:

    1. Be willing to fail and get rejected.

    One of the first things I had to deal with when getting over my fears with strangers was the idea of getting rejected.

    I would always imagine the worst possible scenario of getting told to go away, and this would prevent me from talking to them. This fear faded after I got rejected a handful of times.

    I eventually understood that there was nothing to be afraid of since many of the people I’d met were indeed strangers who didn’t know me.

    Understand that rejection is part of the process and that it’s never personal. There are a multitude of reasons why some people may not be willing to talk, and often it has nothing to do with you.

    There is no way to know unless you go over and find out!

    2. Find genuine reasons to talk to people.

    What worried me the most was that I wouldn’t know what to say to people. What can you say to someone when you don’t know who they are?

    I was left with only one choice: to somehow come up with a genuinely good reason to talk to them in the first place. Maybe it was it their style. Or I was lost and looking for directions. Or  I was curious about where they were from.

    Whatever the reason, start to become observant and really think about what it is about that person you would like to find out about.

    3. Create a balance between statements and questions.

    Try to imagine how you talk to good friends. How does the conversation usually flow?

    One of the best ways to make a person feel comfortable is to balance statements and questions. Share about yourself and ask about them. Use their responses to your questions to shift the conversation toward topics they’re most comfortable with.

    4. Be positive and playful.

    As I started approaching more people and improving my communication skills, I began to see patterns in what people found comforting and what they found awkward. It was clear that most people prefer talking about uplifting topics, since most of us deal with a lot of negativity in our daily lives.

    The more I appeared warm, friendly, and playful, the more value I was providing to people. I became a beacon of positivity, which emanated out of me, and in turn, allowed others to feel the same.

    5. Be genuinely interested in people.

    When you take an interest in other people’s lives, it makes them see that you’re genuinely interested in who they are.

    What is it about them that you’re curious about? What of what you’ve already learned do you appreciate? Asking them about these things allow you to learn more about what makes them tick.

    6. Remember how happy you feel when you connect with others.

    The more I socialized, the more I started to feel a sense of happiness in myself and with others. I felt connected with society, and knew that the only way I could ever get to this place was through taking personal responsibility and getting out of my own way.

    While I can’t promise the same results as I had when taking these actions, what I can promise you is an increased sense of joy and connection with the outside world. We all want a sense of belonging. And once you find it, your sense of self-confidence will begin to flourish. 

    Photo by Austin Goldberg

  • How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    How to Speak Your Mind Without Making Someone Else Wrong

    Friends Pulled Apart

    “Would you rather be right or free?” ~Byron Katie

    Do you have the freedom to say what you really feel? Do you share your true thoughts and ideas, or do you struggle to avoid hurting, disappointing, or angering others?

    It can be easier to try to meet others’ expectations and avoid conflict. We may even believe we are making someone happy by not speaking our truth. What’s the cost? Slowly giving up fragments of who we genuinely are: our authentic self.

    There was a time when right and wrong worked for me. I had stability, harmony, and a practical path for pursuing a career in accounting, marrying a wonderful man, and raising three beautiful children.

    I didn’t realize I was following expectations of what I thought should make me happy based on what I learned and believed to be true. I was living on the surface, stuck in the paradigm of right and wrong. Though I was happy, something was missing.

    Until I ventured within and followed my real passion (psychology, writing, and seeking spiritual truth), I couldn’t see that I’d been living in the framework of family norms and social conditioning, not knowing how to listen to myself.

    I grew up shy, fearful of having the wrong answer, one that didn’t fit into what others told me I should be, do, know, and think.  

    The social mask forms the moment we’re born and we hear our first words. We learn to please, meet expectations, and avoid sharing our feelings, which can turn into a lifelong struggle to be good enough, know enough, and have enough.

    We long to be seen and heard for who we are unconditionally, but we find ourselves on the path of conditional love, seeking the approval and appreciation from others that we eventually discover must come from within.

    When I began sharing my ideas, it went against expectations of “right and wrong,” and I faced criticism and judgment. I was finally following my own values and the things that excited me.

    I’d eagerly share with my family, not realizing how far “out of the box” I’d gone, and was met with silence, or criticism behind my back.  

    As I stepped into my beliefs, I encountered defensiveness and attempts to prove I was wrong. Conflict for the first time! Both of us were living in our ego’s fear, needing to be right in a space of  “how could you think that?”

    Then a twenty-year friendship ended abruptly when I wasn’t following her “right” way of business ethics.

    As university friends, we had both become coaches, leaving behind our corporate careers, and suddenly I was a competitor instead of a friend.

    She felt the need to control the way I did business. Sadly, it turned out to be more important than our friendship.

    Soon after, I faced blaming, false assumptions, and horrific judgments from a friend of over a decade. I no longer followed her “right way,” which culminated in a six-page letter about why I was wrong, and who I should be—otherwise this friendship wasn’t working for her!

    I was shocked, and felt enormous hurt, disbelief, and some things I didn’t expect: anger, hatred, and resentment.

    I hadn’t felt this intensity of negative emotions toward anyone in my entire life. I couldn’t forgive because I’d become attached to my way needing to “be right” for her. 

    At the same time I’d developed a strong inner trust, validated by the most fulfilling life experiences in all areas of my life. Suddenly, I could see that who was right and wrong didn’t matter.

    I was judging her for judging me!

    I was also trying to correct her in an effort to fix her, convincing her of my beliefs, needing to control, or trying to change her to make me happy.

    It often happens with those close to us who are now hurting us with their “disregard, disobedience, or disrespect” for not following our right way.

    I now held the energy of criticism (finding fault, complaining), and judgment (blaming, resentment, punishment). While I trusted what was right for my well-being, I needed to let go of it being right for someone else.

    Doing this does not mean we accept or absolve responsibility for all manner of words and behavior. It just means that we stop blaming and judging someone else and consider that they’re doing their best from their own state of consciousness.

    The constructive or destructive choices they make form their learning and experiences, and can only be 100% their responsibility.

    We may have the best of intentions with our criticism and judgment, and we might find ways to punish, yell, impose, demand, and justify them as the “right way,” but love does not condemn.

    When we’re coming from a place of love, we share, teach, and role model in a space of curiosity, compassion, and understanding.

    How do you communicate authentically from a judgment-free space so others will stay open to your thoughts? It may help to use these phrases:

    • I notice that…
    • Are you willing to…
    • I’m curious about…
    • Here’s how I’m feeling, what are you feeling?
    • Are you open to hearing my thoughts and feelings around this?
    • Here’s what I desire for our relationship…what do you want?
    • Are you willing to listen to my point of view, even if it may not be the same as yours?
    • I’m feeling disappointed or not okay with….because what’s important to me is…
    • I think/believe that…what do you think/believe?
    • What exactly did you mean by…
    • I just want to understand where you’re coming from, can you say more about…?

    You may want to avoid certain phrases that come across as criticism and judgment, as they may cause defensiveness and affect other’s ability to be authentic with you:

    • You should…
    • You never….
    • You always…
    • Why can’t you get that….
    • What’s wrong with you?
    • Why or how can you not see that…
    • I’m so disappointed that you…
    • How could you…?
    • I can’t believe you…
    • You are so…

    I’ve learned that, at times, I cannot be authentic because it will bring out someone’s ego (blaming, complaining, condemning), even if I share from a genuine place of love.

    We have no control over where someone chooses to live on the spectrum of fear versus love, and must discern whether there’s space to share—and what’s better left unsaid, so we don’t step on other people’s spiritual path.

    Sometimes we may simply need to wish others well on their journey, creating a new space for both sides to reflect on what truly matters. This is also a loving choice.

    And when you love without judgment, you won’t need to be right because you’ll be free.

    “Out beyond ideas of right 
and wrong there is a field.
I will meet you there.” ~Rumi

    Photo by Elvert Barnes

  • People We Don’t Like: When Others Push Our Buttons

    People We Don’t Like: When Others Push Our Buttons

    I have a confession to make: there’s someone I know who I really don’t like.

    I know this isn’t exactly front-page news. It’s not like I’m the first person to ever dislike someone else. But this situation has brought me face to face with all my strongest relationship triggers.

    I find it incredibly difficult to do all the things I’ve written about when it comes to this person. Let’s call him Harry. (I’ve never in my life met a single person named Harry, but let’s just roll with it.)

    I regularly find myself wanting to judge Harry before giving him the benefit of the doubt—even though I know I’d want that courtesy if I did the things he did. But that line of thought brings me back to judgment, because I remind myself, “I would never do the things he does.”

    I find it easy to suspect him of poor intentions and conclude that maybe “he’s just a jerk,” even though I know that I get to decide what meaning to give his actions, and I also know that things are rarely black and white.

    In dealing with Harry—and perhaps more importantly, my reactions to him—I’ve found myself considering three important questions:

    • We’re always talking about letting go of judgments; is it possible that sometimes, someone is just a jerk?
    • Is it judgmental to decide someone’s actions are “wrong” when you feel strongly opposed to them?
    • Just because we know there are emotional triggers influencing our response to someone, does that mean they shouldn’t be accountable for their actions?

    I’ve decided to break these down, one by one, to see what there is to learn in this situation.

    We’re always talking about letting go of judgments; is it possible that sometimes, someone is just a jerk?

    I’ve wanted to use this label for Harry because of assumptions I’ve formed about his behavior: that he thinks he’s better than other people; that he’s really selfish, despite pretending to be caring and well-intentioned; and that all of this amounts to unfairness.

    When I break this down, I realize the “he thinks he’s better than me” assumption goes back to my childhood experiences with being bullied, when I felt inferior to most of my peers—and their actions seemed to reinforce that.

    The “he’s selfish” belief is a projection of my own fear that I’m actually a selfish person (something I’ve wrestled with all my life, no matter how giving I try to be).

    And the conclusion about “unfairness” relates to my life-long aversion to all things unjust—both a response to my childhood and a natural human reaction.

    When I pull it all apart like this, I realize I’m having a strong emotional reaction based on lots of things that aren’t solely related to him.

    So my desire to sum my feelings up with one harsh label isn’t only about his actions. It’s also about my past experience.

    And when I really think about it, whenever I’ve wanted to label anyone as a “jerk” (or something stronger), I’ve dealt with these same (and other related) triggers.

    That doesn’t mean no one has ever done anything to justify my anger. It’s just that usually, when I feel unable to access even a shred of understanding or compassion, it’s because there are strong layers of resistance, reinforced by years of my own pain, in the way.

    I suspect that’s true for most of us: the more tempting it feels to give someone one reductionist label, the deeper and more complex the triggers.

    This brings me to the next question…

    Is it judgmental to decide someone’s actions are “wrong” when you feel strongly opposed to them?

    While I realize there’s a lot more contributing to my feelings than his actions, that doesn’t change that I don’t agree with everything he says and does.

    Once I peel away the layers of my complex response to him, I can then objectively ask myself, “Which of the choices he makes don’t feel right for me?”

    This isn’t judgment—it’s discernment. It’s forming an assessment without the emotional weight behind it. And it’s essential to maintaining my own moral compass and forming boundaries within my relationships.

    That means I don’t need to label him anymore. Instead I can say, “I wouldn’t make the choices as he makes, and I don’t want someone in my life who makes them.”

    It’s not about me deciding he’s a “bad person” and, therefore, feeling better than him; it’s about me realizing he’s a bad match for a friendship and then feeling better about the situation.

    The positive consequence: I give him far less power over me and my emotions. He’s not wrong—just wrong for me.

    And then that brings me to the last question…

    Just because we know that someone’s actions trigger us, does that mean they shouldn’t be accountable for their actions?

    Now that I’ve accepted responsibility for my reaction to him, and acknowledged that his choices can make him “wrong” for a friendship with me without making him universally “wrong,” I no longer need to “hold him accountable.”

    But if I were to want to maintain a friendship with him, I’d have two choices: accept him as he is, or share my reactions to his choices and let him into my process.

    I know from past experience that people rarely respond well when they feel judged or attacked.

    But people sometimes surprise us when we explain how we feel in response to the things they do—not because they’re responsible for our feelings, but because they care about them.

    And if they don’t care, well, this brings us back to the first two parts: It doesn’t make them jerks. It just gives us a reason to be discerning about whether or not we want to care about them.

    So where has all this left me? I’m going to continue peeling away the layers of my issues around others “being better than me” and my fears of “being selfish.” And I’m going to silently thank Harry for reminding me to continue doing this work.

    Then I’m going to stop communicating with him. Because as much as I value the gifts he’s given me, I value myself enough to realize he’s given a lot more that I don’t want to receive.

    Have you ever felt a strong reaction to someone else and realized it had a lot to do with your own triggers?

  • 4 Questions to Turn Your Anger Around and Forgive

    4 Questions to Turn Your Anger Around and Forgive

    Talking

    “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

    For a long time, I had a stressful relationship with my dad. We had a falling out after I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. He didn’t understand what I was going through in regards to eating and body image, and I tried to push him out, so we stopped talking.

    Somewhere inside of me, I had built up anger that was directed at him and I just couldn’t bring myself to forgive him or let go. And he was just clueless, not knowing what was wrong with me and why I didn’t like him, so he stopped trying, too.

    Before I knew it, it had been almost a year without saying anything to each other, and I was heading off to college. I was still angry inside until my mom gave me a book called Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. Everything changed after that.

    Not overnight, but slowly things began to improve between my dad and me.

    The book has to do with four simple questions that you ask yourself about a thought or emotion you are experiencing.

    Because I felt like my dad had distanced himself from my problems, and believed that he loved my brother more than me, I had thoughts like, “He doesn’t love me,” and “I’m never enough for him,” so I worked on these thoughts with what Byron Katie calls “The Work.”

    I took the thought “I am never good enough for him,” and put it up against the four questions.

    1. Is it true?

    Is it true that I am never good enough for my dad? Yes.

    2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?

    Can I absolutely know that I am never good enough for my dad? No.

    3. How do you feel when you think this thought?

    When I think that I’m not good enough for my dad, I feel angry and sad. I become defensive and hot.

    4. Who would you be without this thought?

    Without the thought that I am never good enough for him, I would be calm, relaxed, and not so upset. My relationship with my dad would improve and I wouldn’t worry so much about his approval.

    The next step is to turn the thought around. Here are my turnarounds with examples as to why these are true for me.

    • My dad is never good enough for me because I am constantly judging him.
    • I am good enough for my dad because he does show he is proud of me.
    • I am not good enough for myself because I do not approve of who I am.

    After doing this work on my thoughts about my dad, I began to see things differently. My eyes started to open to things I haven’t seen before.

    If I wanted my dad to approve of me and accept me for who I was, I first had to approve and accept him as he was.

    When I turned around my thought, even though it was hard to realize, I saw that my behavior toward my dad was the problem, not him. I failed to remember that he was just doing what he knew how to do; he was trying his best. It was me who needed to approve of myself, not my Dad.

    Forgiveness had never come easy to me. I always felt as though I was the one who deserved the forgiving, but something changed the day I read this book. I forgave my dad. I forgave him and accepted him, and in turn, I accepted myself.

    I gave my dad what I wanted from him and our relationship turned around. I gave myself what I wanted from him and I turned myself around.

    The Work can be helpful for every thought you have or problem you are facing, as it allows you to look at your life and yourself in a new light. I understand that sometimes it can be painful questioning your thoughts, especially ones that have been with you for a long time, and it’s not an overnight process.

    Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep over my responses or want to tear the page apart because there was no way I could forgive my dad. But if you give it time and patience, a change will start happening inside of you.

    You will learn to see the person in a different way. You will see that everyone is just trying their best with what they have in this moment, and even if you believe they don’t deserve forgiveness, you deserve to be at peace.

    Photo by morstan

  • Releasing Resentment: Who You’re Really Angry With and Why

    Releasing Resentment: Who You’re Really Angry With and Why

    “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~Malachy McCourt

    “Can I kiss you?” he asked.

    I didn’t particularly want to kiss him, but it had been a benign first date, and I didn’t know how to say no without hurting his feelings.

    We were standing by my car in broad daylight, and what could be the harm, right? So I rather unenthusiastically nodded my head.

    He, on the other hand, was quite enthusiastic, more than I was prepared for.

    As he leaned in, I closed my eyes and endured the kiss, which most definitely did not tingle my toes. And it went on longer than I wanted, because, again, I didn’t know how to end it without hurting his feelings.

    So I waited. And after enduring a second, even longer, more enthusiastic and less-desired-on-my-part kiss, I finally managed to extricate myself, thank him for lunch, slip into my car, and drive away.

    I was relieved to be done with that date, and I was quite honestly annoyed. No, strike that—I was resentful.

    This perfectly inoffensive man had now acquired a downright unpleasant aura in my mind. Couldn’t he read that I wasn’t interested? Why did he have to pull me into a second kiss? Oh, how I resented him! 

    As I navigated the waters of online dating in search of a compatible life partner, scenarios similar to this one played themselves out over and over.

    After (I kid you not) fifty-seven first dates in a two-and-a-half year period, I’m of the opinion that there may be no greater route to self-growth than dating, if you go about it with the amount of self-examination that I did.

    One of the great gifts I got from my quest for a life partner was the realization that I needed to get clear in my own head where my limits were, before leaving my house for the date.

    In fact, I needed to learn to set limits in a lot of areas of my life, and it was dating that taught me how. Before I gained this clarity, though, I got very familiar with the emotion of resentment.

    I remember one moment, as I stewed with resentment toward a thoughtful, considerate, perfectly wonderful man, that I had an epiphany.

    I’d allowed him to go just a tad further than I really wanted, but when I thought about it, the guy had done absolutely nothing wrong. He’d been a perfect gentleman, and would no doubt be horrified if he’d known his advances had been unwanted.

    His good intentions and obvious respect for me forced me to question what was really going on here. Why was I resentful at him, I wondered?

    The only one who really deserved the brunt of my anger, I realized, was myself. The guy was just following my hazy lead, and would have backed off in a heartbeat, if I’d simply asked.

    That was when the light bulb clicked on over my head.

    That was the moment it became clear to me that resentment isn’t anger with someone else at all; resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood. 

    Everything changed in that moment.

    When you’re trained to be a people-pleaser, like I was, setting clear limits is hard. It was easier to just go with the flow, and then get resentful and blame my dates when my true wishes weren’t magically honored.

    It was easier to play the victim.

    But playing the victim doesn’t lead to happiness or empowerment. And once I acknowledged to myself that this is what I’d been doing—playing the victim—I resolved to take responsibility.

    When I realized that my resentment wasn’t serving any useful purpose, and that it was really me I was angry with for not setting clearer, stronger limits, I could release the resentment and work on making the changes I needed to myself.

    The more I took responsibility for my desires—or lack thereof—and set clear boundaries with my dates, the less victimized I felt. And the fewer unwanted kisses I had to tolerate!

    And of course, taking responsibility for yourself extends to every area of your life, not just first dates! Learning to set boundaries and communicate them is an essential tool for anyone looking for a happy life.

    Resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood.

    This simple statement was like a magic formula for me. It became my mantra for a while, helping me chart a less turbulent course through my dating days.

    Time for a Recharge

    Knowing something and always integrating it in your life are two different things, however. I recently discovered that I needed to remind myself of my resentment epiphany.

    That thoughtful, considerate, perfectly wonderful man I mentioned above? He’s been my life partner for over three years now, and he’s still perfectly wonderful.

    He does not, however, have any interest in physical exercise.

    I, on the other hand, am rather more concerned with my fitness than your average Joe. But even so, I don’t always reach my goal of daily exercise.

    I want to be fit, but I don’t always want to pull myself away from other things and get to the gym.

    In a psychology class I was taking, I learned that low physical fitness is actually “contagious.”

    Studies have shown that people are more likely to become sedentary and/or obese when people in their close social network are sedentary and/or obese, and I latched onto this data just the other week, as I was frustrated with myself for letting work get in the way of my exercise commitments.

    It would be so much easier to go to the gym if my partner had any interest in being my workout buddy! And it was so much easier to resent him for not having such an interest, than to take responsibility for my own failings.

    Thankfully, before I got too deep in the poisonous pool of resentment, I remembered my epiphany from years ago: Resentment is anger with oneself, misdirected at someone else through the lens of victimhood.

    Yes, it would be easier to get to the gym if my partner were gung-ho to get there himself, but he’s not to blame for my lack of exercise, I am.

    I was the one who chose to keep pounding away at the computer instead of going to the gym. The responsibility was mine alone, and any anger directed elsewhere was a pointless waste of energy.

    Whew! I felt like I’d escaped a close call. Instead of stewing in resentment toward my sweetie, I was filled with gratitude for the lessons I learned during my dating days!

    It was a good reminder. Now my antennae are back up again, watching for the niggling feeling of resentment so I can nip it in the bud before it blooms.

    Whether it’s unwanted kisses or a visit to the gym, when you take 100% responsibility and realize your anger is really toward yourself, resentment melts away and makes space for greater happiness.

  • 3 Ways to Redesign Your Life by Shedding the Excess

    3 Ways to Redesign Your Life by Shedding the Excess

    “Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” ~C.S. Lewis

    For as long as I can remember, “more” has always been better, but the word “more” is no longer what it used to be.

    Five years ago, I started exercising for the first time in my life. At first, I counted down the minutes until my workout was over. As I got stronger, though, I started staying at the gym longer and longer.

    For a while, I burned more calories than I consumed during meals. It didn’t matter. I worked out as much as I could because I liked the effects it had on my body and mind. I felt healthy and vibrantly energetic.

    But I hardly had time for much more in my life.

    I was burnt out. Some of my other favorite activities—like reading or making plans with friends—took a backseat to putting in hours at the gym. But working out in less time scared me, as silly as that sounds now. Would less time in the gym slow down my health and energy level? Would I lose momentum?

    When my loved ones started complaining, I knew I had to make a change.

    I found I could do more with less at the gym. I found that my body appreciated the extra rest more than I ever expected. I found that, by finding a balance, my life felt more at ease.

    Over time, I discovered that in many areas of my life, less is more. Carrying the excess of my life felt like pulling around a parachute, making every step more strained.

    Focusing on the necessary, on the positive, on the essential may grant you the freedom you desire. Here are three areas in your life you can redesign:

    1. Your Relationships

    Growing up, my friends and I counted and compared how many toys we had, how many books we read, how many good grades we achieved. Only now, decades later, have I dropped that habit of thinking “more” is better.

    When I quit my job and started my own business, I never thought that my biggest obstacle would be the people I chose to accompany me on that path. Once I hit that roadblock, it took great courage to cut the ties that were holding me back.

    The people we come across and spend time with become a part of our lives. That doesn’t mean they necessarily should. It’s up to you to choose.

    Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If that is true, could your relationships serve you better? If you could choose, what kind of people would you surround yourself with?

    2. Your Material Goods

    Someone once told me, “The fastest way to get a pay raise is to spend less money.”

    Quitting my job last year meant watching how I spent money. This was a blessing in disguise.

    Every single time I browsed the web for a beautiful new handbag, I stopped myself, thinking: “What am I trying to find in this handbag? What am I looking to feel by buying this?”

    Over time, this spread to the material goods I already have, not just the ones I hoped to purchase. I gave away some things that would be more useful to people in need. Living in a third-world country made that process easier, giving me a chance to give back to the communities around me.

    The items we hold around us pile up over time, but the purpose of that is not always clear. What are you looking for within those items: happiness, status, or is it something else?

    If you are interested in living a life with less stress, try asking yourself why you hold dear the possessions around you.

    3. Your Expectations

    For much of my life, I gave in to my emotions. With a blindfold over my eyes, I stumbled through life at the whim of my mood swings.

    Very often, I spent my days feeling angry, jealous, or doubtful. I was unaware of the reason behind these emotions. I let them run free, untethered inside my heart and mind.

    Until someone introduced me to a book called Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl.

    In his book, he writes:

    “A man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus, suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind.”

    Whether the situation is big or small, every single person decides just how much to suffer for it. When faced with the same situation, each of us decides just how to frame and feel that situation.

    The biggest reason I let my emotions run wild was because I was not aware of my expectations. I imagined life to be a certain way, and I was torn when reality didn’t match up.

    Wiping my mind clean of how life should play out, I allow myself to accept each moment as it comes, for better or for worse. The calm I feel at shedding expectations is extraordinary.

    When I set out to redesign my life— quitting my job, starting my own mini-business, spending more time writing—I never thought I would also start a quest to shed many parts of my life.

    None of this is easy, but it is worth it. I grapple with it everyday, but that grappling makes all the difference.

    Are you looking to redesign your life? Share your stories in the comments.

    Photo by The Green Party

  • Speaking Your Mind Without Being Hurtful

    Speaking Your Mind Without Being Hurtful

    Friends Talking

    “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha

    Many of us allow other people’s opinions to dictate what we believe, value, or perceive. It’s not always easy to stand up for our beliefs and opinions when others, particularly those we care about, constantly bombard us with their views.

    You might be thinking, “No, not me! This never happens to me. I’m strong in voicing my beliefs.”

    At one point or another, we all conform our opinions, either to avoid confrontation or judgment or because we’re losing faith in what we feel is right.

    Ask yourself, “Do I often justify what I believe after engaging in conversations with others? Am I continuously second guessing myself?” If so, you may be losing yourself.

    I used to be someone who always avoided conflict with others at all costs. Needless to say, I was passive by nature, and I shied away from standing up for my beliefs.

    I would avoid and distance myself from any means of voicing my opinions. In turn, I became submissive and engaged in both romantic and platonic relationships with people who were more dominating in demeanor.

    While I lacked the willpower to express my own ideas, I found myself in a state of annoyance and frustration from allowing others to indirectly control my life. Feeling helpless and unaware of who I really was took a toll on my mental well-being.

    I longed for the ability to express my thoughts and opinions freely. I craved the feeling of acceptance by others, without judgments being passed.

    I deeply admired and looked up to my sister as a role model, one who possessed the internal strength to be truthful to herself and others, regardless of the consequences.

    Sometimes my sister would discuss her issues with her friends and seek my advice, perhaps to validate if she was doing the right thing. Sometimes she wasn’t sure if she was coming on too strong and pushing others away because of her honest and strong-minded nature.

    She’d often find herself in situations where she would lose friends. Perhaps her honest opinions were too much to handle.

    When she would come to me in full-blown tears, asking me, “Why do my friends keep leaving? Why don’t they understand that I am just trying to help them?” I would respond to her by saying, “They don’t want to hear the truth from you, because sometimes the truth hurts.”

    Friends who resent one’s openness and honesty are usually, in turn, not worthy of the friendship.

    Looking back at the way I used to be led me to a conclusion. It’s not what you say to others; it’s the manner in which you say it that truly matters.

    I finally realized that, although my sister and I had opposing approaches of maintaining our relationships, neither of us was necessarily wrong in the way we went about constructing them.

    We often want to give genuine advice or opinions. However, we also need to understand that it’s not always easy to accept the truth. We need to find the balance and set limitations in order to maintain positive relationships.

    While I had no problem in maintaining mine, I often felt repressed in terms of being expressive. In contrast, my sister’s strong-minded character eventually caused her relationships to slowly dissipate.

    Over the years, I have learned that using appropriate language, word choices, and tone is the key to flourishing relationships.

    Speaking constructively and delivering tactful criticism eliminates the chance to pass biases. This also creates a healthy environment and opportunity to grow.

    As I’ve matured, I’ve recognized that my opinions actually matter and have the right to be heard. Having said this, I have learned that it is more effective to give an opinion or advice when it is sought.

    When I engage in conversations, I always try my best to think before I speak. Then, I contemplate, “Is it worth saying? How will what I say make a difference to this person?”

    If I proceed to give my opinion, I then decide, “How can I say this in such as way that it comes across as genuine, yet constructive?”

    By nature, we all have the tendency to overreact; it’s important to choose our battles wisely and release the negative energy that surrounds us.

    Be real; tell the truth using kind and heartfelt words. Respect will follow.

    Even though telling the truth may be difficult for many people, it’s the approach that we take that allows us to earn the respect of others.

    Often enough, people are so preoccupied with verbally offending others that we end up feeling as though we need to “walk on egg shells.” We may also end up saying something we didn’t originally intend.

    When I was one of those people who worried about what others thought, I allowed my life to be dictated and controlled by someone else’s agenda.

    I always felt obligated to adopt the views of my partners and friends, in fear of disappointing and upsetting them. I struggled to find the courage and willpower to rid myself of this imprisonment, in search of a voice, love, and passion.

    Through some of my ongoing romantic relationships with over-bearing, possessive men, I have come to terms with the fact that telling the truth will not always yield a positive or expected outcome.

    Still, I think that it is most important to be true to yourself. You need to be happy first before you can make others happy, and that means not self-sacrificing for unappreciative, non-reciprocating individuals.

    Speaking up for what we believe and sharing our opinions can be helpful and beneficial—when it’s appropriate, kind, constructive, and consistent.

    Photo by Seniju

  • Make Sure You’ll Smile When You Look Back on Your Life

    Make Sure You’ll Smile When You Look Back on Your Life

    Looking Back

    “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.” ~Carl Rogers

    I had just gotten settled into my hospital bed after two hours of preparation. I had 32 electrodes taped to my bandage-wrapped skull, plugged into a machine that monitored my brainwaves, with just enough room to go from the bed to the bathroom.

    After two ambulance rides and multiple seizures, I needed to find out what was going on with my brain.

    The full diagnosis of my disease was still unknown then. The doctors told me it could be serious and to prepare for the worst.

    The worst?

    “Yes, they said. Your time on this earth could be seriously limited.”

    Weeks? Months? A year? Years? They said “yes.” In other words, they didn’t know yet.

    When the nurse left my room, I was there by myself with nothing but my thoughts about my life and death.

    It quickly dawned on me that at some point, most people would be in hospital beds, facing their mortality and asking themselves the hardest question they will be forced to ask: Did I live a fulfilled life?

    I began to audit my life and smiled.

    If the worst news came, I knew I’d be leaving this earth walking the path of fulfillment. Granted, I wanted several more decades to walk the path, but my brain condition forced me to answer that question of all questions.

    The phrase “the path of fulfillment” was a revelation I’d had nearly 20 years ago on the plane ride home from my mother’s funeral.

    Fulfillment is a constantly moving energy. It’s a path, not a place. You’re either walking on it or away from it. That’s why you have to work at it everyday to stay on the path.

    Back then I wasn’t doing what, in my heart, I knew I always wanted. I wanted to make movies and music, to influence others, to make the world a better place. There were so many things I always wanted to do.

    But they were huge endeavors, and fear superseded these dreams.

    I had to face the fear of failure, the fear of success, the fear of rejection, the fear of what people would think.

    So I acted. I wanted to make a movie. It was 1999, so the first thing I did when I landed at home in Austin, Texas was buy a computer, Final Cut pro editing software, and a digital camera.

    I had never used a camera or editing software, but that didn’t matter. I took one small step at a time, and in two years my wife and I were travelling to New York, Los Angeles, and Muskogee, Oklahoma to view my documentary at film festivals.

    Guess what the documentary was about? That’s right—fulfillment!

    As a part of the documentary, I produced two of my own songs. Those songs played all over the world. That’s when there were 25,000 Internet Radio stations begging for music, so radio play over the web was accessible as long as you had a radio-ready produced song worth the airwaves.

    Again, one small step at a time, and I had a movie and music under my belt.

    I wanted to run a marathon. I was overweight and never really ran long distance before. But, all it took was a start, commitment, and follow-through. It took three years to accomplish, but I took small steps to make the big run.

    I started by running one mile, then two, then a 10K, then a ten miler, then running a marathon in four hours and forty-seven minutes. Not a record setting pace, eh? Didn’t matter. To me, I had won the gold medal.

    Fulfillment transcended again on March 5, 2007. That’s when I held my beautiful daughter in my arms, looking at all of her beauty, as she was perfect on that day she was to born. But she was dead. And it was tragic, no doubt about it, but if reinforced that life is fragile, and we need to honor it.

    So I’m not going into the darkness that lay ahead, just the light that came from her death.

    The revelation of fulfillment had elevated to the connections in our lives. Through all of this hardship, I was glad I’d married my best friend, as I don’t know how we could have survived otherwise.

    All of our friends and family stood with us and were there for whatever we needed. I had made it a commitment and priority for my 40-something years on this planet to nurture true and deep friendships.

    Those deep relationships paid off when I needed them the most. And still do.

    I am close friends with those that I connected with in first grade, sixth grade, high school, and college—those relationships where you can peel off all of the layers and just be yourself and laugh and cry all in the same breath.

    Again, it was a commitment I made to be a true friend for all of those decades. You have to be a friend to have friends.

    You have to make time to call them, Skype them, have a drink with them. In the end when you’re in your hospital bed facing your mortality, it is those connections that will truly matter.

    To build those connections, first and foremost, you have to connect with yourself.

    You have to know who you are, what you stand for, and how you want to connect with people and the society we live in.

    When you connect with yourself, you can face your fears. You can build the confidence to act on your passions, to commit to them and follow through. And in doing this with deep connections, you can walk the path of fulfillment.

    We now have a beautiful four-year-old daughter who is the brightest connection in our lives. My brain condition is in check as long as I take my handful of pills each day.

    I make sure I cherish every moment with my daughter, my wife and best friend, my friends, and my family.

    And I make damn sure that I honor my commitments to connect with myself, my loved ones, and the world where we all live.

    Remember, one day, you will be in your hospital bed auditing your life. When you do look back on your life, you want to make sure you smile.

    Photo by SilentMind8

  • How to Maintain a Happy Relationship: The Desired Things of Love

    How to Maintain a Happy Relationship: The Desired Things of Love

    Couple

    “Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown.

    Desiderata is Latin for “desired things.” The original and famous Desiderata poem, penned in the 1920s by Max Ehrmann, gives general advice on living well.

    It begins, “Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence,” and ends, “Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

    The overwhelming message of Desiderata is to be kind and honest, and to keep faith in all our business and personal affairs. When it comes to love, it counsels us not to grow cynical, “For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it (love) is as perennial as the grass.”

    Some years ago, a relationship I was in ended after an exhaustingly rocky year. The break-up left my partner cynical and me arid and disenchanted. Exactly what Ehrmann cautioned against.

    But our cynicism and disenchantment were understandable because on the surface, our relationship was perfect. We had hobbies and friends in common, two incomes, two cars, a lovely house. But while the bones of our relationship were there, the flesh was missing, eaten away by neglect.

    Part of the reason, I believe, is that we had stopped eating meals together. I was vegan and he was not, so we ate different foods. I arrived home from work earlier than him, so I ate earlier, too hungry on my faddy diets to wait.

    When we did sit at the table together at the end of a demanding workday, browsing Facebook seemed easier than the effort of conversation. When not at the table, I was upstairs writing while he was downstairs catching up on work email.

    Nothing was overtly wrong with this; we got on well and were both happy living in our own little parallel worlds. And we did find time to do some things together—but when we did, our business mindsets rattled along beside us. (more…)

  • Are You Hiding Yourself in Fear of Being Fully Seen?

    Are You Hiding Yourself in Fear of Being Fully Seen?

    “If you learn from a loss you have not lost.” ~Austin O’Malley

    Two years ago I lost my grandfather. He’d been ill the last time I saw him and I knew it was coming. And yet, I was still not prepared for the depth of my grief.

    I had lost loved ones before, but while I had loved them, they weren’t him. He was special. He saw me.

    If you know what it means to be seen I don’t need to say anymore.

    If you’ve never felt seen, let me explain what that feels like: It is the very best feeling; better than love, better than friendship. It’s looking into another’s eyes and seeing complete acceptance, acknowledgement, and the truest form of love.

    And I got that from him. Every time he looked at me. Every conversation we had.

    Every moment we shared together. And then he was gone. He moved on and I was left feeling/worrying that I would never know that kind of love again.

    That I would never be seen.

    We all wear so many masks. We wear them to fit a role: mother, sister, wife, good worker. We wear them to protect us in social situations: good girl, bad girl, tough girl, sweet girl.

    For so many of us we hide ourselves because we’re afraid that the truth of who we are will not be acceptable. That if others, even those who we trust with our love, were to see who we really are they would turn from us, that we will be seen not as angels but as monsters.

    Do you “see” your loved ones? Do you let yourself be “seen”? I’ve been reading Dr. Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. It’s an extraordinary piece of work. It’s beautiful and terrifying.

    Dr. Brown explains that while we are all afraid of making ourselves vulnerable, study after study shows that the majority of people are truly rooting for you. They want to see you; they admire your courage. It’s eye opening information.

    The very thing we are protecting ourselves from could be the source of our greatest strength. (more…)

  • Dealing with Disagreements with Loved Ones: 5 Helpful Tips

    Dealing with Disagreements with Loved Ones: 5 Helpful Tips

    Fighting couple

    “We find comfort among those who agree with us—growth among those who don’t.” ~Frank A. Clark

    This post is for anyone who has ever disagreed with the people they love the most, to remind them that these disagreements do not have to lead to regret.

    Indeed, they can lead to our deepest growth if we so choose.

    But I’m getting ahead of myself…

    Hi. My name is Sabrina, and despite my best intentions, I don’t always have the most harmonious conversations.

    When it comes to my family, especially my parents, my ego struggles with second-guessing their words, choices, and actions, and in turn, second-guessing my own.

    The truth is, I am no more “right” than they are; in fact, when it comes to making the best choice for oneself, I am a big believer in turning inward in one’s quest for answers.

    Yet I can still get triggered when we don’t see eye to eye, and that’s how I knew this was an area where I had an opportunity to grow.

    So I asked my higher self:

    How can I balance lovingly hearing my parents out without necessarily agreeing with the content of their message?

    And how can I bring loving awareness to the conversation, accepting with my heart while releasing the need to fully comprehend it in my head?

    Here is the answer that I received. (more…)

  • Why Relationships Fail: 4 Tips to Make Love Last

    Why Relationships Fail: 4 Tips to Make Love Last

    In Love

    “Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.” ~Dalai Lama

    If you get married today, there is a 60% chance that your relationship won’t last. Is finding true love really that hard or is there something else going on?

    A research group from the Heriot-Watt University found that many people have a “warped sense of the perfect relationship” and “unrealistic expectations from their romantic partner.” They concluded that they got these unrealistic expectations from Hollywood love stories.

    These movies have us longing for a Cinderella or Prince Charming who will sweep us off our feet and make us happier than we have ever been. But can we really expect our partners to make us happy? Is that even fair to them?

    When I figured out this wasn’t the right approach to a relationship, I had already been in two failed ones. “Failed” may not be the right word, because I don’t regret them and I’m still friends with both of my exes, but these relationships were based on needs, from both partners.

    After the second relationship, I was single for a long time, and that’s when I started working on myself.

    When I started to see some changes in myself and in my life, I felt the desire to have a girlfriend again. I mentioned this to my mentor, and he said, “It’s not the girlfriend you want; it’s what you think she can give you.”

    This was a real eye opener for me.

    I realized that this desire was my ego telling me there was something missing in my life and that I needed to find someone else to fill this gap for me. I didn’t have a person in mind yet, but I was already being unfair to her by expecting so much of her. I was demanding love.

    Demanding Love Vs. Sharing Love

    If you expect your partner to make you happy, you are demanding love. If you were happy when you were single, you’re more likely to be happy in your relationship. And when you’re happy, you can focus on “sharing your love” instead of “demanding happiness.”

    Do you see how this can make a world of difference in your relationship? When you go from “needing” love, affection, and support to fill a hole in yourself, to “sharing” love and happiness from a place of fullness, your relationship (and life!) will blossom into something truly amazing and lasting. (more…)