Tiny Buddha

Tag: friendship

  • 52 Ways to Tell Someone You Love and Appreciate Them

    52 Ways to Tell Someone You Love and Appreciate Them

    “The most important thing in this world is to learn to give out love and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz

    As a child, I never heard the phrase “I love you.” Now, I hear people say it all the time—at the end of phone calls and whenever parting ways.

    When I moved away from my hometown of Adelaide, South Australia, twenty years ago, I noticed how much less I felt loved interstate in Melbourne, Victoria. Even though I didn’t hear “I love you” when I was in Adelaide, somehow I knew people cared.

    Soon after I arrived here, I had two wonderful children who’ve taught me all about love. They regularly tell me they love me, and I often overhear them telling their friends.

    This got me thinking: how can we let people know we care, beyond simply saying “I love you?”

    I decided to make a list of some expressions that we can all say more often to family, friends, partners, and even colleagues. Perhaps you could use one of these each week for the next year.

    1. You are special to me.

    2. I feel amazing when I spend time with you.

    3. You give me goosebumps.

    4. I feel safe sharing my secrets with you.

    5. I accept you as you are.

    6. I understand how you feel.

    7. Is there anything I can do to help?

    8. I always have fun when I am with you.

    9. Please tell me how it is for you so I can understand.

    10. Can I hold your hand?

    11. Can I give you a hug?

    12. You inspire me.

    13. I really appreciate it when you…

    14. You are one of the most amazing gifts I have ever received.

    15. I value everything you’ve taught me.

    16. The insights you have shared mean the world to me.

    17. Your thoughtfulness is a delight to receive.

    18. I will never forget how you…

    19. I feel so relaxed and happy when you…

    20. Seeing you when … happened made it all okay.

    21. I can feel it when your heart sings because it makes my heart sing too.

    22. I could sit next to you and not say anything and be at peace.

    23. The way you handled … showed me that you are truly…

    24. Your comments about … helped me enormously.

    25. I’m thankful to have you in my life.

    26. I could go anywhere with you.

    27. I believe your intentions for me are always good, even when I cannot understand what you do.

    28. I trust you.

    29. I can go outside of my comfort zone with you.

    30. Knowing you gives me courage.

    31. The world is less scary when I am with you.

    32. I appreciate that your suggestions help me make difficult choices.

    33. I lose all concept of time when I am with you.

    34. If something serious happened to me, you’re the first person I would call.

    35. You are so generous in spirit.

    36. Surprise me more often because I like your surprises.

    37. I love how you … whenever I need to …

    38. I hear your voice even when we are not in the same place.

    39. I feel connected to you even when I cannot see you.

    40. Your wisdom has saved me.

    41. I feel refreshed and renewed around you.

    42. I enjoy your sense of humor.

    43. Whenever I see a photo of us together, I smile.

    44. I appreciate that you think about my feelings before you do and say things.

    45. Your smile makes me smile.

    46. I love that you know me so well.

    47. When I think about you, I often remember when you…

    48. I want to keep you in my past, present, and future.

    49. I can be me when I am with you—I hope you feel the same way.

    50. Circumstance brought us together; choice keeps us together.

    You are so lovable.

    I love you.

    I know that the positive feedback I’ve received in the past has kept me going during the darkest moments of my life.

    I hope that by saying “I love you” in many different ways, the special people in your life will have good memories that can sustain them during the more difficult moments in their lives.

    How do you let people know you love them?

    I love you image via Shutterstock

  • 7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    7 Courageous Steps to Reconciling a Struggling Relationship

    Back to Back

    “Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” ~Ronald Reagan

    I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. One filled with conflict, anger, and struggle.

    After years of non-communication, miscommunication, arguments, and fights, I realized it was time to reconcile what was left to whatever degree we were both capable.

    I had to let go of the past and get honest with myself—because whatever I was doing on my end was not only hurting our relationship, but also killing me from the inside out.

    I was crying out for resolution with my mother, not because I didn’t think I tried hard enough in the past, but because I knew I would regret it if I didn’t.

    This didn’t mean she would accept my feelings, or that we would suddenly become the best of friends. It was an opportunity to become the best versions of ourselves for this relationship—whatever that meant—whether we spoke every day about the weather or just on major holidays to say I love you.

    Now here I stand with a mother in my life and a relationship to go with it.

    And to be honest, it’s not the mother-daughter relationship I always wished for. But I am content and at peace with what we have now rather than what we didn’t have before.

    It’s a place where we can co-exist peacefully while respecting and loving one another.

    It is a relationship, and it took courage.

    Some relationships aren’t meant to be reconciled, and that’s okay. But that is a choice each of us must make. You must ask yourself, is this what I truly want? 

    The following seven steps contributed to the reconciliation of my relationship, and I hope they do the same for yours.

    1. Stop lying to yourself.

    If we lie to ourselves about what is okay and what is not, we are setting ourselves up for a major letdown.

    If something is not sitting right with you, don’t ignore it. Acknowledge your feelings, then promise yourself you’ll do something about it.

    My strained relationship with my mother was unsettling. I needed to acknowledge my feelings and make a plan of action to address it rather than ignore and repress.

    Once I became honest with myself, I felt a responsibility to confront the uneasiness inside. Doing so gave me a greater sense of control over myself rather than the issue having control over me.

    2. Be bold and make a move.

    Being assertive is a way of holding yourself accountable to the promise you made, and it’s the first proactive step toward letting the other person know you want resolution, not dissolution.

    I made the first step in contacting my mother. It wasn’t easy. I swallowed the big pill of pride I had in the bottom of my throat and trusted myself.

    I didn’t know if she would be receptive to me, but it was a risk I was willing to take.

    Making the first move to repair what’s broken isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of complete courage.

    3. Expose your guts.

    Being vulnerable is a way to display that you’re coming from a place of peace and honesty. It’s not always easy, but if a relationship is worth it, it won’t be as hard as you think.

    Stay committed to avoiding defensiveness. Tell yourself that you may experience some, along with resistance from the other person, but that’s okay.

    When speaking to my mother, I expressed my pain. It came from a pure place where I was able to be completely transparent to her in such a way that she could meet me for the first time, yet recognize all that was familiar to her.

    I was honest, loving, forgiving, and vulnerable; it was the only way to show my true self.

    4. Get vocal and keep an understanding ear.

    I confided in my mother about the effects our falling out was having on me. I say confide because I never told anyone else. No one else in my world could relate except my mom because she was hurting too.

    Listen to the other person. Just as you have your own perspective and experiences, so does the other person. There are no wrong or right feelings, so you must put yourself in their shoes.

    As hard as it was to hear the pain I had put my mom through, it gave me the clearest vision of what she had been experiencing. We were given an opportunity to understand and forgive each other.

    5. Make a deal.

    Be willing to give as well as take.

    Compromising is a fair and expressive way of giving your relationship love and attention.

    It doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your values or beliefs.

    It simply means that when both parties are asking for something, you’re both willing to give as much of yourselves that you are comfortable with, as well as take what you need in order to be happy.

    Just as I told my mother what I needed from our relationship, and what I would and wouldn’t stand for, she did the same. We compromised and agreed to give to each other in places where we felt we needed more support.

    6. Set your limits.

    A common misconception about boundaries is that they are meant to keep people or feelings out. That’s far from the truth.

    Boundaries are there to show respect to yourself and others.

    If something makes you uncomfortable, a boundary is set to tell others that it’s not okay to cross. You wouldn’t want to intentionally cross another’s boundary knowing it makes them uncomfortable, so why would you allow someone to do that to you?

    One of the biggest obstacles my mother and I had to overcome was our lack of boundaries. We ran all over each other as if respect didn’t exist—because, well, it didn’t.

    Once I established my boundaries, I felt safer. She communicated her boundaries, and it was as though a respect was born between us.

    Setting boundaries is key to earning and giving trust, which is the foundation of all healthy relationships.

    7. Follow through.

    The action of the relationship, especially when reconciling, is crucial. Trust has to be rebuilt, so the action needs to be seen as well as the words being heard.

    My phone calls and texts to my mother might seem like a minimal action to some, but for us, it’s major. It’s far more than we had in the past, and it’s what we said we would do, so we do it. It holds us accountable for keeping this relationship moving forward and not stagnating.

    Whatever the action, if you can make time to be fully immersed in your relationship when you’re together, it will create a sense of security and keep you moving forward.

    It’s worth it; now go for it.

    Relationships can feel like marathons, especially the difficult ones. They can feel like a race you can’t ever seem to win, but that usually means the techniques you’re using aren’t working.

    It’s okay to fall, fail, be wrong, get mad, and be frustrated. We are human. And as humans, we thrive and survive off of the relationships we make and maintain throughout our lifetimes.

    Give yourself and your relationship that chance to succeed. It’s not easy. It’s painful, it’s exhausting, and it’s humbling.

    But, man, it’s worth it.

    Imagine yourself running around the same track engulfed in a thick layer of fog for months, or even years. That’s your struggling relationship.

    Imagine how exhausted you feel. Imagine how you’re blinded from seeing anything else around you because you’re in the thick of it. Those are the issues in your relationship.

    But if you keep pushing through by following these seven courageous steps, it will pay off.

    Now, imagine yourself committing to that action and one fine day, after all your hard work, you run from the wet, pale fog into the warmth and light of the sun.

    And for the first time in a long time, you can see clearly all around you.

    You stop running and just breathe.

    That feeling of relief is the feeling I felt after reconciling with my mother, and it can be the relief you feel when you reconcile your struggling relationship.

    Back to back image via Shutterstock

  • How to Tell When Someone Needs a Friend

    How to Tell When Someone Needs a Friend

    Two Friends Laughing

    “Don’t wait for people to be friendly. Show them how.” ~Unknown

    When I was in high school I was shy, to say the least. I guess a more accurate description would be to say that I was insecure. Painfully insecure.

    Looking back, I don’t know why I cared so much. But I did. I was too insecure to ever say hi to anyone in any of my classes, or to try to sit with anyone new at lunch.

    There were even some days when I went through the entire school day without speaking a word. I felt utterly alone and certainly friendless.

    One day, though, for no discernible reason whatsoever, a kid on my school bus started talking to me. He lived a few houses down the road from me, and his sister went to the same elementary school where mine did.

    We didn’t really talk about anything all that significant, but he seemed to actually be listening to what I had to say, and I felt like someone really cared about what I had to talk about—even if it was nothing at all.

    I’ve tried to model myself after this guy since then. To be a genuinely good listener and to go out of my way to help someone who looks like he or she is having a bad day. It’s a great feeling—feeling like someone wants to hear your thoughts.

    But it can be pretty easy to get caught up in the on-goings of our daily lives. So much so, that we may not notice when others around us need someone to talk to.

    Being able to recognize the signs of someone in need of a friend is important. It’s important to that person because loneliness not only makes you feel bad, but it has also been linked to health problems like higher stress, a negative life outlook, and a less-healthy immune system.

    However, being able to recognize when someone is in need of a friend can be important for you, too.

    The more people you reach out to and form meaningful relationships with, the more friends you will have. This helps fulfill your biological need to be social and can give you extended support systems and greater life happiness.

    So often, though, we don’t want to reach out to others in need of a friend because we’re “too busy” with what we’re doing at the moment or because we simply don’t notice the signs that they need someone to talk to.

    But we need to notice, and we need to care enough to do something about it when we notice.

    More than 800,000 people worldwide commit suicide each year, according to the World Health Organization. And while my purpose in writing this is not to focus on suicide and its prevention, I think it is worth mentioning that having a friend to talk to could do a lot for a potentially suicidal person. It can do a lot for any person.

    Here are some subtle signs that someone might be in need of a friend. Take a few minutes of your day to ask them how they’re doing, offer a smile, or just shoot the breeze with them. 

    They often do things by themselves.

    This could just be shyness, or it could be a sign that someone is uncomfortable reaching out to others.

    If you know someone who tends to stay removed from groups and conversations, they might simply need someone else to take the initiative. Many people want to talk to their coworkers and peers more—they just don’t know how to start.

    They try really hard to make small talk.

    Pay attention to acquaintances who regularly ask what you’re doing for the evening, what you think of the weather, and if you saw the latest episode of whatever show you both watch.

    True, sometimes such small talk is just polite conversation made to ease an awkward silence, but it can also be a sign that someone needs a little human interaction. Try to ask them a few questions about their plans now and then, too.

    Their hobbies are their entire lives.

    A 2011 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research suggests that lonely people sometimes form attachments with their possessions or hobbies because they don’t have enough social connections to feel fulfilled.

    So yeah, you may find it kind of odd that your coworker collects and names various kinds of plants, but that person might just need a friend to offer their company instead. Take the initiative to ask the person about their hobbies and establish some things you have in common with them.

    They spend way too much time on social media.

    To some extent, we all spend a little more time on Pinterest and Facebook than we should. But if you know someone who is not only on social media all the time, but is also talking about it all the time, that person may simply not have enough real life friends to put their social friends in perspective.

    They ruminate on negative things.

    According to research published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science, lonely people tend to spend more time focusing on stressful experiences. People who tend to dwell on their negative experiences—even the seemingly small ones—are likely spending too much time alone.

    That driver who cut your coworker off in traffic last week? Still an issue. However, it might only be an issue because that person isn’t getting the external social stimuli he or she needs.

    While one of these signs could warrant taking a few minutes out of your day to ask how someone is doing, someone who displays several of these behaviors might really need a friend to hang out with. Make yourself available for a movie and some drinks, or suggest getting together over the weekend to check out that hiking trail you’ve been eyeing up.

    Granted, you won’t be able to help everyone. People suffering from a serious medical condition like depression or a bipolar disorder may be less receptive to your “Hey, man, how’s it going?” But that’s no reason not to try.

    And as far as that kid on my school bus who spoke to me way back when, I still remember him and think about him often. Granted, I did end up marrying him, but that’s another story for another day.

    Friends talking image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Keeping Score in Relationships and Start Taking Care of Each Other

    Stop Keeping Score in Relationships and Start Taking Care of Each Other

    Loving Couple

    “Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” ~Desmond Tutu

    I was recently at the grocery store, and not once, but twice, I encountered couples practically duking it out in the aisles. I mean, full on snit-fits happening here. One pair was so mad, the woman actually walked in the opposite direction down the aisle, her five- or six-year-old in tow.

    Totally productive, right?

    The other pair was fighting because the husband couldn’t decide which milk to get. His wife was trying to hurry him up, and finally he said, in the most frustrated voice ever, “Can’t I take a minute to decide??” Needless to say, she got upset, while he stood in front of the milk case, fuming.

    This is what frequently happens in grocery stores.

    I used to drag my husband to the store with me on the weekends, thinking that it was some sort of household couple karma—I wash the dishes/you pay the bills; I do the laundry/you feed the dog every day; we both hit the grocery store once a week. One for one. Tit for tat. A leveling of the scales, and, if I’m honest, a somewhat misdirected homage to feminism in the household.

    But what I found is that not every chore is equal, and that’s okay. What I feel to be a difficult chore may be easy for my husband, and what I find to be fun or at least tolerable, he would rather walk across hot coals than do. So it is with grocery shopping.

    Every time we went together, it required hours of mental preparation:

    “When do you want to go to the grocery store?” My mantra. Every weekend.

    “Never.”

    “That’s not an option. How about in an hour?”

    “Fine,” said in a somewhat snarky twelve-year-old voice.

    Every time, this conversation. And every time, an hour would come and go, and I’d be waiting around, ready to go, while he was sitting on pins and needles waiting for me to come and nag about it.

    Not pretty. Not good for our relationship. So I decided if he really doesn’t want to go, then I really don’t want to make him.

    The grocery store is already a high stimulus environment—BUY THIS! LOW FAT! NATURAL! HONEST! The shelves are practically screaming and my synapses are firing on full-blast as I try to navigate between product displays and random children.

    I’m already apologizing to people every time I almost run someone over turning the corner; do I need to be feeling bad about dragging my husband along as well?

    To be fair, we never actually had a full-on fight in (or about) the grocery store—thank goodness. But it was never an easy, comfortable time. There was always mutual resentment, and who needs that?

    Not me. Not my husband. Not anyone.

    Besides, when he’s not there, I get to linger. I spend time looking at the ingredient lists and nutrition labels. I come up with ideas, make plans, and buy special snacks. It becomes an adventure, not a chore.

    Sometimes it isn’t about equality. Sometimes it’s about taking care of each other. I do what my husband doesn’t like to do, and vice versa, so that when we’re together, it’s about us, and not about how many chores the other person has completed.

    There’s no scoreboard, only gratitude.

    Divide and conquer. And save your marriage, relationship, friendship, or partnership. Serve the other by doing what they hate to do. Take out the trash. Go by the bank. Do the dishes.

    It isn’t a favor to cash in at a later date (though it’s always nice when it’s reciprocated). It’s an honest-to-goodness foot-washing of the 21st century.

    To be clear, I’m not advocating for you to do everything for your partner. That would be unfair. There should still be a feeling of balanced support in any relationship. But at the end of the day, caring for one another in a balanced way is not the same thing as keeping score.  

    We want to feel that we can lean on our partners when we need to, as much as they can lean on us. And that makes for one powerful relationship.

    Of course, if you and your partner love to shop together, by all means, keep it up! Even when it’s just folding laundry, it feels good to do things together. Even though we no longer grocery shop as a couple, my husband and I do a lot of other chores together—not because we’re made to, but because we want to.

    And more power to every couple who can work side by side. Just remember that it’s not the only way to get things done. I swear to all things delicious, I don’t totally love going to the grocery store. I probably never will.

    But I do love doing something kind for my husband every week. It’s that simple.

    Loving couple image via Shutterstock

  • Ending a Toxic Relationship: When It’s Time to Say “No More”

    Ending a Toxic Relationship: When It’s Time to Say “No More”

    No More

    “Worry less, smile more. Don’t regret, just learn and grow.” ~Unknown

    The day finally came when my heart was strong enough to speak up.

    I had spent many years trying to be the calm, sensible one. The one who would try to rationalize my sister’s behavior just to keep the peace.

    For years the strategy was to keep everything in its place and accept what was said, done, or requested. The day finally came when the weight of accepting the burden was too much to bear.

    No amount of talking would convince my sister that I was being reasonable. It had to be her way. It had to be acknowledged that I had somehow erred, when in fact it was her very own thoughts that had caused her pain.

    So, no more, I decided then and there.

    “I am done. We are both far too dysfunctional to be in each other’s lives. I wish you all the best… You can blame me…This is what I want.” With those words I gave up on our relationship.

    The feeling of freedom rose. The confidence from finally taking a stand was a trophy I now held proudly. “Well done!” I cheered. I no longer had to deal with accusations. Hooray! I was now in charge. I was the creator of my life.

    Then, ever so slowly, it started to shift. Ever so gently the doubts crept in. Old scripts started playing. The mind was reverting back to old default programs.

    We had both suffered as children. Our parents had been abusive in many ways. We never told anyone what happened in our home. We believed we had to protect our parents.

    I became the surrogate parent. We both accepted that our parents did not know any better, doing to us what had been done to them. We allowed them to continue in our lives as adults.

    My sister was the first to end contact with our parents. I was convinced I was enlightened enough that I could save them. All that ended the night I found myself terrified, at a police station, explaining why I thought my father was about to come to my home and hurt me.

    That night I spoke the truth. That night I heard my mother speak another lie to protect my father. That night I said “no more” to my parents.

    That was an end I could justify. I had to find help to get through the flood of emotions that threatened to drown me. Among the consolations was the fact that I still had my sister. Nobody else understood what we had gone through.

    Now, however, I began to doubt my bravery. My sister and I were supposed to be there for each other until the very end.

    I worried that I had made a terrible mistake. My view of who I was had shifted. I was no longer the savior. I was no longer the protector. I was no longer the one who got along with everybody.

    I saw myself as abandoning my sister. How could I have been so mean? How could I just end it like that? I was a terrible person!

    The pain was intense. The anger, the hurt, the bitterness all began to choke my life. Overwhelmingly, they tortured my soul.

    Years of buried resentment began to rise up like icebergs slowly breaking the surface from their depths. The feelings, once anchored to my core, were now exposed to reveal infected open wounds.

    I cried. I screamed. I read. I meditated. I yelled. I punched. I got angry. I journaled. What was wrong with me? I had always held it together. To witness myself unravelling was terrifying.

    Dark and ugly thoughts plagued me. Driving was now an opportunity to vent. I was safe in my car; I could blast my horn, I could utter every imaginable swear word, and I could find fault with every driver’s technique.

    I was a person possessed by anger and looking for a way to punish.

    My daily meditation seemed to go nowhere. I connected to the universe. I begged for help.

    I had persevered with the early morning practice for months, when one morning I suddenly realized that my sister was no longer the first thought of my day. That was new. Then ever so slowly, other thoughts began disappearing.

    There was a gentle loving energy helping me to create new thoughts to replace the old. I was okay. I am okay. Everything will be okay.

    It was an inexplicably subtle process that I was convinced was not working when, on another ordinary day, I realized I was waking up okay.

    Realizations began emerging. It was fair for me to end the discussion. No amount of talking was going to change my sister’s mind. Years of role-playing had created an expectation that I was to be at fault.

    By speaking up, I was positioning myself as a priority. I was no longer willing to rate myself last. I deserved better, and I now saw that I had made the perfect decision for me.

    Another realization soon came to mind: “You can blame me.” Those were the words I was most angry about. Those words came out of my mouth. I was mad at myself. I was mad that I had given my sister a reason to ignore her role in our story.

    That had always been my go-to solution. Take on the blame to keep the peace.

    When that was done, everything would go back to the way it was. We could live a fantasy life of closeness, all the while not realizing that I was slowly breaking my own heart.

    This was the lesson I was now being shown. I had to learn to speak up when I did not agree. I had to learn to take responsibility for my role in allowing it to be that way.

    I had wanted my sister to love me and to make me feel important and needed. For this I had paid an expensive price. My sister, I realized, played her role to perfection in allowing me to wake up to this truth.

    A few weeks later another realization came to mind: Silently, we had both blamed each other for parts of our pain. We were two damaged souls trying to live our lives with massive wounds in our hearts.

    We could not give each other what we did not have. We did not know how to love each other without the past tearing open the old wounds.

    I realized that I was not a terrible person for making a decision that was in my best interest. No one should be given an automatic pass into your life, regardless of their title.

    It is actually a privilege that should be honored and treated with respect. The lesson may be painful, but if you find some way through the hurt, a better future awaits.

    Each new morning brings a little more light. The universe continues to coax me to take another step away from the ledge of my past. I realize that the heartbreak I felt was a dissolving of me into a million tiny molecules before the gentle re-sculpting of those atoms into a more open and peaceful me.

    Is it time for you to speak up? Is it time for you to find the courage to say “No more”?

    Woman on the rocks image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Ways to Find Your People (The Ones Who Really Get You)

    5 Ways to Find Your People (The Ones Who Really Get You)

    Friends

    “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

    For probably over thirty years—since I was old enough to know I needed them—I’ve been looking for my people.

    You know the ones—the people who get you, somehow; who are on the same wavelength. Some might even say the people who share the same brand of quirky, crazy, or oddness that you do. The ones who understand why you do what you do, or if they don’t understand, they either ask or they just accept, and either way is fine.

    It’s not that there was anything wrong with my family or my school or the few friends I had, or my neighborhood—not at all. We all had our ups and downs, but we moved on and through it and had good times and bad. But I just felt a deep sense that the people around me were aliens. Or I was.

    At one point during childhood I even made up a story in my head about how I had been placed with my family as an experiment to see how someone would grow up with people who barely even shared the same language. I’m sure a lot of kids had similar thoughts.

    As I grew up, I continued feeling this odd sense of never being at home, safe, or comfortable.

    Sure, I had friends and close family, and ended up successful in my career, but there was a kind of connection I was missing. Something where my particular gifts were treasured, and my particular sort of oddness was accepted and cherished; and where I felt safe enough to cherish and embrace the odd gifts of those around me.

    I looked for safety and comfort in lots of ways: in relationships, in books, in short-lived hobbies, in TV, in long nature hikes, in workshops on “finding your purpose” or “finding the love of your life,” in meditation, in yoga, in spontaneous road trips. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of those, but it was when I got out of my comfort zone that I finally found what I had been looking for.

    It happened when I followed my heart into the places that interested me.

    At first, I joined a group of people that I wanted very much to like me. I tried to be likeable, to support them and to do the work that was required to make our projects successful, to help out when I could, and I attended every party and event. But something wasn’t right.

    Though we shared a lot of interests, I felt like they never truly accepted me for who I was. There was a sense that they wanted me there to work and to even admire them, but few people seemed to be curious about me or to allow me in to become closer to them when I tried to become friends.

    There was an odd sense of people always keeping me at arms’ length. For several years, I decided that there was something wrong with me, which was why they didn’t seem to truly accept me.

    But one day, after camping with this group and feeling, again, that sense of not-belonging, I decided that it was neither me nor them. We simply weren’t a good match.

    I kept looking, following my heart into another group within the same larger community. This time, they seemed to genuinely accept me, to like me, to respond to me, to open up to me, and to both value me and appreciate that I valued them. And I did value them—I do. They’re a bunch of amazing creative, smart, motivated, fun, and genuine people. And it was like night and day.

    It’s not that everything’s perfect and that there are no conflicts or awkwardness, that everyone always gets along or that there aren’t moments of ambivalence where dynamics seem to shift.

    But the people I’ve found more recently, after allowing the ones that didn’t seem to click to move out of my life, seem like they’re going to stick around. And I feel like making the effort to make sure that my friendship and support will keep these people in my life for a long time.

    Here are some steps to finding those people who will love, support, challenge, and accept you:

    1. Do what you like to do.

    It doesn’t matter if you do it for work or do it for play, but do what you like to do. Sports, hobbies, hiking alone, travel, reading, collecting cigars, whatever it is, do it. You don’t even have to be super passionate about it, but if you enjoy it, do it.

    For years I thought nothing was worth doing if I wasn’t Passionate-with-a-capital-P about it. But just enjoyment is enough. And spend the amount of time doing that thing that feel right to you.

    2. Learn how to talk to strangers.

    Every stranger is a potential friend, as they say. I’ve always been really shy, but when I focused on doing the things I enjoy, I started to get less shy, at least about those things.

    It’s okay if you’re shy or feel like nobody understands you; just practice when you can. Learn that sometimes people don’t respond, and that’s okay. And sometimes you say something weird, and that’s okay. It really is.

    3. Find other people who do what you like to do.

    These days, with online social media and the Internet, you can pretty much find people who like to do anything you like to do. From knitting hats for cats to collecting particular kinds of rock, from listening to any kind of music to reading the collected works of obscure Romanian poets. If you like it, someone else likes it, I can almost guarantee it.

    Find them, and introduce yourself. There is no rule that says “your people” have to live in the same town as you.

    4. Participate, even if It’s scary.

    Just because some people like what you like doesn’t mean they’re “your people.” You may have to keep exploring your interests for awhile, and keep exploring groups who share those interests. But when you find people who seem like they can handle you, step in and help out.

    If it’s a group that meets in real life, volunteer your home for a meeting or offer to help out at an event; if it’s one person, invite him or her out to partake in the interest you share. You may feel awkward, but that’s okay. Awkward just means you’re stretching yourself.

    5. Be honest and present.

    Once you’ve met people that you feel you want to connect to, practice being brave enough to be open about that with them.

    One of the first groups I thought were “my people” actually kind of intimidated me, and I never got up the nerve to be honest with people in the group about that. I ended up finding a related group that didn’t intimidate me as much, but I still wonder, if I had been willing to share my vulnerability with that earlier group, if I could have been able to connect with them more deeply.

    Take up space with the people you think might be “your” people. Practice being open, saying what you feel, and being present with them. See how they react. The ones who stay with you in those moments of vulnerability, not judging you or criticizing you, are truly your people.

    Photo by Vinoth Chandar

  • 8 Solutions for Loneliness That Don’t Require a Romantic Relationship

    8 Solutions for Loneliness That Don’t Require a Romantic Relationship

    Lonely woman

    “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” ~Joseph F. Newton

    The epiphany has finally occurred. Why on earth has it taken so long? I ask myself this as I look back on the last nine years, which I have spent trying to cover up my real issue. Loneliness.

    After getting married at twenty and then leaving nineteen years later, it took another two years before I met another man that I fell in love with almost instantly. He told me from the very beginning it would never be a relationship, and yet I have persevered with our friendship in various formats for the last seven years.

    During that time, I have also tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to find someone else to be a part of my personal life. I met someone else just five months ago, and after a very difficult dating period of three and half months, I ended it. We had completely different primary values. So essentially, I have been single for nine years now.

    To my surprise, the last man taught me that the last nine years have not been a waste. Being single does not mean that I am not of value to society (which is what I had been thinking).

    Now that I am on my own again, I realize that this whole process of finding a partner has not been about finding a relationship at all. I have been desperately trying to overcome loneliness—and possibly for a long as twenty years!

    Let’s look at what has been happening and see if you can identify with any of these:

    Workaholic

    Rather than face the real issue of loneliness, I have dedicated myself to my work and various business enterprises.

    The people out there in the real world can see and have benefited from my productive endeavor. Alas, I have not managed to keep a reasonable amount of rewards for myself or spend as much time as I would like with my children.

    Constantly helping

    Yes, I find it easier to say yes rather than no. Oh Sue, you are so great at … could you please…? And the answer is nearly always yes. It’s only no when I have something else on that I am doing for someone else.

    Neglect

    I don’t cut my hair every six weeks, I only get my nails done if required, and I consider the effort it takes to get dressed up a waste of productive time rather than something fun and special to do. It recently took me four hours to get dressed and ready for a Christmas function, and I felt exhausted by the end of it. Isn’t it supposed to be fun to get dressed up? Why do social occasions feel like work too?

    Social isolation

    I moved from my hometown twenty years ago. Since then, I have raised two children, who are now nineteen and sixteen, without a family support network. I have tried countless times to connect with various people, but somehow they perceive me as too busy and so we hardly ever catch up.

    I have had brief moments of companionship and then lengthy periods of getting on with life on my own.

    Victimhood

    This is the real ugly face of it. I have been very good at disguising it in various forms to attract a bit of sympathy, but if I really want to fess up, then I should admit that I have fallen into the trap of reminiscing and saying “poor me.”

    That stops me from doing what I could be doing, and it gives me an excuse to say why my situation is like this and state that a relationship is the only panacea, when it isn’t.

    I have lost count of the number of books I have read, personal development courses I have attended, and healers I have sought assistance from. I have tried counseling, psychology, hypnotherapy, pastoral care, energy healing, kinesiology, massage, talking to anyone who will listen, writing, walking my neighbor’s dogs, going to all sorts of events, and more.

    I now realize that the root cause of all of this searching for answers or a cure for me is loneliness.

    However, I am wise enough to know that some strategies for overcoming loneliness are more successful than others.

    I also know that loneliness can occur either inside or outside of a relationship, as I have felt it in both situations.

    The irony is that I regularly advise people on how to connect in a new location and have even carried out my own advice, but the safety barrier I have put around myself to protect me from the pain of loneliness has stopped the friendship from coming through.

    I have been friendly but not vulnerable enough to let people see the real me. No wonder they have let me fend for myself!

    If you have also created a personal protection barrier or are feeling lonely, I can recommend these tips to overcome it:

    1. Connect through your sports, hobbies, passions or interests.

    Meet like-minded people who share something that you also love. They will make time for you; other people already have full calendars.

    2. Borrow or adopt a dog and go walking.

    People talk to people with dogs.

    3. Talk to senior citizens.

    They have plenty of wisdom, time, and advice that they can share. By listening, you are also validating them as well as yourself.

    4. Expect it to be challenging.

    It may be difficult for you, but don’t give up. Keep going but start with the easiest options first.

    5. Find out why you feel lonely.

    Perhaps there is some bitterness, resentment, or guilt that you are carrying around. It is time to forgive yourself and others so that you have the best chance possible to connect with yourself and others.

    6. Celebrate.

    Develop new routines and rituals to celebrate special occasions and reward your new healthy behaviors.

    7. Be brave.

    It takes courage and persistence to overcome your bad habits—but it all starts with you, not someone else. Ask for help, seek some guidance, but take full responsibility for your happiness.

    8. Dream big.

    Visualize what you want in the future and watch it materialize. Keep your vision sharp and clear.

    Can you see how none of these suggest finding a partner or fixing the one you have? Isn’t that liberating? By connecting through various people, activities, or regular commitments, you are no longer dependent on a partner to complete you or help you overcome your feelings of loneliness.

    And you may just find that when you are no longer lonely, you will be happy—with or without a partner.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • 3 Things to Do When a Friendship Starts to Fade

    3 Things to Do When a Friendship Starts to Fade

    Parting Ways

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we must change ourselves.” ~Victor Frankl

    There are a million reasons why a friendship may change over time. You grow older, relocate for a job, have a fight, or start having kids.

    It is an inevitable fact that life takes people in new directions; growing apart from old friends becomes a part of our lives. But, somehow I thought that I was immune, that this was someone else’s story.

    My friends would be there with me forever.

    We celebrated every single New Year’s together. We survived college, breakups—you name it.  Our bond was unbreakable, and we had loads of photo albums to prove it.

    But after all these years I found myself feeling disconnected, and discovering that my best girlfriends did not really know me at all.

    As we made summer plans and played catch up during our routine get-togethers, I had run out of things to share. I was irritated by the same old conversations. I felt like we couldn’t relate.

    A few years earlier, I relocated for a job in a city away from home and found a new rhythm for myself. With a fresh interest in yoga and spiritual practice, I was the best version of myself, but I spent my time on hobbies and in places that were unfamiliar for them. Our passions were no longer the same.

    I waited it out for a while. “Maybe it’s just me,” I thought. I needed to try harder, call more often, and be more available.

    It was on a vacation to the Grand Canyon that I knew I wouldn’t shake this feeling. Amidst the giant open landscapes in front of me, I felt a deep loneliness and sense of obligation about these important relationships.

    My best girlfriends, the ones who had known me deeply and longer than anyone else, couldn’t relate to me anymore. Our lives were too different. We had grown apart and I felt incredibly sad.

    It was hard for me to accept that we might move forward, planning our weddings and living our lives without the bond we had as teenagers. It kept me up at night with anxiety, and I did not want to let go so easily. I found it difficult to understand how I had let this happen to my friendships.  

    This was not our first road bump. Of course, there had been fights and disagreements along the way, but we’d always hugged, made up, and moved on. I worked hard to find a solution. I contemplated talking it out over wine or writing long letters.

    I found it hard to move on for months. I thought about my old friendships with a great sense of loss, and spent a lot of time consulting family and friends. I could not just forget about all we had shared for the decades before, could I?

    My mind was heavy with anxiety. One evening after a busy week at work, I turned to my yoga practice for some much needed clarity.

    During the class my instructor repeated a phrase she had said often, but it hit me with a deep profoundness, providing me with a completely new perspective on my situation.

    “Take what you need, give what you can, and forgive the rest.” For the first time in six months, I realized that our friendship was not over. I didn’t have to feel a loss at all.

    I loved my friends and all we had shared. I could take something from those memories and forgive the natural ebbs and flows of life that had moved us apart. Foremost, I could forgive myself.

    There was a new view that I could adopt in order to make sense of the changes and loss I experienced in seeing my old friendships fade.

    I realized that there were three basic understandings that could guide me toward acceptance and happiness for all my relationships.

    1. Take what people have to offer and forgive the rest.

    Sometimes we expect individuals to be all things to us at once or know exactly how we feel. Each of us faces challenges, all of which are not apparent, even to the best of friends.

    I learned to see each friendship for the unique quality it offered me. Some friends were great for deep conversations, some were great for a night on the town, and others offered a funny banter.

    My situation taught me to value what people had to give, even when it wasn’t all encompassing, and seek out anything else I needed in other places. We have to forgive one another and seek fullness from within.

    2. Give only what you can.

    If a friendship starts to feel like an obligation, or if you feel guilt, you may be trying to give too much. We all need to be realistic about the ways we can engage with others and remember that friendships are best when they’re mutually beneficial.

    You have amazing things to give, and your best friends should want what you are able to share, and not expect more.

    3. Keep the memories close.

    The good times you shared with a friend don’t have to fade if your connection does. Think of your friend often, laugh about old times, and share great stories.

    Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting all of the meaningful ways you and your friend connected in the past. You can continue to love your friend and experience your friendship long beyond the times of late night phone calls and regular get-togethers.

    This new perspective offered me a whole new way of looking at all my relationships. I discovered that I could find a deeper fullness and quality in others by putting things into this view.

    People come into our lives for particular reasons, and things are likely to change.

    If we can give to those around us, and take from them only what we’re able, then we have a much better chance of looking back fondly, and with gratitude.

    Photo by Yarns

  • 6 Helpful Things to Consider If You’re In an Unhealthy Friendship

    6 Helpful Things to Consider If You’re In an Unhealthy Friendship

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    For much of my life, I lived for approval and acceptance from family members, friends, and co-workers. I can’t recall not considering what people thought about my actions or what I had said, wondering if I could have done them better. I was always thinking of others and their feelings toward me.

    It was a constant battle in my head, and it was starting to drain me of my peace.

    No matter what they had done to me in the past, no matter how much pain they’d caused me, I thought it was only right that I give it another try. After all, friendships take a lot work.

    You see, for me, gaining a sense of acceptance from the people I cared about was a life source that I sought after, again and again, because it meant I was important, that I mattered.

    But at what cost?

    When the relationships we’ve worked hard to build for many years aren’t giving us the joy they once did or a sense of community and energy anymore, what do we do? What if, in fact, it feels downright toxic and negative to be around them?

    This happened to me. All the signs were there, but I didn’t see it for what it was. I thought maybe I was just too sensitive. I would often tell myself, “Get over it, you’re thinking too much again.”

    Then one dreary day I got a call from my mom. My dad was in a horrific accident and he passed an hour later. My family was grieving from loss and shock, and the one person I thought would be there by my side suddenly disappeared.

    This person was my cousin, and a good friend I had known my entire life. I looked up to her as a young girl, and even thought of her as a big sister I never had.

    My cousin proceeded to go on with her life as if nothing had happened. Not one single word was exchanged between us. It was as if I were a stranger to her.

    It hurt me deeply, and I was utterly pained by her actions.

    Looking back, I understand why she made the choice to stay away. Facing death and pain isn’t easy; in fact, it takes great courage to face it head on and ride the storm.

    While I had been hurt and resentful about how she avoided me during the most painful time of my life, I had the gift of time to reflect and to reevaluate my relationships, and the other issues that made this particular one unhealthy.

    As painful as it is, there comes a time when we need to “break up” with a friend in order to live authentically and to be free.

    Life is short, and we deserve to be happy. Sometimes we have to consciously make the choice to not tolerate emotional abuse and to recognize when a relationship simply isn’t working.

    We break up with our significant others when we’ve exhausted every avenue and know in our hearts the relationship isn’t working and it’s time to let go. Just because we are not in a romantic relationship that does not mean we have to tolerate negative behaviors or what isn’t working.

    You don’t have to wait for a life tragedy and loss to realize this. Take the time to reflect on what kind of people you want to bring into your life and what you deserve to have—a friend who is honest, who will cry and laugh with you so you can grow together.

    Here are seven things to consider if you feel you are in a similar situation:

    1. What does friendship mean to you?

    Your definition of what makes a good friend may be different from your friend’s. This may sound silly, but this is the platform on which you build a relationship that may one day flourish.

    The relationship I desperately wanted to have with my cousin was but a mirage. I had deluded myself into thinking that we had a strong bond. Reflecting back, it wasn’t a very healthy relationship.

    Be honest. Tell your friend what you need. Your friend may see things differently and it may solve any misunderstanding between the two of you. But if your friend chooses not to reciprocate, you’ll be able to gauge if this is a relationship you want to keep.

    2. Is the friendship just too exhausting and negative most of the time?

    I used to wonder why it was so hard being around her. It drained me of my energy and left me feeling very negative about who I was as a person.

    I resented that I couldn’t express my authentic self to her. Often she would reply to me with, “You think too much,” as if my feeling, values, and beliefs were not valid.

    A friend who cares about your well-being will discuss any concerns you may have and not dismiss them as trivial. If you don’t communicate your feelings, resentment can build, and you may harbor negative feelings toward this person.

    3. Is the relationship balanced?

    To me, a friendship is like a seesaw. It takes two people, and each needs to give and take a little to balance out the ride.

    Like any close relationship, both parties need to make the effort and choose to grow together as friends, or it can be a very painful process.

    Thinking back, our relationship was very one sided. I always felt I was the second choice, a person to call when she needed company, or to vent. I don’t recall her ever asking me how I was doing, especially after my dad was killed. There was no depth in our relationship.

    4. It’s okay to let go.

    Relationships are complicated, and it’s never an easy choice to let go of a friendship. It was painful for me to accept that our friendship was over, but in order to live authentically and to be free, I had to let it go.

    It didn’t happen overnight. As our relationship deteriorated, we saw less and less of each other. When she called to invite me over, I deliberately chose to decline the invitation. I knew that I would regret going, and that it would leave me feeling of resentful, with old, painful memories haunting me.

    It can be a long, emotional, and unpleasant process when we are deciding whether we should continue on with a friendship or to let it go. All these feelings are normal. Any transition in life comes with some form of discomfort. It means we are growing and evolving.

    5. It’s nobody’s fault.

    Sometimes relationships end, despite every effort to make it work. Just because we have made the choice to let go of the friendship, that doesn’t mean it has to end it a negative way. We can say farewell with well wishes and make the choice to remember the happier times in our hearts.

    I think every relationship is unique and the way you choose the end the relationship depends on the situation you are in. Listen to your inner voice and honor it.

    You may choose to tell your friend that you need some space. Or you may choose to write a personal letter to express your feelings and concerns if you think it will be too confrontational. At times I still miss the friendship I had once shared with my friend, but I keep the good memories with me in my heart.

    6. When one door closes, another opens.

    Stay open to new friendships and to your present moment. Staying open allows for new opportunities and new relationships to come into your life when you are ready.

  • 4 Steps to Let Go of Blame in Your Relationship

    4 Steps to Let Go of Blame in Your Relationship

    “When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Dr. Robert Anthony

    After living alone for five years, I moved in with my girlfriend just eight months ago. I knew that I would have to make some adjustments, but I had no idea what they might be.

    I expected most of the changes to be around the dynamics of our relationship and spending too much time together. I didn’t foresee any personal growth coming out of it.

    But that’s exactly what happened. I grew, and I evolved.

    What Sparks a Fight

    For both me and my girlfriend, cleaning our apartment is a big issue.

    Neither one of us wants to do it. And even when we do clean, we want credit for it. Or at least I do.

    I remember one time I had just finished cleaning our bathroom, and I felt like I had made a significant contribution to our apartment. My girlfriend—let’s just call her Mary—thanked me, but I felt like she wasn’t contributing as much to our apartment.

    I accused her.

    Mary hadn’t cleaned anything in a week, and I didn’t want to do all the cleaning by myself. Now it was her turn.  And she should know about it.

    She didn’t take it so well.

    She said that she had cleaned the bathroom the last two times, in addition to the kitchen and parts of the bedroom. I told her that I had cooked the last few meals, and that she’s the one who keeps dirtying the bathroom and bedroom anyway. Why should I clean her mess?

    Things Get Ugly

    Before I knew it, we had escalated into a full-blown fight as we got more and more upset at each other. We were blaming each other back and forth for what the other person had or hadn’t done.

    We were playing the “blame game.”

    And this wasn’t the first time either.

    We had played the blame game many times before, and every time we did, it would damage our relationship in a new way. Sometimes there would still be ripple effects days later.

    We would get mad at each other. We would accuse each other. We would look for reasons why one of us was right and the other was wrong.

    It was a downward spiral.

    Blame Awareness and The Gift of Pain

    Usually before I can make any significant change in my life, I need to have a high level of awareness about it. I can’t change without first knowing what change I need to make. And usually, the big alarm that tells me when something isn’t working is this:

    I feel pain.

    It can be sadness, anger, unhappiness—basically, any emotion that feels bad is my warning sign that something’s wrong. And this time, it was my girlfriend and I being intensely angry at each other.

    Pain is a gift.

    Why?

    Pain is a gift because it tells us that something is not right, that something isn’t working and needs to be changed. Without feeling this pain, we might never know that we need to change.

    This painful experience is what brought our blame game to my awareness.

    I was now empowered to change.

    Taking 100% Responsibility

    I read somewhere that most successful people take 100% responsibility for their lives.

    Hmm.

    I thought I’d try an experiment.

    What if I were to take 100% responsibility for everything in our apartment, in our relationship, in our lives?

    Even though a relationship is really a 50-50 partnership, I figured I’d bite the bullet and take all the blame and responsibility—for everything—and just see what happens. (Note: If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, and your partner regularly mistreats or takes advantage of you, I would not recommend this.)

    I deliberately became more aware of my tendency to blame. I was denying responsibility for things I could change.

    Blame is a victim mindset, not an empowered one.

    I would catch myself after I had just blamed Mary. I would catch myself while I was accusing her, or right before I was about to.

    I would catch myself merely thinking the thought—that it’s her fault for such-and-such. And right before I was about to blame her for something, I’d just sit in awareness of it, as if I were a Buddhist monk.

    Letting go of the blame, I would instead take full responsibility for it.

    Talking About It

    Accusing her and blaming her only made our relationship worse. So I was taking 100% responsibility for our relationship, and I wasn’t going to blame her for anything. Even if I felt certain it really was her fault.

    At first, I didn’t tell Mary what I was doing.

    Eventually, though, I told her everything. We had been blaming each other a lot, and it was making our relationship not so good, and I was making an effort to stop. I was happy when she said that she would make an effort too.

    She soon stopped blaming me.

    Even when she hadn’t cleaned up the mess on our table, and it was clearly her mess and her “fault,” I took responsibility for it.

    Sounds crazy. Sounds dis-empowering, right?

    But maybe, I had created the circumstances to allow her to leave the mess. Maybe I hadn’t communicated clearly to her that I don’t like clutter on our table. Maybe I hadn’t done anything to encourage us to both clean up together, as a team.

    Total responsibility.

    In the end, I didn’t become a victim either. If Mary was going to take advantage of me, this strategy would have backfired and I’d be her scapegoat. But because we’re in a healthy relationship, she didn’t mistreat me.

    Eliminating Blame in Your Relationship

    You’ll notice from my experience with Mary that I took specific steps to eliminate blame in our relationship. Here are the steps you can take to do the same:

    Pain

    The first step is just to notice if it’s an issue in your relationship. Are you fighting, getting angry with each other, playing the blame game?

    Awareness

    Get super-aware of when you’re blaming or faulting or accusing, even if you’re doing it in your head. If you can catch yourself sooner, you can let it go and preempt sparking a fight.

    Take Responsibility

    This is the hardest part, because it’s easier to find fault in others than in ourselves. We want to be right. So just do an experiment, and see if you can take complete responsibility for your life, including your relationship. See what happens. Remember, this advice applies to anyone who’s in a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to take responsibility for someone else mistreating you.

    Communicate

    Tell your partner what’s been going on, how you feel about it, and the effort you’re going to make. (And if something’s really bothering you, communicate your feelings without blaming.) This will bond you together, and get you on the same team. Once you’re both making an effort, you’re well on your way.

    Photo by Bjorn Soderqvist

  • Don’t Control Anger, Control Yourself

    Don’t Control Anger, Control Yourself

    “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ~Ambrose Bierce

    I once had a much-cherished friend who meant the world to me. The problem was that we were both short-tempered individuals and the word patience was fictional to both of us.

    There is a thin line separates right from wrong and when one is blinded by anger; it can be near impossible to see this line.

    Invariably, my friend and I kept crossing it and ended up destroying what was one of the most beautiful bonds anybody could ever have.

    One day in a fit of anger we said some mean things to each other in front of a lot of people, and that was the end of our relationship. From days of completing each other’s sentences, crying on each other’s shoulders, and growing together as best friends, we are strangers who walk this planet today.

    Much has been said about anger, an emotion that most of us experience often. We read about anger, we learn anger management tips, and we know that it is an emotion with the power to destroy, and yet when it comes to our own lives, it’s an altogether different story.

    When I replay the way I “reacted” to the whole incident instead of “responding” to it, I think of a hundred different things that I could have done right. I still wonder why I said those things, and in front of so many people.

    When we were little kids we used to write with pencils. It was a sign that told us that our mistakes could be corrected. As we grew older we received permanent markers to paint with on the canvas called life. This is because we were expected to take the responsibility of not making irreversible mistakes.

    How we manage our anger will decide if there are ugly marks on this canvas.

    Anger may be an emotion that we cannot evade, but the truth is that life is much more beautiful when we learn not to succumb to it.

    I have always been a short-tempered person. I’ve tried various things to control this, in vain. After having ruined many relationships because of this, I decided it was time to do something about my anger.

    I’ve been asking myself “Is it possible to be someone who never gets angry?”  

    There was once a saint who felt like having a bottle of beer. He asked his disciples to get him one. When the shocked disciples did as they were told, the saint simply folded his hands and stared at the bottle.

    Later, he asked his disciples to take it away. When one of them asked him, “What was it that you did?” the saint told him something that we all need to understand. He said, “I cannot control the feelings, the emotions, or the temptations but I can definitely control my actions.”

    As long as I keep my hands folded, there is no way I can grab this bottle of beer, and even though I cannot control my temptations I can control my actions.

    While anger is something we cannot control, what we do when we are angry is something that we definitely can control.

    Imagine you are working on a beautiful painting and suddenly there is a power outage and it’s pitch dark. Would you continue to make strokes on the painting, hoping that it miraculously became a masterpiece?

    In the same way, when you are angry the best thing to do would be nothing at all. Anger is like a power outage for the thinking part of your brain.

    These days, when I get really upset I choose not to say anything. I retire to my room for a couple of minutes, listen to some music, or distract myself. I let myself feel the emotion, but I don’t let myself react.

    Like the saint, I hold my hands and control my tongue, because if I cannot control anger, I will control myself at least.

    The Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

    When I look back at the incident with my friend, I feel like a lot could have been different had I not succumbed to my emotions. In the process I have hurt myself more than I have hurt my friend.

    So I ask you, the next time you get angry, don’t try to control the anger; instead try to control yourself. With a little practice, it becomes a part of your life and you become a person who never lets anger ruin a valued relationship.

    Photo by Scarleth White

  • Dramatically Improve your Relationships by Becoming a Team

    Dramatically Improve your Relationships by Becoming a Team

    Team

    “We may have all come in different ships, but we’re in the same boat now.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

    I once had a totally commonplace, uneventful thought that transformed the way I viewed relationships.

    I’m not sure that it was mine; it certainly wasn’t anything groundbreaking or unique. I may have read it somewhere, I can’t remember now.

    It was the notion that when two people in a relationship think of themselves as on the same team, things get much easier. Positive feelings grow freely. Score-keeping and resentment are nonexistent. 

    Insights are very personal—a simple phrase that turns my world upside down might do absolutely nothing for you, and vice versa. Perhaps this notion was so life-changing for me because I grew up surrounded by people who seemed self-focused, always looking for where they had been wronged.

    They weren’t selfish or egotistical people. They were insecure people.

    My father had insecurities that led him to make everything about himself—if you didn’t say the right thing at the right time, trouble was sure to follow. I spent years walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate my next misstep. It was exhausting.

    And I remember women who constantly, endlessly talked about what was wrong with the “deadbeat men” who never seemed to treat them the way they deserved to be treated.  

    As a kid, it seemed as if adults everywhere put everyone else on the hook for their own happiness. In my childhood innocence and natural wisdom I wondered, why they didn’t take care of their own happiness? 

    Being on the hook for someone else’s happiness not only felt like enormous pressure, it was an impossible task.

    No matter how much my dad approved of something I did one day, he might disapprove of the very same thing the next day. No matter how nice a man was to a woman, he’d inevitably forget to compliment her dress and she’d have him back in the doghouse.

    All of this look-what-you’re-doing-to-me, you-should-be-treating-me-better business is not born out of independent, empowered women (or men) simply refusing to put up with less than what they deserve. That’s often how they like to view themselves, but that’s not it at all.

    Scavenger hunting for all the ways you aren’t being treated fairly is not an act of self-love. It’s an act of insecurity.

    It’s born out of fear and looking to someone else to be your savior. It’s born out of the belief that your happiness comes from what others do, which manifests as manipulation, guilt trips, and passive aggressive behavior aimed at changing them so that you can feel better.

    “Us” Not “Me”

    When you’re focused on yourself, keeping score, and making sure you’re being treated properly, you’re not actually in relationship with another person—you’re in relationship with your thoughts about the other person.

    You’re focusing on yourself, what you can get, and where your partner is falling short.

    Thinking of the two of you as a team shifts your focus. Suddenly it’s not “me versus you”; it’s “us.”

    It’s no longer “I did the laundry every day this week, what did you do?” It’s “We’re a team. I do the laundry more than you at times, and you do a million other things for me at times.”

    It’s not “If you cared about me you’d call twice a day”; it’s “I’d love to talk to you more.”

    The you-and-me-together way of looking at things is exactly what was missing for all of those disgruntled women complaining about their deadbeat men. The extreme look-out-for-myself-first approach is what made my relationship with my dad defensive and inauthentic.

    Teammates

    A couple weeks ago, I was talking with a friend about her marriage when she confessed that she was once a score-keeper. She used to keep a mental tally of what she had done and what her husband hadn’t, and she gave a whole lot of meaning to that score.

    When I asked how she came to leave the score keeping behind, she told me that her husband said something one day that completely turned it around for her.

    In the midst of one of her score reports, her husband said the reason he never thought that way was because he saw them as a team. She gives more in some ways and he gives more in other ways, but why keep track when they are always working together, in the end?

    She instantly knew that was true. He did give more than her in many ways, but her rigid, defensive outlook hadn’t allowed her to even notice what he did for her.

    Although insights are personal, she had the same game-changing one I did. She never looked at her relationship in quite the same way again. When she found herself feeling wronged, she remembered that she and her husband were teammates, not adversaries.

    Being on the same team takes the frailty out of a relationship. My relationship with my father always felt fragile and temporary, like I was one wrong look away from being disowned. In fact, I was.

    Don’t you see this in romantic relationships—especially new ones—all the time?  One or both people are afraid to fully be themselves in fear of what the other might make of their honesty.

    I can clearly remember the wave of relief that washed over my now-husband’s face when we had a disagreement about six months into our courtship. He sat me down to assess the damage and I assured him that we were past the point of breaking up over a petty dissimilarity.

    He says he knew in that moment that we were an “us.” It wasn’t “me” evaluating and judging him,” or “him” deciding whether “I” was right or wrong.

    We were a team, and teams are infinitely more resilient than individual identities trying to coexist.

    I wonder what this shift in perspective might do for you. Even if you aren’t a score keeper always looking for where you were wronged, taking on the team viewpoint can bring a new sense of closeness to your relationships.

    Can you imagine what might happen if we extended this beyond personal relationships—if we saw entire families, communities, or all of humanity as part of the same team?

    Imagine how we’d treat each other.

    Here’s to spreading the insight to our teammates everywhere.

    Photo by ClickFlashPhotos

  • A Lesson About Love Learned from Both Joy and Tragedy

    A Lesson About Love Learned from Both Joy and Tragedy

    Holding Hands

    “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

    A couple of months ago, I had one of the best and worst weekends in a very long time.

    My best friend for the last 15 years was getting married, and I was in the wedding party. We spent most of the weekend eating, drinking, laughing, and reminiscing, and above all celebrating a beautiful love story of two very wonderful people.

    It was particularly special to me, as earlier this year my boyfriend and I moved a thousand miles away, to Austin, Texas. Since 2010 I’d lived a three-hour drive from my Chicago area childhood home, but now I felt exceptionally far from most of the people I love.

    Emotions were high on the day of my friend’s wedding, and beyond the obvious excitement, we all felt a little nervous for her, as she’d expressed anxiety about walking down the aisle in front of so many people.

    Based on her smiles and laughter, the day went by without a hitch, until ten minutes before the ceremony was set to start. My friend’s mother was holding up her veil and fanning her; she was feeling lightheaded. It seemed to be a combination of nerves and the fact that she’d forgotten to eat anything that day.

    The bridesmaids and groomsmen (all 18 of us!) alternated between doting on her and giving her more space. We kept anxiously glancing at each other, silently asking, “What should we do?”

    Then her mother started to sing. “Goooing to the chapel, and we’re gonna get maaaarried.” We all joined in.

    We sang 60’s Motown, 90’s boy bands, every Disney song we could think of. When we couldn’t remember the words to a song, someone would shout out the beginning of a new one.

    My friend got up and danced with her soon-to-be husband, and by the end of it all, she was smiling. I choked back tears, feeling the love fill the room. When the wedding planner told us it was time to line up, the bride was ready to go.

    After the ceremony, I enjoyed the company of some old friends I hadn’t seen in years, danced and danced for hours, and shed a few more tears at some of the speeches in my friend’s honor. The next morning I woke up with a lost voice and leg cramps from dancing that didn’t go away for two days. (more…)

  • 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

    5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

    “Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder

    I’ve had my share of toxic relationships. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who weren’t rooting for our highest good.

    As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically.

    I felt like less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.

    I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize as I denied all that was natural for me.

    The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.

    I hung around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”

    Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.

    Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says is right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!

    While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us change and growth should feel good!

    When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.

    But our intuition knows best. Unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness. (more…)

  • Dealing with Toxic Friendships: Accepting, Forgiving, and Moving On

    Dealing with Toxic Friendships: Accepting, Forgiving, and Moving On

    “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” ~Sri Chinmoy

    I used to have a friend who wasn’t good for me. She would put me down at every opportunity. If she saw me laughing and smiling, she would say something to bring me down. If she saw I was making progress, she would try to hold me back.

    Sometimes I’d hear about things she’d said behind my back. Or discover that she had been poisoning other people’s opinions about me. Even worse, I would find that she would tell others about my personal problems—things I’d discussed privately with her.

    Obviously, I knew she wasn’t good for me. For a long time, I actually believed in her putdowns and thought there must be something wrong with me. But I tried very hard to rationalize her behavior because I cared about her.

    I thought perhaps she hurt other people to lift her own spirits. Maybe she was just miserable and a lost soul herself. No matter what the reasons, I tried on many occasions to talk to her but her defenses would come up and she’d get angry.

    In the end, I grew tired of her negativity, realized she was never going to change, shut her out of my life completely, and moved on.

    Months, even years later, when mutual friends mentioned her name, my heart would jump and I’d relive the pain.

    All the old questions such as “Why was she so angry toward me?” and “What did I do wrong?” would re-emerge and I would torture myself.

    For a long time I was extremely bitter and angry about what had happened. I used to fantasize about all the things I would say to her face when I next bumped into her. I’d imagine how great it would feel to really speak my mind.

    But then I saw the light. I realized that my former friend was suffering, just like we all are. I realized that she was unhappy.

    It doesn’t matter how or why she was a bad friend. It matters that she wasn’t happy. It matters that I forgive. And it matters that I move on.

    I also realized that if I continued to have negative feelings toward her, I would be poisoning myself and prolonging the suffering. I would be making myself unhappy when there really was no need to do it.

    Today, I have forgiven my old friend. I am no longer angry or bitter toward her. I don’t take it personally when I still hear negative things she has said to mutual acquaintances. I don’t mind that she is still angry.

    I only hope that she finds a way to make her life as positive and as amazing as possible. Don’t we wish that for all our friends?

    Sadly, this issue of toxic friendships isn’t uncommon. I bet we all have people in our lives who leave us feeling miserable and drained of energy.

    I also think that when we hang around with these characters, we hold ourselves back and increase our odds of becoming negative.

    So what do we do? Do we abandon people if they’re bad for us? Or do we stick around to help them out?

    The answer lies with the person in question. Only they can make the decision to become happy. It’s literally his or her choice, and no one else can force it.

    In the meantime, all we can do is forgive them for their bad behavior and make ourselves happy by surrounding ourselves with positive people.

    When we choose to associate with positive people, we tend to become happier and brighter and enjoy better lives.

    But doesn’t this mean we give up on those negative friends? Surely, if we are to live a compassionate and kind-hearted life, shouldn’t we be there for them?

    Maybe, if they acknowledge their bad behavior, apologize, and make an effort to change. Ultimately, we only want to let people in our lives if they’re prepared to be good friends.

    In my case, I chose to move on. I have deliberately created a life that is full of interesting and positive people. My current friends are genuinely happy to see me happy.

    They don’t get jealous if I’m successful; they encourage me. They don’t say horrible things about me behind my back; they say kind, loving things. They understand I’m not perfect and forgive me for my flaws. They make me laugh, and they enjoy seeing me happy.

    This is what true friendship should be about.

    If you choose to still hang around with bad friends, you can take comfort in the fact that they do make excellent teachers.

    As the Dalai Lama said, “In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” And Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”

    If you’re not ready to let go of an old friend who is bad for you, work hard to be there for them. Be patient and kind. Try to understand where they’re coming from.

    If it becomes draining and their behaviors continue, it might be time to let go and move on. You wouldn’t wish to make any of your friends unhappy, so why harm yourself? Sometimes it’s better to understand that letting go is the only way.

    When I think of my old friend, I hope that she is happy. Letting her go didn’t mean that I don’t care. It just means I want to be happy myself. That’s why it’s so important to forgive, love, and move on when you have to: We all deserve to be happy. We have the power to make it happen.

  • When Friends Fear We May Judge Them

    When Friends Fear We May Judge Them

    “When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.” ~Wayne Dwyer

    One of the times I felt my lowest was when I found out a best friend didn’t tell me something important that had happened in her life. I felt about an inch tall when she said she feared I would judge her if she told me, and that’s why she kept it a secret.

    At that point, I broke down. Do all my friends feel this way? Why? I’ve always felt very protective of them and tried my best to be a great friend.

    I’m an only child. I’ve spent a lot of time with my parents. They’re wonderful and they’ve done a lot for me, but one thing they’ve passed on is a sort of judgmental, sarcastic type of humor.

    So as much as I joke around and I suppose, judge what others do, I always thought my friends knew that I would always accept them.

    I catch myself gossiping and talking about others, essentially judging them. I’ll admit there are times when I feel as if I’m better than someone. But who am I to think that? I’ve made mistakes. I don’t always do or say the right things. I’m by no means perfect or better than anyone else.

    Suddenly, I somewhat understood what my friend meant. Even though I hoped she knew that I would never judge her choices and I’d always be there for her—and as much as it pains me—I could see why she was afraid to tell me.

    I didn’t want to define myself as a judgmental person who people couldn’t trust to talk about important issues. Not even for one second. So I vowed to change. (more…)

  • How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

    How to Maintain a Relationship with a Loved One Who’s Hurt You

    “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

    In a previous post about forgiveness, I mentioned that I spent years holding onto anger toward someone who hurt me repeatedly years ago.

    I eventually realized that forgiving this person was the only way to set myself free. The resentment, bitterness, and sometimes pure rage were slowly killing me. They manifested in emotional and physical illness, constricting my life so that I was little more than the sum of my grievances and pains.

    At many points I strongly believed my emotions would consume me, bit by bit, until I was nothing but the memory of my overwhelming, righteous fury.

    It’s taken me years to forgive and do my part to transform this relationship because I decided that it was worth saving, but it hasn’t always been easy.

    There have been times when I’ve gotten caught up in painful memories instead of being present in the relationship as it is today. Other times I’ve thought I’ve recognized behaviors reminiscent of the past, and struggled to set clear boundaries for myself.

    Sometimes the answer is, plainly and simply, that it’s time to walk away, even if it’s a relationship with a family member. But if you choose not to for whatever reason, if you feel that this is worth fighting for, these ideas may help you stay—and stay happy—in this relationship as it is:

    1. Realize that you can’t make people change.

    Years ago a therapist told me that you can’t make people change—if they aren’t open to that, you can only change how you respond and relate to them. Knowing this, you may decide that you’re not able to maintain this relationship. You need to be honest with yourself here: is it really healthy to stay in this situation?

    In my case, I created space to heal and then rebuilt a new, healthier relationship after the dynamics had transformed. Though I knew this relationship could enhance both of our lives, I also knew I needed to be mindful of my expectations, as there are certain things it may never be or provide.

    2. Determine what you need.

    You may feel that you can only forgive if this person fully acknowledges everything that hurt you and then takes responsibility for all of it. You may need to go to therapy, either alone or with this person. Or it may be sufficient for you to recognize remorse in actions and then work, on your own, to release your feelings.

    This will be different for everyone, and that’s okay. You are allowed to need whatever you need—but it’s crucial that you identify it. If you know you can’t move on until you receive a thorough confession and apology, but that just isn’t happening, you will set yourself up for pain and unhappiness.

    3. After your needs are met, do the work to forgive.

    There’s an insightful quote that reads: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” That’s what it means to really forgive: accept that what happened happened, choose to find at least some iota of understanding for the other person’s actions, and then decide it’s in your best interest to let it go and move on.

    As with most emotions and choices, forgiving is something we may need to do repeatedly. It’s not a one-time decision. What’s important is that you want to forgive—that you’re willing to have compassion for that person and see them with fresh eyes, even if it isn’t always easy.

    If you don’t feel like you can do that, for whatever reason, you may need to take time and then reassess at a later date. It’s far better to take space and then reconnect when you’re ready to forgive than it is to preserve a relationship that just gets more strained and hostile with each passing day.

    4. Assess your boundaries.

    It’s a lot easier to forgive someone for a mistake or series of mistakes if you set clear boundaries for the relationship going forward.

    You need to ask yourself if something needs to change in order for you to feel safe and happy in the relationship as it is. Do you need to spend less time together? Do you need to be clear that certain topics are not open for discussion? Do you need to assert yourself when the other person starts talking to you in a certain way?

    If you suspect that someone may physically harm you, I strongly suggest you consult a professional who is trained to assist with domestic violence cases. This is a far different situation, as one slip-up could cost your life.

    5. Practice mindfulness.

    This is the most difficult part for me: every so often when I’m interacting with this person, memories from years ago resurface—memories I’ve released many times before. Generally, the present moment looks nothing like the past, but a word or a look can sometimes remind me how angry I felt back then.

    I suspect this may be inevitable in situations like this. Over time the memories become far less frequent, but they always have the potential to pop back up because we are only human. Still, we are far more than the sum of our emotions and reactions.

    We don’t need to let ourselves get swept away in anger, disappointment, or anything else that hurts. This doesn’t mean we won’t feel these things. In fact, it’s a good thing that we do. If we didn’t feel our pains, we likely wouldn’t feel our joys.

    It means we can identify our emotions, sit with them, and then choose to challenge the thoughts that might exacerbate them.

    The alternative is to rehash the past in your head—going through everything you wish didn’t happen, how you feel about the fact that it did, what you wish you did or said then, and how much you hope nothing similar ever happens again. It’s a lot easier to be present when you breathe through your feelings than it is when you obsess about them.

    6. Open up to joy!

    If you’ve chosen to maintain this relationship, you must feel that there’s something in it for (both of) you, or else you wouldn’t do it. Take the time to enjoy each other, living mindfully in the present, within the new boundaries you’ve set.

    If you spend the majority of your time rehashing old stories or making this person repeatedly earn your forgiveness, this relationship won’t have a life in the present—it will just be a shadow of the past. And what’s the point of holding onto that? It would be far kinder to just set this person free than to stay connected by a pain you refuse to release.

    Relationships aren’t easy. People make mistakes, but even the deepest wounds can heal and the most strained relationships can transform. We just need to learn to recognize when it’s healthy to hold on and when it’s wiser to let go.

    Only you know what’s right for you in this moment, and only you can find the courage to honor it.

    Photo by h.koppdelaney

    **So sorry if you left a comment seeking advice and I wasn’t able to respond. I receive a lot of requests for advice on posts from the last ten years, and it’s sometimes tough for me to keep up. If you’re in need of advice or support, you may want to post in the Tiny Buddha forums to get insight from the whole community. You can register for the forums here and start a new post here. I hope you find the help you need!

  • 2 Things You Need to Form a Strong Friendship

    2 Things You Need to Form a Strong Friendship

    “To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.” ~Unknown

    Extreme Makeover: Friendship Edition! That would be the best phrase to describe a year in the life of a cross-cultural friendship with my best friend Marisa.

    This is the first deep and meaningful relationship I’ve ever had with someone who doesn’t speak a word in my own language.

    My relationship with her has exposed and challenged many of my cultural beliefs and ideas about friendship.

    There is nothing wrong with being influenced by culture. We all are.

    But it’s good to recognize where some of our beliefs come from. Every so often we need to do little sorting through and, if need be, have a “garage sale” to get rid of things that are not relevant to our lives.

    From the day that we are born, our culture begins teaching us lessons. It shapes our social behavior, conduct, and whole value system.

    Oftentimes, it’s not until we encounter another culture that we realize how our culture and upbringing shaped our value system.

    Before my relationship with Marisa, I had many North American values that shaped my beliefs about friendship. For example, I believed that we needed massive amounts of time together. I also believed that we needed things in common or the relationship won’t work at all.

    And yes, it is true that you do need these things, but it wasn’t to the degree that I had been brought up to believe.

    You see, I’ve had relationships with people in my own language where we’ve had space, time together, and similar backgrounds.

    But in the short time that I’ve known Marisa, our relationship has grown faster and gone further than some of these other relationships that have had the benefits of time and space. So what is the catch?

    The catch is that it’s not about how much time Marisa and I have together, but rather what we do when we have a moment together. It’s not about how full the cup is, but rather what’s in the cup—the quality and the content.

    Relationships experts say that one of the secrets to keeping a relationship healthy is engagement. (more…)