Hi Anita,

You have a beautiful way of helping others, my first thought was thank goodness people like you exist. So thank you 🙏🏽

My loving boyfriend of almost a year suffers from  depression.This is a man who fought for me. Who had me on his phone background and laptop. Who showed up unannounced  with flowers. Over the top  affection for the first 8 months. Then overnight – “I don’t love you.”

He had his first depressive episode 3 months ago – he broke up with me. I was being a bit distant/defensive  because I noticed he was pushing me away. Like breaking up would be so easy for him – but at the same time I felt his love so I was confused. So I got a break up text. 

The moment I said “okay” he flipped.  He’s said “wait what now, you don’t care?!.” Then I called him and I said he should tell me in person and that this was kinda crazy and I was scared.

He said no, I have to go to the ocean jump in. He didn’t want to face me. He did. 

He came over and told me he didn’t feel deserving of my love, it’s too much. That he didn’t know how to receive it – later breaking down in tears saying “this is the nicest anyone has ever been to me. I just don’t feel anything I feel numb – I feel no excitement for anything or anyone.”

When his emotions are  effected in a negative way – he bails.  Preoccupies  himself with different tasks,  running around town. He isn’t employed and lacks a bit of purpose. Which I guess he gets from helping others endlessly.

He is typically someone who experiences high spurts of energy, he goes out, plans events for his friends, dances, and gives a lot!  To a point where it’s awkward, I can just say “I’d love to go back to Maroc one day” and he’s getting anxiety thinking about how to make that happen. To the point where later he will break up with me because he didn’t think he could  take me.

As a result of this, he is depleted. His energy is spent and he feels worthless. Unless he’s really busy giving people everything. Until then he’s depressed again.

He finally went to a life coach, his depression started to fade. I told him the only way I would stay is if he started seeing a therapist. We got closer, took more trips and enjoyed our time together. He even told me he wanted to start looking at places to live together again.

He didn’t go see a therapist – until now. Months later. When this happened..

He’s always dreamt of having kids, of being a young father. He overnight decided he did not want to have kids anytime soon. I instantly replied “well then that’s it – we have to break up” my heart sunk. He looked at me with confusion, wait that’s it?! And something inside of me said stay. How could he expect anything else? But I surprised him. I heard him out. 

I kept saying “ I have to go” but I wouldn’t. Then after I calmed down he says “I’m also finding myself thinking about other girls when you’re not there.”

he says “you don’t understand, this always happens it’s a pattern”

He says he was deeply in love and all of a sudden he started to feel nothing. constantly Nit picking at everything in the relationship – anything to break us up. Mainly revolving around “I can’t give you everything you want/need.”

He then says “I think we should move in together, I don’t think we spend enough time together and that’s why I’m having these thoughts when I am just chilling or bored”

I just saw black, I told him the only solution was to break up, that how could I be so stupid to have chosen this. Then caught my fight or flight response. Saw him crying like a child shaking on the bed sitting Indian style. Saying I’m not enough I’m not enough.

I hugged him – I said baby everything is gonna be okay. I am upset right now because I’m experience loss and this is my trauma response.

We can work it out, but the truth was I couldn’t. I spent the night awake next to him. In the morning I said take me home I don’t think I can do this. He panicked, he said “wait but yesterday you said we could get to “why” this was happening to me”

I said I needed space – and left with friends. No contact for a few days. Until I sent him an article along with nice words of encouragement.

He’s seems to be in  limbo wanting me to go away and being afraid to loose me. he’s afraid to disappoint me, he’s afraid to love me he’s afraid to loose me. 

This is where we are at now:

He showed up to my house in a hurry to tell me

“I don’t love you anymore, I just don’t feel anything, I am numb I don’t want to be in a relationship”

I was calm – I showed him the checklist for avoidant attachment styles. He checks every box.  He cried when I spoke of our life and how much we created so far. But that I understood – I asked him for a hug. We cried some more. 

Then he says I came in here 90% sure I didn’t want a relationship now I just don’t know again. He said I love you. That he would do the work. The morning after before he left I looked at him differently – and he said “why are you looking at me like that? And I replied “because I don’t know what will happen so I just want to see you before you go”

He said “ baby I’m gonna do the work – though right I’ll see you again?!”

we made plans to see each other that evening after therapy. I later told him I couldn’t see him he said “same”

He was cold. He said “ my first feeling is to take a break to clear our mind and see who we are without each other but if you want a clean break I get it”

I told him I would like to take a break, the intention is to see how we feel without each other. Grow, and see if we can get passed our attachment styles ( avoidant / anxious)

My question is am I enabling his avoidant tendencies with this break rather than just breaking up?

For me it’s best to take a break because I can look into my abandonment issues in the meantime and get strong if we break up or if we get back together know when it’s really me/him talking or our trauma. 

My question is why doesn’t he just let me go? Why the I love you’s why the confusion between staying and leaving.

I’m  scared too. To be with someone that overnight can stop loving you and leave when you need them most. Iv got this now – I’m self sufficient and I want him to see I don’t need him to support me, he’s not responsible for my feelings.  I am.