Tag: control

Release the Stress: Plan, but Know That Plans Change

“Failed plans should not be interpreted as a failed vision. Visions don’t change, they are only refined. Plans rarely stay the same, and are scrapped or adjusted as needed. Be stubborn about the vision, but flexible with your plan.” ~John C. Maxwell

This year started as a complete mess for me.

After a five-week holiday away from December to January, it was difficult to get back to London and into the swing of things. Not only was I still in holiday mode, but I also came back without a plan.

I am at a point in my life where I am still exploring where in the world I want to be, what I want to be doing, and how.

My background is quite varied and broad. I am half Finnish, half New Zealander, but I grew up in Singapore. I came to London for university, where I studied Geology & Geophysics and then Business Management. I also developed a passion for running, which extended into overall health, fitness, and nutrition, thus I started working as a fitness and running instructor.

I am at quite a fragile point, deciding what path to go down (which field—earth science, business, or fitness; which country—stay in the UK, one of my home countries, somewhere completely new).

It is a decision made harder by having lots of options and a mind that tends to look for the perfect decision. It results in overanalyzing and overthinking, and leads to procrastination. Even small steps and imperfect action would be better than staying still. But I am just so scared to make the “wrong” decision.

I know I want to live life doing what I love. I know what I love—the outdoors and nature, health and fitness, running, travel, and exploration. Therefore, I have a rough idea or vision of the where, what, how—somewhere with amazing nature and sunshine; something that combines the environment, outdoors, and fitness. So a rough idea, but not completely clear, and it feels like a lot of big decisions to make!

At the start of the year, I felt quite lost, really. The lack of plan and knowing made me feel out of control and anxious about the future. Having always harbored perfectionist tendencies and feared the unknown, it was terrifying for me.

So I tried to get back on track by planning. Planning things would make me feel more in control. Having a plan would make me feel less anxious and stressed. A perfect plan would solve everything and help me achieve anything, I thought.

And it did help get back into a routine and on track. But it also did the complete opposite and made me overthink everything, which created a lot of stress and more fear.

During the spring I was actively looking for different opportunities and things to learn, do, experience. It is amazing how much you can find when you really look.

I applied for and asked about many different opportunities including world expedition/exploration jobs and courses, fitness jobs, internships in these fields, startups related to nutrition or fitness, photography, writing, language courses, further education degrees.

At times I got good news and I thought I was in such a great place—lots of opportunities obtained and the whole year set out. I could relax and go with the plan.

But then I got bad news and things seemed to fall apart. For example, because of a foot injury I had to stop running and expedition hiking. And I didn’t get the startup job, which brought me back to square one with no set plans.

Throughout this time, no matter how much I planned, things would change. I felt so out of control and anxious. The whole opposite of what planning was meant to do.

But as time went on, even though the ups and downs kept coming, I started to feel calmer about it all. I don’t know if it was my daily meditation or the fact that I had been thrown out of my comfort zone so many times that I was getting used to it. In any case I was calmer and started to reflect.

I came to realize a few very important things:

1. Plan, but know that plans change.

Having a plan is good because it leads to setting and working toward goals. Hopefully these goals pertain to things that will bring you happiness and a sense of achievement. However, as much as you plan, things change. It is important to be okay with this and flexible. Then re-evaluating and getting going again will be much easier.

2. Overthinking can keep you stuck.

Spending all your time planning, overthinking, and overanalyzing is often procrastination for actually doing something. Usually because of some fear.

3. Doing something is more important than finding the “perfect” opportunity.

It’s important to take action toward any opportunities, even if they don’t seem perfect, as this opens doors for you. It gives you different avenues to explore, new ideas, and even routes to your goal. The open doors are also something you come back to, even when plans change. In the very least, it gives you experience.

4. And finally, in life we go through phases, some that seem good and some that seem bad. But neither lasts forever.

Sometimes you get into a bad phase and feel so stuck and unhappy. It feels like it will never pass. But it does. And then you get into a good phase and are really happy. As awesome as that is, unfortunately, that doesn’t last forever either. But the good news is that a good phase will come again!

I like to think about this as a metaphor about a blue sky and clouds. I got this idea from the mindfulness and meditation app “Headspace” (highly recommend!)

There’s always a blue sky. There may be sun, clouds, or rainy days (representing positive and negative thoughts or phases) and the weather keeps changing. But behind it there is always the calm blue sky, and overall everything is all right.

This idea helps you live more in the present and be calmer. It helps think clearly and make plans or decisions based on your core values. It helps with anxiety in not having everything planned, not having the perfect plan, thoughts of “what if my plan doesn’t work?” It just takes the pressure off and helps you live in the present rather than constantly fearing the future.

It’s great to make plans, to have a direction and vision. This helps you achieve the goals you set for yourself, things you always wanted to do or accomplish, things that could bring you happiness. But we need to accept that plans don’t always go, well, to plan!

Know that when they don’t, you can still achieve your goals and vision, just in a different way—and with a lot more peace of mind.

June 9, 2016
Anxiety Comes from Wanting to Control the Future

June 5, 2016
You Don’t Have to Control Your Thoughts

June 2, 2016
You Can’t Control What Happens to You

May 24, 2016
5 Things You Can’t Control

May 23, 2016
Why Letting Go of What We Want Enables Us to Get What We Need

“The most exquisite paradox: as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power, you can’t have it. The minute you don’t want power, you’ll have more than you ever dreamed possible.” ~Ram Dass

The first time I felt this paradox was in the middle of savasana after a challenging yoga class. I always say that yoga is a metaphor for life, and this is exactly why.

Savasana is the final resting pose in which you lay flat on your back, close your eyes, and do nothing. A super yummy savasana is just so due after your work throughout the class.

The more you are challenged throughout the yoga flow, the more likely you are to be pushed to a place of brokenness. You gave your all, and now you are spent. Dizzy and exhausted, you settle into savasana and release your entire body into the earth.

Lying on the cold, hard ground never felt so good. You lie in silence, let your thoughts and breath go, and completely release. You feel deliciously blissful. And you might actually be feeling emotions for the first time all day, or maybe even all week.

A slight smile spreads across your face as the sweat beads drip from your forehead. Or tears quietly stream from your eyes as you feel absolute joy and gratefulness. By the end of that savasana, you feel incredible. You feel like yourself again. You know you are whole.

And it’s a good thing they have you do savasana at end of class, because you need the build up of tension during your yoga flow in order to allow yourself to really let go and just be.

Could you imagine doing savasana at the beginning of class? Mind buzzing from a long, stressful day, thoughts racing. It’s possible, but much harder to do.

This was how I came to understand the paradox of letting go in order to become whole. And trust me, it took many years of therapy, meditation, reading, seeking, and savasana to get there.

We often cling to our desires and fight for them because we think we’ll be happy if we get what we want. But when we let go and accept what is, what shows up for us are often the things we need.

These things tend to be the ones that really count, creating true happiness and meaning in our lives.

But let’s face it, letting go on some issues is easier said than done. When it comes to deeper issues and matters of the heart, letting go can feel downright impossible. And on some issues, letting go may never happen. Some burdens may be too important not to bear. That is okay.

However, even on the more difficult issues you may be facing, there still may be places in which you can soften your grip.

I have had a strained relationship with my father since birth. From about four years old, I knew that he did not love me.

All throughout my childhood, my father was both physically and emotionally abusive. My mother was loving, but also put in a position of trying to appease her husband, while at the same time protecting my siblings and me. This inevitably led to a lot of confusion and chaos in the household.

Things finally came to a head when I was about ten. I was severely depressed, expressing passive thoughts of suicide, and displaying classic behaviors and symptoms of trauma.

After a couple years of therapy and attempting to repair things in the home, my mother decided to divorce my father.

Due to the history with my father, the court granted my siblings and me the opportunity to decide for ourselves whether or not we would like to visit him. Perfect timing too; my twelfth birthday was right around the corner as the divorce was being finalized.

So, it was at the age of twelve when I decided to no longer participate in weekly visitation with my father. I would still see him occasionally for family events and holidays, but I kept my distance and he kept his.

In my mid-twenties, I had little to no contact with my father, only seeing him about once a year for the holidays. However, I confronted him via email, defending my younger sister on an issue she was dealing with.

She was only sixteen at the time, and was devastated when my father packed up all her belongings from his home and dropped them off on my mother’s doorstep without any warning. Apparently, she was no longer welcome in his home, and their relationship, too, was ending.

In my father’s correspondence to me, he verbally confirmed what I had know all along, and stated outright that he did not love me and did not need me in his life.

I was devastated and inconsolable. Although I had known and felt this since I was a small child, I had not actually heard these words before. Something about those words broke me wide open.

I spun out of control and began a turbulent phase in my life in which I became severely depressed and anxious.

I immediately began doing work in therapy, finally addressing the years of trauma that I had experienced, coming to terms with my broken relationship with my father. It was here that I began the long process of healing.

Ten years later, I am significantly stronger. However, trauma is stored in our bodies, in our tissues, and in our brain chemistry, reminding me at times that it’s still there, but a mere shadow of what it used to be. Like an onion, the layers of trauma must be pulled back one at time.

Looking back on my recovery process, the most challenging part for me had to do with my clinging to questions of what happened.

I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me. I couldn’t let go of the fact that I was unloved by my father. I needed to have answers. I had been wrestling with these questions my entire life, and was bruised and broken time and time again, with no end in sight. This deep need and clinging only lead to more pain and hurt.

Through therapy and yoga, I have come to let go of this ideal. I now know that I may never have the answers to my questions. I likely will never fully understand why this happened, why I had to experience this, or why my father behaved in this way.

Now, instead of wrestling, I stand beside my questions, I cradle them in my arms, I offer them support, and I show them kindness. The questions, the injustice, the memories of hurt can be there, and I lovingly accept them into my life.

More than this, I know that I am loved, that I am deserving, that I am kind, that I am a survivor, and I am whole. I always have been.

In order to find acceptance and wholeness in my life, I had to release my death grip on my ideal relationship with my father.

Whatever ideal outcome you’re clinging to, could you be open to the possibility of releasing it so that you can breathe, yield, and expand into something that is bigger? Could you give yourself time and create space so that you can become concise and clear about your being?

If you can do these things, you will get what you need.

Not unlike that challenging yoga flow I spoke of earlier, the real work comes when your body, mind, and spirit has been fully broken, your heart has been ripped wide open, and there is nothing left to do.

And, no this is not easy. It will be hard.

Letting go will make you question your identity, leaving you wondering if you give this one thing up, who will you be? What will you stand for? Will all your stress, worry, pain, hurt, sadness, be in vain? If you let go, who will believe your story? What will others think of you? What else will you have to let go of? What will you do next?”

And here is where the paradox begins!

“What will I do next?” is a tough question that can be scary to even consider. But it is here that change happens, and you do have a choice. Wholeness is knocking at your door, and you know what they say, “When one door closes, another door opens.”

All that is required is to let go of the past and step boldly and bravely into your true self, your beautiful, loving, compassionate, deserving self. It is from this place of being that you may know wholeness.

May 16, 2016
How to Change Your Life When It Feels Like Nothing is Going Your Way
“The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is.” ~Timothy Gallwey

Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you became devastated after many failed attempts to get it?

Has the same pattern kept repeating itself no matter how you tried to change it?

Have you ever longed for something so deeply that you lost interest in life when it didn’t happen?

There was a time when I felt this way. I was at a total loss for what to do next.

I wanted just one thing in my life, and I knew it would make me feel happy and complete. But it kept eluding me. The harder I tried to achieve it, the further away it became. I felt repeatedly heartbroken and cheated.

I didn’t think I was asking for too much. Many people had what I wanted. I had searched for years to find it and thought I deserved it. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t have a normal life?

I wanted to find my soul mate.

I kept trying, but I kept falling in love with men who couldn’t commit. Each time, my boyfriend and I seemed so compatible. I looked forward to every hour spent together.

I could envision a life together, and my boyfriend seemed to be on the same track. But one day he would drop the bomb—“It’s time to move on.” I heard the excuse, “The timing is not right” so many times that I resented it.

After searching everywhere for answers, I kept hearing the same messages:
- When things aren’t working, you need to stop trying so hard.
- It’s better not to be so emotionally attached to the outcome.
- Things will work better if you drop your expectations and work with “what is” instead.
This contradicted everything I believed in. I’d always gone after what I wanted. It worked while I lived at home and at school. Why wasn’t it working now that I was on my own and the timing was right?

What Stops us from Getting What We Long For?

Defeated, I searched further. I learned that often when we feel hopeless and stuck in life, it’s not just that we’re trying too hard, it’s that we’re trying to control things.

It’s not possible to have everything the way you want it. Too many other variables are involved—primarily what other people want. We all have conflicting wants and needs, and our desires are often thwarted when they conflict with what others want.

It took me a while to admit that I might be controlling. But we live in a society of achievers. People learn to go after what they want relentlessly, and that’s what I had learned.

Once in a meditation class I attended, the instructor compared his laid back, Eastern students with his Western students. He said Western students try to grasp in order to achieve stillness in meditation. Eastern students tend to allow.

With meditation, allowing is the only approach that works. Grasping pushes away the experience of peace. You must let go in order to sink into a state of meditation.

Next I learned something that was even harder for me to accept—the underlying reason that we try to control things. We do so because we’re afraid. We have deep-seated, often hidden fears about life. By trying to put our lives in order the way we want them, we feel more secure.

That idea took some serious introspection. But being honest, I finally had to admit that I was lonely and afraid of being alone.

That’s what made me so intense about finding the right mate. And my result was the same as that of the people who grasped to achieve meditation. I was chasing my potential mates away.

I was prematurely expecting each relationship to turn into a marriage and acting as if it was a given. I wasn’t being patient and letting things develop. It was too much pressure for the men in my life.

An Experiment That Can Change Your Life

After realizing I was suffering from the perils of being a control freak, I realized I had nothing to lose. Out of desperation, I decided to see what would happen if I had goals but let go and let things unfold without directing them toward a specific outcome.

At this time, I had also been laid off from my job, making things even harder because I viewed my career as the other part of my life that made me complete.

I started big by vowing to let my next relationship be decided for me. After all, my track record wasn’t so great.

I viewed this as an opportunity to start over without trying to control—without expectations—with less fear and more faith. I set my mind to believe that things would work out if I relaxed, trusted, and went with the flow instead of against it.

I began to follow Deepak Chopra’s advice of “being the observer” of my life. I calmed my fears by trying to be conscious that there is peace in the brief moments between our thoughts.

I began practicing meditation and yoga with a yogi who showed up in my life. I started walking for an hour every day with a girlfriend, Mary, who I’d just met in my company’s outplacement program. She had been laid off the same day I was.

My life changed markedly in a very short time. For the first time, I realized I didn’t have to be full of anxiety even if I was single and unemployed.

I checked in with myself and realized that in each moment I was okay. I could handle this. I could slow down, try to find the best course of action, and focus on how to change—how to be more relaxed by allowing rather than grasping.

I still had goals, but I started going with the flow and being open to other possibilities instead of insisting on specific outcomes I thought would make me happy.

Incredible Things Materialize When You Learn to Let Go

Although unemployed, I began to feel far less stress every day. It was like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t been happy with my job anyway, and it felt great knowing I could try something new.

As a result of meditation, yoga, and exercise, I was able to stop the depression medication I had been taking for several years.

I had tried to wean myself off of it before, but it didn’t work until I loosened up and started being open to this new way of life—experiencing the possibilities instead of directing things.

Surprisingly, I was enjoying this experiment. I felt like I was truly living life instead of holding the reins, hanging on, and being thrown off course emotionally when things didn’t go the way I wanted. I started seeing that great things were coming to me.

Dropping my fear let me experiment with observing what was going on around me and allowing things to unfold. I began to see openings and opportunities I never would have found had I kept trying to make things happen. It was like opening gifts.

For the first time in my career, I decided to start my own business. And instead of hooking up with another boyfriend, I found a group of like-minded friends who made me feel at home.

I found them by joining a group Mary told me about. They were studying a book called, “The Quest.” When she told me about it, I said, “That sounds like something I’m on.” It turned up at just the right time—and so did Mary.

It took quite awhile for the right relationship to appear, but in the meantime something valuable happened. I got to know myself better, and I grew immensely. I became comfortable in my own skin and even grew to love being single.

Later when I was happy with my life, I met my soul mate and husband, Mike, at a singles event. He is completely different from previous boyfriends.

I knew he was the type who wanted a commitment from the start. His eyes sparkled the first time we met, and he was genuinely interested to hear as much about my life as I was about his.

We have so many things in common. We share the same interests, we’re intellectually compatible, and we even like the same food and furniture. Where we differ, we are still compatible. It’s amazing to me how it all turned out.

There is no other way to know what it’s like to drop your expectations and go with the flow unless you try it for yourself like I did. There definitely is no way to trust it until you experience it working.

I’ve watched others go through similar disappointments in life trying to make things happen. Many of us are wired to pursue specific outcomes that we believe will give us security. If only we realized we could be happier if we open up and tap in to what comes our way while we’re busy making other plans.
May 5, 2016
The More You Try to Control Something, the More It Controls You

April 23, 2016
When You Try to Control Everything

March 26, 2016
You Can’t Control Everything

Source: AwakeningPeople.com

March 6, 2016
Inner Peace

Source: Lessons Taught by Life

January 10, 2016
Choosing Inspiration Over Intimidation: How the Unknown Can Empower You

“When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Lately, I have been reflecting a lot on what I was like when I was a kid.

Back then, what I didn’t know seemed magical. It gave me room to imagine, to fill in the blanks with my own creative inspiration, and to live with a sense of wonder and awe.

I loved fantasizing and daydreaming and imagining what magical situation might be brewing in my life.

As children, curiosity was a natural and automatic part of us, and what we didn’t know didn’t scare us. If anything, it made us into warrior explorers who took adventures into the unknown, unafraid to change direction if something wasn’t working, unattached to the outcome, and perfectly content on the journey.

As a child, I was open and available to the possibility of the kind of world I wanted to live in. I loved learning about people and their life situations.

What I didn’t know inspired me to ask questions. And I asked a lot of questions. I was unscripted and unedited. It took people by surprise, but I shook things up everywhere I went and saw nothing wrong with that.

I was unapologetic about who I was.

I believed in the good, the magical, and the powerful, and I believed that fairytales were real. After all, no one had told me yet that it was silly, crazy, or impossible. No one had convinced me yet that fantasy was not a useful tool for creating a worthwhile life.

But sadly, I was only wholeheartedly curious and unedited until about age five. Then I began to doubt, to limit what I knew to be true, and to edit the world I believed was possible.

I got really good at fitting in and being whatever I thought others would adore. I stopped asking questions, and I went through years of agreeing with everyone all the time.

I had forgotten who I was and grew fearful of rocking the boat. I now felt threatened by the unknown, and I lived with anxiety because of it.

All those years of forgetting about who I am wound me up good and lost by the time I graduated college. I went through some pretty heavy rock bottoms in my twenties, super lost and so unsure of myself.

I struggled because there was this world I believed in, but then there were all the ways in which I had edited myself into a world much smaller. I knew there had to be a way out. It just took me some time to find it.

As it turns out, the way out was not some external thing that changed for me, but rather the willingness to search inside myself, a place I hadn’t spent much time up to this point.

I let myself start asking questions again, and I contemplated those questions for months and years. Just asking them was enough to open up a whole new world to me.

I believe in the practice of taking what we do not know—that precious space where anything is possible—and allowing ourselves to live in its question mark, to play with what we really want, and to dance in the discomfort, challenging ourselves to build and create the world we want to live in.

If we don’t choose this, then what are we choosing?

What if we let the unknown be an invitation, a calling to a greater you and me? What if the unknown was a blessing and a gift, presenting us with a blank to fill in with whatever we want to create? What would be available to you if you let the unknown inspire you instead of letting it intimidate you?

I have so many unknowns in my life right now, and I am pretty positive I always will.

Will I become a wife or won’t I? Will I be a mom or not? Will I live here for the rest of my life, or will I move again? Will I travel the world again? Is this what I am meant to be doing, or is there something else or something more? What do I really want, and am I willing to do whatever it takes to create that?

Instead of making myself crazy, trying to get answers that I cannot possibly have in this moment, I choose to practice surrender and mindfulness.

Whenever I’m facing the unknown and I see myself going into a negative, fearful, victim place, asking questions helps me shift.

I ask questions like:

How do I know this bad thing is going to happen? Is that a fact? Since this is not a fact, what is a fact? The fact is that I am facing the unknown.

What do I prefer to create right now? Where is the magical place that I wish to go instead of this limited place? What do I want this unknown to mean for me? What would it take to create something better that I haven’t even thought of yet? Can I just live in the question of that? How does it get any better than this?

As we become responsible adults, we need to reclaim our power, remember who we are, and become the person we wish would save us so we can create the world we would be joyful living in.

It is up to us to let go of the outcome and to be curious and adventurous, like when we were kids.

When you are faced with the unknown, notice what you do. Become aware of whether you make up a negative story about it. If so, what would happen if you made up a fun, exciting, empowering, inspirational story about it instead?

Use your curiosity. Investigate your own mind, heart, and spirit. Ask questions. Explore. What adventure do you want this unknown to mean for you? What do you want to create?

Lastly, look outside your comfort zone. Instead of reaching for what you know based on your past, look outside the bubble that includes everything you’ve ever known. What is a new way for all the pieces to come together? How might this time be different for you?

Be willing to look beyond what is currently showing up. Sometimes we may not know how something will come into being, so we must stay present with the knowing we hold deep inside and committed to the vision we have for our lives.

We are human. There will always be uncertainty, but it doesn’t have to overwhelm us or freak us out. It could inspire us and get us excited about what magic is unfolding for us.

As for me, I am choosing to just be with what is. As I sit with my resistance to what is, I become aware that the temptation to make the unknown mean something scary and bad is just another distraction so I don’t have to sit in the discomfort of not knowing.

So every day I must recommit to sitting with the discomfort instead of giving in to the temptation to make up scary stories about it. Just embracing what is can be the very relief we are searching for!

Uncertainty image via Shutterstock

December 10, 2015
Relinquishing Control of Others: 5 Ways It Serves You

“Selfishness is not living your life as you wish to live it. Selfishness is wanting others to live their lives as you wish them to.” ~Oscar Wilde

My mother is a huge control freak. I am told she got it from my grandmother, who basically ran everyone’s life.

Regardless, growing up, I noticed that she really struggled with relinquishing control of what we were all doing with our lives.

It was partly out of love because she just wanted what was best for us, and partly because she feels a sense of panic when she doesn’t know what’s going to happen if the person chooses to go in a different direction than she envisions as the “right” one.

I inherited my own need to be in control of everything and everyone from her. It took me a long time to learn how to surrender to what was and let go. Not just of the things happening in my own life, but what others close to me were doing.

I know that when I am outside of somebody else’s personal situation I have much more perspective because I’m not emotionally invested in their drama the way they are. At least, I think I’m not.

See, that’s the big fallacy! I have come to realize that I do actually get emotionally invested, and I hold onto an expectation that the person will take my advice and do what I so clearly think is the right thing for them.

Let’s be real—do we really know what the right thing to do is for another person?

I recently had a great conversation with a close friend of mine who is incredibly advanced on his spiritual path. We were discussing a mutual friend of ours who is currently in a relationship with a woman we know is absolutely wrong for him.

We have pointed out all the warning signs we see. He has also admitted that he sees them himself and senses them, but still he cannot walk away from the relationship.

I was expressing my sadness and frustration over my friend not taking my advice or hearing me. I said, “What else can I say to him so he gets that this is a huge mistake?”

My friend calmly replied, “You’ve said everything you need to. Now you need to relinquish control over the situation and allow his soul to have the experience it wants to have. Maybe his soul needs to have a horrible, destructive relationship to get him to the next level of his learning.”

Wow. Why hadn’t I seen that?

It is true that we don’t know the journey that each person is on. And we need to allow the people in our lives to make choices that feel right to them—because what is right for us may not be right for another person.

When I started to relinquish control over what everyone in my life was doing, I started to feel a huge shift in my energy.

I realized that by just “holding space” for people, which, according to Heather Plett, means “being willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them or trying to impact the outcome,” I was able to be of better service to them, and in turn allow them to follow their own path.

Letting go of others’ decisions and any expectations we have of them has a number other benefits. Some of the ones I found were great motivators for me.

1. You have more energy to focus on yourself.

What a difference I felt when I stopped obsessing and worrying over every single friend’s problem and trying to figure out how to fix it for them.

I didn’t realize how draining it was for me to take on everyone else’s “stuff.” When I started to let go of what other people were doing to fix their own problems, I found I had way more energy to focus on me.

2. It can be more empowering to just listen rather than “fix.”

People don’t always need us to “fix” things. What they need when they come to talk to us is to feel heard. Nobody likes to be told what to do.

Releasing control of what the people in my own life decided to do enabled me to be a better listener since I was spending less time thinking of ways to “fix” their problem.

3. We develop trust.

When we can surrender to what is, allow things to unfold, and realize that every experience serves a purpose, we start to trust that whatever happens may really be for the best.

Relinquishing control and allowing things to play out without our interference can reveal some surprising outcomes that we never could have planned and ultimately be the best for everyone involved.

4. It strengthens our relationships with others.

When my mother started to release her tight grip on everything I did, we became closer. I understood how difficult this was for her to do, and I had a lot of respect for her.

By not telling people what to do all the time, we are essentially saying to them, “I trust you to make the best decision for you.” This really strengthens our relationships with them when they believe there is a mutual trust and respect for their judgment and choices.

5. We learn something new when we watch how others do things.

I always thought I had all the answers. Clearly not since my life has been in shambles many times over. There is so much we can learn from others when we observe the way they do things. The next time we find ourselves in a similar situation, we may find that their way was the better way.

—

When we reflect on all of the reasons it serves us to let go of controlling others, it’s a great excuse to allow the people in our live to follow their own path. Whether it’s the right path or the wrong path is not for us to decide. It’s simply their path.

Letting go image via Shutterstock

December 9, 2015
Holiday Love Challenge #4: Give Yourself the Gift of Peace

Want more ideas to strengthen your relationships? Get Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges.

December 5, 2015
How to Stop Pushing and Stressing About Your Goals

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli

I’ve encountered many people who live by the belief that in order to be successful, one must “go out and make things happen.” I used to feel the same until I realized that we don’t actually have control over most aspects of our lives.

We can attempt to make things happen, but doing so doesn’t guarantee anything—it only develops yearning, which leads to suffering.

Take my recent job search, for example. I spent nine months looking for a job. I applied to over 200 open positions and took part in more than thirty interviews. After several months I became desperate and out of this desperation, began to become depressed.

It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, my job search wasn’t going anywhere. I needed a different approach.

As I usually do during trying times, I turned to my beliefs for insights. I read Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart, Thich Nhat Hanh’s You Are Here and Dr. Wayne W. Dyer’s Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao.

Dyer interprets the Tao Te Ching to state that our desires can create stress and anxiety, and that happiness comes not from pursuing goals, but by finding joy in everything we encounter.

“Stop pushing yourself,” Dyer writes. “And feel gratitude and awe for what is.”

Once I read this line, I realized that I had much to be thankful for, even during a time of unemployment.

This understanding allowed me to change how I perceived my life. As a result, I began to experience happiness from small experiences, such as walking around the neighborhood or making a cup of coffee.

This shifted my attitude and allowed me to become more receptive to life’s greatness. No longer did I feel depressed because I believed that by letting go of my desire to find a job, I was opening myself up to the plans that would manifest organically.

One may say that I put faith in finding work and believed that the right position would come along at the right time. My new philosophy: let go and let the universe do it.

I continued to apply for jobs and interview, but I knew that I couldn’t force myself into a job offer. I had to go with the flow—to learn to ride the waves instead of trying to change the tide.

This new perspective allowed me to release the stress relating to my job search and to accept that great things would happen at the right time.

During interviews, I no longer felt desperate and nervous. I knew that if it were meant to be, I would receive an offer. This created a more positive environment and one that increased the likelihood of finding work.

Just weeks after I changed my views and let go of negative emotions, I received a job offer.

Looking back, I realize that my desire to find work was not only stressing me out, it was creating a wall that prevented me from achieving my goal of securing a job.

When we’re working toward a goal, we often push ourselves to the point of desperation. We know what we want, and while that’s a good thing, stressing ourselves out to achieve that desire only develops resistance toward that aspiration.

We might feel that if we don’t stress and push ourselves, we’ll be opening ourselves up to bad things that could happen.

For me, this belief led to a feeling that if I didn’t find a job, I was going to be evicted from my apartment and forced to live on the street. I’ve since learned that stressing out doesn’t necessarily prevent negative consequences.

In order to truly experience what the universe has in store for us, we need to let go of the need to control every aspect of our lives and focus instead on showing up and putting our best foot forward. Here are three tips to help put us on the path to achieving our innermost desires.

Set your intention.

Setting your intention is the first step in reaching your goals. When I was job searching, my intention was to find a position that was the next step in my career. No matter your intention, place it in your mind, see it in your mind’s eye, or meditate on it.

Let go of your attachment to the outcome.

Once we set our intention, we have little control over the outcome. Often others are involved, and we can’t force them into helping us achieve our goals. Realize that no matter what happens, you will be okay. And know that adopting this mindset will free you up mentally so you’re able to focus on controlling what you can control—your own choices and actions.

Trust that your efforts will pay off.

Trust is essential in manifesting our goals and desires. Once we realize this, our faith strengthens and we open ourselves up to many new opportunities in the process.

As simple as these steps seem, actually following them is more challenging. It takes practice to learn to let go and trust that great things will happen.

But as Lama Surya Das writes in Make Me One with Everything, “Buddha said that transcendent peace exists in things left just as they are.” Das adds that “I have found that all things are already at rest and at peace, inasmuch as one’s own inner life remains fit, flexible, and attuned.”

We must remain flexible and attuned with life’s changes, as Das states. As soon as I realized this with my job search, beneficial things began to manifest.

We can all benefit by learning that life’s greatness doesn’t require that we “get out and do,” but that we simply accept the wonderful things we already have and then adjust our expectations, while trusting that everything we need either is already within us, available to us, or in our future.

Skipping man image via Shutterstock

November 22, 2015
What Consumes Your Mind Controls Your Life

November 3, 2015
Learn To Flourish When You Are Not In Control

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” ~Steve Maraboli

On December 31, 2011 I experienced something I will never be able to blink away. I watched as my twelve-year-old daughter convulsed, turned blue, and stopped breathing on the floor of our living room.

Time stood still. I heard my blood whoosh through my ears. I became a helpless observer. This simply couldn’t be happening to us; she was fine only a moment ago.

I remember the exact moment when I realized that I was thinking that my daughter was dead.

I will never forget that choking fear that everything in my life had just changed forever. Nothing mattered in that moment other than her. I begged her to breathe for me. I needed her to breathe. Fear dug in hard and wouldn’t let me go.

After several moments of stillness, she took a very slow breath and then another. Her eyes were vacant and staring beyond me. Her arms and hands still twisted beneath her chin, against her chest. It would be hours before she would know who I was.

Little did I know this was the beginning of an unimaginable journey.

While I would lose her to a neurological conditional and medication side effects over the next four years, we would also learn and grow together, find happiness in the little things, and learn how to deal with the things we couldn’t control.

She was diagnosed with Epilepsy within a few weeks. I was hopeful we could manage this and get on with life. We followed her doctor’s orders diligently, and I was meticulous with her medications.

She had more seizures. We increased her medications. We changed her diet. I sought out alternative health practitioners and healers.

Time had a way of slipping by, first in days, then months, and soon years had drifted by without me noticing. We went to the best hospital in the United States and we were told there was nothing more we could do. This was not what I could accept. Instead, I continued to hope.

Her seizures increased. She couldn’t learn. She slept all the time. Depression and anxiety followed.

Her medication side effects were brutal, and I didn’t even recognize my daughter anymore. Her beautiful spirit had retreated, held hostage there by the thirty anti-seizure pills she took each day. I knew I couldn’t give up on her.

As her primary caregiver, I was sleep-deprived, anxious, terrified, and living in fear of the next seizure. She got worse, and I was drowning because I couldn’t control any of it. She required care, supervision and support that I felt I had no idea how to provide.

One evening, I woke to find her having a Grand Mal seizure in her bed. I sat alone in the dark with her, crying, because I had nothing left to give. I had no way to help her. I had done everything I could and it still was not enough. I couldn’t change things.

I crawled into bed with her so I could watch her breathe. Exhaustion settled over me, but I awoke with a shot of adrenalin when she began to seize violently against me. Again, I begged her to breathe.

I crumbled in the fatigue and the stress and knew that something had to change or we were going to be totally destroyed by this.

Surrender your desire to control.

In that moment, I knew that I had to surrender my desire to control the uncontrollable. I had tried for four years to manage the things beyond my control. This choice got me nowhere and stole my energy faster than I could refuel. I was now absolutely depleted.

I had to come to terms that I couldn’t control how long this beautiful child would have on earth. I could not breathe for her. I couldn’t watch her every single moment. This was not for me to determine.

This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it made the greatest impact on my well-being, and ultimately hers, because I was able to show up differently for her.

In fact, while focusing on my daughter’s health, my son was hit by a car while riding his bike. This was a wake-up call to me that trying to control the uncontrollable was nothing but an enormous energy leak.

I couldn’t control the seizures, the side effects, or the memory loss. But I could control where I allowed my energy to flow.

Shift your focus.

I decided instead to shift my focus. I could control her schedule. I could make certain she got her medications.

I could get her to doctor’s appointments and scans. I could be supportive and give her my time. I could help her see moments of joy. I could help her with schoolwork. I could be her advocate at school. I could give her more of what she needed between seizures.

As I began to focus my energy on the things I could control, I regained some purpose.

I felt more energized. My hope returned. I was less depleted and more strategic. I began to see new options and opportunities where before my fatigue saw nothing but closed doors. I felt a significant shift. I was spending my limited energy stores in a different way.

Practice gratitude.

The other thing I did was I began to practice gratitude.

When you have something so massive pressing down on you, it becomes very hard to not be focused on that. We had been focused on her being sick. We fed the fears. We lived in anticipation of the next catastrophe. We forgot that we still had much to be grateful for.

I began to look for things every day that brought me joy: the sun on my face, a warm cup of creamy coffee, or hearing my kids laughing in the other room. The more I looked for these lovely slivers of joy and hope, the more I saw them.

Soon, I was focused on how blessed I felt and the joy that had always been around me but that I failed to see when I was looking the other way. Even in times of struggle, I continued to look for these simple things, and they were always there for me. I just had to decide to see them.

What this personal struggle ultimately taught me is that letting go of what you cannot control is hard, but holding on to these uncontrollable things and trying to manage them is much harder. My energy was best spent on things that could bring me desirable outcomes, not on trying to hold the wind in an open hand.

Our journey has taught me that I am in control of my thoughts, and when I pick my thoughts carefully, I can still flourish in challenging circumstances.

Over four years has passed since this journey begun, and I am pleased to say that my daughter has recently enjoyed a couple months virtually seizure-free.

We have begun to reduce her medications and introduced homeopathic medicine into her daily care. I am hopeful, energized and optimistic about her future.

There is no doubt in my mind that had I not surrendered and let go of the things I could not control, I would never have had the energy and focus to continue our fight for a seizure free life.

I know it is hard, but letting go of things you cannot control does not mean you do not care. It means you understand that letting go can lead you to a happier, less stressful life.

Woman throwing arms in air image via Shutterstock

October 8, 2015
Lashing Out is Losing Control; Calmness Is Strength and Power

“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.” ~James Allen

I would like to share something personal with you. It’s the story of how I first glimpsed what true strength and power is and where they come from. I hope this story helps to further illuminate your journey through life.

I remember one day when I was in the back seat of my parents’ car. I was probably about thirteen years old. We were parked in a hotel driveway, waiting, though I can’t recall why.

After a few minutes, another car pulled up behind ours and the driver began to impatiently honk at us. Soon he began to scream and curse as well. I turned and saw a man whose face was bright red, scarred deeply by wrinkles of rage and bitterness.

The driver had obviously lost control of his emotions, as it was impossible for us to go anywhere with his car blocking us in. It was as clear as day that we were stuck until he moved. What on earth did he want us to do?

My father sat in the driver’s seat, gazing into the rearview mirror. His face was strained with confusion, trying to figure out how to process what was happening.

My father is a great man, always striving to do what is right, strictly honest and keen to help others. Finally, somewhat frustrated, my father opened the door so he could go and speak with the impatient man in the car behind us.

I remember feeling afraid when he stood up because I knew that the other person was really angry.

I watched my father begin to walk toward the other car. As the car horn continued to blow, my father abruptly stopped and paused. He seemed to be contemplating something, and it appeared as if his entire being softened.

Slowly, he returned to the car and sat back down. My father’s expression was one that I had never seen before on him: a look of straining and struggle with a hint of shame. Eventually, the other man drove off and that was the end of the incident.

The image of my father’s face profoundly affected me and was forever tattooed in my memory. I was just a young child and, in my mind, my father was perfect. He was my hero and I idolized him.

He is not a large man and I have never known him to fight; yet I felt a tinge of disappointment that he hadn’t stood his ground and confronted the other man. I felt that he had retreated. And my impression was that he felt the same way.

A few days later my father shared with me a dream that he had the night before. In his dream, I had beaten up the man who was honking the horn.

At the time, despite being young, I was a black belt in Taekwondo. I remember wishing that I really had beaten him up. I wanted to get even with the man who had embarrassed my father.

I became full of anger. I imagined myself beating him up again and again yelling, “This is for my father!”

I was angry, partly because he had hurt my father, but mostly because he had hurt me. He revealed to me a flaw in my father’s character: he was afraid and perhaps not strong enough to fight back. It left me bewildered and, for the first time, I realized that my hero wasn’t perfect.

Something deep inside me was forever changed.

Years later, as a college student, a friend and I went out for a meal. While eating, an acquaintance of ours lost his temper and began yelling at my friend. My friend listened silently, showing no change in his demeanor.

Eventually, the man finished yelling and my friend quietly stood up and walked away without saying a word. I was so impressed by how calm he was.

Later, I asked him how he managed to keep his cool. He smiled and told me, “A strong person is not one who knocks other people down; it is one who does not let his anger get the better of him.”

I was stunned. I knew that he was completely right. Who demonstrated more strength: the person who had lost control of his temper or my friend who had kept his?

These words touched my soul and aroused in me an understanding of where true power comes from: it comes from within. And inner strength dwarfs physical strength.

That night, this realization lingered in my mind. As I was digesting this lesson, suddenly I remembered the incident with my father and the horn-honker, many years before.

A voice within me asked, “Who was the stronger man?” and chills slowly crept up my spine as I realized that it was, in fact, my father. While the other man had allowed his rage to overcome him, my father had controlled himself.

The other man had lost; he lost to himself when he allowed his emotions to take over. My father, on the other hand, had stood victorious over himself, conquering his own emotions, commanding them down. The other man was a slave to his passions; my father was the master of his.

It was then that I saw my father for the truly strong and courageous man that he is. The weak and easy path would have been to return anger with anger, yelling with yelling. But my father had the strength to resist this; he had the power to calm his mind while a tempest raged about him.

It was in this moment, that my own path became a bit clearer. I realized that I must embark on a journey of conquering myself, because I now knew that I did not want to be a slave. The only other option was to master myself, to command the hidden forces within.

When you feel negative emotions rising, threatening to overcome you and make you into their puppet, remember that the strength and power needed to maintain calmness lie forever within you.

Calm man image via Shutterstock

July 30, 2015
Plan Less and Enjoy More: Give Yourself Space to Simply Be

“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.” ~Mandy Hale

I’m a Type A personality who formerly scheduled days, weeks, and even seasons in advance. I planned my day, my meals, and my activities, as well as those of my family, with the precision of a military regiment.

Why? Part of it was control and part of it fear. The fear led to wanting to control. Letting things happen naturally without a plan would certainly mean chaos would ensue.

I had reached the stage in my life where I was going through the motions. Everything was getting done, but there was no joy in my life.

I loved my kids and my husband and had a supportive extended family. Though I had some health struggles, overall I had a good life. I kept asking myself, What do those “joyful” people do, or what is their secret?

I know friends who have gone through their share of difficult situations, but not only did they come through with grace, they retained their joy.

Being the methodical person that I am, I started to look at their personality traits.

They weren’t routinely overscheduled; they made time for their family, but also quiet time for themselves.

I was attracted to their calm, their sense of peace, and their happiness. I felt a true sense of connection when around them, as they were genuinely interested in me and our time together.

They were unapologetic about making decisions that were right for their family and met their needs as opposed to doing what was deemed as “right.”

I reflected on the times that have brought me joy. Most of those times were unplanned.

The surprise of getting a call from a friend just when I was thinking of them, and going for a walk to catch up.

Sitting with that cup of tea or coffee early in the morning when the house and kids are still.

Looking out my window to see the amazing shades of green that spring brings.

Watching my boys playing basketball in the driveway while they trash talk with each other.

Watching my father hold his grandson.

In all these situations, I did not need to purchase anything, go anywhere, or schedule anything. I just had to take a breath, relax, and be present to what was happening around me.

For so long, I also scheduled time to be present through meditation. I tried to wake up early, make time, and sit. I worked on breathing, visualizing what I wanted from life and using affirmations, but this practice was rigid, scheduled, and forced.

I was struggling even harder to be present, be peaceful, to “work” at being happy, because we all know anything worth having takes work. After trying this for a while, I realized I was not making space in my life for anything to change because I was just adding more to my to-do list.

I needed to do something drastic. While I understand not many people have the luxury of doing what I did, I quit one of my contract jobs and reduced my work commitments to two days a week.

I told myself that I would not take another gig even if it walked up and bit me in the butt. I was going to take a three-month semi-sabbatical.

Why three months? I thought I would probably go crazy if it was any longer than that and I didn’t want to burden my husband with any financial stress.

The only plan for those three months was that I should not plan anything that would increase my stress level, had to do with marketing my next endeavor, or enroll in school, which I had been contemplating.

So, what did I learn? I used to write a lot as a child and a teenager. I loved to write poetry, and I was the kid that loved to get a writing assignment in high school, so I dedicated to making space for writing.

I have discovered that making no plans opens space in my life to slow down and be present without forcing myself to be present.

I am learning that what fills my cup is kindness, compassion, and connection. Those are the only things that I want to schedule. Engaging in activities that fill my cup allows me to approach my day and my responsibilities as offerings as opposed obligations.

In doing so, I am slowly finding joy in doing some of the most interesting things. I found myself smiling while folding the laundry. Wow, this is what it feels like to not feel rushed, but to feel the clothes warm out of the dryer.

It reminded me of how my mother used to throw my clothes in the dryer for a minute or two in the cold Minnesota winter, and that brought another smile and sense of gratitude for my mother’s love.

I find myself smiling more, and often it is for no reason.

As I am phasing back into a work routine, I am dedicated to unscheduling my calendar. I am committed to saying no to activities that would have me racing across town, to events that are large public functions where I don’t really get an opportunity to connect.

I am committed to taking thirty minutes a day for myself, even if it is fifteen minutes at a time.

I am waking up fifteen minutes earlier to practice yoga, which wakes up my body, allows me to clear my mind, and adds focus to my day. I have also found that walking outdoors is worth the time away from my to-do list, because I come back calmer and ready to accomplish the next task.

Surprisingly, I have found these small periods of time quite easily. I noticed that when I was just checking email, I got sucked into checking a social media site. Then I saw a link that looked interesting and clicked on another site, and when I looked up, it had been twenty minutes.

I sat down in front of the TV and numbed myself because I needed to “relax,” but I wouldn’t take that thirty minutes to write, go for a walk, or just sit disconnected from all the stimuli.

While I was great about finding the time to schedule a football game, a pick up from band, and a stop by the grocery store, I never put myself on the schedule.

Now, I am dedicated to looking for and finding pockets of time not to fill, but instead, to take some deep breaths and just be.

What can you do to make space and time?

Make yourself a priority. Your sense of well-being is important. Schedule some me time on the calendar.

Take a walk—it doesn’t matter how long, even ten minutes can make a meaningful impact.

Spend at least twenty minutes prior to bed disengaged from email, TV, and social media sites.

Set a time limit for electronic use during your workday that does not involve work related duties.

Say no to offers for happy hours, birthdays, baby showers, and the like unless the person being honored is truly a priority in your life.

And put away the guilt for not being at every school function, rehearsal, and game (if you have children). Check in with your child to see if it is truly meaningful and important to them.

By being present and engaged in the activities that are important to you and recognizing when you’re getting caught up in mindless activity, you can create pockets of time to simply relax, unwind, and breathe.

You never know what can happen with the extra twenty minutes. You may discover the flowers blooming outside your window, the sound of the rain as it hits your roof, or you may simply be grateful for the peace.

Couple having picnic image via Shutterstock

June 29, 2015
The Art of Allowing: Let Go of Control and Go with the Flow

“Accepting, allowing, and interacting with your life as though it is exactly as it should be, without making yourself wrong (or right) for what you discover is the way to Self-Realization.” ~Ariel Kane

When you’re confused about what to do next, fully surrendering to the possibilities will help you see a clear path ahead.

It all started the day I had lunch with my university friend Sarah.

Sarah had been traveling since graduation and was full of exotic tales about life in other countries—different languages, foods, and cultures.

What she was experiencing sounded amazing. She told me she had no plans to settle down and was, in fact, preparing to pack her bags again soon and travel to the UK.

Several of our mutual friends were already there, and Sarah extended the invitation to me to travel with her. The idea sounded fantastic and I wanted to jump at the opportunity. I’d always been interested in travel, and this seemed like the perfect chance to have the adventure of a lifetime.

The trouble was that I had recently embarked on my career. I was working for a reputable company on a specific project. This was work I had dreamed of pursuing while obtaining my degree, and it wasn’t an ideal time to pack up and leave.

To compound this, I also had a strong sense of wanting to do the decent thing by my boss and my colleagues, which meant seeing the project through to completion.

On the flipside, I was worried that if I didn’t go traveling with Sarah, I would miss my chance entirely. For weeks I was conflicted—paralyzed by confusion and completely frustrated with myself because I was totally incapable of making a decision.

I was caught in one of those classic scenarios where you have your heart whispering in your left ear and your brain nagging in your right ear, both with opposing views.

While leaving with Sarah sounded very tempting, I could not summon the courage to quit my job. My inner-conflict was all encompassing.

In the end, tired of waiting for me to make up my mind, Sarah left without me.

Over the following weeks, at every opportunity I dawdled around bookshops flipping through travel guides. I finished the work project and, as the assignment came to an end, I discovered that I had enjoyed it immensely even though at times I had been very distracted.

I also discovered that I had a real talent for the work I was doing. As a result of my dedication and commitment, the firm rewarded me with another opportunity—a promotion and a pay rise.

Ultimately, the extra money in my pay packet meant that I could afford to go and visit my friends, and this is eventually what I did. Down the track, I ended up enjoying the best of both opportunities, although at the time I did not know that it was going to work out that way.

What I know now, looking back, is that by actively not making a decision about traveling versus my career, I was practicing the art of allowing.

I sat with the confusion I felt. Even though it felt like I was really stuck, I was in fact, surrendering to the natural ebb and flow of my life and letting the next thing come to me.

These days I try to practice the art of allowing more consciously, especially at times when I feel deeply conflicted and my head and heart are giving me different messages.

When you’re in a state of confusion, resistance can easily set in. This causes anger, fear, panic, tension, and stress. Then, as a consequence of these emotions, we can also feel tempted to force a decision. But it is at exactly these times—when we are most uneasy—that we need to practice the art of allowing.

Sometimes it takes real effort to do nothing and simply be in the experience. Especially because most of us want control, and we feel the need to be in charge of every aspect of our lives, especially at junctures when we perceive that our present circumstances are under the threat of change.

But by practicing the art of allowing, we accept that change is constant. We also accept that control is an illusion. And when we slow down, relax, and simply observe what is happening in our lives, we can also sense how these things make us feel.

We also need to have faith that our instincts (our inner-built compass) will tell us when the time is right to reach out for an opportunity.

When we do this, we’re truly living in the present. And we open up the scope for lasting and transformational change, secure in the knowledge that our journey is as individual as we are and that whatever comes next is meant to be.

Woman with outstretched arms image via Shutterstock

February 10, 2015