Tag: control

Letting Go, Trusting, and Allowing Yourself to Be Happy and Free

“Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

First, let’s be clear about something…

Surrender is not about giving up, handing power over, or failing. It is not waving the white flag of defeat.

We are so used to striving and trying so hard for an outcome that anything outside of that formula seems like self-sabotage.

It isn’t. In fact, surrender is the pinnacle of evolved and enlightened behavior.

Surrender is the beautiful soft space of acceptance. It is an allowing—allowing life to unfold and to be what it is, irrespective of your agendas, expectations, and judgments.

It’s that arms-wide-open energy that is deeply rooted in trust. Relaxing and trusting that, even though things might not seem perfect or they might not be according to your plan, that everything will turn out just the way its meant to for your highest good.

Why do we want to embrace surrender? Because this is how we get out of our own way.

This is how we experience a life of real freedom. Free from our limiting self-beliefs, emotional blocks, and negative self-talk—all the stuff that prevents real growth and transformation. Ultimately, preventing you from an extraordinary life—a limitless life.

At first, the journey into surrender can be very destabilizing. Be assured, you will question it, resist, and try to force stuff to happen, but eventually, when you completely let go, you’ll discover that surrender is the space where everything starts to shift.

Surrender allows us to step into our lives ready to receive, completely able to manifest, and willing to embrace everything—the good, the bad, and the ugly—with an open heart. It’s from this place that real magic happens.

To really understand surrender we need to look at its opposite.

Can you relate to any of these scenarios?

1. Something unexpected has happened and you feel a bit down in the dumps.

Are you comfortable with moving on quickly? Or, do you get stuck on how you believed a situation should have played out?

Notice if you notoriously hold a grudge or can’t handle it when things don’t go to plan. The only person that suffers in this situation is you. Turning an annoying situation into a crisis doesn’t help or do anything to change it.

2. You are working on a project that you really care about. You’ve hit a wall, a plateau.

Do you see that as a clear sign you need to back off? Or, do you grip the reins tighter and try even harder? 

This one’s for you if you insist on doing more, going further, pushing through, even when it’s time for a breather. This type of behavior will send you straight to Stuck-ville, a place devoid of creativity and joy!

3. In a discussion or argument, is it possible for you to admit when you are wrong, say you’re sorry, or compromise?

Or, is it your way or no way at all?

Take note, self-confessed control freaks and know-it-alls! This type  of attitude is a direct route to self-sabotage. This narrow-minded behavior will block you from experiencing different perspectives and detaching from limiting ideas.

Wouldn’t it be so incredible to be free from this energy of control, attachment, resistance, and fear? What kind of life could you live if you were limitless? Free? Wholehearted?

In hindsight, I see that the universe has been coaxing me to let go from a very young age. I think maybe I was born holding on. To what, I’m not sure—my place in the world?

But I do know my grip was tight. I’ve always been light-hearted and happy, but underneath that lived a layer of effort, so structured and controlled that in the end I did nothing. At a standstill, road blocking myself. Life was unnecessarily exhausting.

Ten years ago surrender wasn’t even a concept I was familiar with, let alone one I could fathom embracing. I had no idea that I was about to embark on a master-class in surrender.

How Do We Come to Surrender?

There are three distinct ways that we can come to a place of surrender.

A Lack of Control

Sometimes you look at your life and ask yourself if you can change or leave a negative situation. When the answer you get back is a resounding no, it’s in that moment that the only thing left is acceptance.

Honestly, that’s most of the time. We often have no control over the situation, but we do have control over what we choose to do, what we think, and how we feel—that’s surrender.

When Everything Falls Apart

All hell has broken loose. Crisis in its many forms, death by fire, stuff is going down. Surrender, whether you realize it or not, has come knocking on your door.

If you don’t listen you are just going to go down in flames, figuratively speaking. Instead of armoring up, ready to fight, perhaps a deep breath and a reminder to trust will throw you safely into the arms of surrender. A more peaceful response.

By Choice

Through awareness, personal growth, and intuition we can invite surrender in when it comes knocking. It’s a choice made in the present moment. Seeing reality for what it is and opening up to it wholeheartedly.

Over the last thirty-one years, I’ve been tripped up by many moments, but it’s only been in the last ten that I could almost hear the words “Surrender! Surrender!” chiming in my ears with each stumble.

It sounds like the message had fallen on deaf ears, right? I mean, why else would it keep coming my way?

Well, we are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. It’s not a rip-it-off-quick type scenario. We may have to fall down a few times before the message gets through and we realize that the path we are walking is leading to a dead end.

It wasn’t that long ago that I fell down a few times before I heard the call to surrender. I had a back injury that was preventing me from moving forward in my yoga practice. I tried to manage the injury, but really, I wasn’t listening to its call. I resisted and, of course, the injury persisted.

Energy flows where attention goes. And my attention was certainly stuck in the limitations of my back. All I could think about was how to fix it. I was so frustrated with my body.

Surrender finally came to me four weeks before my wedding day when I put my back out, again. I emailed my teacher to let her know I would be back soon. She replied, “Take three months off, practice at home, and break the cycle.”

As I read her words I could feel my grip tighten on my routine, my practice, my yoga. Even then, a year after I first sustained this injury, I was still resisting and controlling.

Bizarrely, within days, I realized her email was a divine message. So I listened. The four weeks leading up to my wedding day were the most incredible days. I practiced without rhyme or reason, I went to random yoga classes, practiced outside, or didn’t practice at all.

The irony was, I felt stronger, more balanced, and more connected than I had in a long time. She was right. I had to surrender to break the cycle

Today, I know that surrender is part of my divine journey. I am still on the surrender train. I don’t think I will ever stop learning, nor will you.

The beauty, though, is that now I know what surrender looks like, how it feels and fits in my body, what size and shape I can wear comfortably.

I now know that letting go—right in those moments when I really don’t want to—is always right for me, so I respond faster when I hear the call. I know that the life I truly want—limitless, free, and abundant—comes from that space of pure, openhearted surrender.

It’s from that rich territory of surrender that we finally let go of the limiting energy of control and force.

And when we aren’t controlling, we have completely stepped out of our own way. We are ready to receive, to tap into the abundant possibilities available to us, and to manifest a life free from restraint and restrictions.

December 17, 2013
The Power of Surrendering: Let Go of Control to Be Peaceful and Free

“The reality is that tomorrow is most certainly uncertain and no matter how many expectations we form, tomorrow will come, tomorrow will go, and it will be what it will be.” ~Lori Deschene

I have never known how to surrender to just about anything. Surrendering is giving up control, and this is something I have never been good at doing.

From an early age I coped with tension and negativity by trying to will things to be different. This caused me a great deal of anxiety because trying to will anything to go your way is not only exhausting, but also impossible.

My efforts always wound up seeming fruitless, and I often felt that many things were out of my control, starting with my home life.

I am the second of five children, so money was always tight. My mom worked two jobs as a nurse, and my dad had his own struggles. The financial strain at home was bad, but the emotional one was much worse.

I wanted so badly for my parents to get along, and yet it seemed to always be out of my control. No matter how much effort I put into not creating waves, nothing helped. I never learned to relax. I felt like if I was constantly on some sort of emotional alert, somehow the blows wouldn’t hurt so much.

That was never the case. Soon it seemed I was anxious even in peaceful moments because I always expected those quiet and happy times to be the calm before the storm.

School did nothing to help my anxiety. I had a close knit group of friends beginning in junior high, most of whom I am still very close to now; however, I never truly felt comfortable in my own skin as an adolescent.

I was a beanpole growing up, but then suddenly my body changed in my early teens, and not in a way that I liked. I noticed how much wider my hips were than my friends’, and how I had to wear a size fourteen when everyone else was wearing a size four.

During this time I made a promise to myself that I would grow up to be much different. One day my life would be mine, and I would be able to control it to be just how I wanted. I would finally surrender to the palpable joy of my wonderful life.

This mindset did nothing to cultivate a healthy young adulthood, though. Instead, it led to bad relationships (the “I can change him” mentality) and an eating disorder (I thought I could control my body, if nothing else).

Time did heal some old wounds, and eventually I stepped away from the bad body image and found myself in a happy, healthy marriage. Yet I found that my anxiety had stuck around. I really thought that once I had a wonderful husband and a great job, all of my worries would be over, that suddenly the anxiety I had growing up would cease to exist.

Why wouldn’t it? Clearly I would have nothing to worry about—except I still find so many things to worry about: My parents getting older, my own finances, my dogs’ health, and even my marriage.

It doesn’t help that I’m a fixer. You have a problem? Give me a few minutes and I can solve it. Can’t find a job? I am your woman. Need psychological help? I will forward you my counselor’s information.

The trouble is, most of the time this is unsolicited, and I find myself trying to fix issues I have absolutely no business fixing. These aren’t my problems and, quite frankly, it is exhausting trying to fix other people’s lives while also finding time for my own issues.

I have a hard time understanding that not involving myself doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means I care enough to believe someone else can solve their problems without me.

I have never enjoyed trying to control things. I truly want nothing more in life than to just let go, let things happen for what they are. I have just never been able to loosen my grasp.

The closest I ever came to surrendering myself, mentally and physically, was when I went skydiving. I put my trust and faith (and life) in both the pilot and tandem jumper. I remember the guy I jumped with giving me instructions as we ascended into the sky.

The instruction I remember the most was that under no circumstance should I try and grab onto any part of the plane on my jump out, especially the wing. If I did, not only would I risk getting hurt, but also would risk the lives of everyone in the plane, including my eventual husband.

For a split second I panicked: “What if my inner control freak rears its ugly head and tries to grab ahold of something during the jump?”

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I would not grab onto anything. I didn’t want to get hurt, and I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.

And so I jumped. I went free falling out of a plane from 10,000 feet in the air, probably plummeting at about 100 miles per hour.

It was amazing. It was freeing. It was surreal. It was eye opening.

There I was, falling from the sky without the ability of manipulating anything in my favor. For once, I had absolutely no control of an outcome. I had to accept that, put my faith in someone else for a brief moment, and just let the chips fall where they may.

It took jumping out of a plane for me to get it, but at that moment I finally felt how freeing it is to let go and surrender control.

I used to hate people telling me things would be okay. At my lowest and saddest points it seemed like things wouldn’t be okay because I was unable to control any outcome.

I once had a boyfriend who told me this, even as I sobbed on his porch about how horrible my life was. I asked him how he knew that things would be okay. He didn’t have an answer. I was angry that he would tell me things would turn out all right when he could make no guarantee that they would.

Looking back on that day, I realize now how unrealistic it is to expect any guarantee you that your future turns out all right. Life makes no promises and is not obligated to guarantee anything. The way things are doesn’t always follow what we want.

I have spent many of my happiest days clouded by anxiety because I’ve been simultaneously waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to re-learn the simplest things, like how to just enjoy a moment for what it is without worrying about some impending doom.

I need to allow myself to trust more instead of panicking about everything that could go wrong. It won’t be easy, and it will probably make jumping out of a plane seem like a piece of cake. But just like with the wing of the plane, I need to allow myself the freedom from constantly grabbing for safety.

I once sang The Beatles’ “Let it Be” to audition for a high school play. I read that Paul McCartney wrote it after having a dream in which his late mother came to him during a difficult time in his life. She told him to let things be and that they would all turn out okay in the end.

A simple song has helped me scratch the surface and realize profound beauty in just letting things be what they are.

It is through letting go that I can finally bid farewell to my anxiety and learn to see this life in a new light, one that isn’t controlled. It will be a life in which I allow things to happen as they do and land just where they are meant to land. It will be a life in which I finally learn to surrender.

It’s only in surrendering that we can be peaceful and free.

Photo by Lachian Rogers

December 1, 2013
The Path of Heart: Live a Passionate Life Full of Love and Joy

“Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

In my late thirties, I attended a workshop that was led by a group of coaches. One of the exercises we did was called the “future self-exercise,” a visualization that took me twenty years into my future.

During the meditation, I was greeted by my future self: a gorgeous, happy, free older me dressed in purple, one of my favorite colors. Her hair was long, flowing, and brown. (So I guess the future me dyed her hair!)

She was walking on the beach in Maui near her home. She told me that her name was “Warrior Woman.” I was uncomfortable at first with that word, warrior, as my mind associated it with violence.

When I told her that, she explained that being a warrior meant feeling one’s power with a relaxed, gentle heart. She was supremely calm and peaceful, and I instantly trusted her in every cell of my body.

Her energy, like that of a child’s merry-go-round, represents the circle of life: moving around and around slowly and happily, experiencing everything joyfully.

I still have a ways to go—my current energy is closer to that of Disneyland’s Space Mountain: in the dark, not exactly sure where I’m going yet clearly on the right path, loving action, loving speed.

But what my encounter with Warrior Woman gave me was a vision of myself to work toward.

Being human, I fixate on what is outside me. I feel the pain of wanting to control things I cannot control. My ego acts like it’s in charge, which can lead to my complaining or acting like a wounded puppy. It is in these times that I remind myself of the warrior’s path.

The path of heart, the path that leads to love, is a warrior’s path.

A warrior protects and empowers him or herself and their world. A warrior is centered in their love and therefore experiences deep peace. A warrior is worthy of love and knows this through and through. A warrior knows how to balance being proactive with simply being.

But warriors are not born. We are made.

You have a warrior sleeping within you. He is a master of life, of his domain and body. You sense him when you feel the will to do what’s right in the face of adversity. You hear her whisper when you know deep down that the harder path is the one you must take. You feel her rejoice when you experience moments of worthiness, joy, and love.

There are five steps on the warrior’s path:

1. Know and accept who you are now—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

This step is about revisiting who we are and seeking what is true, even if it’s challenging. This truth is both where you’ve come from and where you are.

For example, for years I had denied the truth of my abusive childhood in an effort to protect myself. I refused to reflect on the experience or acknowledge that it had influenced my life. But actually acknowledging it was the way out of my pain.

I also woke up to the truth of my adult life—the fact that I was still making choices from that place of abuse. Acknowledging the truth empowered me instead of enraging me.

2. Have something worth striving for.

As we first move into self-love, we often need something beyond ourselves to strive for. It’s easy to fight for someone you love, but you might not love yourself just yet. So until we can fully experience and know that we ourselves are worth it, we must find what or who is worth it in the meantime.

It can be a relative, a friend, or a personal goal. Having that motivation helps us to actualize our true potential, and in doing so, we realize our own true worth.

3. Take action toward your vision.

When we identify what in our life is worth striving for, we feel the power of our will. We feel as though we are being carried on the tide of purpose. This energy must be channeled into action.

Consider what you’re saying to yourself and your life when you identify something worth striving for and then do nothing. That’s like researching a fantastic hike, packing your bags, driving to the mountain—and then sitting in the parking lot.

If you’re struggling to know what to do, I suggest you get quiet and ask for an answer. “Dear Universe: I am unsure of my next action step. Please help me see it and make it clear to me.” Then watch and notice what begins to show up in your life (observation is action).

4. Let go of the outcome.

This seems counterintuitive and maybe even ridiculous.

You’ve just connected with a powerful desire about what you want your life to be like. Then you found something near and dear to your heart worth striving for. And now I’m telling you that you have to move forward completely unattached to the outcome of whether you’ll get the life you want.

Growth begins with looking at those things we desire most and finding the bliss in working toward them—not in achieving them. Achievement is still the goal, but you only get there by letting go of the need for it.

In other words, I invite you to fall in love with the process, with the transformation, growth, and healing you are experiencing for its own worth.

5. Choose to contribute.

It’s only human to think of ourselves first. But now, grow beyond yourself. We do this to fully become ourselves—yet another irony.

What can I give? How will my life have mattered? These are the questions that lead our feet onto the path of the warrior.

Their answers provide the heart. Service is at the core of love. This may be calling an elderly relative once a week, working at a soup kitchen, or volunteering at your child’s school, not out of guilt or obligation, rather out of love.

Transformation won’t come overnight; periods of obsessing and anger over old wounds are all part of the ride.

Of course I laugh when I find myself using my frenetic, Space Mountain energy—the energy that says I have to do something, and do it quickly (I have always loved amusement parks, and now I understand why).

I still talk to my warrior and ask her for her wisdom. She feels like the mother in me. I consider my teaching how I do my mothering in the world. The knowledge that warrior is both someone I aspire to be and someone I already am carries me through this adventure called life.

There’s a warrior in you too. Can you feel it?

Photo by h.koppdelaney

December 1, 2013
9 Insights on Dealing with Change, Challenges, and Pain

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

This year has been one of unprecedented change for me. From January to March, I traveled to Mozambique, Africa to do volunteer work. I did not speak the language; I did not understand the culture. I was immersed in a completely strange world for two months.

In April, we put our house up for sale. The prospect of uprooting and moving is destabilizing, and one of life’s biggest stressors.

Then in May my marriage failed, and I separated from my wife. We had been together for almost nine years. I became well acquainted with pain beyond anything I had ever known.

In June I decided to attack my lifelong dream of singing in a rock band—mid-life crisis or perhaps an awakening of sorts.

In August my son left home for university. It was a very exciting and emotional time for all of us, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.

And in September my last remaining grandparent, my grandmother, died at the age of ninety-seven. She was an incredible woman who saw so much change, and packed a whole lot of life into her years.

Over the last nine months, amidst all the turbulence, challenges, and pain, a few insights gradually occurred to me:

1. Nothing is permanent.

Yet we are programmed for the opposite. We want life to feel safe and secure, and permanence gives us the illusion that it is.

The reality is that nothing is permanent, and the only thing we know we can count on is change. The more we push for permanence in life, against the current, the more disappointed we become when we find it is not achievable to the extent we think it should be. But if we can accept the fluidity of life, everything changes.

2. Time heals.

Why is it that life can look hopeful one day, and so very dark the next? Very little of my actual situation has changed from one day to the next. But my perception of it can change minute by minute based on how I am feeling in that moment—tired or rested, peaceful or angry, whole or damaged.

I am learning not to overreact in the moment, or make important decisions when I am feeling down.

3. Practice gratitude.

In the midst of turbulence, I have a strong tendency to dwell on the negative. And then everything looks dark and it snowballs.

But there are always things to be grateful for in life—my friends, my health, my relationships, my next meal. I often think back to my time in Mozambique and remember the crippling poverty that most people live with there every day. And yet they are, by and large, a happy people.

We can make a huge difference in our state of mind by focusing more on what we do have, how lucky we are, and counting our blessings.

4. Be gentle with yourself.

I am my own worst critic, focusing on my perceived failings and inadequacies. All this does, I have found, is reinforce the bad. And by reinforcing it, that is the reality I create for myself. So I am slowly learning to cut myself some slack, and perhaps even like who I am. What a concept!

There is a direct correlation between how we treat ourselves and how we are with others out in the world. This is how we can learn to love.

5. Be here now.

I have a lifelong tendency to look back or forward—anything but being present. Guilt and shame look back, worry and anxiety look ahead. In either case, it is wasted energy.

If I feel that I need to do something to set things right, then I should simply do it, then let it go and not allow these feelings to linger. For me, engaging in activities that force me to stay present helps: skiing, surfing, singing.

6. Give up control.

We can plan all we want, but there are much bigger forces at work out there. And the bigger plan for us may not coincide with what we think should happen or the planned timetable we have in our head.

I will have faith that the universe wants to help me. My job is to see it, step out of the way, and let it work its magic.

7. Be yourself.

I have been a people pleaser for most of my life. There all kinds of expectations out there about what I should do, how I should do it, who I should be, and how I should fit in. And it is impossible for me to keep up, to satisfy everyone else. Far easier for me to finally learn just to be me, and to be comfortable with who that is.

We can provide ourselves with a great deal of peace by learning to be ourselves and letting the chips fall where they may.

8. Eat. Sleep. Exercise.

This may seem basic, but when my life is in turmoil, I find that these can be the first to go out the window. I skip meals, or eat badly. My sleep suffers and when I am not rested, my whole perspective changes for the worse. That’s usually when I make bad decisions. I feel lethargic and tend to want to skip exercise.

But these three are all connected, and they are some of the few things we actually can control to some degree. And when we force ourselves to practice good self-care, we feel better, stronger, and life seems brighter.

9. Don’t fight the pain.

It’s taken me a long time to learn this one. And I have a history of doing or using anything I can to not feel the pain. I know this doesn’t work because when I mask the pain, it never leaves. It just gets stronger, and comes out in other ways.

Pain needs to be acknowledged. When we let ourselves feel it, it loses its grip and passes through us much more quickly.

I have certainly not mastered any of these, but underpinning it all is a sense of heightened awareness about the feelings I have, and I’m beginning to recognize where these feelings come from. This is the first step in learning, accepting, and rolling with the changes that life offers up.

Photo by Ben K. Adams

November 10, 2013
We Can Control How We Respond to Things We Can’t Control

“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

Every year, March 13^th is difficult for me. This year, I marked the day with a long hike in the woods near my house and an extra-long hug for my wife, Kathleen. My sisters and I called each other and just said his name out loud. Wherever he is, we want him to know he is gone but not forgotten.

March 13^th would have been my brother Jimmy’s 64^th birthday. He only made it to 26.

But March 13^th is also a time to reflect on what Jimmy meant to me, because although his death was a tragic event, it inspired me to choose a better life.

April 23^rd, 1975. A day that will be in my consciousness as long as I breathe.

It was my sister Elizabeth’s 17^th birthday and the day that my brother Jimmy, whom I worshipped, died.

I was 11; Jimmy (as I said) was 26. My other older brother Robert (I am the youngest of eight) broke the news to me and my three other closest siblings, Michael, Madeleine, and Elizabeth.

Robert told us and then held me in his arms as I screamed, “That’s not true! Jimmy can’t die! It’s a mistake!”

But it wasn’t. He was gone, and my life changed that day forever.

This devastating change was not my choice, but what I did next was. It was always my brother’s dream that his seven other siblings would escape our abusive father. I knew that, to honor Jimmy, I would never go back home.

My mission from that day forward was to grow up and take control of my life. In the darkest moments—fighting with my foster parents, for example—I would say to myself, “Stay strong for Jimmy.”

My path was far from smoothly paved; many bumps lay ahead. But I knew at that early age that whatever the universe threw at me, I could at the very least control my reaction and my journey forward, out of darkness into light.

We choose to quit jobs, get married, adopt an animal, but of course there are many life events we don’t choose—a divorce, an accidental pregnancy, or the death of a loved one. Yet we can still choose how we deal with and react to these occurrences in our lives.

During tough times, our emotions run the gamut: denial, anger, fury, despair, numbness, isolation, desperation. In order to heal, we must feel. But we have a say in what we do with our feelings.

There are no right or wrong reactions, only what serves us and what doesn’t.

It may help you to be angry and express your rage; it may help to be alone for some time. What is crucial when moving through a crisis is maintaining self-awareness.

Check in with yourself daily, perhaps through meditation or journaling, and ask yourself: Where am I today? Is this helping me? What might be the next phase of this transition?

While we have to relinquish control over the circumstances, we can still maintain our connection to ourselves. We can work with this knowledge, to paraphrase Victor Frankl, to face the challenge of changing ourselves.

“Change” has become a dirty word in today’s world; advertisers avoid it because consumers associate the word with challenge and difficulty.

But whether we like it doesn’t really matter—life-altering events will change us, in one way or another. Instead of tuning out to avoid the pain, dealing with and even embracing tragedy and its consequences gives us an active role in guiding our own change and growth.

Transformation is all around us. Transitions are the birthing pains, alternately exhilarating and difficult, that can bring wondrous, challenging, beautiful changes into our lives.

What change are you dealing with now, and how are you responding to it?

Photo here

June 24, 2013
How to Deal With Change When Change Is Hard

“You must welcome change as the rule but not your ruler” ~Denis Waitley

My name is Hannah, and I find it hard to deal with change.

As much as I used to want to think of myself as flexible and easy-going, I struggle to live up to these ideals. I like to know where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, and to have my near future mapped out in lists, to-dos, and ideas. In short, I do whatever I can to minimize the level of uncertainty in my life.

My discomfort around uncertainty means I am usually very decisive. In some ways this has been beneficial; for example, it’s allowed me to make hard decisions that I might have otherwise been tempted to avoid or delay.

In other ways, it’s been a disadvantage, especially when I’ve prioritized removing my discomfort above anything else, and made decisions without having all the information I really needed first.

Historically, when life’s ups and downs have left me feeling uncertain, I’ve done whatever I need to do to regain my sense of control. Keeping my options open or “going with the flow” provokes feelings of restlessness, impatience, and eventually frustration; after all, why leave things up to chance when you could have a plan?

My relationship with change, well, changed at the end of last year, when my partner and I embarked on a seven-month trip around South America and Mexico. Over the past few months, I have experienced different cultures, climates, environments, people, food, languages, and many more changes than I could have imagined.

During the first couple of months, I discovered a lot about my need for control, and how it affects my day-to-day experience. Working through this, I’ve learned to find a balance between meeting that need, and flowing with the many changes that come from moving between different places, countries, and cultures.

Here are five elements that have been invaluable in this process of adapting to change:

1. Learn to differentiate between what you can and can’t control.

One of the most important lessons I learned early on in my travels was the difference between factors I could control and factors I couldn’t control. For example, I could control whether I left enough time to get to an airport or a bus station to catch my next connection to a different city or country; however, I couldn’t control whether that plane or bus actually left on time.

As well as learning to place events in their rightful control-related categories, I learned to appreciate the importance of acceptance, and the emotional freedom this provides. Once I accepted that I couldn’t control some changes, I felt less anxious about them.

2. Keep a journal.

Keeping a diary or journal has been one of the most helpful activities for processing the changes I’ve experienced.

During my trip, I’ve embraced my morning pages routine (writing 3 A4 pages, or approximately 750 words stream-of-consciousness, as described by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way). This has helped me keep a record of the many things I’ve seen and experienced, and has also helped me recognize a strong limiting belief.

Through keeping a journal, I’ve realized that my aversion to change was based on a fear that I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. Reflecting on some of the experiences I’ve had and the way I’ve processed them, however, I recognized that I actually have far more internal strength than I previously gave myself credit for.

3. Develop routines, even small ones.

Developing small routines and habits has helped me stay grounded and connected to myself. In turn, this has enabled me to feel more accepting of other changes happening around me.

As well as morning pages, I have developed other routines (such as having the same breakfast most days and dedicating Saturday mornings to learning Spanish), that have helped meet my need for consistency and stability.

When it feels like everything else around us is in flux, finding small comforts to hold on to can make all the difference in how we process and deal with other changes in our lives.

4. Connect with others who are sharing a similar experience.

Talking to other travelers and hearing about their experience of long-term travel has helped me realize that I’m not alone in how I feel. Change is hard, even if you’ve volunteered for it. As one friend said to me a few days ago: “Just because you’ve chosen to do this doesn’t mean it has to be perfect.”

Talking to people back home about the struggles I’ve encountered has felt hard. Part of me feels guilty complaining about enormous bugs and travel sickness when people back home are enduring a freakishly cold winter and still doing the 9 to 5. But fellow travelers understand, and knowing that I’m not alone has helped me accept some of the more negative aspects of the changes I’ve experienced.

5. Take care of your basic needs.

Taking care of your basic needs is absolutely crucial if you are in a period of change. These needs are like the foundations of our physical and mental health; without them, we’re unlikely to be able to process additional challenges in a healthy way.

My non-negotiables are sleep, hygiene, exercise, and healthy food. When I have these things, I am a happy camper and can deal with external changes far more easily. When I don’t have them, my tolerance levels drop, I feel stressed and I find it hard to flow with other changes that are happening around me.

Your basic needs might be similar to mine, or they might be different. When you’re able to identify and prioritize them, however, you give yourself a much better chance of encountering change with minimal stress and anxiety.

What are your tips for dealing with change? Leave a comment and let us know.

June 9, 2013
Letting Go of Stress Around Your Goals: 4 Tips to Help You Relax

“Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising consequence of letting go.” ~James Arthur Ray

I have always been a bit of a control freak, and if I’m not mindful, it can suck the joy out of my work and my passion.

I like tasks done a certain way, which means I don’t always do well when it comes to delegating to others and can end up overextending myself.

I want things to be done on my timeline, which means I may feel a need to micromanage tasks I have delegated to decrease the potential for delay.

And I sometimes feel a need to know where things are going, which means I often need to remind myself to stay open to new possibilities.

In short, I like to feel that everything is going according to plan—my plan—so that I leave very little to chance.

Chance can be a scary place. It’s the realm where things could go wrong because you didn’t steer, compel, or manipulate them to ensure that they went right.

It’s the place where anything could happen because you weren’t clear or pushy enough to make things happen as you visualized them.

It’s a space where things are unpredictable, random even, where you don’t feel you have a say or a choice.

These are things I’ve thought before.

If you have a controlling instinct like I do, it can be difficult to ascertain when you’re being too heavy-handed, causing yourself stress in the process, and when you’re simply being proactive and taking responsibility for your life.

It’s a thin line between empowering yourself and taking your power away.

On one side, you know you’ve done your best but accept that other factors contribute to your outcome; on the other side, you cause yourself immense anxiety trying to foresee and eliminate those factors.

It can feel terrifying to simply let things happen, particularly when the stakes are high—when you care about something so deeply that it feels like a piece of you.

But ironically, trying to control things can actually limit their potential.

Imagine you stood in front of a flower all day, trying all kinds of fertilizer to push it to grow faster. In addition to trying too many things, minimizing the effectiveness of any one, you’d essentially rob it of sunlight while casting your overbearing shadow.

The fear that it might not grow would all but ensure that outcome. (more…)

November 26, 2012
Being Fit Without Letting Food and Exercise Control You

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ~Unknown

Most people associate fitness with nothing but positive connotations.

Exercising is the alleged solution to obesity and stress.

Eating fresh, local, healthy foods is the age old secret to a long and disease-free life.

But what most people don’t realize is that striving to live a healthy lifestyle can carry some seriously negative consequences if you don’t approach it wisely.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for eating right and exercising, but the moment your life begins to revolve around your fitness, then you’ve already lost.

Sacrificing Your Life to be Healthy

In my early attempts to build a healthy and fit body that I could be proud of, I ruined my life.

My entire life would be structured around my workouts. My meals were planned at exact intervals.

And if I missed any of my workouts or if my meals weren’t up to my standards, I would consider myself a failure and would get incredibly upset.

Back then I took an “all-or-nothing” approach to health and fitness. If I had one “bad” day of eating, then the entire week would be considered a waste.

It was bad.

My perfectionist approach to fitness began drawing attention.

I would go to parties and eat nothing but raw veggies and water. People would question me, stare at me for why I was being so phobic about food. My own parents began getting frustrated with me because I would only eat certain foods.

My so-called dedication to fitness turned into an obsession, one that overtook my life.

All that exercising and healthy eating was meant to complement my life, not become it. (more…)

August 29, 2012
The Power of Acceptance: Stop Resisting and Find the Lesson

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” ~Arthur Rubinstein

Sometimes you’re an observer of other people’s lives and you think you’ll never experience what they’re living, whether it’s a positive or negative situation. You think, “That will never happen to me.”

Part of the real beauty of life is that it’s unpredictable. Nothing is permanent, everything changes, and of course, a lot of things can happen that will transform who you are and have an impact on your life. The problem is that we need to cultivate the ability to truly accept whatever comes and embrace it.

We need to develop the habit of looking at whatever happens through a positive mindset instead of a negative, defeatist one.

Of course, life will bring many challenges, such as the death of someone we love, and it’s not easy to embrace them when we’re suffering and wishing those things would have never happened. But if we start cultivating acceptance in our lives right now, we’ll likely cope with future crises in a different way and view them from a different perspective. We will accept instead or resisting.

I am big fan of Deepak’s Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. He dedicates one complete chapter (Law #4) to how we need to receive with open arms what happens to us, because if we fight and resist it, we are generating a lot of turbulence in our minds.

He explains that we might want things to be different in the future, but in the present moment we need to accept things as they are. That’s the way you can make your life flow smoothly instead of roughly.

During the last year of my life I have learned the true power of acceptance.

The first lesson I learned was last year when my boyfriend broke up with me after three years together. Even though I was reluctant to believe he wouldn’t give me a second chance during the initial months, I eventually realized I had no option but to accept his choice and move on with my life. (more…)

July 10, 2012
Control Less, Trust More: How I Learned to Relax and Let Go

“The closest to being in control we’ll ever be is in that moment when we realize we’re not.” ~Brian Kessler

My nine-year-old son said something so profoundly right that it kept me awake. He said that in order for him to be happier I would need to let go of controlling him all the time.

Now granted he is young, and believe me, if I didn’t tell him to get dressed he’d run outside in PJs, but I was struck by his wisdom because this is also my obstacle to becoming happier.

In the past, the more I felt out of control, the more I tried to control others. We moved many times, sometimes to different continents for my husband’s job. We had children, and not all of them planned.

My husband and I drifted apart over the years, realizing we are very different and have completely diverging core values. I became sick with an eating disorder, a scary and tricky disease.

I felt overwhelmed, scared, alone, and lost. This is where the controlling mind came to rescue and took over. In time, my eating disorder became stronger than me, and yet also a familiar friend.

I tried to control both my eating and my body—and also the lives of everyone around me.

The emptier my marriage felt, the more I tried and control my husband’s behavior at home. The more I felt overwhelmed with my job as a mother, the more I structured my kids’ activities, often making them do things they didn’t want to do. Needless to say that didn’t help to foster my relationships with them.

I tried to control every aspect of their lives. Whether it was the lunches that needed to be made with a specific type of bread, or the homework having to be done at this time of the day, or the decision of which movie to watch, I told them how to do it and had a hard time letting them make their own choices.

I was hardly ever wrong—at least I didn’t think so. I thought control equals security equals happiness, up until the day when I took a close look at my life and found that nobody around me was smiling anymore.

They were miserable. They lit up when their dad came home because he did things with them that were fun and, best of all they never knew what would happen with him. With me they could foresee everything, and the routines were never fun or joyful. (more…)

February 20, 2012
How to Stop Being a Victim and Start Creating Your Life

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

“They” say things happen at the “right” time. For me hearing a presentation, live, by Jack Canfield, came at the perfect time.

I was in San Diego, the traveling babysitter for my precious 5-month old granddaughter, while my daughter attended a nutrition conference. It was an all around win-win situation—a new place to sightsee and of course spend quality (alone) time with baby Rachel and daughter Penina.

When I found out Jack Canfield was the final key speaker, I jumped at the chance to attend. And the topic certainly resonated with me—“getting from where you are to where you want to be.” Now how’s that for someone in transition working to carve out a new path!

There were a lot of takeaways, fabulous ideas to hold onto; so much so that I’ve been carrying around his book, The Success Principles, and studying it since I got home.

One thing that really speaks to me is this idea of taking 100% responsibility for one’s life.

As a society, we are so quick to assign blame and pull out all the excuses as to why something did or did not happen.

All the “He made me, she made me….” finger pointing. There’s a reason why “the dog ate it” became such a classic excuse.

We relinquish all power when we go there. Where are we in this? I know that by nature many of us are passive recipients of life and are at the mercy of what befalls us.

In my workshops with parents on teaching responsibility, many are stuck or love acting in their role as helicopter parents, swooping down to save, rescue, and do all for their kids—all under the guise of, “The more I do for my child, the better parent I am.”

And therefore what are we teaching our kids when they come in to class and tell the teacher, “My mom forgot to pack my lunch”?

Then there’s the parent who comes ranting to school, “Don’t suspend my little Stevie for calling Andy names and hitting him in the playground; his sister does that to him at home, it’s no big deal.”

We are facilitating the perpetuation of an entitled breed of human beings.

In my practice as a therapist, clients would talk for years about being stuck because of what their dysfunctional nuclear families did to them. “My mother did this, my father that…”

And then of course there’s me. What comes all too naturally for me is my quick ability to find fault with others, to pass judgment and criticize.

Who is to blame—why, my mother of course, queen of “judgmentalism.” I fight against these tendencies constantly. But they do rear their ugly head often enough. I guess it’s in my bloodstream. I’m aware of it; I work at it. I know where it comes from; therefore that explains it but it certainly does not excuse it.

This is my problem, my issue. What matters is how I handle it and work to respond differently—to catch myself while it’s doing its internal dance before it parts from my lips. (more…)

October 17, 2011
Living in Extremes: Releasing the Need for Chaos and Control

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” ~Gandhi

The next time I feel it urgent to text someone off Craigslist after 11pm, I may think twice.

I was obsessed with attaining the body of a fitness model. I had recently been laid off and when life gets tough, I go to work—on my abs. It’s hard to accept that I can’t sweat away my troubles or make my problems magically disappear by tightening my thighs.

I tend to be a little high-strung, and excessive exercise helps me cope. Or, it possibly just adds more fuel to the fire. Whichever it is, during this particular fitness frenzy I found myself at a Starbucks near LAX waiting for the Craigslist seller I texted the night before. He had what I needed, and at half the price.

I have since learned that when you say, “Let’s meet at thatStarbucks by the airport,” both parties need to be very specific about which one “that”is.

I’ve heard stories where one person is at this Starbucks while the other is at the store two blocks down, but I never considered the possibility of mixing up three locations.

I got to the first Starbucks and looked for my seller. He said he’d be wearing a black jacket. I told him I’d be wearing workout clothes, as I’d be coming straight from my Barry’s Bootcamp class in West Hollywood. He didn’t need to know this, but I tend to give out unnecessary details.

When I opened the door to enter the Starbucks, it was the type of entry that brings with it a gust of wind – blowing everyone’s hair and rustling their papers. Since all eyes were now glaring at me, it was hard to tell who was looking because they were selling and who was just pissed off.

I felt one man looking longer in my direction than the others. I walked up to him and whispered, “Are you the guy with the P90X?” He paused for a moment and then laughed, “No, I’m not.”

If I had asked someone in, oh I don’t know, Minnesota for P90X, they would probably call the cops. In L.A., the familiarity obviously skewed high. This man knew right off that I was referring to Tony Horton’s 90-Day Extreme Home Fitness Workout DVD Program, and not a new blend of Ecstasy.

I realized what I must have looked like to that man in my gym clothes trying to score P90X from the streets. I appeared to be an obsessive fitness fiend! I was feeling pretty embarrassed when I got a text from my seller: “Running 15 minutes late. Sorry.” (more…)

September 25, 2011
Lose Control to Find Closeness in Your Relationships

“Always be mindful of the kindness and not the faults of others” ~Buddha

In these hectic and often chaotic times, for most people (controllers included), the need for intimate, close bonds with friends and family is more important than ever for their overall well-being.

Yet, most controllers are unaware of how much their controlling actions prevent intimacy.

Losing Intimacy with My Son

Twenty years ago I was a massive, obsessive controller. I firmly believed that the best way to satisfy my needs and achieve what I wanted in life was by controlling everything and everyone. At home, Father truly knew best! I knew what was best for my children—and didn’t hesitate to let them know.

When my son Brandon was a child, I constantly offered my two cents on almost everything he did, thinking it would help him better traverse life’s many challenges. When he was young, he had no choice but to put up with my intrusions.

In his teens, however, he became very dismissive of me—he didn’t want to hear anymore from me, and he strongly let me know it.

Our bond remained strained until I was literally brought to my knees by a rapid-fire series of traumatic events (concluding with 5 major cancer surgeries). At that point, I no longer had the desire or energy to continue intruding upon his life.

Because I no longer offered him my opinions or advice, Brandon began seeking my input on important challenges he faced as a young adult.

Hence, the very thing I had sought—intimacy—came to me only after I stopped trying to seek it! (more…)

June 23, 2011
Controlling Your Inner Control Freak: The Art of Inefficiency

“Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.” ~Unknown

I’ve always been a control freak. But I’ve learned to control it!

I was born with the ability to quickly envision the most efficient way through a task, activity, project, problem, puzzle, or challenge. This has made me useful to many people, especially in my workplaces.

But it can make people crazy, too. Especially when I’ve expected others to buy into the approach I knew would work best, fastest, most efficiently.

My partner sometimes reminds me, “It doesn’t always have to be about being efficient!”

I was never good at delegating. I’d rather get the job done right. If I delegate a task to somebody else, it won’t be done the “best” way, will it! I’ll probably end up re-doing it anyway, right?

I have always strived for perfection. “Anything worth doing is worth doing right.” That phrase was nurtured into me as a child. It’s a good philosophy, but sometimes I’ve taken it too far.

Yes, it has affected relationships. Debating about my partner’s housekeeping style. Often being bossy. Being controlling. Wanting things my own way. Commenting about how others were doing things. “Hey, I know a way that would work better…” Sigh.

I always thought I was being helpful!

It turns out I really wasn’t, not always, not for some people. I finally began to understand that some people found my controlling persona annoying. (more…)

May 18, 2011
In Defense of Wasting Time

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” ~Socrates

Last night, I was telling my husband that I had spent several hours teaching myself the very basics of HTML code in order to edit my blog’s layout precisely according to my vision for it.

I had actually enjoyed the time I spent on this puzzle, but nevertheless commented to him that I couldn’t help but resent wasting some of my day off clicking away in front of the computer screen.

“Why?” he asked. “You enjoyed it, right?”

Yes, I replied, it was fun delve into something new, and fascinating to glimpse the buried inner workings of the virtual world, but still….

“Right, so you spent some time in the flow, working on something and losing track of time, and now you know a little bit more about how the world works than you did before. How can that possibly be wasted time?”

How true. I had wanted even my day off to be productively idle, to serve some function, even if that function was pure relaxation. But I actually felt more fulfilled by doing something new, something I never would have expected to become interested in.

Not only did I have the idle time to delve into this, but I allowed myself to use that idle time in that particular way—to float off into exploration until before I knew it, I had been reading forums and scrolling through code for three hours.

When I realized this, my first impulse was to think of it as something negative—wasted time! But was it really? (more…)

March 3, 2011
Embrace Flexibility to Create Positive Change

“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” ~Jack Dixon

Living without flexibility in the way we act and see the world leaves us at a severe disadvantage.

I always wanted to be one of those people with incredible drive. The kind of people who don’t take no for an answer. As I became more and more like my ideal, I learned that trying to control everything just doesn’t pan out in the long run.

Real power comes from flexibility, not rigidity. Let me explain.

This fact is well known in the martial arts. Have you ever heard of Jiu Jitsu? It’s based entirely around reacting to your opponent.

You use their force against them. Rather than facing them head on, you react to your opponent in a way that brings about the best result. Dealing with life is a lot like that.

No matter who you are, you’ll have a lot of things happen to you. Some will be good, and some will be bad.

The sensei of life knows that flexibility in thinking and action is what brings true happiness. After all, the only constant in life is change.

Goals are good, but trying to constantly force your will is not only exhausting, but excruciatingly futile.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to become more flexible in my approach to life. I’ve had some discoveries that I’d like to share here. (more…)

March 2, 2011
Does Life Just Happen to You?

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.” ~Shakti

Does life just happen to you?

Would it be safe to suggest that a lot of people wake up each morning, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch television, go to bed, and repeat the same course of events Monday through Friday, without ever being fully conscious of what they’re doing?

The events listed above may differ for some people, but the point is still the same. Does life just happen to you, or do you consciously plan your days ahead?

Do you live your life on automatic pilot for the most part?

Take an inventory of your daily routines and ask yourself if you are in the same situation emotionally and physically as you were last month, year, or even decade.

It’s very easy to dismiss the notion of being on autopilot for a large portion of your life. But if you don’t consciously create your desired outcome for a prosperous, successful, and happy life, then you are not living up to your true potential.

I know we all have certain responsibilities we must attend to on a daily basis, and I am certainly not suggesting we ignore these and go chasing our dreams without attending to them first. What I am saying, though, is that you also have a responsibility to yourself.

The question you need to ask is whether or not you’ll respect the decisions you have made in life if nothing has changed when you look back ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. No doubt, your life will be different in thirty years; but will it be from you taking control, or because life just changed (as it does) and you coasted along with it?

I have met many people who are not even close to living up what they are capable of. The worst thing is that they don’t make any effort whatsoever to change their circumstances. They obviously want to have a better life, but it’s as if they’re hoping things will magically get better for them further down the line.

There are also a lot of people who convince themselves that life is too hard, and that good things only happen to a select group of people, or that some people are just lucky, and life favors some and not others. Fortunately, this is not the case at all.

We are all the masters of our own destiny, and if you put the work in you will undoubtedly see positive results. (more…)

December 21, 2010
Tiny Wisdom: On Choices

“We must never forget that it is through our actions, words, and thoughts that we have a choice.” -Sogyal Rinpoche

Nothing is as discouraging as feeling you don’t have a choice—that you’re trapped in a situation you can’t change, with a person who won’t change, or with feelings about yourself that you’ve stopped believing you can change.

We’ve all been there before.

We’ve accepted thankless jobs just to make ends meet. We’ve hurt or watched friends hurting, feeling powerless to end the pain. We’ve waited for love, or mourned unrequited love, or wondered if it was really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

We’ve all felt helpless before, and we’ll all be there at some point again—yet we have far more power than we think.

We can’t always control our circumstances, but we can shape them with our actions. We can’t always save the people around us, but we can support them with our love and attention. We can’t always create a world that feels safe, but we can choose how to experience it with our thoughts.

Every day we have limitless choices, thousands of mini-opportunities to live a peaceful, empowered life.

What choices will you make today?

photo by jaitra.gillespie

August 17, 2010
6 Tips to Deal When You Feel Out of Control: When Your World Gets All Shook Up

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

I celebrated an anniversary recently. It was the night I experienced my first, and hopefully last, earthquake.

My husband and I had retired for the evening as usual—said our goodnights and went to sleep. I was jarred awake at 2:30 AM by him trying to pull me from our bed. At the same moment I heard the most deafening roar. Could a freight train be barrelling through our loft?

Our attempts to escape the upper level were hampered by the violent shaking. As we stepped forward we were propelled side-to-side. We were being tossed like rag-dolls as we scrambled down the stairs, only to be greeted by the sound of glass objects smashing from below.

Skirting around the shards of broken stemware, we fumbled with the house keys and made our escape to the front porch. The same instant that we arrived outside, the 7.3 earthquake stopped as abruptly as it had started.

We were fortunate that our home did not collapse on top of us, that in our community there was no loss of life, and the tsunami that we were warned about never materialized.

Although we were lucky and it only lasted sixty seconds, I put earthquakes at the top of my list of things I never want to experience again.

So why celebrate the anniversary of such an event? (more…)

July 18, 2010
50 Things You Can Control Right Now

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

CNN reports that psychic businesses are thriving in this challenging economy, and the clientele has expanded to include more business professionals who are worried about their financial future.

According to Columbia Business School’s Professor Gita Johar, who studies consumer behavior, the greatest motivation for visiting a psychic is to feel a sense of control.

Sure, there are lots of things we can’t control: businesses may fold, stocks may plummet, relationships may end—the list is infinite, really. But wouldn’t we be far more effective if we focused on all things we can control instead; if we stopped worrying about the indefinite and started benefiting from the guaranteed?

Right now, you can control:

1. How many times you smile today.
2. How much effort you exert at work, or, if you’re not working, how you think about your time off.
3. Your level of honesty.
4. How well you prepare, mentally or physically.
5. How you act on your feelings.
6. How often you say “thank you.”
7. When you pull out your wallet for luxuries.
8. Whether or not you give someone the benefit of the doubt.
9. How you interpret situations.
10. Whether or not you compete with people around you.
11. How often you notice and appreciate small acts of kindness.
12. Whether you listen or wait to talk.
13. When you walk away from a conversation.
14. How nice you are to yourself in your head.
15. Whether you dwell on negative thoughts or let them go.
16. Whether or not you form expectations of people.
17. Whether you eat healthy or unhealthy food.
18. How you respond to someone’s question or email or call.
19. How much time you spend worrying.
20. Whether you try new things or do what you’ve always done.
21. How often you move your body (if you have the privilege of being mobile).
22. How many times you swear in traffic (if you’re fortunate enough to own a car).
23. Whether or not you plan for the weather.
24. How much time you spend trying to convince people you’re right.
25. How often you think about your past.
26. How many negative articles you read.
27. The attention you give to your loved ones when you see them.
28. How much you enjoy the things you have right now.
29. Whether or not you communicate things that are on your mind.
30. How much physical stuff you accumulate.
31. What books you read.
32. Whether you honor your values or not.
33. How deeply you breathe when you experience stress.
34. How many times you admit you don’t know something—and then learn something new.
35. How often you use your influence to help people instead of focusing on building your influence.
36. When you ask for help.
37. Which commitments you keep and cancel, or, if you have to cancel many for health reasons, how kind you are to yourself when you do it.
38. How many risks you take.
39. How creative/innovative you are in your thinking.
40. How clear you are when you explain your thoughts.
41. Whether you formulate a new plan or act on your existing one.
42. How much information you get before you make a decision.
43. How much information you share with people.
44. Whether you indulge unhealthy habits or work to replace them with healthy ones.
45. Whether or not you judge other people.
46. How often you tune into your senses to pull yourself into the moment.
47. How much of what other people say you believe.
48. How quickly you try again after you fall.
49. How many times you say, “I love you.”
50. Whether you focus on what’s going right or what seems to be going wrong.

Odds are, some of these resonate with you more than others, and that’s okay. You can’t do fifty things at once anyway.

And some of these things may not be in your control, if, for example, you’re struggling with a debilitating illness. But I’m willing to bet the majority of these things are still within your grasp. The point is to focus on what you personally can control, even if your list differs from mine.

When I start fixating on something I can’t control, I pick just one of these to think about instead. Minor changes in thinking, I’ve found, lead to major changes in my reality. Do you have any to add to the list?

Photo by Steve Dean

**This post has been revised to incorporate valuable feedback from a Tiny Buddha community member.

March 21, 2010