Tiny Buddha

Tag: fears

  • How to Deal with Worries

    How to Deal with Worries

    “A lot of what weighs you down isn’t yours to carry.” ~Unknown

    What are you worried about right now? No matter how hard we try to not worry, and even when we know that stress is terrible for our health, worry inevitably seeps into our boundaries for one reason or another. Chronic stress causes wear and tear on our bodies, potentially leading to a number of health ailments.

    This terrifies me as a person with many stress points in her life, and as a widowed only parent of three young children. I want to live a long, healthy life so I can be there for my family as long as possible and also enjoy my life. For me, the stakes are high, and I know that I need to work on how I respond to stress.

    Dealing with our worries is a journey of learning when to let go and when to hang on in the wild rollercoaster ride of being alive.

    My school district gave out almost 300 pink slips this year. These are legal notifications that your job is in danger of being eliminated. I was one of the teachers who received one, even though I had been teaching for twenty years.

    You expect to receive them as a new teacher. The last one I received was six years into my career. However, receiving a pink slip at this point was a huge shock to me and a lot of my veteran colleagues, because we had reached the peak of our career mountain when we were supposed to be staring down the final descent toward retirement, not going back out into the job market.

    Worry existed on steroids at my school. I have a leadership position, and one of the most difficult parts of the experience was watching grown adults have breakdowns, perseverating over worst-case scenarios and riddled with anxiety about the future.

    After the initial shock wore off, they cycled through feelings of anger, sadness, and fear. Many of them did not know how they would pay their bills. The toxicity of everyone’s moods hung like a dark cloud over all of us, and I found it difficult to cope with my own emotions while submerged in this environment of despair.

    I found myself turning to my Buddhist practice during this time. The first of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha, which is suffering. Suffering is a fact of life. It exists on a spectrum ranging from minor annoyances to major tragedies, usually a matter of life or death.

    Another way of thinking about suffering is life not going as expected, or not getting what you want. Suffering, or the fear of suffering, causes worry.

    I had gotten comfortable in life and was caught off-guard about my job. It didn’t even cross my mind that this kind of suffering could exist, but of course it was always there. I worried about not finding a similar position, and I worried about putting myself out there in interviews and hustling to market myself as a professional.

    Realizing that attachment causes suffering is Noble Truth #2. Letting those attachments go to stop suffering is Noble Truth #3, and the truth of the path forward is Noble Truth #4. These are designed to help us accept reality as it is and to live in the best possible way for our individual journey.

    Once the initial shock of my pink slip wore off, I started imagining various scenarios and how I would respond. I realized there was a path forward no matter what happened, even if I couldn’t fully conceptualize what mine would look like.

    I had a colleague who said something profound during the crisis. He isn’t usually the type to stay calm during times of adversity, but he said, “I’ve lost a lot of positions in my life, and I always land somewhere better.”

    Those words stuck with me. No matter what happens, you’ll likely grow and learn from the experience and maybe end up somewhere even better than before.

    Part of learning to accept reality is to understand and embrace the concept of impermanence. Impermanence means that nothing stays the same.

    The bad news is that the good aspects of your life will not remain forever. You will not always have your favorite people in your life. The brand-new car you bought will get scratched and eventually have a lot of miles on it.

    However, the good news is that the bad things in your life also will not stay the same. Quarrels blow over. Elections come and go. Recessions eventually disappear into the rearview mirror.

    We eventually adjust to changes in our circumstances, even the ones we didn’t want.

    I know the education budget crisis will eventually pass. I know this because in 2012 I was out on the streets waving signs and advocating and wearing pink to show solidarity, and that feels like a lifetime ago. Now we’re wearing “red for ed” and back on the streets fighting for education funding in 2024.

    For the past twelve years, I haven’t had to think about the budget. I survived the recession and kept my job.

    It will get better.

    And it will get worse.

    It will also look different.

    This is all part of the journey.

    Embracing the concept of non-self is important in addressing our worries. It is necessary to separate who you are from your problems. I think we have a tendency to merge the two.

    I hear people make self-deprecating comments like “I’m a terrible speaker.” This is not a fixed character trait.

    The way to become a better speaker is to keep speaking. To practice. Trial and error.

    The only way out is through. You’ve got to do the thing. I think a lot of our worry comes from boxing ourselves into labels that are not real. This can blind us to the fact that we can change our situation at any given moment, even if it is only our perspective and attitude about it.

    I am a teacher, but that is not who I am. I teach at a particular school in a particular department, teaching particular courses, but those details are not who I am either.

    It’s easy to cling to those labels and call them an identity when those aspects of our lives feel important and familiar. However, everything will inevitably end at some point anyway, and we will still be the same person, with or without the details we clung so tightly to.

    We have to work on becoming less self-attached. Our foolish selves naturally gravitate toward thinking about me, me, me. We are inclined toward self-centeredness. We wallow in our personal circumstances and cannot see past our little bubble, and it obscures the big picture.

    Finally, working on non-attachment is a way to alleviate worry. We are attached to so many things, and this is what causes us to suffer.

    As a teacher, I see my students attached to getting into a specific college, or getting a certain grade, or winning a game, and the list goes on and on. It doesn’t get better in adulthood. Adults may be attached to projecting a specific image or having a certain amount of money. A parent may be attached to what they think their kids should play for sports or how they expect them to perform in school.

    Let these expectations go. Stop being attached to one version of life. Be open to other variations, and you might have a few less things to worry about. This requires trust in the innumerable paths life has to offer us.

    In the end, my school district rescinded all of our pink slips. Nothing happened to my job, at least not for next year.

    One may view this experience as a waste of emotions, but I see it as a wake-up call. I know I’ll come out of this experience stronger, more resilient, and better prepared for whatever is around the corner.

    Suffering is important and it can actually make us better humans. Thich Nhat Hanh said that “suffering is essential for happiness. We have to know the suffering of being too cold to enjoy and appreciate being warm.”

    One way to think about what worries us is to accept the worst-case scenarios and be willing to look for the lessons. This changes how we view suffering. It shifts it from being the boogeyman who we are scared of to a firm but impactful teacher who helps us become comfortable with the uncomfortable.

    It is important to remember that the present moment is not always going to be rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes it will be losing a job, someone breaking up with us, our loved one dying, the refrigerator breaking, getting sick, and a lot of other potential unwanted scenarios.

    Whatever is happening, we need to be able to sit with it, know that it will not last because of impermanence, and also remember that it is teaching us something that is making us better versions of who we were.

    Maybe half the battle of worry is normalizing failure—to adjust our reality. Not internalizing failure but recognizing that it is a normal part of the growing process. It is not something that defines who we are. It is not something to hold on tight to, but rather something to reflect on and let go so you can make space in your life and have the energy to try again.

    When you feel worried about something, remember that the best way out is always going to be through. Trust the process.

  • How to Get to the Amazing Life on the Other Side of Your Fears

    How to Get to the Amazing Life on the Other Side of Your Fears

    “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others!” ~Marianne Williamson

    Have you ever felt trapped by fear, unable to break free from the shackles of insecurity and doubt? It’s a shared experience that often holds us back from living authentically and pursuing our true passions.

    Fear comes in many forms—fear of failure, fear of success, fear of the unknown. Yet, at its core, fear is a prison of our own making, constructed from limiting beliefs and negative self-talk.

    But what if I told you that confronting your fears could lead to liberation? What if facing your deepest insecurities was the key to unlocking your true potential?

    Consider the metaphor of caged dogs accustomed to electric shocks. Despite the opportunity to escape, they remain imprisoned by familiarity, opting for discomfort over the unfamiliarity of freedom. This phenomenon is mirrored in our lives, where we cling to dissatisfaction for the illusion of security.

    Reflecting on my own journey, I recall a time when I grappled with chronic illness. Despite yearning for healing, I realized I harbored a deep-seated fear of what lay beyond the confines of my suffering.

    I had an epiphany (post-existential crisis): Did I fear failure? Or did I fear success? Did I actually fear what success and healing meant and what they came with?

    What would healing mean for me? It would mean relinquishing the safety net of my pain and stepping into a reality where I was called to fulfill my purpose and potential. The prospect was daunting, especially after being confined to the shadows and the comfort of my sofa for so long.

    As I embarked on the journey toward healing, I found myself grappling with a profound fear—one that extended beyond the confines of my illness. I yearned for recovery, yet I couldn’t shake the apprehension of what lay beyond the familiar territory of my suffering.

    Would I lose the identity I had forged amidst my struggles?

    Would I be able to navigate a world without the crutch of my suffering?

    These questions loomed large, casting shadows of doubt and hesitation on my path to recovery. It became evident that my fear wasn’t merely rooted in the prospect of being sick or well but rather in the unknown territory ahead.

    Yet, amidst the uncertainty, a glimmer of hope emerged—a reminder that growth often requires us to confront our deepest fears head-on. I realized that true healing transcends physical recovery; it demands a willingness to embrace change and step into the unknown.

    As I grappled with these uncertainties, I came to understand that the journey toward healing is not just about overcoming illness but about rediscovering ourselves and embracing the fullness of life that awaits on the other side of fear.

    We fear that the life we truly want would be too scary to bring into manifestation. But to live in such a way is doing ourselves a massive disservice. You can feel it in your soul when you abandon your desires in this way.

    Yet, as I confronted my fears head-on, I discovered a newfound sense of empowerment and freedom. I realized that true liberation comes from within, from the courage to embrace change and step into the unknown.

    Marianne Williamson poignantly remarked, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Embracing our innate power liberates us and those around us, igniting a ripple effect of inspiration and transformation.

    So, how do we break free from the chains of fear? Here are some actionable steps to help you overcome anxiety and step into your authentic self.

    1. Identify your fears.

    Take time to reflect on the fears holding you back. Write them down and acknowledge their presence in your life.

    2. Challenge your beliefs.

    Question the validity of your fears. Are they based on facts or assumptions? Challenge the negative self-talk that reinforces these fears. When I did this exercise, I realized I believed I wasn’t good enough and assumed it would be too much work to pursue the life I wanted.

    3. Learn and practice nervous system regulation.

    Fear is programmed into our bodies from a young age. If we don’t deal with it, then it can become trapped inside us and cause things like anxiety, depression. and chronic illness. Teaching my body how to feel fear and stay regulated was vital to my healing journey.

    One way I do this is through breathwork, focusing on longer exhales to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. I also discovered that movement really is medicine when it comes to the nervous system. And I underwent somatic trauma therapy and somatic experiencing, which was game-changing in my healing journey and recovering from chronic anxiety.

    4. Visualize success.

    Imagine yourself overcoming your fears and achieving your goals. Visualize the empowerment and fulfillment that come with stepping into your authentic self.

    5. Take small steps.

    Break down your goals into manageable steps and take action toward overcoming your fears. Celebrate each small victory along the way.

    When I knew I wanted to travel the world and work online but was housebound due to my health and anxiety, I started with going to the shops. Then months later, I went back to work one day a week. I built myself up, and three years later, I just came back from three months travelling in Bali!

    6. Seek support.

    Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or a therapist who can offer encouragement and guidance as you confront your fears. You do not have to do this alone! It takes a village!

    7. Cultivate compassion for the part of you that is scared of thriving.

    Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Recognize that facing your fears takes courage, and it’s okay to experience setbacks along the way.

    Feeling scared or hesitant about the prospect of thriving and healing is natural. After all, change can be daunting, and the unknown can evoke feelings of vulnerability. However, it’s essential to approach these fears with compassion and love, recognizing that they stem from a place of self-protection and past experiences.

    Start by acknowledging the validity of your fears and the emotions they evoke. Instead of dismissing or suppressing them, offer yourself empathy and understanding. Remember that feeling scared is okay, your emotions are valid, and you’re doing your best to navigate this journey.

    Offer yourself the same compassion you would extend to a loved one facing similar challenges.

    8. Practice self-care.

    Engage in self-care practices that nurture your emotional well-being and cultivate inner peace. This could include mindfulness meditation, journaling, time in nature, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and comfort. By prioritizing self-care, you create a supportive foundation for addressing your fears with compassion and love.

    9. Be patient with yourself.

    Finally, remind yourself that healing and thriving are gradual processes that require patience and perseverance. Support yourself through each step of your journey, knowing you deserve to live a life filled with growth, joy, and fulfilment.

    Ultimately, the path to liberation lies in embracing change, confronting our fears, and stepping into our authentic selves. It’s a journey of self-discovery and empowerment that promises freedom, fulfilment, and the realization of our true potential.

    Are you ready to embrace the unknown and liberate yourself from fear? The choice is yours.

  • The Unconscious Vows We Make to Ourselves So the World Can’t Hurt Us

    The Unconscious Vows We Make to Ourselves So the World Can’t Hurt Us

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” ~Jonathan Safron Foer

    Are you aware that we all make unconscious vows early on, and they become our internal blueprint for life? These vows dictate who we can be and are often deeply engrained.

    Our vows are attached to a deeper need we’re trying to meet—the need for love, acceptance, safety, connection, and security. They’re not bad or wrong, and neither are we for having them; they come from a smart part of us that’s trying to help us feel safe.

    Vows are more than a belief; vows are a “never again” thing or “this is the only way to be because my survival is at stake.” 

    What is a vow, you may ask? Well, let me paint a picture for you.

    When I was a little girl, I was teased for being fat, stupid, and ugly. Soon enough, I started blaming my body for being hurt and teased. I thought that because I was “fat, stupid, and ugly” there was something wrong with me, and that was why I didn’t have any friends.

    At age thirteen my doctor told me to go on a diet, and that’s when I started to believe that I was a “defect” because I was fat. At that point I made a vow: “I will never be fat again.”

    I started cutting back on my food, I became a maniac exerciser, and being thin became the only thing that mattered

    Then, at age fifteen, I entered my first hospital for anorexia, and for over twenty-three years I was in therapy and numerous hospitals and treatment centers. No matter how much weight I gained in these programs, when I left, I went right back to losing weight by limiting my food intake and exercising excessively because I’d vowed to myself “I’ll never be fat again.”

    The process of gaining weight only added to the trauma and fears I was already experiencing. Instead of being compassionate and understanding and helping me offer love to the parts of myself that were hurting, staffers “punished” me when I didn’t eat my whole tray of food by taking away my privileges and upping my meds.

    When we experience trauma like I did as a child, it’s not what happened to us that stays with us; it’s the vows we made and what we concluded it meant about ourselves, others, and life in general that stay.

    We concluded who we needed to be in order to be loved and accepted by our family, and that became our unconscious blueprint that started dictating our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

    “I will never be fat again because if I am I won’t be loved and accepted” was a trauma response, which turned into a vow that carried a lot of fear and anxiety. I used undereating and compulsive exercising as survival tools, and I would not let go of this pattern no matter how much anyone told me I needed to.

    If I couldn’t exercise, especially after I ate, my heart would race and I would panic, sweat, and shake. Those symptoms were my body signaling to me that I needed to exercise so I wouldn’t get fat

    This was the only way I knew how to be. I was living in a trance, an automatic conditioned response. And no matter how much conscious effort I exerted to change my habitual ways, something inside would bring me back to limiting my food intake and exercising excessively.

    When we’re forced to let go of our survival mechanisms without healing the inner affliction, it feels like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute; it’s scary and overwhelming. This was why I became suicidal, too, especially when I perceived I was getting fat again; I would rather leave my body than be traumatized and teased.

    Eating disorders, addictions, depression, anxiety, pain, or illness are often symptoms showing us where our energy is frozen in time, where we’re carrying deep wounds and holding onto vows we made from traumatic or painful experiences.

    When someone is anxious or depressed, it may be because they’re not living their truth, and this may be because they feel they’re not allowed to. They may think they need to meet everyone else’s expectations, because if they don’t, they may be punished and/or abandoned. 

    They may use food, drugs, smoking, or drinking as a way to find ease with what they’re feeling and experiencing. They may be using a substance to numb the pain stemming from traumatic experiences or from the idea of not being “perfect” or not feeling “good enough.”

    Why is it hard for some people to love themselves and ask for what they want and need? Because, if you’re like me, you may have been screamed at or called selfish for doing these things when you were a child, so you may have made the unconscious vow “I’m not allowed to ask for anything or take care of or love myself.”

    The habits and behaviors we can’t stop engaging in, no matter how hard we try and how destructive or limiting they may be, are meeting a need. The goal isn’t to override our impulses and change the behavior; instead, a better approach is to understand why they exist in the first place and help that part of ourselves feel loved and safe.

    No matter how many affirmations we say or how much mindset work we do, our survival mechanisms and vows are more powerful, so a part of us will resist change even if it’s healthy.

    Often, when I’m working with a client who struggles with addiction, anxiety, depression, and/or loving themselves and allowing themselves to have fun, when we go inside and find the root cause, it’s because of a vow they made when they were little, when they were either being screamed at, teased, left alone, or punished.

    They concluded that they were bad or wrong for being true to themselves, asking for things, or wanting to be held and loved. They learned that having needs and acting naturally wasn’t okay, so they started suppressing that energy, which created their symptoms as adults.

    “I don’t need anyone; I’m fine alone” may be a vow and a way to protect ourselves from being hurt again. The challenge with this is that, as humans, we need approval and validation; we need love and caring. This is healthy and what helps us thrive and survive as human beings.

    When trauma gets stored in our body, we feel unsafe. Until we resolve it and reconnect with a feeling of safety in the area(s) where we were traumatized, we’ll remain in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze, be hypersensitive and overreactive, take everything personally, and seek potential threats, which makes it difficult to move on from the initial occurrence.

    So, how do we see what vows are dictating our life journey?

    We can notice our unconscious vows by being with the parts of ourselves that are afraid. They often come as feelings or symptoms in the body. For instance, I would panic, sweat, and shake if I couldn’t exercise, especially after I ate.

    When I sat with this part of myself with unconditional love and acceptance and a desire to understand where it originated, instead of using exercise to run away, it communicated to me why it was afraid. It brought me back to where it all began and said, “If I’m fat I’ll be teased, abandoned, and rejected, and I want to be loved and accepted.”

    Healing is about releasing that pent up energy that’s stored in the body and making peace with ourselves and our traumas.

    Healing is about reminding our bodies that the painful/traumatic event(s) are no longer happening; it’s learning how to comfort ourselves when we’re afraid and learning emotional regulation.

    Healing is about getting clear about where the hurt is coming from; otherwise, we’ll spend our time going over the details and continuously get triggered because we never get to the real source.

    Healing is not about forcing; it’s about accepting what’s happening. It’s a kind, gentle, and loving approach. We’re working with tender parts that have been traumatized and hurt. These parts don’t need to be pushed or told how to be. They need compassion; they need to be seen, heard, loved, and accepted; they need our loving attention so they can feel safe and at ease.

    They’ve been hiding; in a sense they’ve been disconnected. When we acknowledge them and bring them into our hearts, we experience a loving integration. When we experience a loving integration we experience a true homecoming, and in that we experience a sense of inner peace. Then we more naturally start taking loving care of ourselves and making healthy choices.

  • How I Overcame My Psychic Addiction and Stopped Giving My Power Away

    How I Overcame My Psychic Addiction and Stopped Giving My Power Away

    “If you’re looking for a sign from the universe, and you don’t see one, consider it a sign that what you really need is to look inside yourself.” ~Lori Deschene

    I used to have no idea what I should do. About anything. I would go from friend to friend running polls:

    Should I be a solo singer or in a group?

    Is this guy the one?

    Should I do this job or that job?

    Should I stay in LA or move to Vancouver?

    Should I get bangs?

    On and on it went. It wasn’t that I wanted validation. It was that I had no clue what I should do. Or, if I did know, I would quickly override it with endless doubt. I’d loop:

    “Maybe that isn’t the right decision. What if you’re wrong. Maybe it’s better if you do this.”

    It didn’t stop, and I couldn’t get it right. If only someone would just help a girl out. Surely, they’d know what’s best for me.

    There was a period of time (okay, years) when I had a serious psychic addiction. I would go from tarot reader to intuitive to tea reader to whatever else held the key to my life and purpose. Numerology, astrology, palm reader, random aliens, or angels—you name it, I doled out cash for it. It was my favorite hobby.

    Years back, I went through a breakup, and I had very important questions like, “When is he coming back?”

    I made some serious rounds through the LA tarot circuit. I found one reader that I bonded with at the now-closed Bodhi Tree (still grieving the loss…way longer than that ex). I liked her a lot, and because her readings gave me the kernel of hope I needed, she was the one, and I was hooked. It was like her cards magically tapped into my ex! In the first reading. She said, “Looks like you will be seeing him very soon.”

    Then I saw him on Melrose.

    What?

    Ding, ding, ding. She was the direct line, and I needed more. She just did it so well, tuning into my future.

    Every time I saw her, I knew I would get exactly what I needed. A hit, a bump—I could relax, knowing all was well with my existence. My future was all figured out. The love would return, fame was destined, and money would soon pour in. So I started going more and more. She only worked a few times a week, but I often made sure my name was on that appointment list.

    Then one day, it happened. It was the wake-up call that I needed but hadn’t prepared for.

    I got to the Bodhi Tree before her shift (I knew her schedule, of course), and since they weren’t yet open, I hung out on the sidewalk waiting. I needed to get to her first.

    My heart sped up with excitement when I saw her gliding down the sidewalk. The Tarot Queen, the one who held my future in her hands, walked toward me, obviously flanked with fairies and magic dust.

    Though we were the only two people on the sidewalk, she took a few moments to see me. I smiled, waved with enthusiasm, and walked toward her.

    Her gaze met mine, and we locked eyes. And for just a quick moment, she held my gaze. And then it happened. Her face kind of contorted, and she jumped back a bit. She was surprised or worse, scared when she saw me.

    She was scared to see me.

    Not the “OMG, I didn’t see you, and you startled me” kind but an “Oh no, this person is stalking me” look. She had panicked eyes. She was one thousand percent making a judgment call, and it was that I had gone way too far with the readings, and she was worried, perhaps for herself.

    She had become my drug, and I had come for my fix—she was doling out oracles for a reality that did not currently exist. The future. She played it off that day (oh yes, I got my reading), but it was a sight I couldn’t unsee.

    You know when someone you’re paying rejects you that something is off. It’s like those stories about drug dealers cutting their clients off in the hopes they go to rehab. You almost can’t believe it and assume it’s a myth until you get a first-hand account of one of these unicorn scenarios.

    Of course, an addiction to the need to know isn’t going to land me a DUI, but it wasn’t leading me to self-confidence and rock-solid intuition. Besides, wake-up calls come in all different “hello, notice me” alerts.

    Sometimes you just need a giant slap in the face with a deck of goddess cards to get you back on track.

    Now just to be fully transparent, that was not the end of my psychic run. It was the end of my time with her because I hate to look bad, but it didn’t stop me from getting advice from wherever I could. However, it did make an impression.

    And just to further drive the transparency home, when I was over that guy, there was another. And another that I sought advice for “out there,” whether it was with a Love Tarot deck or a friend that I thought somehow knew something I didn’t. Here’s what I didn’t know…

    No one outside of yourself knows what your answers are.

    No one.

    Not a one.

    Things just take the time they need to take, and we need to learn what we’re meant to learn. It’s the healing and completion that matter, not the time required.

    My overthinking, obsessive mind and love of all things spiritual led me to an amazing teacher that helped me shift to my inner knowing instead of needing constant outside approval.

    She was strongly opposed to psychics. She had spent many years as one but quit when she had the realization that people stopped living when they were told something about their potential future.

    If someone hears “Your soulmate is a blond man with an accent,” they then cease giving anyone else the time of day and might miss an amazing dark-haired guy in the process. That blond could be coming, but he may not. Psychics are sometimes accurate, but they are not perfect. No one is.

    Aren’t we all just swinging in the dark?

    And things change. A clairvoyant might have seen a glimmer of something that you might quickly grow out of or change course from. Nothing is permanent, and we can change our current path in a moment.

    My spiritual teacher used the term “corner store drug dealers” when describing psychics. They provide an easy-to-find, quick fix of the most addictive and popular drug (the who, what, where, when, and why) that comes in the form of your juicy future. One hit at a time.

    After many busy years in that business, she didn’t want to co-sign it anymore. So she walked away because it removed people from their present moment. She wanted to encourage people to tap into their own intuition—something she believed only came from life experience in the “now.” She rarely ever told me something I couldn’t feel for myself, and she did her best to guide me toward my true instinct.

    It was a gift I could never repay. Something I could never have gotten from a reading.

    Does this mean I’m psychic-free? No, I’m not, but I get them for entertainment now. I like to get a reading on my birthday most years. I got one in New Orleans (isn’t that rite of passage?), and I’ll never turn down a tarot party. I’ll get one, but I don’t shift my life to fit the prediction.

    Readings are also helpful when used as a real-life pendulum. Like, “Did I like what she just said? Do I want it to be true”? Great, then move in that direction regardless of any outcome. It’s just a clue to what feels right and good.

    However, despite all this “look at how I’ve changed” wisdom, I recently fell prey to my old ways. This past August I went to a sought-after channeler to celebrate my birthday. As much as I wanted to just toss her expensive words into the fun psychic basket with the rest, I found myself in that all too familiar feeling of my past.

    Maybe it was because it was hard to score an appointment, or because she has a high accuracy rate, or perhaps because I was feeling directionless in general. Regardless of why, when she told me that Nashville was where I’d be by Christmas, I just couldn’t shake her prediction.

    Here’s the catch, my husband didn’t want to go, and he wasn’t budging. But, but, but…I needed to get there. After months of Zillow shopping and spinning out of any intuition I had left, I came up with a genius idea.

    Go back for another reading. Say nothing and see if she still sees Nashville. She was, after all, in a trance, so she would never remember. When a spot opened on her waiting list, I jumped at the chance.

    Drumroll. This session did not include Nashville in the near future.

    I was so relieved. Not because I will or will not eventually live in Nashville. Or Milan or London or anywhere else in the world. But because the choice was mine again. It always was, but I had given my power away to someone else. She’s a lovely person too, by the way—this was all on me. We create our own destiny. We create our futures. No one else.

    Only we truly know our own answers. And we can change our minds whenever we want.

    Even my psychic relapse bestowed a gift. I am even clearer about what feels right for me now. I just needed a reminder that I am the only one making decisions for my life. So any future readings will be a fun check-point for my intuition. And believe me, I’d be thrilled if something came true, but no prediction ever has…

    Well, I did see that ex on Melrose that one time. But other than that, nothing. Not a thing.

  • 3 Reasons to Stop Worrying About Your Negative Thoughts

    3 Reasons to Stop Worrying About Your Negative Thoughts

    Negative Thoughts

    “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Do you ever catch yourself being critical, judgmental, or full of fear and worry? And do you ever worry about how many negative thoughts you have? If you do, this post is for you.

    We’re taught that negative thoughts are bad, that they’re “toxic,” they “lower your vibration,” keep you stuck, and so on.

    We’re taught that in order to feel self-assured and confident, we should banish negative thoughts from our lives. Kind of like, goodbye, negative thoughts; hello, higher vibration, better boyfriend, nicer car, inner peace, and so on.

    So what do you do with all that negative junk in your head? How do you make it stop? And is trying to jam a positive thought over a negative one really the best way to manage the situation?

    The reason I’m thinking about this today is that it’s 7:30am and for the past three hours I’ve been watching Mad Men. Yep. Instead of setting myself up for the day with a restful sleep, I’ve been watching T.V. for half the night.

    To be fair, it’s an unusual thing for me to do, but still, you should hear the rubbish my mind is telling me:

    You’re such a lazy little missy. 

    You’re going to have a bad day.

    You’re not going to get anywhere like this. 

    Yikes.

    People often advise you to trade a negative thought for a positive one using techniques like affirmations. Quick, quell those negative thoughts! But is this really the best way forward?

    Most people misunderstand this whole negative thinking debacle because they misunderstand what thoughts are in the first place.

    Happiness doesn’t depend on how few negative thoughts you have, but on what you do with the ones you have.

    This brings me to the first piece of good news: (more…)

  • Accepting People You Dislike as They Are: How It Benefits You and How to Do It

    Accepting People You Dislike as They Are: How It Benefits You and How to Do It

    “We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.” ~Aesop, The Eagle and the Arrow

    We can sometimes have difficulty accepting our friends, family, and loved ones as they are when their habits, quirks, or behavior annoy us. Our natural tendency is to try to change what we don’t like about them, which often leads to resentment. Nonetheless, given their importance and presence in our lives, we are usually willing to make an effort to accept them as they are.

    But what about people we dislike—people who cause us grief? For example, an overbearing boss, a scheming coworker, or an annoying relative. Should we also make an effort to accept them as they are?

    Before you decline to do so, consider that when we don’t accept such people as they are (and more about what that means shortly), the adverse consequences for ourselves can be even worse.

    One problem is that we will be prone to engaging them in combative, retaliatory ways, as was my modus operandi. I now realize that I suffered unnecessarily from my refusal to accept people I disliked or despised, in terms of both greater personal anguish and counterproductive responses to their actions.

    And especially so when I was betrayed by a business partner several years ago.

    I Refused to Accept My Business Partner for Who He Was

    During a particularly difficult period in my life when my first wife and I were on the brink of breaking up, a business partner was intent on squeezing me out of my most profitable real estate investment in the Midwest. He controlled the purse strings and withheld the money due to me from the investment.

    He also made disparaging remarks about my wife and me to our banker. The problem was, we shared the same banker—my partner introduced us—and my partner happened to be one of the bank’s wealthiest clients. The bank called my loans, and I didn’t have the means to repay them.

    Accepting this person for who he was and acting in my best interests under the circumstances was not even a consideration. Instead, consumed with unbridled anger and resentment, I foolishly launched a costly five-year legal battle that brought me to the brink of bankruptcy.

    My sense of urgency also caused me to miss important doctor appointments for the removal of a small lesion on my nose, which later resulted in my losing half my nose to a vicious tumor and enduring four major reconstructive surgeries.

    When an offer to settle came in shortly before trial, my attorney asked me what I wanted out of the case—meaning financially. I righteously announced to him my intention to make my partner stop taking advantage of people and change his unscrupulous business practices.

    Dumbfounded, my attorney turned to me and exclaimed, “Danny, you must be kidding! Do you really think you are going to change this man? That’s just not going to happen.”

    And it didn’t!

    What Acceptance Is—and Isn’t

    As I mentioned, accepting my partner for who he was and not trying to change him was not a consideration. At the time, I equated acceptance with surrender and excusing bad behavior—and being weak. I also believed that I had the power to change people’s ingrained ways, which I now know is myth conquering reality!

    I have since learned that true acceptance has nothing to do with surrender, backing down, condoning bad behavior, or the like. Rather, true acceptance means accepting people and things as they are without judgment or harboring negative feelings such as fear, anger, resentment, and the like (or at least minimally so).

    As such, true acceptance is the detached, even-keeled acknowledgment of the underlying or objective reality—the “how is” and “what is”—of the person or situation.

    With that mindset, you are able to accept someone you dislike as they are, and still terminate the relationship if you determine it is in your best interest to do so. You can also change the dynamics of the relationship if cutting ties is not practical or realistic.

    For example, you can accept a divisive sibling (or other family member) as they are, and still set boundaries, such as avoiding problematic topics of discussion, or choosing the type, extent, and frequency of contact you wish to have.

    Further, acceptance does not mean that you need be passive or give up principles and values that are important to you. Thus, whether in dealing with dishonest politicians or business leaders, or when you feel an injustice has been done, acceptance does not mean that you shouldn’t take corrective actions that voice your own “truths.”

    The Gifts of Accepting People You Dislike 

    When you are able to accept people you dislike (or anyone for that matter) as they are, you can then recognize the choices that will serve you best.

    Why? Acceptance induces a critical shift in focus from what you are powerless to change or do to what you can do to better serve your needs. In short, accepting what is lets you discover what might be—and no less so when dealing with people you dislike.

    I certainly had viable choices with my business partner besides pursuing the combative, self-harming course I chose. One choice was to not sue and instead devote my time and energy—and money—to improving my other properties. However, my unprocessed fear and anger obscured this much wiser path.

    A related gift of acceptance is that it brings you freedom by releasing the shackles that bind you to troublesome relationships. (This is particularly true when dealing with past parental transgressions, control freaks, and other “crazy makers.”)

    Acceptance is also a great stress and anxiety reducer. When you accept people and things as they are, you have little to stress (and lose sleep) over.

    Keys to Accepting People You Dislike

    Practicing acceptance with people you dislike is challenging. It is often a process that evolves over time and in which incremental steps are fruitful. Certain keys will facilitate the process.

    Process your fears.  

    Unprocessed fear prevents acceptance because it dominates our thoughts instead of allowing us to make the choices that serve us best. Apt acronyms for FEAR are “Future Events Already Ruined” and “False Evidence Appearing Real.”

    With my partner, for example, I was in that “already ruined” mode because of my strong fear that his actions would irreparably impact my livelihood—but they in fact wouldn’t because I had other profitable investments.

    We thus need to process and reduce our fears in order to benefit from the even-keeled type of acceptance I have described. Most fears are illusory and speculative; they diminish and even leave when they are closely examined.

    It helps considerably to examine the objective reality of the person or situation you are dealing with rather than be guided by negative speculations about what might happen and what could be. Face and lean into your fears. Their bark is much greater than their bite. When you so process your fears, their hold over you (and your thinking) will lessen considerably, and viable options and choices will be revealed to you.

    Defuse your anger.

    In much the same manner, our anger and resentment toward people we dislike obstruct acceptance. Moreover, anger can easily exacerbate situations in ways that are harmful to us, like it did for me when I dueled with my business partner.

    The late Carrie Fisher expressed it well in her book Wishful Drinking: “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” (I certainly drank a lot of poison while waiting for my former business partner to change his dishonorable ways!)

    It softens the edge of your resentment if you try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Many—perhaps even most—times, people’s behavior is based on their fears, anxieties, and self-interests and not on any intent to harm us.

    An overbearing and controlling boss, for example, is likely guided by fears and anxiety about his business rather than your job performance. A fierce competitor, whether in business or on the playing field or at school, is likely guided by her need to win rather than a desire to suppress you. And an unkind gossiper is likely guided by her low self-esteem and need to be liked rather than an intent to harm you.

    In the case of my partner, looking back I now recognize that he acted mainly out of the concern about how the break-up of my marriage would impact one of his largest investments.

    Look for the good!  

    Some—maybe most—of the time we are so engulfed in the turmoil with those we dislike, that we can’t see the “positive” influences that they have on our lives. I learned an awful lot from my partner during the years we worked together. He’s a very astute businessman. My departure totally changed my career trajectory. It lead to establishing a real estate investment company in which I have been able to apply what I learned from him in my own business dealings with great success.

    Another major gift was that he played a major role in helping me to prove to myself that I can take care of myself under severe pressures and adverse circumstances. I always had doubts about that.

    Recognizing these “good” things removed my anger and I was later able to accept my partner for the person he was, even offering a toast to his good health at a dinner gathering of friends following the settlement of the law suit.

    Acceptance Intentions

    Below are some intentions that will assist you in accepting people you dislike as they are.

    I will: 

    Process my fear and anger.

    Not take what they do personally.

    Recognize the fears and anxieties that drive them.            

    Pause, reflect, and think objectively.

    Not assume an intent to harm me.

    Set appropriate boundaries.

    Trust that I will be able to take care of myself.

    Be true to myself.

    In doing these things, you will feel less annoyed, more grounded, and more focused on taking care of your needs—and the gifts of acceptance will be yours!

  • Walking Through Fire: Change Can Be Scary, But It’s Worth It

    Walking Through Fire: Change Can Be Scary, But It’s Worth It

    “What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.” ~Charles Bukowski

    I used to be scared to walk through the fire.

    I was scared to do deeply unsettling, terrifying, hard things.

    I was scared to face my biggest fears and struggles head on.

    And for the greater part of my twenties, I did everything I could to avoid the heat.

    In particular, there was one fire that scared me to my core.

    As I graduated college, I was the happiest I’d ever been: I’d met my very best friends, traveled to small, colonial Mexican towns, studied meaningful subjects, and earned top grades. I was a natural student—alive and excited as I learned new languages, read interesting books, and idolized my professors. I was energetic, excited, and passionate; I’d created purpose—layers and layers of purpose—in every part of my college experience.

    Naturally, I was scared to death to graduate.

    Would I feel this fulfilled ever again? Would I be able to learn like this, so unabashedly, so completely, so happily, ever again? Would I meet remarkable people like this ever again?

    I’d finally gotten everything figured out—purpose, happiness, friendships—and I had to start all over again. Start a new life.

    As we were packing up, getting ready to leave, a friend’s words stuck with me: “This has been the most amazing four years. But don’t worry, we’ll find this again. The best is yet to come.”

    My heart sank. I didn’t believe him.

    With a heart full of dread, a mind full of doubt, and no clear path ahead, I graduated from college. I had to. But I vowed that I would always be my vibrant, college self—that the “real world” would never change me. That I would never grow up to be boring and dull. That I would avoid the pain of moving on for as long as possible.

    That next chapter of my life—becoming an adult, diving into a job, paving a career path, making new friends, moving out, settling down, becoming more responsible—was a big, blazing, hissing fire, probably the biggest I’d ever seen. God, it looked so scary.

    Instead of walking through that scary fire, instead of moving forward, I did nothing. I stayed exactly where I was, pain-free.

    I went back to my old college campus almost every weekend. I drove to different cities all over the east coast to visit my college friends. I half-assed a few corporate jobs. I partied heavily and frequently, like a college student on a never-ending spring break. I spent all my money like I had no future. I lived at my parents’ house, with no plans of moving out or moving on.

    As my friends were settling down and changing, walking through their own fires, I called them “lame” and “boring.” “At least I’m still my fun, college self,” I thought. I was the same old me and always would be—the life of the party.

    But that fire never stopped blazing in front of me. It was always waiting for me, taunting me, daring me to walk through it. “Turn the page.” “Grow.” “Be someone different.”

    As the years passed, six of them in a row, I was too afraid to even look at the fire. Even though it was getting harder and harder to ignore, I just couldn’t imagine how painful it would be to walk through it. To change, to grow.

    So I turned away from it. Instead, I drank a lot. I ate even more. I settled into dangerous routines—partying every weekend, sleeping a few hours, and eating takeout every night.

    I was waking up in the middle of the night, panting and gasping for air. I started to lose interest in all of my TV shows, my job, my social events, my health, and my family. I was living in a messy house with clothes everywhere. I was gaining weight uncontrollably—almost sixty pounds in a few years. I was at the doctor almost every week with sinus and coughing problems. I had no money, no credit, no motivation. Honestly, I was exhausted. Every day, I’d ask myself, “Is this it? Is this all there is to life?”

    The fire continued to burn more brightly than it ever had. But, for the first time, I wasn’t so afraid to look at it, to examine it more closely. Huh. That was weird, it didn’t look as scary as it used to.

    “Could I survive walking through it?” I wondered. I could almost hear it tell me, “You’re already in pain. Walking through the fire can’t be any worse than this.”

    So I had two choices: continue being the woman who clung to her college glory, her outgrown, empty life, or be the one who walked through the fire.

    So I did it. I finally walked in.

    And it wasn’t easy. As expected, it was painful as all hell.

    I started saving every penny. I quit my nine-to-five job—the one that had financed my drinking and partying—to take a trip to South America, where I was forced to sit with my scary thoughts.

    I said no to all of my social obligations—all of the weddings, the happy hours, the club hopping, the after parties—and wondered if my friends hated me.

    I started cooking at home, and my cooking was terrible.

    I dusted off my laptop and worked from home, doing data entry projects and transcription jobs, even though I desperately wanted to nap.

    I started a savings account when all I wanted to do was splurge at a restaurant and have a few beers.

    I went to bed early, even though I dreaded nighttime. I meditated. I cried. I scrubbed my house, from top to bottom, for hours at a time. I took long, soul-searching walks. I wrote in a journal with furious intensity. I had heart-to-hearts with my sister that ended with both of us in even more tears.

    Yeah, it was painful. The fire was changing and transforming me, just like I knew it would.

    But then, the pain started to subside.

    Glennon Doyle, my favorite writer, talks about walking through fires like this one. In the Big Magic podcast, she says that she actually runs toward fires, because they will (1) either warm you to your very core or (2) burn you up, creating a new, better person that walks out the other side.

    My fire did both.

    After the pain, I started to feel, well…warm. Like when I ate my first successful meal—my homemade meat sauce—and sat in a clean room for the first time in forever. When I hugged my journal after I wrote “I love me” in it. When I meditated with a world-renowned, enlightened guru. When I sat in front of beautiful fountains, lost in thought, in a Chilean park. When I snuggled up in my PJs, on a Saturday night, and watched the Disney Channel.

    At the same time, my fire burned me the hell up. It did. The old me, the one that I had preserved for years, was gone. I wasn’t the same people-pleaser anymore. I wasn’t the “partier” anymore. I wasn’t the tired, exhausted, sad girl anymore.

    In her place was a stronger woman—someone more spiritual, direct, and in tune with her feelings.

    I became a better friend, because setting boundaries had actually made me more loving, patient, and understanding with others.

    I became creative—a painter, a writer, and a planner.

    I became a goal-setter, and someone who could actually accomplish those goals.

    I became a person who will never run away from her fires again, because they’re life-changing and worth it, every time.

    So this is what I say to you.

    Run toward your fire. Don’t look back.

    Yes, the flames will hurt. But the most beautiful moments in life are not easy. They’re painful. They’re challenging.

    The pain of growth is better than numbness.

    You deserve to grow. You’re meant to grow.

    Let that fire warm you up, or change you, or both.

    The more fires you run toward, the warmer, stronger, and more loving you will become. You can do this.

    To walking into the fire! Onward!

  • It’s Okay to Be Who You Are – Forget Approval and Show Your True Colors

    It’s Okay to Be Who You Are – Forget Approval and Show Your True Colors

    “Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.” ~Unknown

    How often do you find yourself doing things just because you have to and not because you want to? I’m not talking about the hard work we do to improve at our jobs or the responsibilities we have to our families. I’m referring to those things we do just to please others, to project a certain image of ourselves to the world that isn’t in line with who we really are.

    A few years ago, I was searching within myself to find out who I really was.

    I’d been so obsessed with creating a mask that people would love that I could no longer recognize myself in the mirror.

    I am an ambivert, and I don’t express my feelings much. I tend to smile rather than squeal with joy. I fall silent rather than shout with anger.

    Because of these traits, people used to call me “poker face,” and I felt as if something was wrong with me. Determined to shed this label, I forced myself to be loud and attended all social events with my friends inspite of exhaustion. But deep inside all I wanted was a quiet appointment with myself.

    Assuming that being extroverted was the only way to make friends, I pushed myself too hard, which led to an emotional breakdown. As a result, I fell prey to self-destructive habits like skipping meals, binge eating junk food, staying up late at night, and waking up at odd hours, which landed me in the hospital.

    After that, I spent a lot of time reflecting on what had caused that situation and looked inside myself to know what I really wanted.

    Since then, I’ve listened to my inner voice more than I’ve listened to others. I’ve started to be myself without worrying about anyone else’s opinion. And I’ve stopped fulfilling people’s expectations of me and started feeling comfortable in my own skin.

    Some of the lessons I learned during the journey were…

    Face your fears.

    The two words that changed my perspective on life were “What if?” What if I spent my evenings curled up with a book? What if I excused myself from a social gathering when I felt exhausted? What if I chose not to express myself loudly?

    Think about what really scares you. Think about what restrains you from unleashing your true self.

    Is it the possibility of creating conflict between you and your friends? Is it the prospect of being different? Or do you fear your own inner critic?

    Exploring your answers to all these questions will start you on a beautiful journey of self-discovery and open up different sides to your character that you may not be aware of. Spelling out loud what you actually fear is work half done to make it go away, which leads me to the next two steps on how to tackle them.

    Calm your inner critic.

    I discovered that, more than anything else, I was scared of my inner critic.

    There is something inside all of us that alerts us when we go down the wrong path—our conscience. But I’m not talking about our conscience, but rather the voice that stops you from achieving your full potential. The voice that prevents you from doing something even though you know deep inside that it is the right thing. The voice that beats you up for the slightest error.

    This voice inside me grew louder when I did something against the grain, like excusing myself from a party to enjoy a quiet evening. It accused me of being an anti-social, self-centred person. It made me think my friends would drift away if I continued this behavior. I felt controlled by this voice of mine, which turned out to be my vice.

    Remember, this voice, which you’ve trained your mind to believe, is the result of the misconceptions about friends and life in general. So suppressing this voice is not the solution; the more you suppress it, the louder it grows.

    Rather, this voice needs to be answered with reason. When I started explaining to my inner critic that it’s not always possible to be there for everyone else and that caring for myself does not amount to being anti-social, I felt the voice becoming feeble.

    Repeat positive affirmations to yourself when the critic inside you grows stronger.

    Whenever your genuine self feels threatened by others’ opinions, you need to love yourself enough to stand up for it. It’s only by fostering self-respect that you gain the confidence to face the world without a mask. Self-respect acts as a shield that protects your true self from the confusions of the external world.

    Cast away the fear of being different.

    It’s okay to have different wants and desires as long as you don’t hurt anyone. Your perspective on life does not have to be the same as all your friends’ perspectives.

    Don’t pretend to share someone else’s view just to fit in. Understand that being different is not equivalent to being weird.

    Having a different say on the matter brings with it the possibility of conflict. But conflict is not something to fear and be avoided, as it provides a chance to understand the person in front of you better and it can lead to interesting conversations, if you stay civil and open-minded.

    I opened my eyes to the fact that nodding my head in approval at whatever my friend says does not bring me closer to her. When I started sharing my ambiverted views on socializing with my extroverted friend, we started arguing initially, but slowly we came to understand each other.

    I gained insight into how extroverts have a natural tendency to express feelings loudly, and that being around people makes them happy. My friend, on the other hand, understood my need for a weekend at home to energize myself for the week ahead. She recognized that I actually enjoy spending time by myself. It proved to be a learning experience for both of us.

    Only when you convey your opinion calmly, without needing to be right, can you forge a connection with someone. Accept the fact that you are unique just like everyone else.

    Pause before saying yes.

    Before you commit yourself to attending an event or helping someone else, pause and think about why you want to do it. It’s important to ask yourself first before saying yes to others.

    The prospect of saying no often brings with it the fear of coming across as a rude person and potentially losing your friends. This rarely turns out to be true because in healthy relationships, both people understand that they need to provide space for each other.

    When I decided to take a break from social obligations, I noticed that one or two of my friends distanced themselves from me, but nothing changed in my close relationships. They accepted and respected my decision.

    Pushing yourself too hard will eventually lead to resentment. You can only be happy, and share that happiness with others, if you prioritize creating satisfaction from within.

    Find your forte.

    Everyone has a spark inside that needs the right channelling to shine. Experimenting and discovering what you really love doing is a great way to connect with your inner self.

    When you do something that you love and have a natural flair for, you connect with yourself on a deeper level. You see the talents you possess. This gives you the confidence to be yourself without worrying about others’ approval.

    Now, when someone calls me “poker face” it never bothers me because I know I am not an insensitive person with no emotions. I just choose to express them differently than others—through my writing. Writing helps me explore and express my emotions far better than speaking about them.

    Make yourself feel good by taking some time for your favourite pastime. Engage yourself fully in that activity. Enjoy the feeling of getting lost in it.

    Practice your art regularly, not for exhibiting it to the world, but to mirror the artist within you.

    Strengthen your core values.

    Core values are the principles that define us, and we should never compromise them just to please other people. Strong core values help us make choices that are right for us. They show us the path to peace in the midst of chaos. But it can be tough to hold on to our values when faced with outside influences, such as the people around us and the media.

    When I was younger I believed that my work should do most of the talking, and I was confident in what I did. I used to believe that friendships happen, not by searching for them, but by putting myself in situations where I’d meet other people and having an open mind and heart.

    When I started college, the urge to impress people made me forget these basic principles of mine. The idea of fitting in with my peers turned me into someone whom I barely recognized.

    Eventually, I reinforced my basic beliefs by working hard to achieve my study goals and allowing myself to be authentic. I also listened to people with an open mind rather than dominating conversations. These small actions helped me reconnect with myself

    Celebrate your true self.

    Every person in the world has their own strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect, even if they seem that way. What meets the eye is just the tip of an iceberg. So never beat yourself up for mistakes, embarrassments, or for having negative thoughts. All of these contribute to the uniqueness of your character.

    The moment I started being myself, I noticed a lot of people just like me, lost and isolated in the big world. I actually made new friends who loved me as I am.

    The world wants to know your authentic self, with all your flaws, rather than a staged, perfected version. So never be afraid to show your true colors.

    —

    We must grow and improve to reach great heights, but reach out only for those goals that truly appeal to you. Life has insightful lessons to teach—learn them your way, at your own pace.

    Reveal your genuine self and expose the glorious treasures buried deep inside you to the world. Remove the shadows of self-doubt from your life and let your immaculate self soar high beyond boundaries.

  • How to Prevent Fear and Insecurity from Ruining Your Relationship

    How to Prevent Fear and Insecurity from Ruining Your Relationship

    “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~Jack Canfield

    Buried deep within the broken heart of every great loss is a nugget of wisdom. I experienced the greatest grief of my life just a few months ago, and with it came an opportunity to uncover ugly truths about myself I’d been hiding from.

    In facing my pain, I have discovered that underneath the conscious, big-hearted, beautiful person that I am lives a small girl who is terrified of being misunderstood and abandoned by those she loves most.

    The surface signs alerting me to these fears looked something like this:

    My boyfriend and I are lying in bed reading one night. His mind is lit up in fiction while my soul is on fire with a spiritual book. We have often shared these evenings with one another, smiling and supportive.

    This night I want more. I want him to be as excited about this chakra healing book as I am. I want him to crawl into my body and feel everything I’m feeling and see everything the way I’m seeing it.

    I think he can feel me wanting more, and it freaks him out. He energetically hides in the bushes, further away than I’ve ever felt him go, and I panic.

    The warning signs that go off in my body read: IF HE DOESN’T GET THIS HE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU ARE GOING TO END UP ALONE.

    I don’t actually hear those words, I just feel a need to push my feelings onto him and basically tell him he’s wrong for not feeling the way I do. He looks at me with big, helpless eyes and responds:

    “I think it’s okay that we’re different.”

    I stare blankly back at him while an inner struggle ensues. I can feel my ego fighting. It wants to win. It wants him to see things my way. It wants to be right. It wants him to be just like me.

    But I know better.

    I move from my head to my heart, and I know it’s okay that we are different. What is important is that we love each other, respect each other, and support each other. So I melt into his arms with a smile, an apology, and a “You’re right.”

    But I don’t let him be right. That night I do, but every incident after that I don’t. And he never says it again. He never reminds me that it’s okay that we’re different.

    So the other times, later on, when he doesn’t see things the same way as me, the warning signals go off, and no one reminds me that it’s okay. So I panic, and I spin the fear into all kinds of stories that justify me bullying him into being like me. All because I’m afraid he is going to leave me.

    And he did leave me.

    There are many ways I could tell the Leaving Me story, but the truth is that it’s as complicated as human beings are. One part of it, the part I take responsibility for and the part I’m focusing on here, is that I fought his perspectives that were different from my own, leading him to feel like he couldn’t be himself with me.

    I did this because I was afraid to lose him. I was afraid that if we were different in some big ways maybe we wouldn’t make it. I felt safe when we were agreeable and felt unsafe when his thoughts differed from mine.

    But I was safe. I am always safe. A part of me knows this, but the part of me that comes to life when the fear arises is the part of me that needs a reminder. I didn’t know I needed to be reminded at the time. I didn’t even know I was doing it at the time.

    But now I know. I just needed those simple words, “It’s okay.”

    It’s okay that we’re different.

    He is someone who doesn’t know how to fight for himself. It’s not something I understood about him at the time, but I see it now.

    I am strong in my conviction. I am forthright. I speak my feelings decisively and with ease. He sweats and stutters, but mostly he shuts down.

    I suspect he shuts down because he is afraid. He is afraid of losing himself, but really he is afraid that I won’t love him for who he truly is. He doesn’t trust that he can speak up, that he can challenge me, that he can tell me it’s okay and that I’ll believe him.

    The tragedy is that I don’t know it. Neither of us knows it, really. We’re blind to our shadows, only seeing our own reflections after we’re over.

    I don’t know he is shutting down because he’s scared, and I don’t know I am trying to make him see things my way because I’m afraid. It’s all this delicate dance that happens backstage, until one day he tells me he doesn’t feel like he can be himself with me, and everything comes crumbling down.

    You might be thinking that we were too different, and maybe the truth is that I should be with someone who can share my excitement about chakras. I don’t know.

    I do know I loved him more deeply than I’ve ever loved.

    I know that our relationship was the healthiest, most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced.

    I know that I messed up by not letting him be him completely, and I know that he messed up by not sharing his true feelings with me.

    That is a lesson, yes. But there is a deeper lesson, and it’s a lesson about fear.

    I acted controlling because his differences triggered my fear of abandonment, a nerve that runs all the way through my heart and back into my childhood. The irony isn’t wasted on me that my reaction to my fear inevitably created the very thing I was attempting to avoid. And that is the lesson.

    When we act from fear we begin our journey to the guillotine.

    Fear hides behind many guises, ruining plenty of love lives.

    We’re afraid we’re unworthy of love, so we push our partner away when things get too intimate. We’re afraid to be abandoned, so we try to control the relationship or smother our partner. We’re afraid we won’t be accepted as we are, so we don’t show our true selves. 

    We act from fear when we’re too busy to pay attention, when we’re too stressed to slow down, when we make assumptions instead of asking questions. The very thing we are afraid of often becomes our reality when we live from our fears. It’s an act of self-sabotage.

    Relationships are a beautiful opportunity to see ourselves more clearly, but we each have to be looking. You have to be willing to see you, and your partner must be willing to see them. And this all needs to move very slowly, very delicately, and very lovingly. It’s the way we make it through.

    Fear has a million different faces, but your soul always knows the way. When you feel your body tense, when your voice rises, when you begin to shut down, when you begin to explode, when you run away, when you shake with anxiety, your body is telling you.

    Slow down in those moments. Breathe. Let your breath open you up into the vulnerable space of love, and let it cocoon you until you can step out from that place.

    Tell your partner all about it. Tell them about your fears, your discovery of your fears, and how they can help you through it. But don’t put it all on them. This is your work, and this is a practice, one that you have to keep coming back to over and over again.

    You might need some gentle nudges along the way. It’s okay to be different. But if you keep showing up, and if you continue to be willing to see the truth about yourself you will break through the boundary of fear and into the heart of love.

  • A Head Full of Fears

    A Head Full of Fears

    A head full of fears

  • Changing Directions: 6 Tips to Help You Do What’s Right for You

    Changing Directions: 6 Tips to Help You Do What’s Right for You

    Man at a Crossroads

    “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” ~Lao Tzu

    One month before my girlfriend, Sara, gave birth to our first child, we decided to move back to my small hometown to be close to my family.

    This was a great moment for my family, especially for my mom and dad, who had given up hope of me moving back a decade ago.

    I sold my apartment and we signed a rental lease in my hometown. Everything was set and good to go. Sara and I were happy, and we had a plan to follow once the baby was born.

    However, the joy lasted no longer than a long Norwegian summer month.

    When our daughter, Luna, entered the world on the first of June, Sara and I had big doubts about our move.

    Sara didn’t have a job in my hometown, and there aren’t many jobs available. She’d probably have to commute to a larger city, Stavanger. That would result in her spending three-plus hours commuting, losing time with our newborn daughter and me.

    We were aware of this situation before. However, after Sara gave birth, she realized that she didn’t want to spend more time away from Luna and me than absolutely necessary.

    Also, we couldn’t get a bank loan since Sara didn’t have a job and I’d just started my business. And the monthly cost of renting is a lot more expensive than owning an apartment.

    Lastly, we did not have the same network of people in my hometown as we do in nearby Oslo (the capital of Norway).

    Even though we both had a gut feeling that it was wrong, it was still a hard choice to make.

    First of all, we had nowhere to live. I’d already sold my apartment and I didn’t want to cancel the deal, since it would cost me about $10,200 in expenses.

    It was even more expensive to rent in nearby Oslo than in my hometown, which would make it an even worse deal.

    And I didn’t actually want to rent, since I’d previously owned an apartment. I thought it would feel like taking several steps back.

    I talked to the real estate agent who sold my apartment, and he said that the prices on property would continue to rise, regardless of the media saying that the prices would soon have to reach their peak. So buying an apartment would be the best move for us.

    Since I’m normally a calculated guy who is good when it comes to planning and making strategic decisions, I was embarrassed that we were having a change of heart.

    My mind was probably clouded by knowing that I was going to become a father for the first time.

    I didn’t want to hurt my dear family’s feelings, but we had to follow our gut instinct.

    After several evenings of the same discussion and a feeling of uneasiness that made it hard for us to sleep, relax, be happy, and enjoy our time with our newborn daughter, it was time to do what was right, regardless of how difficult it was.

    I’ve been through a lot of challenges and changes in my life; however, this is by far most challenging choice I’ve had to make.

    Why? Because it involved hurting the feelings of the people who I love the most—my dear family.

    Still, we made the decision that we knew was right for us, and it was time for some massive action.

    We cancelled the rental lease in my hometown, searched online for apartments (both for rent and for sale), and chose three for sale that we would take a closer look at the next day.

    After seeing those apartments, I told my family that we weren’t moving, due to our lack of secure income, and explained our situation. They were, of course, sad but they understood the situation.

    Fortunately, we won the bidding war and were able to buy the apartment we liked the best. When I told my family the good news, they were happy for us, despite their disappointment (which is one of the reasons why they mean so much to me).

    We did all this in a period of three days. None of this would have happened if Sara and I didn’t have a strategy and take massive action.

    Throughout this process, I learned six lessons about changing directions.

    1. Accept the change.

    Your life situation can change in a split second, and you have to adapt.

    It’s not always easy to change your mind in life, but even if it’s hard, it’s worth the effort in the short-term to avoid feeling unhappy and regretful in the long-term.

    Sara and I would have been unhappy if we moved, since every single fiber in our body told us that it was the wrong decision.

    2. Don’t procrastinate.

    Procrastinating on big decisions only makes it worse, and they will weigh you down and can make you become depressed.

    3. Face the fear.

    It’s natural to feel afraid of making a hard decision when you fear upsetting other people. However, the most important thing is that you are happy. The people who love you likely understand this and realize that you need to do what’s best for you.

    4. Explain the situation.

    You might fear that people will judge you for your decisions. I was afraid of this too, but they understood when I explained why we needed to make this choice. In addition, the explanation took a bit of the sting out of the bad news.

    5. Follow your gut feeling.

    Tune into your intuition. It will tell you what the right decision is.

    You might feel physically sick when you think about the choice that isn’t actually right for you. You might find yourself asking people for advice and hoping they’ll give you a specific answer, which means that it’s likely the answer your intuition is telling you is right.

    6. Decide to act—and then do it.

    The same recipe for achieving your goals also applies to making a change.

    • You have to identify what you want to change in your life.
    • You have to find out the price of the change. What do you have to sacrifice?
    • You have to have a strong why. Why should you be willing to go outside your comfort zone and complete challenging activities in order to create change?
    • Then you have to decide. Are you willing to pay the price in order to successfully implement the change in your life?
    • If you decide that you will make the change, you have to commit to completing all the necessary tasks whether you feel like it or not.

    Remember that you can’t make everyone happy. The most important thing is to think about your own needs. Only by taking care of your needs can you be there for other people.

    Now you have the recipe for how to handle big changes.

    Go out there, follow your gut, and face your fears!

    At the end of the day you are the one who have to live with the consequences of your choices. You will thank yourself in the long run when the storm has settled.

    Man at crossroad image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    We Can Find Reasons to Be Happy and Grateful Every Day

    Couple Playing in the Snow

    “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” ~Charlie Chaplin

    Many people have told me throughout my life that I sound just like my mother when I laugh. I lost her to cancer when I was sixteen, over twenty years ago. I learned from her to laugh and laugh often, even through the toughest of times. “Happiness is a choice,” she always said.

    Life has thrown a few curveballs my way over the past five years and tried to test my ability to choose happiness and laughter. My husband, Eric, and I had just started talking about having children when the first wild pitch came our way.

    Early in 2010, Eric was diagnosed with cancer. I remember how I refused to cry in front of him or in front of anyone really. I remember how overwhelmingly sad, scared, and angry I felt. I also remember the first time we laughed after we found out.

    We were sitting on our couch watching TV, and something very funny came on and we both laughed. I can’t remember what it was. I just remember looking at him and feeling a bit surprised.

    I realized that it was going to be really important for us to keep laughing, and we did, often at times when most people would think we were nuts.

    We laughed at the crazy sound Eric made when he got sick (to put it politely) after chemotherapy. We laughed when I blew into his ostomy bag to make sure it was attached correctly (a very risky maneuver considering what could have come out of there.)

    We laughed hysterically when a nurse very inappropriately commented that our sex life would probably be a lot better once he had the surgery to get rid of the ostomy.

    Fast-forward a few years. Eric was healthy and we were ready to move forward in starting a family. We knew there could be some complications, but they turned out to be worse than we thought. Cancer treatments had made Eric sterile and it turns out that I had some issues too.

    We decided to try IVF with samples Eric had frozen prior to treatment and failed multiple times. Again, we ended up laughing when most people would think we were crazy.

    We laughed when my first embryo transfer turned into a show for about six interns (thank you teaching hospital).

    We laughed when we got a box full of hormones and needles that would make some people faint.

    We laughed ourselves to tears when an employee at CVS very inappropriately asked me if I was pregnant yet because she’d seen me buy so many tests.

    We decided after two rounds of IVF and one frozen embryo transfer that we were not going to do any more fertility treatments. We had discussed adoption before, and we both agreed that we wanted to become parents this way.

    We took a good bit of time to research and discuss our options and eventually agreed that open adoption was the path for us.

    Fast-forward about a year to today and to the event that inspired me to write this post. We are in “the wait” to be chosen by an expectant mother to become parents through open adoption.

    This is something that could take months or years. Every day we are hoping that this woman, who we already love, will find us through our agency and want to place her child, who we already love, with us.

    We bought a separate phone for our toll free number to make sure we never miss a call. Today, I heard it ringing in my office and a million thoughts ran through my head instantly. Could this be her, already, we’ve only been live for a month, how should I answer, will I sound stupid…

    I ran like the wind to my office and as I was picking it up to answer, my husband jumped out from under my desk and yelled, “It was me!”

    I could have been irritated that he scared me half to death. I could have been angry that he got my hopes up that we were getting “the call.” Instead, I chose happiness and we laughed—a lot!

    Laughter has kept us sane and grounded through very trying times. I’m so thankful that my mother taught me to choose happiness and that I married my best friend who makes this choice with me every day.

    Yes, there have been sad, scary and angry moments, but we have always been able to find our way to happy and hopeful, which will make “the wait” much easier.

    We are so thankful that my husband is healthy.

    We are so thankful that we have the ability and opportunity to become parents through this amazing and loving way to create a family.

    We are so thankful that we choose to be happy. We can’t wait to share our lives, love, and laughter with our child and to teach him or her to choose happiness.

    Just as my mother encouraged me, I will now encourage all who are reading this to find at least one moment during the day to really focus on what you are thankful for.

    Taking these moments to be grateful—especially on the days when being happy may seem impossible—can be just what you need to get through them.

    Through all of life’s up and downs, at the end of the day, it is simply amazing that we are here, and we need to appreciate and enjoy it!

    Couple playing in the snow image via Shutterstock

  • Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Man with palm tree

    “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

    It was an ordinary school morning in a busy European city. I seem to recall it was spring, as my memories store the feeling of awakening after a long winter.

    I was seventeen and getting ready to go to school. Following my standard morning routine, which included eating my meticulously assembled breakfast, I walked to the tram station.

    The city I lived in at the time was situated in a beautiful valley, and the tram ride offered a trip to the hub of the city. My high school was downtown in the historical part of the town.

    I loved walking to the tram and even more, I enjoyed walking from my final tram station to school.

    There was something different about walking in the middle of old buildings that always gave me the feel of spaciousness, grace, and often mystery. It was such a striking contrast from the modern and mundane apartment buildings in the newly built subdivision where I lived!

    The city transport experienced some chaos that morning, as the typical short wait time between trams turned into almost a half hour.

    My tram station was really crowded, and I felt lucky I got in. As I stood in the tram that spring morning, looking outside the windows and barely noticing the grey high-rise buildings, little did I realize what this morning would bring for me.

    It seemed like an unusually busy day, and because of the delay, every tram stop had a huge crowd waiting at the platform.

    After five or six stops, the tram was packed like a can of sardines. I watched people at the stops nervously looking toward us, “the lucky ones inside,” as they likely contemplated how late they would be for school or work today.

    I really wished this ride would be over soon.

    The tram started moving toward the downtown area. It is quite a steep hill downward into the valley. This stretch of the ride was the most fascinating for me, as the green area framing my view just zoomed by like a wide line painted by a massive paintbrush.

    I felt lucky to be by the window and having breathing space in front of me instead being squeezed in the middle of the crowd.

    The green space, however, moved incredibly fast this morning, as if it was just flying by. Then I registered a sudden jolt.

    After that, it was very quiet. In the midst of this silence, all of sudden I heard a voice asking for help. It sounded quite frightened as it repeatedly asked, “Please help.” Who is saying this? I wondered.

    If you ever experienced no connection to the concept of time, this was it. After I heard the same voice a few more times, I came to a surprising realization. It was mine.

    This voice was coming from my body, yet I felt I was a completely peaceful self, compassionately watching someone who was frightened.

    Later on I realized the tram derailed and flipped sideways. I was saved and physically unharmed because I was on the “lucky” side of the tram.

    I continued the journey called life, but something unlocked inside me. In fact, I was “haunted” for years by the experience of my “peaceful self,” which had listened to my scared physical self.

    Needless to say, I continued to live my life for a few decades very often identified with my scared physical self but always wondering about my peaceful self.

    Who am I really? Who was the part of me that heard my voice?

    Fast forward many years, I encountered the presence of my peaceful self once again. Luckily, this time it wasn’t in an accident.

    After years of hard work establishing myself as an immigrant, learning a new language, and creating financial stability, I decided to end my job and step into unknown and uncertainty. I didn’t know how I was going to earn money; I just knew what I did before wasn’t part of my life’s purpose.

    My body shriveled with fear. My mind was racing with thoughts about my bleak future and losing everything I had ever worked for. Not only that, but this could have meant I wouldn’t be able to help family members that I had previously helped out financially.

    I remember it was a bright sunny day and I was in the office with my boss. The glass windows in the corner of the building surrounded us and lit up the space.

    I felt I was bathing in light. I was literally not able to speak. My mind kept saying: You can’t do this! And then it happened again. I heard a shaky voice saying: I decided to quit.

    Have you ever felt your chest opening up? In this moment, I felt as if a cave opened inside my heart. A wave of calm spread through my body. My peaceful self was there, watching and observing my scared self. I cried tears of relief.

    These days, I don’t even question my peaceful self. I just trust it’s with me everywhere, holding its arm around my shoulders and whispering: Trust. You are going to be okay

    And as I embarked on a life time journey of meditation reconnecting with that peaceful part of myself, I repeatedly remind myself that I am simply able to watch my frightened physical self.

    And so can you.

    Whenever you feel stuck in life and full of fear or desperation, remember that the big, real part of you is simply the peaceful observer that can watch the physical self. It can watch the fear, sadness, or anything that arises inside you. And it will watch it with love and compassion.

    We often experience pain when we associate with our thoughts and believe that we are our mind and our emotions.

    Do you have a thought that frightens or worries you right now? Simply say to yourself that you are noticing that thought. Say it at least five times until it feels more and more distant. Now you are coming much closer to being your peaceful self.

    My reconnection with my peaceful self brought so much more freedom to my life, and I believe it will bring freedom to your life too. Visualize it holding its arm around your shoulders and telling you: Trust. You are going to be okay.

    Man with palm tree image via Shutterstock

  • Overcome Limiting Thoughts: 5 Ways to Be Happier and More Present

    Overcome Limiting Thoughts: 5 Ways to Be Happier and More Present

    Happy and Present

    “The past exists only in our memories, the future only in our plans. The present is our only reality.” ~Robert Pirsig

    Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by unpleasant thoughts and feelings? Do they show up like an uninvited guest when you’re least expecting them?

    About eight months ago, I quit a lucrative corporate job in finance to follow my passion, writing.

    Like most things in life, this decision came with a cost.

    And all the angst that comes with it.

    A few months into my venture, I noticed my angst had become a large part of my mental world. I worried I’d run out of money, that my dream of being a well-paid writer wouldn’t materialize.

    I’d admonish myself for leaving a perfectly secure job to chase a pipe dream. “What were you thinking?” I’d say to myself, “I mean, how stupid could you be?

    Eventually, I noticed something interesting.

    All the obstacles to my happiness were about imagined future scenarios (i.e.: I will never earn a living again), or doubts about past choices (i.e.: Did I make the right choice by leaving a lucrative corporate job behind?).

    None of them were rooted in the present moment.

    In fact, they stole my present moments like thieves in the night.

    Eventually, I realized that if I didn’t deal with these feelings, I’d snap. I had to find a way to deal with these obstacles to my happiness that kept me from taking positive action in the present.

    So I did what anyone would do: I turned to Google.

    I researched various approaches of dealing with my feelings that held me back from acting in the present.

    I discovered meditation and daily mindfulness practice as a powerful solution, and subscribed to various mindfulness blogs.

    A few months down the track, I came across this post by Lori Deschene.

    Lori’s words around letting go of emotions (dealing with the mental demons once and for all) struck a chord with me:

    “Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion, you have to feel it fully.”

    The truth is, you can only let go of feelings after immersing yourself in them.

    Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

    But that’s the one thing that always works.

    The following are five great ways to overcome the obstacles to happiness and feelings that keep you from living fully in the present.

    1. Fully embrace your feelings with openness, even the negative ones.

    That’s right.

    Embrace your feelings fully in each present moment and let them pass when they’ve run their course.

    So, if you’re feeling fear, feel it fully in the now. Without reacting to it.

    Watch the fear as it manifests in your body. Fear manifests as butterflies in my stomach and tingling in my forearms.

    How does it manifest in yours?

    Remember, the only way to truly let go of feelings is to allow them to run their natural course with conscious awareness.

    2. Use journaling to create mental spaciousness and increase your ability to let go.

    This is quite effective in slowing the mind down.

    Most writers would agree that seeing your thoughts appear on a page before you is therapeutic.

    Writing also increases your ability to detach from the immediacy of painful thoughts and feelings.

    Journaling is a great way to bring awareness to your destructive thought patterns, so you can change them.

    At the end of each day, write down what you learned from the day. What upset you and what made you feel fantastic? If something upset you, how much of that was based on your interpretation of the situation, which arose from your assumptions about it?

    How often do you journal?

    3. Use your breath to bring your attention back to the present moment.

    Mark Twain famously said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

    So many of our fears (future projections) never actually come to pass.

    And anyway, the past and the future live only in our imagination—in this present moment.

    When your mind is fully in the present, you can’t engage in fearful thoughts about the future or regretful thoughts about the past.

    So, focus on your breath in this present moment.

    The benefits of doing this are as follows:

    • It brings your attention back to this moment.
    • It engages your mind in something non-conceptual.

    What’s your breathing like right now? Is it deep? Shallow?

    4. Recognize that your reaction to events dictates your life experience, not the event itself.

    In his book called Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer explains the importance of separating our reactions to thoughts from the thoughts themselves.

    Imagine this.

    Cal agonizes over the idea that his boss thinks he’s stupid. He loses sleep over it. It’s the bane of his existence.

    Now, let’s say Cal had no idea that his boss thought he was stupid.

    Then he wouldn’t be unhappy, right? How could Cal be unhappy about something he didn’t know?

    The point: Cal’s boss’ opinion isn’t making Cal unhappy. It’s Cal’s reaction to his boss’ opinion that’s making Cal unhappy.

    By taking ownership of his reaction of his own thoughts, Cal can take charge of his mental world.

    He can choose to react differently to his boss’ (low) opinion of him. Cal can choose to give his boss’ opinion less importance by recognizing that it’s one person’s opinion among many.

    Paradoxically, this would actually enable Cal to see it as constructive criticism and better himself as a result.

    Think about the last time you were upset. What were you telling yourself about the event that upset you? Were you upset because of your reaction to the event or because of the event itself?

    5. Discover how your underlying assumptions are secretly affecting your life.

    Our underlying assumptions, of which we are often completely unaware, are responsible for a lot of self blame and distress.

    Let’s go back to my example at the start of this post.

    My feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry were all based on an implicit assumption that my writing career should have taken off within six months. My assumption just wasn’t valid. Getting traction as a writer often takes years.

    My underlying assumptions were wrongly implying that I had failed without me realizing it.

    Once I recognized the absurdity of the underlying assumption, the feelings of fear around never being able to launch a successful blog dissipated immediately.

    What are the underlying assumptions that have you judging yourself harshly?

    —

    Conquering your demons isn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile is.

    Sure, it’s often uncomfortable to embrace your feelings fully, or to be mindful of how your underlying assumptions are sabotaging your life. But each of us has the capacity to do it.

    The question isn’t, “Can I do it?” but rather, “Will I do it?”

    If you want to live a full life, resolve to set yourself on the path this very moment. Right now. Don’t put it off for another second.

    You have to realize that this life is yours to be lived to the fullest. And only you can determine your attitude toward letting go of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.

    So take a deep breath. Breathe in this moment. And give it your best.

    Right now!

    Happy yoga woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Be Who You Really Are, Beyond Your Ego and Fears

    How to Be Who You Really Are, Beyond Your Ego and Fears

    Shadow

    “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.”~ Eckhart Tolle

    For much of my life, I was ashamed of how my classmates perceived me in my youth.

    My chagrin and regret began in the spring of my senior year in high school when I opened our yearbook for the first time.

    The seniors got center stage in the yearbook, as usual, with a big picture of each of us along with a four-year list of our activities and awards. I was proud of my list of five sports, especially my letters in wrestling and football and my participation in the choir and the boy’s quartet.

    Next to each senior’s picture there was also a short, affectionate phrase describing the essence of the person.

    Judy Johnson: Dainty and neat from head to feet.

    Clayton Thomas: To be liked by all in this age and day is the highest compliment we can pay.

    Anna Mae Westphal: Who could ask for anything more?

    Ah, my best friend, Don Denkinger: Never a dull moment.

    I turn to Gary Stokes, and there I am in my gray flannel suit, shirt, and tie. I am not smiling in my picture, but gazing off stoically into what?—my future, perhaps. My descriptive phrase: Reserved pessimist.

    It was the only negative description in the senior pictures. Of course I checked to make sure. One negative description embedded with 124 positive descriptions.

    I Wonder Who I Am

    I was angry with the yearbook editor, a long-time classmate and neighbor. Maybe she had not written my description, but she approved of it. So did the faculty sponsor.

    I was embarrassed but never complained to them. Instead, I held a grudge against them and sustained it well into adulthood.

    I mulled over those two words for years.

    Reserved. Pessimist.

    Maybe this was the first of the many challenges to my ego that I would encounter over the next few decades, challenges that would help me learn, develop, and become my true self—a magical being.

    But at eighteen, I couldn’t figure it out.

    Was I reserved? I didn’t see it. I had friends. I liked most people. I had a beautiful, brilliant girlfriend who would very soon be my wife when we ran away and got married six months after high school graduation. My read on myself was that I was an ordinary, friendly guy.

    Was I a pessimist? This appellation was even harder to figure out. I didn’t worry about the future. I didn’t think things would turn out badly.

    I examined myself, but I couldn’t see any reserve or any pessimism.

    I finally concluded that someone on the yearbook staff didn’t like me and wanted to give me a jab. Ouch. It worked.

    So, did I discover as an adult that I am by nature reserved—difficult to know in some way—and that I am by nature pessimistic, throwing cold water on hopes about how people or things will turn out?

    The Yearbook Signaled the Need for Some Introspection

    I would eventually have to face some pretty negative things about myself.

    In several marriages I would discover that I had built up some armor around my lack of self-esteem.

    I was the most well defended person she had ever met, one of my wives told me.

    I wasn’t able to admit my fears, so I hid behind a mask of supreme confidence. Some, no doubt, experienced me as reserved, difficult to know.

    To boost my own ego, I was often critical of others. I became expert at dissecting the personalities and faults of those around me. In spite of the fact that I was a successful national leader in my field, I needed to assert my superiority continuously.

    Those closest to me may have heard my criticisms as expressing a fundamental pessimism about the lives of my fellow human beings. At times they objected to my criticisms. I countered that I was merely describing others accurately.

    In other words, I was a real human being and also a false human being—a complicated mix of ego and authenticity made up of love, passion, vision, competitiveness, cockiness, self-pity, and victimhood.

    If there had been a mid-life yearbook, the summary next to my picture might have been “He may be a warrior, but he still makes mistakes.”

    I Learn That I Am, and We All Are, Magical Beings

    Over time, I was able to see the magical being behind my fears and ego disguises and able to see the magical being that everyone else is as well. How are we magical beings?

    • Each of us is a perceptual dynamo, our bodies a master work of sensitivity, able to examine our lives, learn, change, and emerge into our full powers.
    • We are the most conscious beings in the universe, as far as we know, the only creatures able to explore the cosmos, peer back into its origins, and begin to explain how it works.
    • We are the only creatures who can laugh at ourselves, create comedies for each other, and find delight in almost anything.
    • We are able to love, each of us able to nurture other human beings, able to intuit and imagine the needs of others and to create the support and understanding they need for emergence.

    Ah, I am a magical being and so are you.

    How to Become a Magical Being

    My journey from reserved pessimist to magical being has been full of detours, bad maps, accidents, and late arrivals.

    But it has also been a journey of discovery, wonderful surprises, breakthroughs, and heavenly destinations.

    Looking back on my discovery that we are all magical beings, I see these key milestones in my learning. If you’re also feeling disconnected from who you really are, these steps may help.

    1. Identify and confront the fears behind your front.

    My long-term fear: I was afraid that I couldn’t be loved, that somehow I wasn’t likable enough and attractive enough. Didn’t my yearbook spot this problem early? Didn’t my recent divorce provide more evidence?

    I devoted every day to stalking my fears. Instead of avoiding them, as I had always done, I sought out opportunities to confront them, test myself, and learn. It was an exciting time, as I opened myself to intimate relationships in a new way. I gave love without worrying about it being returned and I saw that there was nothing to fear.

    One joyous day I realized that I was no longer afraid of anything. That day my love of life flowed without reserve.

    You can overcome your fears. They are phantoms and will evaporate with your scrutiny. Muster your courage, identify them, go looking for them every day, and confront them. You will discover that your fears were simply bad explanations for what is going on.

    2. Acknowledge self-pity and victimhood.

    I was still vulnerable to having my self-importance pricked by others. Hiding below my ego’s need to be respected, I saw my self-pity.

    My victim stories always followed a pattern—criticizing the person who had challenged me in some way.

    With the help of a loved one, I stalked my self-pity like a warrior hunter until I exposed my ego for what it was—a false self. And then I laughed, full of optimism about life without pretense.

    Notice how the ego gets angry, irritated, and resentful, always creating the bad explanation that someone or something outside yourself is creating your life. Dump the ego and fly free. You’re a magical being capable of creating the emotions you want to feel.

    3. Learn how to sustain poise, no matter what challenges face you.

    I discovered that my full powers are available only when I am present, connected, grateful, creative, and light hearted. Poise is the state of consciousness I choose every moment.

    Poised, I live a vibrant life of joy and practical advantage.

    In your magical state, you can transform every challenge into opportunity, adventure, and valuable learning. Welcome the challenges, embrace them, and say yes to them. Remember, magical beings are creative dynamos.

    The Reserved Pessimist Wasn’t Real

    Had my high school yearbook writers been more prescient about me than they were, they might have said: “He doesn’t know it yet, but he is a magical being.”

    We all are.

    Photo by rohit gowaikar

  • Do You Feel Stuck, Overwhelmed, and Dissatisfied?

    Do You Feel Stuck, Overwhelmed, and Dissatisfied?

    “Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.” ~Andy Rooney

    I was born and raised in Louisiana, where food, booze, and fun are the three most important things in most every social situation.

    I had my license at fourteen, my first drink at fifteen, and I knew the owner of the local drive-through daiquiri bar by name. (Miss Billy, in case you were wondering.) It wasn’t out of the ordinary. We all drank a lot on the weekends…who doesn’t?!

    In college, when my parents were going through a divorce, I discovered boxed wine and how to make grilled cheeses on my roommate’s mini George Forman grill. So, like many college kids, I would come home drunk at three in the morning and eat five grilled cheeses.

    Then came the job on Wall Street, where food and alcohol were just part of the territory. Meet clients for drinks. Bond over a fancy dinner. Drink more at the bar after dinner. Eat. Drink. Repeat. Take a load off. Decompress. You get the idea. Life is intense. Period. No question about it.

    Life can be overwhelming and scary, and it can feel like too much to deal with on some days. At times, it can feel easier and quicker to pour another glass of wine, or go shopping, or keep ourselves “busy,” or work nonstop, or eat a pint of ice cream than face the intensity of life. 

    We keep going because we don’t know what will happen if we stop. It can be petrifying to think about how out of sync our lives are sometimes. What would happen if we stopped for a second? Would the lives we have created just crumble around us?

    It was a lot easier for me not to feel how out of alignment I was when I was working on Wall Street because everything looked good on paper, and I really liked certain aspects of my job and life.

    It was also a lot easier for me not to feel that the business I built last year wasn’t exactly what I wanted. It can be easier to ignore the failing relationship, the friends that don’t make you feel good, the job that’s sucking your soul, and so on.

    You might not know what it is, but there’s something that doesn’t feel right. And most of us stay stuck in the dissatisfaction of where we are because we don’t know what to do with those feelings.

    We get caught worrying about figuring it all out and having all the answers. When we don’t know how to change things, we convince ourselves that there’s no way, so we ignore the whispers. And in order to deal with the fact that we’ve ignored the whispers and that our lives sometimes feel okay but aren’t totally great, we pick up something to help us feel better.

    We process the feelings by not actually processing them at all because we never learned how to feel our feelings. Many of us turn to a “safe” solution like wine or food. I never did drugs; that wasn’t my thing. I never had a gambling problem or a shoe addiction. But I did love wine and food. They became a comfort. They became a ritual.

    So this is my story: I was raised Catholic in a Lebanese family in the South. I’m a success-driven, high-achieving woman.

    We drink and we eat; that’s just what we do. And there is nothing wrong with any of that…until there is.

    There’s nothing wrong with drinking wine, eating chocolate, shopping online late at night, or pouring your heart into work you love. What I’m saying is that these things can be dangerous if you use them to cover what you don’t want to feel, or to fill a void in your soul.

    Many of us know there’s something more. We’re ready to feel aligned, purposeful, and driven, but we don’t know how to do that.

    We don’t know what the “something more” is, but we can hear it calling to us.

    I had to quit filling the void with food and wine last year in order to finally find my “something more.” I had to really look at the range of emotions I was feeling, write about them, and allow them to be present, without making them bad or wrong.

    I had to notice my fears and not run from them. I had to learn the difference between thoughts that were helpful and those that were just old programming that I needed to release. I had to learn to notice my thoughts as visitors, not as invited guests. I had to learn that I had a choice in every moment.

    I touched a deep, dark, raw, and beautiful place within myself. I have come out on the other side of this journey more aligned, more purposeful, more driven, and more alive than ever before. This is my one life, and I am now choosing to live it with intention.

    I have a purpose in this lifetime and I need to be an open channel to do the work that I feel inspired to do.

    You can create a sense of purpose too, but you have to be willing to let go of the old and embrace the new.

    Are you willing to say yes to your path even if the road is dusty and dark?

    You won’t always know the answers. You won’t always know “how.” But if you are willing to say yes to the whispers, the road will rise to meet you and your direction will unfold. You must first say yes.

    My life without using wine or food to cover feelings is richer and more abundant and fulfilling than I ever imagined possible. I am free. I am aligned. I am driven. I am in love. I am happy. I am soulful. I am light. I am radiant.

    More than anything, I am here to show you how to access the same connection to your true self so you can show up and do the work that inspires you.

    Try these five steps to get you started.

    1. Ask yourself, “Do my heart and soul feel completely full?”

    If the answer is no, are you willing to say yes to finding your “something more” and to walking your path?

    2. Once you’ve said yes, become aware of how you numb and check out (wine, food, work, etc.).

    You don’t have to get rid of these things, but can you notice when you reach for them?

    3. Recognize your fears without stuffing them down or making them wrong.

    It’s helpful for me to write down my fears without trying to solve them. Something like “I’m scared of…” and then just write for a few minutes.

    4. Remember that the feelings won’t kill you.

    You might feel awesome in the morning and horrible two hours later. Thoughts and feelings come and go. Remember that they don’t define you. The real you is the stillness underneath it all.

    5. Have faith.

    This is a journey. Your path will unfold. Trust that once you say yes, all you have to do is keep your eyes open for the clues. You will be guided if you keep showing up and saying yes.

  • How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    “Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.” ~Unknown

    I used to think that getting to a goal only required tangible action. It was a simple equation:

    • Study hard in high school = getting admission to a good university.
    • Or, diet + exercise = losing weight.

    Yet, life is not always that straightforward. It’s not always just about physical action.

    Just a few years ago, when I was building my first business, there was something getting in my way, something that had nothing to do with the physical action I took. It was worry.

    Building a business has the magical ability to bring any type of fear out in the open. Unexpectedly, I found myself thinking:

    • What if it doesn’t work?
    • What if my friends think I’m crazy?
    • What if it takes forever to get somewhere?
    • Why am I doing this?

    It wasn’t long before I realized that these types of thoughts were interfering with my progress. The more I focused on them, the less physical action I took for my business, and the more likely I was to feel burnt out.

    Most importantly, the more I worried, the more likely I was to take the wrong physical action, the action that would count more as “busywork” rather than “effective work.”

    I knew I had to find a solution out of this. Ugh. “If I were a robot, then I wouldn’t have any of these problems!” I thought.

    Think about it: If we were robots, then these simple physical action equations would actually work. We would wake up in the morning, do our thing, stick to our schedule, and lo and behold, our dreams would materialize. No struggle, no “I don’t feel like doing it,” no distractions, no “What if it doesn’t work?”

    If we were robots, then our productivity would be close to 100%, and we would achieve our dreams two times, four times, maybe even ten times faster! Plus, we would get there without struggle. Aahh, that sounds so nice.

    I realized that physical action was no longer enough. We also need to be in the right state of mind—let me say, the “robot” state of mind.

    If we only take physical action, then we’ll only be working harder for nothing. For example, if you want a promotion, you don’t to only work harder; you also need to communicate your accomplishments so that others know how valuable your contributions are.

    However, if you’re afraid to stand up for yourself, then you’ll be left feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

    So to get the promotion, yes, you need to work harder, but you also need to overcome your fear of standing up for yourself. If you only work harder, then despite your hard work, you’ll still not get the promotion.

    So the winning equation is: Work harder + develop ability to stand up for yourself = promotion.

    If you think like a robot, then you’ll stand up for yourself in full confidence. No problem! If you don’t think like a robot, then all sorts of second-guessing glitches may come up.

    But let me clarify: By robot, I’m not referring to deactivating our feelings. Au contraire! We need feelings to march forward. We need excitement and optimism. We even need worry sometimes. What we don’t need though is excessive worry.

    Worrying about an issue for five minutes and then doing something to solve it isn’t excessive worrying. When we worry about things we can’t control, ask “What if this and that?” and second-guess ourselves, we just get in our own way.

    But how do you worry less? How do you turn self-doubt? How do you think more like robot? The answer lies in this Master Technique.

    Here’s what happens when you don’t think like a robot:

    Say you want to get leaner and fitter. You go to a yoga class where everyone is doing better than you.

    You start thinking, “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    After an hour of berating yourself about not being fit already, you leave the class feeling exhausted, intending to never go back.

    Your mind is stopping you from getting to your fitter and leaner dreams.

    Now here’s how you’ll get yourself back to thinking like a robot, if only you use this Master Technique.

    Use “The BUT Technique” to Reach Your Goals Faster

    With “The But Technique,” you don’t let destructive thoughts stop you.

    How much time are you already spending judging yourself or worrying?

    Two hours every day? Maybe 50% of your workday and 80% of your free time?

    Once you start practicing this technique, you’ll instead spend this time on things that actually make you productive. Why?

    Because negativity, or just aimless worrying, will no longer stop you! You’ll be unleashed! A force of nature!

    How does “The BUT Technique” work?

    “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    But…

    • Today I worked out more than yesterday.
    • It’s unfair to compare my own first day to other people’s 1,000th day.
    • My body no longer feels rusty, and people in the class seemed supportive, not judgmental.
    • Other people used to be in exactly the same unfit situation as mine, but they found a way to get fitter. If they did it, I should be able to do it too.
    • The walk to the yoga studio was enjoyable, as today’s sunshine was precious.
    • I’ve been in other unfavorable situations in the past, and I managed to turn them around. I should be able to do that with fitness as well.
    • Maybe this class was advanced and I should try something easier at first, so that I get to focus more on getting the poses right, and less on how clumsy I look in the mirror.

    Please notice:

    • With every new “but,” you’ll feel better and better. You’ll feel relief. The more “buts” you include, the more positive mental action you’ll take and the happier you’ll be by the end of the exercise.
    • By taking positive mental action, you’ll stop discouraging yourself from pursuing your dreams. Instead, you’ll encourage yourself to keep going. You might even make yourself feel excited about the delightful life that is in front of you! Now that’s how you become 20, 50, or 100% happier!
    • Make practicing this Master Technique a habit, and you’ll become the happiest person you know. You’ll become unstoppable!

    Why This Technique is So Powerful

    The “But” Technique doesn’t fight with your negative, discouraging thoughts. Doing so would leave you feeling worse than before. Instead, it accepts them and then it moves you forward.

    So yes you are unfit…but…but…but…but…

    And then with every “but” you feel better, until you’re able to say, “Everything is alright” and actually believe it.
    And that’s exactly how you take mental action to achieve your dreams. The more you practice it, the more you can act like a robot—in a good way! 

    I’m now using this technique almost daily. Whenever I find myself worrying about anything, I immediately pull it out of my toolbox. Yes, I worry, but, but, but…

    So now it’s your turn to practice this technique! Take any negative worrisome thought and add but, but, but. Let me know how it works!

  • 10 Life-Changing Lessons I Wish I Learned Sooner

    10 Life-Changing Lessons I Wish I Learned Sooner

    “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” ~Albert Einstein

    I recently turned thirty-eight.

    Birthdays and new years always make me quite reflective and, for a long time, critical about my achievements—what I’ve done and what I have to show for it.

    This time, though, there was finally a wonderful difference.

    Over the past twelve months what’s mattered has been about the people I’ve met, the places I’ve seen, the experiences I’ve had, and the things I’ve discovered about myself—none of which have brought me anything physical to show for it.

    I’ve learned character building life lessons, the kind that have changed my life forever and, to be honest, I wish I’d learned sooner. Perhaps these will help you too.

    1. Being happy is not about what we achieve.

    I had to start with this one, as someone who has spent so much of her life achieving, striving to achieve, and competing to win. The first half of my life I strived to ride for my country and compete in the Olympics, then to achieve in business, then academically, and always in relationships.

    It doesn’t matter what I achieve. No job, promotion, money, relationship, house, highest mountain, or gold medal will ever change how I feel about myself.

    Achievement is the icing on the cake, so it’s important to learn to like the cake that’s the sum of who we are first, so we have something to ice.

    2. We are all doing our best.

    I used to hold myself to the highest scrutinizing criticism and moral compass.

    I was excellent at delivering self-punishment as judge, gaoler, and executioner for every small flaw, mistake, or underachievement.

    However, I would forgive other people for every fallibility, choice, and indiscretion. I expected so little accountability or responsibility from other people and so much from myself.

    I’ve learned to balance it out by being more lenient, forgiving, and loving toward myself and accepting that we’re all doing our best—and this rule applies to me too.

    3. We have to know and respect our deal breakers.

    Self-worth is an action, so I got clear about my relationship deal breakers. Sadly, I’ve let a lot of people throughout my life treat me with disrespect—lie, cheat, take liberties, bully, blame, shame, and even abuse. I didn’t stand for anything. I couldn’t say no.

    Without no, my yes had no value.

    Now my deal breakers are respect, honesty, and responsibility.

    When we know our deal breakers, we don’t accept mistreatment because we know we’re worth more.

    4. Other people’s actions aren’t about us.

    When I was in my twenties, my ex fiancé cheated on me. For a long time I believed it was my fault, that it must have been something I did or didn’t do—that I wasn’t good enough.

    I realize now that how any other adult chooses to behave is about them, not me. My ex felt there was a problem in the relationship, and in response, he chose to be the kind of person who lies and cheats.

    We’re only responsible for our own actions, feelings, and words, which means the buck stops here, but this also frees us from wasting energy and time cleaning up other people’s messes.

    5. We need to trust our intuition.

    I’ve made many mistakes in my life because I didn’t trust my intuition, nature’s gift of survival, which helps us thrive.

    I got involved with the wrong people, relationships, and jobs, ignoring that I knew they weren’t right for me from the start, and then paid the price by wasting time and energy trying to make them work.

    Intuition can be as loud as someone shouting in your ear, and other times, it’s subtler.

    When we slow down, take our time, allow it to get clearer, and listen, we save ourselves a whole lot of trouble.

    6. All the studying in the world will never be enough.

    I’ve spent years studying, seeking to understand people and the meaning of life, love, and the universe. I have letters after my name to prove it, and much of it was a waste of time.

    Most things are just stepping-stones to somewhere else, often on a cyclical path back to what you knew already.

    Knowledge is power, but experience in using it, applying it, seeing how it feels, and making mistakes trumps everything, because that’s wisdom.

    Good old-fashioned hands on living and having the courage to get involved and experience makes you wise. Then you have a beautiful lesson to share.

    7. Face the scary stuff.

    I wasted so much time hiding from the boogie monster, the scary truth inside of me. I just had to be brave and come face to face with how I felt and what I desired.

    I had to feel all that I had hidden, repressed, and buried instead of trying to unlock it all through my head with knowledge, or getting someone else to tell me what to do.

    Only then was I free; I could I stop caring if other people approved of me or not and just love myself and know what matters to me.

    We travel through life alone, and by becoming our own best friend we no longer have to fear being unloved.

    8. Accept that life and people are inconsistent.

    When I was little, like everyone, I was reliant on others and needed them to be consistent so I could feel safe in the world. Unfortunately, they weren’t, so I got stuck needing to please other people so they would take care of me, but I always felt let down and disappointed.

    I was like a drowning young woman at sea, battered around by the force of the waves with nothing to hold onto, because I had nothing of substance to rely on.

    Change is the only consistent thing there is. Accepting this empowers us to learn to depend on ourselves.

    9. We can be our own best friends.

    By facing the scary stuff, getting clear about my deal breakers, starting to trust my intuition, and forgiving myself, I began to like, love, and respect myself.

    I turned my curiosity toward finding out about myself and what I actually like, enjoy, and don’t want. I became my own best friend and I’ve got my back if there’s a problem.

    I came to know me, inside and out, and what matters to me, so I built a boat of substance and I’m no longer drowning. The world around me can be wild and changeable like the sea, but now I can ride out the waves without fear. The same can be true for you.

    10. We are enough.

    I never needed to strive to be anyone’s best friend, girlfriend, or wife by keeping a tidy house, cooking like a chef, and making wild passionate love every night, or by being a CEO, earning a fortune, or having a gold medal or a PhD.

    It sounds exhausting just writing it, but that was how I used to live my life.

    Yes, I sometimes do some cool, fun, interesting stuff; I am curious about the world and enjoying my life. But sometimes I can’t be bothered.

    I like to slob around in my PJs watching old movies. I get morning breath and matted hair, but can scrub up well and attend the ballet.

    I now know who I am, what makes me happy, and the value I can bring to any relationship or situation not because of what I do, but who I am.

    We’re unique, priceless, and irreplaceable, and the sum of every experience.

    Our greatest relationship is with ourselves, because it’s through that relationship that we learn how to truly love other people, including our children. And when we demonstrate how to love us, we can get the most joy out of our lives.

  • Are You Holding Yourself Back with a Story About the Past?

    Are You Holding Yourself Back with a Story About the Past?

    “The distinction between the past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” ~Albert Einstein 

    One morning I woke up inexplicably sad. I sat on my bed trying to make sense of how I felt and what could be behind it. Intuitively, I grabbed one of the many books lying on my night table and opened it in a random place.

    What I had in my hands was A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle, and the chapter was called “Breaking Free.”

    Tolle explains how we tend to be unconsciously engaged in stories from the past and habitual thoughts about them and how we avoid the feelings associated with them.

    Avoiding uncomfortable feelings instead of allowing them to wound us is not the answer, Tolle warns us; emotion is a response to what is happening in the mind.

    Our ego clings to false stories that create fear, anger, jealousy, and other emotional responses because it feeds on the past and future for its existence.

    The best thing we can do to reduce the impact of these emotions is acknowledge them.

    Uncomfortable emotions bring the precious gift of making us aware that we’re trapped in thoughts, beliefs, stories, and old interpretations of ourselves. By being present with our emotions, we can break our identification with them and release the past.

    Reminded once more that every emotion is a messenger of something else that’s running deeper, I allowed my sadness to just “be.”

    I could see how my past beliefs of being unwanted, undeserving, and punished were dominating the scene. I was living a past story as if it were happening today with an intensity that surprised me.

    I realized then that the stories we tell ourselves are a mixture of “old emotions” and experiences we have come to feel as our identity.

    “The Unwanted Me” is a personal story that has pervaded my life for too long, making me feel terrified about showing what I have to offer and taking pertinent actions.

    From an early age I felt that I was somehow “different.” My environment was one of noisy activities—hanging out, watching TV, or playing video games—while I enjoyed reading, silence, nature, learning, being by myself, and engaging in artistic or volunteering activities.

    I was an extroverted introvert; I loved to talk about things I was passionate about, and others mocked me for this.

    The rejection made me disappear into a very rich but lonely inner world. As I grew up, I developed an inquisitive mind and artistic tendencies, which seemed to aggravate and scare my relatives and acquaintances even more than my “nerdy” style.

    How could I feel so inspired and touched by things that drove others nuts? The battle to correct and bring back on track this lost sheep became so fierce and devastating that it ended with me having to leave home to be able to pursue my dreams.

    Finding my way to who I was included not only being homeless and broke but also feeling enormous amounts of guilt and shame for the disappointment and pain I was causing my loved ones by doing the “wrong things.”

    It took a lot of hard work to get where I am now. Long nights filled with doubts about my abilities and choices made the call for becoming an artist a painful one.

    The pleasure and wonder I felt for the arts became tainted by the belief that there was something inherently wrong with me and I was being punished for challenging traditional points of view.

    What I understand today is that I was struggling not only with the “real” day-to-day challenges but also with this invisible past story silently sabotaging my efforts. This is the reason why I feel so tired and frustrated sometimes.

    I have actually enjoyed the benefit of having good people in my life and even recognition, but because I was unaware of a hidden script running the show, it took me loads of effort to believe people actually appreciated me for my qualities instead of pitying me.

    I felt left alone many times in my life, which was both the result of the old pattern of being unwanted and punished and the fuel that kept the pattern going.

    I know better now than to let the old story run wild instead of building the one I want to live. Whenever I feel this way again, I can ask myself: Who is speaking? Is it the real me, or my old “unhappy,” “unwanted,” “unworthy” (fill the blank) story?

    Knowing what story we are telling ourselves helps us learn, little by little, to trust life and build the sense of self-worth we need to succeed and be fulfilled.

  • Recognizing and Overcoming the Fears That Make Us Settle

    Recognizing and Overcoming the Fears That Make Us Settle

    See the Light

    “Fear, uncertainty, and discomfort are your compasses towards growth.” ~Celestine Chua

    Settling feels awful. Take it from me—for the past few months I’ve been holding the Scepter of Settling in both my personal life and my business.

    And it hasn’t felt good.

    The other morning, as I sat waiting in LaGuardia Airport to board a plane for a three-day intensive business retreat in North Carolina, I had this sudden, radical a-ha! moment in which pieces of my life, both personal and business, just clicked into place.

    Have you ever had that happen to you?

    I realized I was settling in my personal life by accepting a relationship in which I was getting so much less than I wanted, and I was settling simply because I was afraid I couldn’t have more than I was currently getting.

    There is a part of me that feels slightly embarrassed to admit that I was settling because of this deep fear that I couldn’t possibly have what I wanted from a partner, because it’s been so long since I have.

    I was also settling in my business by continuing to work with a client who I bent over backward for again, and again, and again, who still always wanted more. I was settling by compromising myself and the way I work just for a few thousand dollars. I was afraid to trust that I would be absolutely fine without that money.

    Does any of this feel familiar to you? 

    • You’re settling for friendships where you don’t feel supported, where it feels like it’s rarely “about you,” or where you have to hide or make parts of yourself smaller.
    • You’re settling for intimate relationships where you’re not seen and heard the way you want to be, or can’t show up authentically.
    • You play small in your family of origin, having to dumb down your success or your inner “shine” because there are stories about who you’re supposed to be or what you’re supposed to do, or you might “out-shine” a family member if you really show your brilliance.
    • You accept more than your share of work, work longer hours than you want, get paid less than you want, or work with people for whom you feel like you’re compromising yourself.
    • You make or have way less time for yourself than you like—you put off self-care, rest, good food, and exercise because there’s not enough time, money, or support.

    In her amazing book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown talks about a marble jar that her daughter’s teacher used in the classroom.

    Every time the class collectively did something good, the teacher put a few marbles in the jar. When they misbehaved, she took a few out. When the jar got to be full of marbles, the teacher threw a class party.

    Brown talks about relationships in this context. Whenever we have a choice of attending to our partner, paying attention to them or their needs, seeing them fully and hearing them—showing up for them and our relationships—it’s like adding marbles to the jar.

    And every time we turn away from our partner, choose to walk by instead of asking what’s wrong, avoid getting involved, turn away from the work of connecting and feeding emotional intimacy, marbles come out of the jar.

    The last few relationships I’ve had were empty jars, with the occasional lonely marble rolling around desolately. I was getting sick with the settling—literally and figuratively. 

    And it was impacting my business, where I found myself also settling in ways that were completely fear-based.

    As I sat working just after dawn at LaGuardia Airport, getting ready to take three days for myself at a mastermind and business retreat, it hit me.

    I’m finally ready to let go of what hasn’t been working, and the fear, and make painfully blank, open, empty space for what works, what feeds me.

    I’m holding out for a full marble jar.

    Are you settling anywhere in your life? Does it feel awful, sad, frustrating, exhausting?

    Whether you’re settling in your friendships, your relationships, your work, your family, or your self-care, settling feels terrible and it’s bad for you, for your work, for your relationships.

    Here are a few questions to get you started thinking about where and why you’re settling.

    Grab a journal and a pen and get yourself a cup of tea. Light your favorite candle. Get comfortable. Dedicate this space to feeding yourself and filling that marble jar.

    Closing your eyes, think about the areas of your life—your work, your love life/partnership, your self-care, your friendships…

    Open your eyes and write each question. Then just start writing, without censoring or editing.

    1. Where in your life are you settling for less than you want and need? Write out each place and how you’re settling.

    2. Why are you settling? What’s the fear behind it? For instance, I found myself settling in a personal relationship because I had a deep fear that I couldn’t have what I wanted, so I thought I might as well settle for what I could get.

    3. What do you fear would happen if you stopped settling?

    4. What is a new belief about what’s possible for you that you’d like to think about working toward?

    5. What would the first small step be if you were to act as if this belief were true?

    We do this work in tiny steps so that they’re achievable and sustainable. Here’s to smashing the ways we settle.

    Photo by Jonathan Kos-Read